55 - Rebroadcast: How to support someone who is grieving

We are resharing this early episode to help you help others who are grieving. In this episode we discuss the most helpful things that were done for us when our husbands died and some ideas about how to truly help someone who is grieving.

If you find this podcast helpful, please subscribe! New episodes are available every Wednesday. Thanks for being here!

Transcript

00;00;00;18 - 00;00;02;08
Meghan
Hi. I'm Megan. And I am.

00;00;02;08 - 00;00;05;16
Christina
Christina. And this is a full cup club podcast.

00;00;05;17 - 00;00;14;21
Meghan
We're here to talk through the good, the bad and the ugly of loss. Whether that's losing a loved one, a job, a dream, or even your marbles.

00;00;15;08 - 00;00;20;14
Christina
So whether your cup has coffee, tea or vodka in it. Welcome to the Full Cup Club.

00;00;21;13 - 00;00;30;10
Meghan
Yeah, a round of applause. That was me cheering for us and for everybody else.

00;00;30;27 - 00;00;55;29
Christina
Hey, friends, welcome to the latest edition of the Full Cup Club. On today's episode, this is the episode that I have been the most excited about because we have gotten to share our stories. But some people really showed up in our lives after that and they kind of became the heroes in the beginning of our story. And so we want to share how they showed up for us.

00;00;56;07 - 00;01;24;03
Christina
And then and when I say showed up the way that right after we experienced loss, they came and helped us and did different things. And then we would like to share our feedback on that, the things that we found the most helpful, and then give you guys some ideas on ways that maybe if you are supporting someone who has experience loss, that you creative ideas that we think you might be able to help them with.

00;01;24;03 - 00;01;28;10
Christina
But first, before we start, Megan, what are you drinking today?

00;01;28;27 - 00;01;45;20
Meghan
Water again for me today and my pink cup from Mother's Day that my son sent me for Mother's Day last year. I still got to hydrate. We're going to we're going to hydrate and mind our business. That's what that's our motto. That's what you're drinking today.

00;01;46;10 - 00;01;56;16
Christina
So I am I'm double tested today. I have got I've got my English breakfast in one hand and I have my my water in the other.

00;01;56;16 - 00;01;58;04
Meghan
So nice.

00;01;58;04 - 00;02;14;25
Christina
Well, hydrate, hydrate and caffeinated and my theme so let's go ahead and get started me in can you share with us after the loss of Jason some ways that people showed up for you and how they served you in different ways?

00;02;15;11 - 00;02;41;01
Meghan
I sure can. I sure can. I had so many people help me. It was it was amazing. I have never experienced that. And I mean, partly because I am so stubborn and just not a person who who asks for help or finds asking for help. Easy. But I had so many people just show up, which is what I needed.

00;02;41;01 - 00;03;11;00
Meghan
I had people bring food. Jason's company set up a like a meal train. And they brought us not only did they bring us food that they had, you know, each not each employee, but a lot of the employees had prepared, like in their home. They also went to the store and they they went to like a big box store, like Costco or Sam's one of those type stores and did like a big grocery run for us, which was really cool.

00;03;12;14 - 00;03;48;21
Meghan
I had my family come into town and help me with yard work. Big, big yard projects too, like getting rid of old, you know, shrubs and tree trunks and, you know, stuff that, you know, we had sort of halfway done when Jason was alive. And then they came and really helped me clean out my yard. I had people just send me money or gift cards just to, you know, so I didn't have to worry about eating or I mean, I, I didn't have to worry about thinking about it.

00;03;48;21 - 00;04;12;02
Meghan
That's what I mean. I didn't have to think about, okay, what am I going to do for dinner for my son and I or for all the kids or for whatever I? And a really cool thing is Jason's company invited us to attend a like a family day. It's something they do every year and he had it. We had already RSVP.

00;04;12;04 - 00;04;35;12
Meghan
And so they were like, we already we already have the room. We already it's already all paid for. If you would like to bring the kids, you are welcome. So we got this mini little almost like a mini little trip. It was it was one night in a in a hotel here in the area. But that was a really cool thing that they absolutely did not have to do.

00;04;35;12 - 00;04;59;02
Meghan
So that was just a those were just the ways just some of the ways people showed up for me. But if we if we think about like what what's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear of somebody that has gone through loss, gone through there they are dealing with it. What do you want to do?

00;04;59;03 - 00;05;28;27
Meghan
You're like, what can I make you to eat? Well, all right. You want to set up a meal train, you know? But something that I found really helpful is not only that, but also just when people sent a gift card for. Yeah, you know, like a mail delivery service or even just like a restaurant sending cash via Venmo, cash out PayPal, like things like that.

00;05;29;18 - 00;05;54;07
Meghan
So super helpful because when I think about how how much grief and sadness and all the big feelings were occupying all of my brain, I just the gift of not having to think about it was that was fantastic to me. What about you? How how did people show up for you?

00;05;55;17 - 00;06;12;03
Christina
So, yes, right off the bat, people wanted to send food. And I think I would make like a little note here that I realize my mom is an amazing cook and she was here the very next day. She lives in Las Vegas, I live in Oregon. And I recognized she was going to be here for a couple of weeks.

