62 - Why it's SUPER Important to Find Community When You Have Lost Yours

Maybe you lost some of your friends or friend groups when you person died, when you left a relationship, when you changed jobs, or when you moved. It's normal to want - no, need - to feel like you're part of a group. Human interaction is a basic need, so in this episode, Christina and Meghan talk about why it's important to find a community when you're in a hard season of life, and how you can go about doing that (even for introverts!)  

Full Book Cup Club Book of the Month
We're reading How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing by K.C. Davis - grab your copy and join us! Every month we choose a book to read and discuss on the podcast on the last Wednesday of the month.

Transcript

00;00;00;02 - 00;00;12;27
Christina
I looked down at the floor today and I was like, What am I? Am I seeing things? And I just kept staring at the spot, trying to figure out what I was seeing because my eyes are open. It was an aunt.

00;00;13;08 - 00;00;13;22
Meghan
Okay.

00;00;13;22 - 00;00;34;28
Christina
We are being over ran with aunt. It's. It's like spring has not sprung here. She is not trying hard enough. And it is raining. It is cold outside. And the ants, they have just moved into my house. They're everywhere. And I am trying to figure out, you know, do you just like at some point, do you just welcome them?

00;00;34;29 - 00;00;38;07
Christina
Do you just embrace the whole thing and like here.

00;00;38;28 - 00;00;42;17
Meghan
How you should. That's what they want you to do. That's what they want to do.

00;00;43;05 - 00;00;55;24
Christina
I did you. I don't know if you saw this thing on TikTok. I had no idea. Did you know this is actually really disturbing that ants farm aphids. Did you know that there.

00;00;55;26 - 00;00;56;23
Meghan
I did not know that.

00;00;57;00 - 00;01;24;19
Christina
Yes. Just like farmers like ranchers have cows like. And they milk cows. Aphids literally raise it. I mean, ants literally raise aphids and then they scrape all of the gooey stuff, sweet stuff off of the aphid. They, like, literally wrangle them and keep them in spaces. Huh. I was telling my son this, who is 25, so, you know, born in 97 and he's like, Mom.

00;01;25;04 - 00;01;32;07
Christina
Yeah. Didn't you watch Bug's Life? And I was like, like, well, for one.

00;01;32;12 - 00;01;35;24
Meghan
But I wasn't paying attention. I was on for you guys.

00;01;35;24 - 00;01;42;07
Christina
I wasn't exactly like they're all watching. Apparently, it was educational purposes. I was just trying to get the dishes done, man.

00;01;42;17 - 00;01;47;12
Meghan
And I'm just trying to, like, have some silence while the kids are.

00;01;47;12 - 00;01;53;03
Christina
Exactly. But apparently, I'm going to have to go back and watch Bug's Life. Like, that was the whole premise of the thing.

00;01;53;04 - 00;01;55;13
Meghan
Disney movies always have a lesson. Yeah.

00;01;55;21 - 00;02;13;23
Christina
Okay. And then I was like, I got to go back and watch the ladybug thing, you know, because I put ladybugs out to eat aphids, so, like, there's a whole thing there. So I got to go back and watch, and I'm like, you know, I feel bad. Like, who am I helping here? Hi, I'm Christina.

00;02;13;24 - 00;02;17;00
Meghan
And I'm Megan, and this is the Full Cup Club podcast.

00;02;17;03 - 00;02;20;06
Christina
If you've been knocked down, we're here to cheer you on as you get back up.

00;02;20;07 - 00;02;25;05
Meghan
So whether your cup has coffee, tea or vodka in it. Welcome to the Full Cup Club.

00;02;25;10 - 00;02;43;27
Christina
Hey, friends. On today's episode, we're going to be talking about finding community. But before we begin, a couple of things that we want to cover is, first of all, thank you for joining us. We're so happy you're here. I mean, we hate that you found us in a way, because a lot of times that means that you've gone through something really hard.

00;02;43;27 - 00;03;09;06
Christina
But we're so happy you're here and that, yeah, you get to like we get to be part of this adventure that nobody asked to be part of. Yeah. As always, I'm going to check Megan, we like to know what is on our podcast. What is filling your cup metaphorically? And what is literally filling your cup for you? Say what's in your cup?

00;03;09;21 - 00;03;17;26
Christina
I want to shout out Michelle Abbott. Michelle. She bought us a coffee. If you're not familiar, you can buy us coffee.

00;03;18;03 - 00;03;23;27
Meghan
The link is buy me a coffee dot com slash full cup club. Yes. And it's in our.

00;03;23;27 - 00;03;31;11
Christina
Show notes is in our show notes. Yes. So Michelle bought us coffee. So tell us about your coffee and what's filling your Megan.

00;03;32;13 - 00;03;54;29
Meghan
Okay. So today I have a little bit of a different coffee. Actually, Billy turned me on to the experience. My current boyfriend, if you're new here and I have a nitro cold brew from Starbucks, but it's in a can. Like, it's the kind you can buy from, like, a convenience store or Walmart or whatever, you know? And it's really smooth.

00;03;55;16 - 00;04;17;06
Meghan
Cold coffee experience. If you don't go to a, you know, if you don't have time or want to go to a coffee shop, I like it. I like them. I don't get them very often. But I thought, well, you know what, let's make it weird today. Let's do a weird one. So anyway, this I have nitro cold brew in the can and I like them better than the.

00;04;17;14 - 00;04;25;27
Meghan
You know, I can get those, like, frappuccinos in a bottle. Mm hmm. You know, yes, I like. I like this a little better because it's not quite as sweet.

00;04;26;21 - 00;04;28;07
Christina
It's just a smooth.

00;04;29;03 - 00;04;44;21
Meghan
Cold coffee experience. So that's what I have today. So thanks, Michelle, for buying that. And what is filling my cup? It's cloudy outside and I can't be positive when it's cloudy.

00;04;46;01 - 00;04;47;29
Christina
Do not move to the Pacific Northwest.

00;04;47;29 - 00;04;48;27
Meghan
When I got it.

00;04;49;26 - 00;04;54;00
Christina
Down into your like your soul, the bottom of your soul to find.

00;04;54;00 - 00;04;55;10
Meghan
Joy when the on a.

00;04;55;10 - 00;04;58;06
Christina
Cloudy day.

00;04;58;06 - 00;05;00;02
Meghan
I don't know. There's a reason I haven't decided.

00;05;00;18 - 00;05;08;13
Christina
I need to add that to my resume, don't I? Like I endure winters in the Pacific Northwest and also spring and fall.

00;05;08;17 - 00;05;11;11
Meghan
Oh, you know what? I have an answer. I have. Okay.

00;05;11;22 - 00;05;12;11
Christina
Let's hear it.

00;05;13;01 - 00;05;41;27
Meghan
Okay. What's filling my cup is that it's springtime. It's warm. It's like seventies. Eighties here. Like, I can just wear shorts when I go outside and up to layer. The bummer is that I have crazy bad allergies, so, like, everything blooming is just making the inside of my face itch. But. But I went to Costco yesterday and I got more of my, like, Costco brands or tech that I take for allergies.

00;05;42;11 - 00;06;05;16
Meghan
Listen, you know what? Do you know what I think? So I ran out like a week ago. I took the last one. And so I haven't had it for a week. And this is like the worst time to not have your allergy medicine in March. But but anyway, so I took it. I think that my last batch might have been expired because I can tell such a huge difference in my allergies.

00;06;05;16 - 00;06;18;24
Meghan
Like they're like nonexistent. Whereas before, even with the medicine, it would, I would still be sneezy and itchy and I'd have like itchy, watery eyes and stuff. I think that they might have been expired.

00;06;19;29 - 00;06;28;27
Christina
That makes me wonder, have you ever done that thing where you go online and you look and people are like, that batch was bad and there was nothing like in it. Oh, I didn't even look at that.

00;06;28;27 - 00;06;55;28
Meghan
See, I throw away the bottle. I don't I can't verify either the expiration date or like a lot number, a batch number. But yeah, I just the huge difference that I feel when I take it now versus like a week ago when I was, when I still had some, I, I think that I might have just had that bottle for a really long time.

00;06;55;28 - 00;06;56;28
Meghan
So anyway, the.

00;06;56;28 - 00;07;12;12
Christina
Look on my face like I looked over at myself when you said like the whole shorts thing and like I recognize the look of contempt on my face. You said you're wearing shorts as I'm like, I've got a beanie on, I've got long sleeves on and socks and.

00;07;12;18 - 00;07;33;03
Meghan
Oh my goodness. Well, you know what, though? August in Texas is pretty difficult. So like July and August when it's like the hottest of hot, you're going to be up there with like 70 degrees or whatever in the summer. And I'm going to be like, Oh, what a chill time. It's 120 here.

00;07;33;03 - 00;07;38;23
Christina
And then you'll rethink coming out to visit. There we go.

00;07;38;23 - 00;07;42;18
Meghan
Okay, so what are you drinking and what's filling your cup?

00;07;43;02 - 00;08;02;16
Christina
Okay, so I'm drinking. I haven't had a I haven't tasted it yet. I ran down to the balloon whistle, which is another local coffee place, and I got a latte. And this time, inspired by your last week's situation, I had her put yellow, coconut and caramel. So here goes.