00;06;12;03 - 00;06;29;09
Christina
So when people wanted to do military and I said, Hey, can we wait a couple of weeks until I don't have somebody to cook for me? And so that was something that it's really hard your brain so trying to process all of this and you kind of are forced to think on your feet. And so I asked for the meal train to be delayed.

00;06;29;09 - 00;06;57;19
Christina
So that might be an idea for somebody. But yeah, we had meal trains, the institution my husband worked at and some people in our community, my husband and I were getting ready to put a fence up in our backyard and they said, We really want to do something to for you, a project. And they they as they said, this really will help us process this loss.

00;06;57;19 - 00;07;16;17
Christina
And so they completely they took one Saturday and cleaned up my backyard, like you said, like big projects, like rip it out. We live there's Blackberries everywhere. And I'm not talking little sections. I laughed. I laugh. Doesn't Megan, you hear Megan laughing? Megan planted blackberries in her backyard.

00;07;16;17 - 00;07;16;28
Meghan
And on.

00;07;16;28 - 00;07;17;23
Christina
Purpose her.

00;07;18;03 - 00;07;20;02
Meghan
I printed them on purpose.

00;07;20;12 - 00;07;41;28
Christina
If you're living in the Pacific Northwest, you find this funny as well. And we there, they grow miles and miles of them grow wild. Here. So they're like it. They infest your backyard. And they came in and they made sure and cleared that out. And friends, I promise you, I could not have done the work they did at all by myself and they replaced my fence.

00;07;42;08 - 00;08;09;05
Christina
It was a huge two weekend project where probably about 30 people, 30, 40 people worked on this project. And so that was that was a huge thing they did for me. But as far as meals, I'm going to echo what Megan shared that people the gift certificates, the food, the gift certificate, I found gift certificates very helpful because you can save those for days where you're really struggling and you.

00;08;09;16 - 00;08;10;07
Meghan
Just can't.

00;08;10;07 - 00;08;14;21
Christina
Bring yourself to cook and you know that your kids are going to need a meal. Yeah, so.

00;08;14;23 - 00;08;37;16
Meghan
Exactly. Even the meals that, you know, you cook and you provide to a family that's hurting, if it's in any way able to be frozen that way, they can you know, they can freeze it and pull it out later. That was really helpful to me, too. I had a friend who she just she just took point on this project where she was.

00;08;37;16 - 00;09;02;20
Meghan
She was there either when food was dropped off or shortly after, and she organized everything in my fridge. She froze everything that could be frozen. She organized everything in my fridge. She, like, cleaned out the fridge. It wasn't you know, it wasn't dirty and gross. But it was just like she sorted through everything and we'll get rid of containers and like things like that.

00;09;03;11 - 00;09;32;13
Meghan
It was so helpful just not only to be, you know, receiving all this food. So I knew I didn't have to worry about cooking. And I'll tell you, cooking is not it is not something I love to do on a good day, you know. So it was the food that we received was such a blessing because I, I just it is not a passion that I have, you know, because this friend, she cleaned, she cleaned all of my fruits and vegetables.

00;09;32;13 - 00;09;47;03
Meghan
And so they were just like ready to grab. It was really, really cool. It was a cool way to show up. And she just did it. I didn't ask her to. She just saw saw a need, saw an opportunity and went for it. And I thought that was really cool.

00;09;48;10 - 00;10;12;11
Christina
I think another, you know, when people shop, this is just having had this experience is that when people drop off food you may want to consider if you are somebody setting this up, a lot of times I'll set up a specific time, but you also may want to set up putting an ice chest somewhere in that person's yard, because a lot of times when you're grieving in that first you needs and boundaries.

00;10;12;11 - 00;10;31;10
Christina
You don't want to visit with everybody. And sometimes that's hard. You get a little I'll be honest, sometimes I was anxious in that time knowing I was going to have to talk to somebody at whatever time that was same. Maybe setting up. Yeah, an ice chest in the front yard, somewhere on the front porch or wherever at the side of the house.

00;10;32;04 - 00;10;34;01
Meghan
That's a really good idea.

00;10;34;01 - 00;10;37;10
Meghan
I think you.

00;10;37;10 - 00;10;54;15
Christina
Oh, yeah. Because you're just it's a lot. It's a lot. You're processing a lot. And sometimes people, they don't even know the words to say at that time. And they just start crying when they're handing you food. And it's, you know, it's just this really hard. So so setting up an ice chest might be a way to do it.

00;10;54;15 - 00;11;05;23
Christina
And then the other thing I know you and I have talked about this funny story in my bedroom for a year. I had all of the containers that people have brought me, food, and.

00;11;06;04 - 00;11;08;01
Meghan
I knew then it was what you were going to say.

00;11;08;29 - 00;11;31;05
Christina
I felt so guilty that I had not returned the containers. That food came in and finally my daughter was here visiting and she said, Mom, these are disposable containers. They are nothing special. These are dollar tree containers. They meant for you to throw them away. And I was able to like I was able to see it. But you carry that like thinking you need to return it.