00;08;02;21 - 00;08;07;26
Meghan
I'm done. I It looks good. I bet it is good. Oh, my. Yeah.

00;08;08;06 - 00;08;10;28
Christina
Oh, my gosh. Oh, man.

00;08;10;28 - 00;08;12;28
Meghan
Yeah. Oh, it's like a party.

00;08;13;05 - 00;08;17;19
Christina
A party in your mouth right there. I love it.

00;08;17;19 - 00;08;26;05
Meghan
Yeah, that was pretty good. I just got an alert that there's a tornado watch in Texas or where I am right now. So. Oh.

00;08;26;13 - 00;08;30;27
Christina
Speaking of weather, dove under your desk right now. I'll be like.

00;08;31;06 - 00;09;00;16
Meghan
Well, right. Well, it's a watch, not a warning. So that means it's like, have you seen that? That that like info graph where it's like taco watch means all of the ingredients are like available to make tacos and taco mornay means taco tacos are like made and tacos are happening. So yeah. And warning is when there is definitely a tornado and a one like is when the everything is just right and a tornado could happen.

00;09;00;16 - 00;09;10;15
Meghan
So yeah. Okay. Like a cool thing about living in Texas that I don't think we talk about enough all the tornadoes.

00;09;10;15 - 00;09;28;26
Christina
Okay, I remembered what's filling. My God, I remember everything. All right. Tick tock, tick tock. I mean, tick tock has been going on for a long time, but I feel like lately, just with the potential ban of tick tock, I mean, it just like I feel like it's taken me a whole different dove into a couple of different things.

00;09;28;26 - 00;09;40;20
Christina
But I feel like, man, I just need to consume more just in case. And I will not say all of the sides of tick tock that I'm on, but I prefer to get my news from tick tock from.

00;09;41;10 - 00;09;47;07
Meghan
Yeah, my, my algorithm thinks I'm a lesbian, which is fine.

00;09;48;13 - 00;09;49;24
Christina
Lesbian. Tick tock.

00;09;50;09 - 00;09;53;10
Meghan
Oh, my God. Yeah, I'm for sure on lesbian talk.

00;09;53;11 - 00;09;55;15
Christina
Yeah, it comes up. It comes up.

00;09;55;15 - 00;10;00;21
Meghan
Mm hmm. Yeah. I'm not mad about it. Like, I know. I'm glad to be welcome into the group. Honestly.

00;10;00;22 - 00;10;22;05
Christina
Exactly. I'm trying to think of what all the tick tock I'm on. I want to be on bird tick talk. I discovered that this morning because I'm like, okay, I like birds. Okay, so that's what's filling my cup is tick tock right now. I do. And Jason tick tock. Okay, friends. Wow. I mean, we are like 90 minutes into this podcast, which is getting.

00;10;22;05 - 00;10;27;16
Meghan
Scary days later now or we'll start talking about the topic.

00;10;28;00 - 00;11;02;13
Christina
Yeah. So this topic is very close to my heart and if you know me in real life, you know, I am passionate about community. And this goes back, I think to my teen years of moving. I changed high schools when I was between my sophomore and junior year. I relocated 740 miles away from my family and friends and everybody I knew in 1998, which there was no Skype, there was no free lunch, free long distance.

00;11;02;13 - 00;11;11;25
Christina
We don't even have cell phones. We're not a plenty like they are now. And you pay for every single minute of long distance. Yeah. So I was completely disconnected.

00;11;12;01 - 00;11;22;07
Meghan
You paid for minute every single minute of even local calls on cell phones back then. Like if you had a cell phone. Yes, it was you paid by the minute.

00;11;22;07 - 00;11;43;01
Christina
Oh, yes. That's true. So that was even before. Like it was just mainstream to everybody to have a cell phone. That came a few years later. But so basically I am disconnected from family, friends, the whole nine yards. And I have two little kids under the age of three, three and a half. I mean, six week old baby and a three and a half year old.

00;11;43;01 - 00;12;08;18
Christina
And I had to rebuild community there. I have since then, after prior to losing my goal, we had just shifted community with like we had the an organization that we were previously part of and then losing my husband. So this is an ongoing reoccurring theme in my life. Community is so important because we are wired as Rene talks about, we're wired for connection.

00;12;09;01 - 00;12;31;02
Christina
And a lot of times when we lose somebody like understanding that loneliness is felt in the same part of the brain as pain, it's really important to start understanding because when we lose our spouse, a lot of times you lose those communities that you were part of. For example, in my case, I know they're still out there. I know that they're standing at the ready.

00;12;31;02 - 00;12;54;07
Christina
If I needed them. But the entire group of people at my husband's place of employment, all of those people, like a thousand people that I no longer like, am involved in their lives. Just because he's not coming home and telling me stories, I don't know what's going on there. And the organization we were part of. So it's just it's completely shifted.

00;12;54;07 - 00;13;16;16
Christina
So I know what it's like to rebuild community is, is the whole point of this. And I want to make sure that if you're out there and maybe you've gotten a divorce and your spouse got all of your friends or you've relocated to a new area that we can share with you today, why the community is important and how to figure out who your community is and where to find them.

00;13;16;16 - 00;13;38;11
Christina
And then we're going to talk about something called Third Space and explain to you what that is and give you some examples. So let's start with why community is important. We've talked about that. We're wired for connection and sometimes I think when if you are not someone who's fluent in change, I am someone who's very fluid and change.

00;13;38;11 - 00;13;57;10
Christina
You throw me into a new situation and I'm like, Heck yeah, like let's let's do this. Let's split us by like I'm, I'm cool with this and we're other people. Like my husband was not fluent in change. He needed a lot of information to move forward. I'm like, let's dove in. Like, let's jump off this bridge and figure it out on the way down.

00;13;58;14 - 00;14;19;15
Christina
He was not like that. He needed all the information, like, will there be parachutes? Like will there be a bungee like bungee cords involved? Like, what's happening? Not me. So if you are somebody who needs a lot of information, hopefully today, that's something we can provide for you. But I understand that based on your personality, some of this could be very scary for you.

00;14;19;15 - 00;14;36;11
Christina
I mean, the thing is scary for even me as an extrovert to find new community because it takes a lot of courage to go out and rebuild community. And I am hoping today in this process we're going to give you we're going to encourage you, which means to give courage to you part of what can happen when we lose our person.

00;14;36;11 - 00;15;16;11
Christina
And Meghan, maybe you can interject some stuff here about what you've seen, but I feel like sometimes when we lose community, we can either do one of two things. We can either be bitter about it or we can get better. And then forward. And I wonder if this goes back to the victim or Viking mentality that where we were reading and Bernard Brown's book where she talked about how people deal with things sometimes is this victim mentality because that is what worked for them in the past is playing the role of the victim versus somebody who's more Viking like that is their that's what's worked for them in their story.

00;15;17;07 - 00;15;19;01
Christina
Do you feel like you've seen that?

00;15;19;01 - 00;15;48;04
Meghan
Yeah. Oh, my gosh, 100%. I think that there you know, sometimes you can stay stuck in a situation because you can't see a way out or you can't maybe see an easy path out. Or maybe you're feeling resentment, anger, frustration. So like I could see for sure feeling bitter and not wanting to get better because maybe because in some ways wanting to get better.

00;15;48;05 - 00;16;12;22
Meghan
Acknowledges that it's happening, you know? Yeah. If you, if you want to move forward, you have to acknowledge that this bad thing is happening to you. But if you if you kind of stay in it, maybe you don't have to have that that hard realization that it's real. Yeah, I think that you're right that, you know, that victim or Viking mindset that we talked about or that Brené Brown talked about when we talked about her, her book, it was inspiring greatly.

00;16;13;17 - 00;16;24;26
Meghan
I think that that's yeah, that's like that's the same thing. It's like, are you going to choose to to choose the positive way? Are you going to choose to move forward or are you going to remain in your situation?

00;16;25;06 - 00;16;48;22
Christina
And when you're going through that, I think if you're somebody who's feeling really better about this and sitting with it and allowing yourself to feel those feelings, because I feel like when you really start exploring that and you're better about it, there's anger there. Like maybe you want a divorce and you're angry with your spouse or your parents are gone and you're feeling very abandoned, whatever that is.

00;16;48;22 - 00;17;10;08
Christina
Like, sit with it. Don't be afraid. Don't push that away. Sit with that. Allow yourself to feel it and let it pass through you. But don't let that. Please don't let that consume your life. Please find the courage to say, you know what? Like, I acknowledge it's happened. Like, I'm going to work through this and I'm going to move forward and find community, find people to be around because it is so important.

00;17;10;17 - 00;17;22;04
Christina
I think even just like what fascinates me is the stuff that we learn from people when we're in community with them. I mean, just the stuff you and I, I mean, we've been friends for three years now and the stuff that we've.

00;17;22;20 - 00;17;23;01
Meghan
Done that.

00;17;23;01 - 00;17;33;21
Christina
We've learned. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just like Jiminy Christmas. What? Yeah, you know it.

00;17;33;25 - 00;17;34;26
Meghan
Yeah, I.

00;17;34;28 - 00;17;42;16
Christina
Lasted longer than, like. Like our relationships, our post relationships with.