00;11;31;05 - 00;11;35;03
Christina
So I know you had seen a really cool idea.

00;11;35;03 - 00;12;04;18
Meghan
Yeah, I saw it on I think it was on TikTok where a woman bought Bakeware and stuff from like Goodwill, just like, you know, thrift stores. And whenever she would make a dish for a family, she would give it to them. And that so it was not her usual dishes and stuff. So she would just give it to them and then not not expect the dish to be returned, but it was still in like a regular glass or Pyrex or whatever it was.

00;12;05;15 - 00;12;11;26
Meghan
I thought that was really cool. Just collect used baking dishes, you know, and, and.

00;12;11;26 - 00;12;34;03
Christina
Pyrex honestly, it, it's actually not as crazy as, you know, you might expect. Sometimes you can get by one half off or something like that, stuff like that. But I think if you, if you are the person setting up a meal, train in the directions for people who are helping you, I would suggest you put please take in all disposable containers.

00;12;34;28 - 00;12;47;16
Christina
And, and then the other thing that if you if that's not the case and there aren't directions like that, if you are the person dropping off too to add a note, please do not there is no obligation to return this container.

00;12;47;27 - 00;12;52;03
Meghan
Or the recipe honestly include the recipe.

00;12;52;15 - 00;12;53;04
Christina
Oh my goodness.

00;12;53;07 - 00;12;59;13
Meghan
Some of the dishes I ate were so good and I don't. I have no idea how to make them again.

00;13;00;04 - 00;13;13;11
Christina
Yes, ma'am. We had somebody make us. Her name is Rebecca. Shout out to Rebecca. Made me this original chicken salad and it was grilled chicken. And I was like, Oh, my goodness, I need to know how she did this grilled chicken. So, yes.

00;13;13;11 - 00;13;13;17
Meghan
I.

00;13;13;17 - 00;13;30;11
Meghan
Have a funny story about chicken salad. It didn't happen to me, but it was it happened to a friend. She she had just had a baby and a friend had brought over a bunch of food and she brought this chicken salad. So my friend was like, that was the best chicken salad I've ever had in my life. Please send me the recipe.

00;13;30;21 - 00;13;51;11
Meghan
And so the friend that brought it was just like I just kind of forgot, right? So a year goes by of my friend asking for this recipe, you know? And finally the woman broke down and she was like, I bought it. And I put it in like a dish. I put it in a dish because I wanted you to think I made it.

00;13;51;12 - 00;13;56;00
Meghan
But I bought it from the grocery store.

00;13;56;00 - 00;13;57;27
Christina
That is so awesome.

00;13;58;06 - 00;14;10;28
Meghan
And, you know, that is so funny to me. I would have just that that's honestly something I might do that's so good. But yeah, I thought that was really funny.

00;14;11;17 - 00;14;37;29
Christina
I have one maybe well shared on Instagram I will say maybe. And then we all definitely shared on Instagram page. But it was a soup that somebody had brought me and it was a curry. A pumpkin curry soup. Oh, my goodness. It was. Can I please have this recipe? And she sent me the recipe and it ended up being one of my fall staple, easy soups to make.

00;14;37;29 - 00;14;55;04
Christina
So yeah, we'll have to share that one. But yes, please, I agree with you if you can share that recipe, because, you know, during that time of grief, that's a food that brought you comfort. And maybe some time later on you remember that as a comfort thing and you want to make it again. So that is a great point.

00;14;55;17 - 00;15;19;10
Meghan
Or if you have I mean, in my case, I had my son was young at the time and I had some of the other kids were you know, Jason's kids were with me kind of off and on in their and foods that they liked, you know, because, you know, kids can sometimes be picky eaters. So if you're making something and they're like, Oh, this is good, then you have to be like, Well, we'll never have it again, because I don't know how to make it, you know?

00;15;19;14 - 00;15;47;00
Meghan
Yeah. So something else I think that is helpful and maybe this is a tall order, but if you know the person, you're setting up this meal train or, or whatever you're doing, if you, if you know, whether they're an introvert or an extrovert, if you if you know them, I think that that would be incredibly helpful in my case, I'm an introvert.

00;15;47;01 - 00;16;18;10
Meghan
You are kind of an introvert. An extrovert, right. Like you, you kind of ride that line. So it's like, yes, talking to people is exhausting for me. And I was already exhausted from grieving. Right. And just having to continue my life, be mom and work and do all that. So just recognizing that maybe it's not that the person isn't she doesn't want to see you, doesn't want to talk to you.

00;16;18;16 - 00;16;31;24
Meghan
But like you were saying, put that ice chest out there or say, hey, if you have anything to leave, just leave it on my doorstep, please. It's not that I don't want to see you. It's that I'm just too tired, you know?

00;16;31;27 - 00;16;32;14
Christina
I agree.

00;16;32;23 - 00;16;36;15
Meghan
So maybe I phrase that kind of weird, but you get it. You get it, right?