00;17;42;16 - 00;18;16;24
Meghan
Yeah, though I, I kind of have to be forced into community sometimes as an introvert, like, well, when Jason died, I was starting my own business working for myself. So like when he died, I didn't have even like a work community. I was just me. So that was hard. And I remember like looking forward to the days when I would have meetings with clients because it would be like a distraction because I, yeah, I'd go, you know, part of me was like, Oh, I don't want to get up and put on real clothes and have to like leave the house.

00;18;16;24 - 00;18;37;11
Meghan
But the other part of me, like being around people, you know, because it was a distraction from my reality. But so yeah, when he, I didn't have that and then and then and this is true for you, too. Right after Michael died, we went into a pandemic. So like you were supposed to stay home by yourself, like just with your family unit.

00;18;37;17 - 00;18;45;02
Meghan
And if your family unit had, like, been obliterated by somebody dying, that that was so much harder. Oh, yeah.

00;18;45;08 - 00;19;16;22
Christina
And for you and I, I just I happened across Marco Polo. If you guys haven't heard our story, I happened to cross Marco Polo because I was taking a sign language class, and we were entering into the pandemic, and we needed video because when you're signing aid hands free, you need no audio. And so we used Marco Polo and class for our on our class because we moved online and that is how I started communicating with a lot of people was just like to keep that community going.

00;19;17;06 - 00;19;36;21
Christina
And that's now what I sent to Megan. And when I first, you know, stalked her on the Internet and forced her to become my friend. So, yeah, it's it's interesting, like the different ways that people during that time had to find community. And and then going back to what you're saying about if you're working from home getting out of the house.

00;19;36;21 - 00;20;04;22
Christina
Yeah, there is something about human contact and it's so different. There's research to show it's different over the phone versus over, you know, face time versus is there something that happens when you are face to face with something? So very important to have that face to face contact whenever possible? So we've talked about the importance of community and I want to enter like bring into this conversation now this idea of a third space.

00;20;04;22 - 00;20;34;04
Christina
Ray Oldenburg is a professor of sociology at the University of West Florida, and he wrote this book called The Great Good Place. And he created this idea of a third space. And a third space is a place that it's not your home, it's not your work. There was an article where people kind of explained it this way. Stuart Butler and Carmen Diaz explained to as, it's a place where people can exchange ideas, they can have a good time and they can build community.

00;20;34;04 - 00;20;57;01
Christina
And so when you think of a third space, this is where I kind of think of chairs, you know, where everybody walks in and everybody knows your name at this place of community. And we'd like to talk about is how to figure out who your community is. And we've talked about making lists before on the podcast, like making a list of why you want to date.

00;20;57;01 - 00;21;24;05
Christina
And I think like it would be appropriate in here to make a list of if you're trying to find a third space and you're like, I have no idea. Like, this is just a foreign idea to me. Like I'm a hermit. I have moved to a new city. I don't even know where to begin. I'm going to suggest that you make a list of your hobbies and your interests and if you're still like, I'm at a loss, I don't have any hobbies, I don't have any interests.

00;21;24;05 - 00;21;53;09
Christina
Maybe go back to high school and think of things you were involved in. Were you involved in band? Did you play a sport? Were you involved in the arts? Maybe you were in theater, orchestra, something like that, or you painted or whatever that look like for you in high school. What were the things that you were involved in and sit down and start making a list of those things and then think about when you if you were involved in a community, what would the atmosphere be like?

00;21;53;16 - 00;22;09;28
Christina
Would it be calm and peaceful? Would the people be more energetic? Do you like a lot of energy in the room? What does that look like? Think about are you with introverts or extroverts like Megan was talking about? Is this an online community or is this in a physical space community that's.

00;22;09;28 - 00;22;36;26
Meghan
Going to say everything that you're talking about? Sounds like my literal nightmare. I do not want to go meet a bunch of random people who have the same interests as me without knowing ahead of time that we're going to click, that everything's it's so hard to find friends as an adult that are on your same level that, you know, think maybe not exactly the same as you, but like you can vibe with, you know.

00;22;36;26 - 00;22;55;06
Meghan
Yeah. And it's so hard especially I think as an introvert, like I just do not want to put out the, the energy that that's going to take to go out and find that, you know. So I mean, I think that you're right that Marco Polo, like being able to just chat back and forth was really great for me.

00;22;55;06 - 00;23;18;07
Meghan
But I think that there's other options too, like Facebook groups like you can go on Facebook groups that you have their like interest specific or even location specific. Like your neighborhood might have a Facebook group and you can find other moms or other people who like CrossFit or whatever that are in close proximity. So I mean, there's like digital virtual options also.

00;23;18;07 - 00;23;39;06
Christina
Yes. And I want to make sure and say something here because I'm an extrovert and I had to go back out and build community and I had to stop my limiting beliefs because I definitely had some limiting beliefs surrounding community and finding friends as an adult. And that was like, Oh, there's nothing to do. I live in a smaller community.

00;23;39;14 - 00;23;56;18
Christina
There's a lot of retired people like I can make you a list of the beliefs that I wanted to get into my head, about my ability to build community, carry silly. And I think the thing that keeps me going is that I have to ask myself, are those things really true? I have to believe that it's out there.

00;23;56;28 - 00;24;20;06
Christina
And that has been really important for me as honestly and I said this to Megan and she's watched me do it, is that I had to break through barriers that I had set up in my head about whether there were communities that I could be involved in. I had to bust down those barriers and prove myself wrong. And when Michael first died in the beginning, community is going to look different.

00;24;20;11 - 00;24;44;10
Christina
Community can just be the barista at the coffee shop. Corey who? Corey was one of the only people who saw me after Michael died. She didn't know that her seeing that counts as community friends, me saying hi to the mailman. There were only a few people going to the grocery store like and having a short conversation. That's community and interaction with somebody.

00;24;44;10 - 00;25;04;26
Christina
And if that's all you have in the beginning of this season of your life, that counts. That all counts. But now that has moved. You know, I'm three and a half years out and that now looks like playing pickleball on a weekly basis. And sometimes there's 10 to 20 people that show up in that group that I'm interacting with.

00;25;05;13 - 00;25;32;22
Meghan
So it can look different still all virtual. So like I have, you know, the home community, my my little my little family, I have work and then, you know, people I talk to, like virtually like you, I don't have I don't have the the third space like in the traditional sense that I think that this person meant by third space, you know, the end.

00;25;33;05 - 00;25;38;02
Meghan
And what I'm saying is that's okay. Yes, it can be virtual. It can.

00;25;38;04 - 00;25;38;18
Christina
Be.

00;25;38;28 - 00;26;04;17
Meghan
Facebook groups that you follow or people you talk to, like maybe you have like a Zoom game night or something, you know, like Marco Polo, like Christine. I do. That's totally fine. That counts. I remember during like peak pandemic times when we were all supposed to be, like, home and not go out and everything and that's when Billy and I started talking again and we would watch shows together.

00;26;04;17 - 00;26;09;29
Meghan
But virtually when we call them, did you date because digital date, yeah, I did.

00;26;09;29 - 00;26;25;23
Christina
That with my kids too. So, you know, that's just a really great thing that you're pointing out because a lot of the streaming services now, you can do that, you can do invites for friends and it joins you and you're all watching at the same time. So I did that with my kids when my son was in college.

00;26;25;23 - 00;26;54;19
Christina
My daughter lives in Texas, and we did that during the pandemic and we just picked a night of the week to do it. So yeah, that counts friends online and all of that counts. So things to consider when you're looking for a community is is this community healthy? Is this a positive environment? Are people cheering you on? So I've talked about this idea before, and I think this is very, very important when you are looking for friends or community or whatever, that looks like I dispatching.

00;26;55;01 - 00;26;56;03
Christina


00;26;56;10 - 00;27;24;20
Christina
Which is really funny that you said that I was thinking coach, her name is Katie Quesada. Shout out to Katie. Katie is an amazing coach. And Katie talked about when she ran the women's Nike half marathon in San Francisco and she talks about that mile ten is like uphill and Nike takes all of their running coaches and and they all stand along the line all along this mile as you're running up this hill.

00;27;25;11 - 00;27;42;28
Christina
And she said they're cheering you on. And that just stuck with me. That stuck with me that I wanted mile ten friends. I wanted friends that would cheer you on and I love the idea that, oh. MAN one What is her name? What is going.

00;27;42;28 - 00;27;43;22
Meghan
To be Wambach?

00;27;43;25 - 00;28;03;27
Christina
I read her book Wolfpack like five times, No Lie. I love that book and I love that she talks about that. Like when she makes a goal, she points back to the rest of the team. Like all of those people are cheering her on. They were in a they assisted in her making that goal. And I just love the idea of looking around.

00;28;04;04 - 00;28;25;28
Christina
Look at the people that are in your community. When you do something, are they cheering back? Are they cheering for you? Like that should be a really, really important thing in your community. I love the pickleball community here because they're constantly we're laughing, but they're also cheering. We're cheering each other on like we want. We want the other person to win.

00;28;25;28 - 00;28;26;14
Christina
I mean.