00;16;37;25 - 00;17;02;17
Christina
Yeah, it totally makes sense because. And it's hard for those listening who have not experienced this, it is hard to comprehend until you're in it. It literally feels like you are moving in quicksand. You're trying to process that your whole world. It's like a door slid and your world is changed. For us, it was unexpected. And for some people it's going to be anticipatory grief.

00;17;02;17 - 00;17;26;04
Christina
But in our case, our experiences, it was unexpected. So yeah, you know, you can also gauge that as well. For some people, they they may have just experienced loss and it was anticipatory grief. They were losing somebody who had maybe, let's say, cancer. And so that person may be lonely and may want to have a visitor. They're used to visiting with their person.

00;17;26;12 - 00;17;35;11
Christina
So, you know, gauge that how, you know, see, you might ask a family member, how are they doing? And the family member may say, like, they really want company, they really want to visit with somebody.

00;17;35;11 - 00;17;53;26
Meghan
And I mean, Christina, what do you think about just asking the person? I think that if I would have been asked, hey, in a way that gave me an easy out, you know, hey, is it okay if we come over now or are you not feeling up to it? Something like that. It's okay if you don't want to see people.

00;17;53;26 - 00;18;10;06
Meghan
I'll just leave this on the doorstep and then that gives me the opportunity to just say thank you or Yeah, I'd love to see you. You know, something like that. I think asking the person, but in a way that allows them to not have to awkwardly say no.

00;18;11;18 - 00;18;34;15
Christina
I found an a book and I'm sorry, I cannot give credit to who, who who shared this. But it was this idea of saying, would you rather would you rather this or this? Giving people and using that language would is powerful. Would you rather me drop this off or would you, you know, outside or would you rather me meet you at the door?

00;18;34;17 - 00;18;50;28
Christina
Yeah. Would you rather have company or not. And giving people, I believe, giving people options also shows them respect for and having boundaries and gives them that power because you feel really powerful, powerless. In that time, the whole world was just right.

00;18;51;06 - 00;19;16;10
Meghan
I think giving them options, but then sticking with them, you know, being okay if they say, please just leave it on the doorstep and not pushing, you know, but that leads. That's a good that's a good segue way into something else. We talked quite a bit about food and the meal train. That's kind of like almost like a standard thing you think of how do I help somebody while I know they have to eat?

00;19;16;10 - 00;19;47;07
Meghan
Right. But what else can you do? And I think that something really powerful that you mentioned was saying, okay, I can come over and walk your dog on Tuesday at 6:00 or I can bring you dinner on Tuesday, or I can I can, you know, arrange for child care on Wednesday, something like that, giving people those options and saying, I'm going to show up for you, but how do you need it?

00;19;48;11 - 00;19;53;08
Meghan
And here are the choices. I will run to the store and get you eggs, milk and bread, right?

00;19;54;26 - 00;20;16;00
Christina
Yes, I one of the things that you learn is that people are going to say and it's a standard thing like how can I help? And then what I found was the one thing I needed help on and this is kind of funny, is that I said, Can you deal with it? Like, if I trap a rat, I live in a neighborhood.

00;20;16;00 - 00;20;36;27
Christina
It doesn't matter if you are the nicest house on the block. We live in the Pacific Northwest. There are fruit trees in everybody's backyard. There's a forest around us. And rats are just their life. They. They want to, you know, when it's cold outside, they make themselves at home in yours. And so you end up trapping a rat.

00;20;36;27 - 00;20;55;03
Christina
Well, that was Michael's thing to do was to get the rat, you know, out of the trap and dispose of it. That is not my my jam. So I would ask people very seriously when they were like, okay, when they say whatever, you know, just call me if you and I would say I'm this was not a joke.

00;20;55;03 - 00;20;59;04
Christina
I would say, do you could you dispose of rats? And they were like, oh, no.

00;20;59;04 - 00;20;59;18
Meghan
No, not.

00;20;59;22 - 00;21;22;19
Christina
When you found it. Yeah. Is that I think that if you come to the table instead of saying, would you call me and say, you know what, I'm really good at accounting or you know what? I help my I help my mom. When she went through this, when she went through to work on her bills or I, you know, life insurance name some things you're good at.

00;21;24;00 - 00;21;52;29
Christina
I can't even think of things right now, but name some things you're good at. Like I'm really good at mowing lawns if you need help. Like figuring out how to use your lawnmower like I'm I'm your person and share some things that are your that you have a gift in and that you are you are willing to offer to help this person so that they can just kind of keep it in their back of their mind as a Rolodex of this is the person to help with this that is that is what I would find helpful is tell me three things.

00;21;53;21 - 00;22;04;11
Christina
Here are three things come prepared with three things. Please don't please don't say call me if you need me. Yeah, because we're going to be like, I don't know what I can.

00;22;04;11 - 00;22;07;04
Meghan
Call I don't know what I need. Rhyme.

00;22;07;09 - 00;22;09;22
Christina
Yeah, yeah. At that moment, you don't know.