00;28;26;14 - 00;28;49;16
Meghan
Yeah, that sounds really healthy, but, like, not normal. Like, not like, I wish. I wish it was normal. It sounds like not that it wouldn't be the norm. And the reason I say that is because many moons ago as an adult, I played soccer. I played on like a coed team, and we played indoor and outdoor soccer. And that's that was a form of community.

00;28;49;16 - 00;29;16;08
Meghan
You know, my son was really young. I was I was really into running. But I wanted like another way to exercise anyway. Fun fact. That's actually the first time I tore my ACL was playing soccer on this team. But and then that we just snowballed into many more times. But I will say that the team was not necessarily this like happy for everybody, kind of like there were people that was like, no, I have the ball.

00;29;16;11 - 00;29;45;29
Meghan
It's all me. I'm carrying this team. I'm the only one out here, you know what I mean? There are I feel like that there are going to be those difficult people in a community. Right? There's always going to be that one or two, like brings down the room a little bit, you know, and what I want to say is, like, don't let that person discourage you from continuing to play or continuing to go, because there's always going to be that person in just no matter what.

00;29;46;02 - 00;30;07;04
Meghan
But if the general vibe is healthy and happy and fun and it's just like an experience that you look forward to and it doesn't drag you down, it's gel, it's then carry on. But I just I just wanted to say that sometimes there's going to be that person that sucks and just don't let that be the reason that you don't go out and make friends.

00;30;08;12 - 00;30;28;20
Christina
In the last book we read for a full book club was by James Clear Atomic Habits. He actually, if you remember, he talks about that in the book that in a group it's like the majority of the group, they set that. So if the majority of your group is like cheering on and you just got that one person, the influence of the entire group is going to be greater.

00;30;28;20 - 00;30;50;07
Christina
So yes, keep on going. Right and ask yourself when you leave that space, how are you feeling when you leave that space? Are you feeling good? Are you like Megan said, are you feeling generally good? And give it a few times. Definitely give it a few times. You did not. I like to put this in people's head. When you get a new job, when you do something new, you did not make a blood oath.

00;30;50;21 - 00;31;12;08
Christina
You are not saying something that says you have to stay in that space. You get to leave. Give yourself permission to leave it. Like, you know what? This just is not working out for me. This is not good for my mental health and I got to protect my peace. So you know what? I'm sorry. Like, I can't do this if it's not working out and then also revisit it at the three month mark.

00;31;12;11 - 00;31;17;00
Christina
Like, is this still something that's bringing me joy or is this stressing me out?

00;31;17;27 - 00;31;35;10
Meghan
I love that you did not sign a blood oath. That's you know, that's something that I teach my son is will will make a commitment to try a new activity. Right. Say it's soccer. Right. Just for an example. So we'll make a commitment to try it. If he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to keep going. He does have to finish the season.

00;31;35;21 - 00;31;49;22
Meghan
You know, he has to finish like the term or whatever it is we've signed up for. But you don't like it. Let's find something new. Let's move on. You know, we don't have to keep doing it just because we already bought the shoes. Like, we can just. Yeah.

00;31;49;25 - 00;32;14;03
Christina
Change, we can donate the shoes. Like, it's okay. Yeah, definitely. I know. With a pickleball, like how pickleball started for me was that it was something that I played in high school. I played tennis, not pickleball, but I played tennis. And my friends, Teresa and Tina, they were playing pickleball. I was seen it on Facebook and I wondered because of my hand, like, you know, it had some damage.

00;32;14;03 - 00;32;35;09
Christina
And I was like, can I still hold a racket? And so I just went out and watch them play and they're like, Hey, after I watched for a little bit, they encouraged me to, you know, jump on the court. And I hopped in. I started playing, you know, and so you don't have to actually commit after that, after I knew, okay, my hand can handle this.

00;32;35;16 - 00;32;57;14
Christina
Then I invested in, you know, the items helping you to. Yeah. So just go for like a test run on your first time. You don't have to. Just because you're, you're curious doesn't mean that you have to, you know, sign up for life. This isn't your new die, right? And you do. So if you are like, I still have no idea what a third space would look like.

00;32;57;20 - 00;33;19;06
Christina
I saw some examples that a guy gave online that he was talking about. He had never had a third space and he found in a city that was, you know, I think like 20, 30 minutes from him where that he found a coffee shop that for him was like more in line with his political beliefs. There was a well, the bookstore was that was like a coffee shop with a bookstore and some other things.

00;33;19;06 - 00;33;40;06
Christina
And every other week he and another friend would travel and go to this coffee shop and bookstore. So it doesn't have to be in your town. This doesn't have to be something that you do every day. But I thought that was a great idea. A park, a library. These things do not have to cost money. Going to an art walk once a month, going to concerts in the park.

00;33;40;12 - 00;34;02;11
Christina
A lot of times when you go to somewhere like that, you're going to sit in the same area. Maybe you have season ticket, so you're going to get to know the people next to you. Being in volved with the community garden is another one. I know online gaming is a big thing, a big platform. My son is a gamer and so I have watched him since he was little build an online community and they interact.

00;34;02;11 - 00;34;16;02
Christina
And there during the pandemic they didn't miss a beat. They never you know, that was just it was fluid for them going to and playing a local place that has D.A.R.E. or board games or whatever.

00;34;16;02 - 00;34;20;24
Meghan
They have a library. So a lot of the time or, you know, the board game gaming stores.

00;34;21;11 - 00;34;28;29
Christina
Yes, there are a lot of those popping up the game, the game stores. As far as board games and stuff like that.

00;34;28;29 - 00;34;30;08
Meghan
Yeah, like tabletop games.

00;34;30;29 - 00;34;40;19
Christina
And then going back to the thing about high school, did you play softball in high school? Did you play tennis? Did you play a sport that as an adult there are leagues that you can play in.

00;34;41;02 - 00;34;49;04
Meghan
What, volunteering at a local like like your animal shelter or the food pantry, telling us. Yeah. And way to build community too.

00;34;49;04 - 00;35;21;06
Christina
Yes. Okay. So we've talked about like choir think about running clubs, yoga, different things like that. There are so many think about to sit down and think about things that you love to do. Do you love to cook? Do you love to paint? Whatever. There's a community out there for you. And when I left my job four years ago and I was like, you know, you lose the community of the staff that you were with, the people that were involved in the organization that I was with, all of that that was suddenly gone for me.

00;35;21;06 - 00;35;45;24
Christina
So again, community is important because we are wired for it. We can't survive without it. I mean, we can, but you're going to be on an island with, you know, volleyball and it's going to be rough. So community is so important. Figure out who your community is and then look at where to find them. Make a list of all of your interests and look around in your community.

00;35;45;24 - 00;36;01;27
Christina
To see where you can find those things is in an online community or as an actual physical community that is around you to be involved with. And then find yourself a third space, a space that is not home, that is not work, but a third space that you can go to where that you can share ideas with people.

00;36;01;27 - 00;36;33;02
Christina
You can have a great time, lots of fun, and you can build relationships with people. And we just want to encourage you to do that. Get out there, be vulnerable, try something new, challenge yourself. I know when I made I literally sat down and made my list this year and never in my life did I expect that I'm sitting here completely overwhelmed with all of the things that I could do, and I've had to whittle that down to just a couple because on my list was getting a dog and taking her.

00;36;33;02 - 00;36;53;02
Christina
I wanted a well-trained dog I wanted to try out pickleball. I wanted to do quilting. I made myself a list. I did all of these things and it's like, Oh my goodness, more than one thing stuck in. So now I'm trying to, like, navigate. So friends, it is possible it's out there. You have to believe it's out there.

00;36;53;03 - 00;37;14;28
Christina
Please break through those barriers and find yourself community because it is so important, especially after losing a previous community or you know what, you could just be in a really not great community right now. I need to find a new one and that is important to preserve your peace. And you should be able to be happy and find joy in the people that are around you and they should be cheering you on.

00;37;15;07 - 00;37;35;16
Meghan
Yes, I agree. One of you know what I want to interject because I meant to say this before, but a way. I found community after my husband died was I joined the PTA and I made a couple of friends that I still talk to regularly, just volunteering at my son's school. Already a community I was part of. It was already taking him to school.

00;37;35;16 - 00;38;01;08
Meghan
I was already going to like attend all the events that I could because he was little, you know. And so I joined the like the board. I met with all these people and it was like once a week. This was the place that I went on Tuesday nights or whatever it was, you know. So it was a way where I was able to like make friends and we were all kind of in a similar life stage, you know, at the very least with at least one elementary age kid.

00;38;01;09 - 00;38;08;21
Meghan
So yeah, that's just another way you can do it. You're already at the school all the time, taking them and picking them up or whatever, you know? So I.

00;38;08;21 - 00;38;10;10
Christina
Love it. I love it.

00;38;10;21 - 00;38;20;20
Meghan
Okay, friends, whether your cup is empty, half full or overflowing, raise it up. Here's to the craziness of building community after loss. Cheers.

00;38;20;20 - 00;38;22;28
Christina
Cheers.

00;38;22;28 - 00;38;39;29
Meghan
Thank you so much for being here with us. Please subscribe to our podcast if you found it helpful and you can also find us on social media, on Instagram, at Full Cop Club podcast, and if you search Full Club Club podcast on Facebook again, thanks friends and we'll see you next time.