00;22;10;22 - 00;22;34;19
Meghan
I had some people just, like, show up in kind of unique ways. And granted, I did ask because I was like, okay, I know, you know, a handful of people that would even have any kind of idea about this i.t. Related stuff, right? Like the way the tv is set up and now I am pretty, I am pretty capable and adept when it comes to that sort of thing.

00;22;35;03 - 00;22;54;27
Meghan
But Jason was in charge of all of it. He set up the computer network, the TV. He just did it all. So had I been a part of it from the beginning, I would have known what all these wires mean. But because I'm looking at it and I'm like, Why can't I get my TV to work and connect and talk to this other thing?

00;22;54;28 - 00;23;20;27
Meghan
I'm looking at all these wires like, why is it why is this so complicated? You know, I or, you know, same thing it was I had an issue with my with my Internet, too. I called a friend who I just I knew that I knew was good at that sort of thing. And I was like, hey, if I like if we face time, can you walk me through this?

00;23;20;27 - 00;23;45;19
Meghan
Can you help me figure out what these you know, why this is working? I wound up having to ask, you know, like I went through a couple of people to like, till I found somebody that could help. But, you know, that's the kind of leans into what you were saying. You know, here's I'm really good at it. If you need any help figuring out, you know, that sort of stuff, just give me a call, you know?

00;23;46;00 - 00;23;53;05
Meghan
And a lot of times you know that about your friends, like, you know who you can call when it comes to that sort of thing. But it's nice to offer it.

00;23;54;15 - 00;24;10;11
Christina
My my neighbor, Lisa, finally, you know, and I will say, I asked a lot of men that question, and I think I ended up posting on Facebook like sharing that. And she was like, I will come. And she did. She will come over any time. All you know.

00;24;10;11 - 00;24;11;03
Meghan
So, Rox.

00;24;12;04 - 00;24;14;09
Christina
She does. She absolutely does.

00;24;14;11 - 00;24;23;22
Meghan
So I would not have wanted to get rid of a rat. I'm not gonna lie to you. I recently had a squirrel trapped in my attic. So similar idea.

00;24;26;21 - 00;24;27;29
Christina
That those are much cuter.

00;24;28;08 - 00;24;34;21
Meghan
A little bit cuter, but, you know, still still not ideal.

00;24;34;21 - 00;24;40;18
Christina
We've talked a lot about at that moment. Are you ready to talk about ways that people continued?

00;24;41;08 - 00;24;41;16
Meghan
Yeah.

00;24;42;15 - 00;25;13;21
Christina
Okay. So we talked about let's just talk about some random ways. Like in the beginning, I think that people brought over immediate gifts. But then there was that next, you know, like say 3 to 6 months out that people still continue to show up because you have that first month where, you know, your life is just like, you know, you're splattered up against a wall, but then that next 3 to 6 months is a little bit different.

00;25;13;21 - 00;25;35;12
Christina
And what I loved is I still had people showing up at people randomly drop off flowers. And again, I will say give people a spot. If you give people publicly a spot like at my mailbox, out in my driveway, in a spot, people will respect your space because you may still not be ready to to visit with people.

00;25;35;27 - 00;25;56;25
Christina
And I loved that people randomly drop things off and I saw them, but they were like so sweet about being sneaky and not, you know, you know, coming up to my front door and knocking. But they dropped off flowers. I had a really cool painting of I have many Pigs and they dropped off a really cool painting of a mini pig.

00;25;58;01 - 00;26;20;20
Christina
I even had someone drop off a handmade quilt, which is just like in credible. I crochet so I know the value, like the time that this person put in. So that was a some things that people did that they they were still these meaningful touches, but they were they were contactless. What about you? Was there anything like that for you?

00;26;20;23 - 00;26;42;28
Meghan
I, I just love that idea. So much of giving people a spot to to put things or, you know, whatever. I don't live in the same type of community you do, though. I live in a much bigger, more widespread area. So I don't know that it would have been the same for me. I didn't really have people bringing me things after that.

00;26;42;28 - 00;27;18;16
Meghan
First, you know, couple of weeks. What I did have was people came and helped me with yard work. I came home from something my son was doing and I got home and my neighbor was on a ladder in front of in my yard cleaning out my gutters. I had no idea. Right. It was so cool. They didn't ask or tell me they were doing it and I probably would have never even known they did it except that I, you know, I drove up as, as he was finishing up.

00;27;18;16 - 00;27;43;09
Meghan
So that was really cool. But I just had people, you know, show up, like I said, help me with yard work. I had people just check in and I really loved that. Just a quick little note, you know, like a text or a message or whatever. And some of Jason's friends would just kind of check in and his family just see how you're doing.

00;27;43;09 - 00;27;57;24
Meghan
Not really, you know, just kind of chat for a little bit. And that just made me feel good that they were that they were thinking of me. I didn't need them to provide anything. It was just nice to be thought of, you know? Yes. I thought that was especially those.

00;27;58;13 - 00;28;06;17
Christina
Those messages that they meant so much on Facebook when people would just drop into a private message and say, like, I'm thinking of.

00;28;06;17 - 00;28;08;08
Meghan
You. Yeah. At a random time.

00;28;08;20 - 00;28;17;18
Christina
Yeah. Yes, that was so it. And so I think if if you're out there and you're listening, if someone crosses your mind.

00;28;17;20 - 00;28;18;17
Meghan
Send the message.

00;28;18;17 - 00;28;20;19
Christina
Just send a message.

00;28;20;19 - 00;28;24;14
Meghan
Just say, hey, thinking. Have to do it. That's all. Yeah, that's.

00;28;24;14 - 00;28;41;02
Christina
All. You don't have to have a big conversation, right. Or anything. Just thinking of you like follow your gut with that. You know the universe. God, somebody is putting that person on your heart for a reason and you don't know what that means. You have no idea what it means to us.

00;28;41;02 - 00;29;06;04
Meghan
But I and it it feels good. And that's something you have said before is the greatest gift. Is people still talking about your person? Yes. Don't don't be afraid to tell stories, have conversations and chat about it, because we love that, you know. Yeah. Keep their memory alive. You have said that before and I yeah, I agree.

00;29;07;10 - 00;29;24;05
Christina
Yeah. If you think of a story that you know, oh man, I remember my husband at work would come home and tell, you know, stories of things that happened at work. And it's like, I appreciate when I see people that he worked with who will stop me in the grocery store and say like, Hey, how are you doing?

00;29;24;05 - 00;29;46;11
Christina
Oh, my goodness. I was thinking of they, you know, they would have called him Mike, Mike the other day and tell me a story. I appreciate that so much because when you speak their name, it means the world to us. And remember, like you hold those memories. I don't know those memories. Right. But someday I'm going to be able to share those with with our grandchildren.

00;29;46;11 - 00;30;07;23
Christina
And so and it means I cannot even tell you what those memories mean to myself and my children. Like, that's huge. And when someone does something, it it I will stop here and like, share this. And Megan knows this. At my husband's job, they made these bands that.

00;30;08;08 - 00;30;09;09
Meghan
Had a bracelet.

00;30;10;04 - 00;30;32;00
Christina
Yes, thank you. It's like a rubber. And so it said my husband's name and then it said EAW, which is End of watch if you're not familiar with that term. And it had the date that he passed and it has been over two years and I'm currently taking a biology class and I sat down next to somebody and I looked over and she's wearing one of these bands and, and.

00;30;32;03 - 00;30;34;14
Meghan
It's so cool that I.

00;30;34;14 - 00;30;52;29
Christina
Mean, she saw the world. Yeah. And I, I just I'd heard, I knew that they had made them and, but I had never seen one in the wild, you know, just come across somebody in the wild with one on. And I said, nice band. And she said, Thank you. And after a little bit I said, he was my husband.

00;30;53;05 - 00;31;19;18
Christina
And she started crying and it turned out she was one of his one of the people that he worked with. And she was a psych tech. And she and he always talked about his psych techs that he worked with and how great they were and the team of people that he worked with. And he said she said it was just like so cool to hear her, you know, talk about him.

00;31;19;18 - 00;31;37;24
Christina
But she said to me, he was my sergeant. And that phrase means a lot to me because a lot of people that would come to me will say, he was my sergeant. It's just he was my leader. And so when I hear that, it means a lot to me. And so that is so to share the stories.

00;31;37;29 - 00;32;01;10
Meghan
I love that story in particular because you were never supposed to take this biology class. You were in a science class. Yes. You dropped it last semester and you were like, I'm just going to take my last course, my last class. I'm just going to finish next semester. I'm not going to worry about it. So you were never you were supposed to have finished in December and then you wound up in this biology class.

00;32;01;10 - 00;32;02;21
Meghan
I think that's so cool.

00;32;03;01 - 00;32;23;20
Christina
Yeah, it's so cool. So it's just stuff like that is to keep remembering and it means a lot to the family. It means that this girl, she told me, I only wear this and my wedding ring are the only pieces of jewelry that I wear. And that is that means so much. And so to be able to share that with his family meant the world to them.

00;32;23;20 - 00;32;31;22
Christina
Because you sometimes think, did people forget, you know, your head can play tricks with you. Anybody else remember my person?

00;32;31;22 - 00;32;53;19
Meghan
Yeah, I concur. I, I think that all the time, like, do you do you remember? I mean, keep telling me the stories I want to hear, even though it's been this, you know, so long after he's passed and even though I'm dating somebody else right now, I still want to hear the stories that you have and speak his name.

00;32;53;19 - 00;33;05;29
Meghan
And, you know, I think it's it's really important, particularly I mean, not only for me, but for my son, for Jason's kids. So, yeah, I think it's really important.

00;33;07;10 - 00;33;25;02
Christina
And that is that is something that costs you nothing. By the way, you think about like, how do I do this? It it it doesn't cost you a penny to, to send that note to do that thing to share. Yeah, to share that story. So.

00;33;25;07 - 00;33;49;00
Meghan
Right. And you know, I'd like to add, if you're sending a message or a text or something, I think it's important not to expect a response because maybe, maybe, you know, that person is still really struggling. I would I would bet that they still want to hear the story. They want to read it. They want to see the pictures or the video or whatever it is that you're sending.

00;33;49;07 - 00;34;08;18
Meghan
But maybe they don't have it in them yet to respond, but still send it. Don't expect a response or a big conversation. Just the fact that you sent it, that you're thinking of them, that you're thinking of their person, that they lost, that will mean the world. Just just know that know that going in, you know.

00;34;09;06 - 00;34;28;15
Christina
And you can even close it with no need to respond. Yeah. No need to respond. Just wanted to share this with you. Yeah, I have. This is another thing that I as I've heard before, we lost my brother when he was 17. It is a really crappy club. If you're in this club, you get it. It's not a club people want to be part of.

00;34;28;15 - 00;34;51;14
Christina
And I remember that on my brother's birthday, many years later, a friend's dad passed away. And so that I remember every year that the that her passed away and I sent her a message on that day and just say, thinking of you, I don't talk to her a lot of times for a full year and I just send that every year.

00;34;51;14 - 00;35;08;29
Christina
So if you do like do just stuff like that means the world to us, if you remember that. So if you remember somebody are their child, they maybe lost a child and you remember and you're afraid to do that again means the world to us that you still think of our loved ones.

00;35;08;29 - 00;35;33;06
Meghan
Yes. And it's free. That's the thing. You don't have to spend money just to say, hey, I'm thinking of you. I love that you're so good about dates. I'm not as good at dates as you are, but to to like, you know, remember to send a text on a specific day to somebody that is not something that is in my wheelhouse unless I put it in my Google calendar, you know.

00;35;33;19 - 00;35;47;09
Meghan
But yeah. So if, so, if you're like me and you're like, well, I don't know when the anniversary is right. Just sending a message any time honestly is, is valuable. But this is.

00;35;47;13 - 00;35;48;12
Christina
I've even said I.

00;35;48;18 - 00;35;48;21
Meghan
Had.

00;35;48;24 - 00;36;24;02
Christina
Suggested to people that if if you go to your calendar, a lot of times you'll know this. If you've lost someone in the beginning, it's your counting weeks and then after a while you're counting months, and then eventually you're going to count years. And so if you're somebody who's experienced loss and and this resonates with you, you will know go to your calendar and mark one month since so so-and-so is gone six months and so that if you're somebody that you want to send that text, it's it's in your calendar.

00;36;24;14 - 00;36;24;20
Meghan
It's.

00;36;24;20 - 00;36;32;06
Christina
Going to pop up. And I promise you that might seem like, is this good to do? I promise you it's good to do.

00;36;32;25 - 00;36;47;26
Meghan
So promise you promise. So this has been heavy. What are some fun things that people did for you? Some cool, maybe cool gifts you got are cool, you know, unique ideas for people.

00;36;47;28 - 00;37;12;13
Christina
So I have friends. I do not live in my hometown. I'm 740 miles from my hometown and I love that. Like my best friend from high school, she is an English teacher and she sent me a year of Audible and I was just like, Oh my gosh, like, I love Audible. I love to be some audible. And that was such a cool gift.

00;37;12;13 - 00;37;37;05
Christina
Another one, somebody sent me a subscription. You know how like their subscription boxes, they just did it for like three months, which I was like, so cool. So stuff. Let me think. If there was. Yeah, I think that was those were two of like really fun gifts that people and, and again, they didn't send those until like six months out.

00;37;37;16 - 00;38;04;22
Christina
Yeah. So that that also made it really special. And then at Christmas time, my first Christmas, my friend Jenna, she sent me a Christmas ornament with this and this really cool saying on it. She sent that to me. And so I like that like so many people send you stuff in the beginning, but it's, it's so, it was so special to me, the people who remember later.

00;38;04;24 - 00;38;08;23
Christina
So yeah, those were three of my like things that really stand out to me.

00;38;09;02 - 00;38;33;00
Meghan
Yeah. For me it was actually Jason died in June, so the following Valentine's Day. So this was eight months later. My, a couple of my friends sent me stuff. They just sent me, you know, just cute little stuff that arrived on Valentine's Day. Right. So that was really cute. I got one of them, actually. She didn't put like a gift note, so I asked.

00;38;33;00 - 00;38;55;06
Meghan
I was like, who sent me these succulents? What? So eventually I got to her, you know, and I was like, Did you send me this? And she was like, Oh, yeah, I just I realized I forgot to do the gift note. And I figured, well, I'll just see if she noticed. Yeah. So that was really cool to have somebody give me on on the following Valentine's Day.

00;38;55;14 - 00;39;26;07
Meghan
Yes. And then I had people I had people text me on important days, you know, I mean, people people were really good about reaching reaching out and messaging me all throughout that first year. But when people would text me on important days like Christmas or we our anniversary, our our elope, our elope adversary was December 26th. And I got a text like, Hey, how you doing today?

00;39;26;07 - 00;39;49;09
Meghan
That was that was really cool. And the first the first anniversary of that day, I wanted to go have sushi. Sushi was of Jason's favorite foods, where there's a local place that I really like to, to go. Right. And so I was going to go have sushi. I asked my friend if she wanted to come with me and then my car wouldn't start.

00;39;50;24 - 00;40;08;04
Meghan
So I wound up like I hadn't driven my car in, you know, it was like the week of Christmas, so I was just home. And anyway, my car wouldn't start, so I couldn't go. I had to wait and go later. But a cool, a cool thing about that place is whenever I go, I look for our picture on the wall.

00;40;08;16 - 00;40;33;17
Meghan
It's one of those places where they like sometimes take your picture and they fill it up. So it's like, go find our picture. But anyway, those were two things that were cool. I love the idea of sending an audible membership. If you think about you know, flowers, sending flowers, sending a plant that's so nice. Sending just the thought of sending anything is so nice.

00;40;33;17 - 00;40;49;29
Meghan
I have a plant. Yes. That I still have from my former colleagues. They sent me this plant and I still have it. It's been almost four years and it's still you know, it's alive and thriving. And so Christina has one, two.

00;40;49;29 - 00;40;54;26
Christina
She I have three. I am so proud of myself. I feel like.

00;40;54;26 - 00;40;55;25
Meghan
Yeah, yeah.

00;40;56;00 - 00;41;06;18
Christina
So I feel bad for people. I'm like, what if what if the plant that somebody sent them, like, die? Like, I feel like a failure, but I'm like always so proud of myself. Like, they're still.

00;41;06;18 - 00;41;13;15
Meghan
Alive two years later. But I mean, that's the thing. Like, plants are cool because you can keep them. Yes, flowers are.

00;41;13;15 - 00;41;13;26
Christina
Yes.

00;41;13;27 - 00;41;35;09
Meghan
Beautiful I love flowers. If you are listening to this and you're like, hey, I wonder if Megan would like to receive flowers. The answer is yes, I love flowers. But they, you know, so you had a really unique idea where it was if in lieu of flowers, send a gift card to this nursery, right?

00;41;35;13 - 00;42;00;25
Christina
Yes. My mother had said right after that, she said, Christina, people are going to want to send you flowers. And she said, if you don't give them, you know, some sort of idea, then you're going to get a ton of flowers. And so I thought, you know, I would really like to my husband really like we were. If you remember from my story, we are planning to move off the grid.

00;42;00;25 - 00;42;28;24
Christina
We were going we had recently had a fire here, a large fire, which was devastating. And we lost a lot of trees. And white oak was one of the things we lost. And so I said, I want to plant a white oak tree on the family property. And so I asked people to, in lieu of flowers they would do gift certificates and I wanted to do a mature tree.

00;42;28;24 - 00;42;53;20
Christina
If you've ever priced those they're they're pretty spendy and my community wow I think it was almost 1400 dollars in gift certificates that and people were able to call you know from all over the U.S. and to be able to donate to that. My friends from high school got together and they donated. There were local nonprofits that donated that we had been a part of.

00;42;53;20 - 00;43;02;29
Christina
And so it was really cool. And now that tree stands in his memory. So that's another idea is to contact a local nursery.

00;43;02;29 - 00;43;05;17
Meghan
Mhm. I thought that was right. And a tree. He told me that.

00;43;06;07 - 00;43;16;01
Christina
Another thing that we've talked about is if, if maybe you live, if, if maybe this hasn't crossed your mind, but sometimes you think I want to send food.

00;43;16;23 - 00;43;17;13
Meghan
Or.

00;43;17;13 - 00;43;39;21
Christina
And I don't know how to do this. Now this could be even somebody who my middle had adopted and I wanted to have some way to show her support. They had adopted two little ones, and we had started, the pandemic had hit. And I was like, I want some way to to support her and but I can't take her a meal.

00;43;40;15 - 00;44;00;27
Christina
And so I found I had heard about a place called Southern Baked Pies. It is a female owned business, which I love the idea we are not sponsored by them, but if they would like to sponsor us, you know, send us an even pie. And they do these really great pot pies and all of this stuff and they do sweet pies.

00;44;01;05 - 00;44;24;02
Christina
And so I was able to ship that to her. And so it is another way that if you live in Nebraska and your family member lives in Arizona and you would like to send them, it's a way that you could do that, is to have them pies shipped. Or if you live in the Austin area or Texas or some other places, things like Tiff's treats, which is chocolate chip cookies.

00;44;24;02 - 00;44;26;17
Christina
I've sent those to people that were grieving.

00;44;26;26 - 00;44;35;10
Meghan
Also not just by two streets, but also love cookies would would be happy to be.

00;44;35;10 - 00;44;37;14
Christina
Yes. You have sent in treats before.

00;44;37;15 - 00;44;54;13
Meghan
I really appreciated that. That was when I was hesitant to give you my address. You know, two weeks after we had started chatting Stranger on the Internet, you used it. You used it for good. With great power comes great responsibility. And yes, you you used it for good.

00;44;54;13 - 00;45;12;13
Christina
So and that was the second anniversary of Jason's death, I think, is when I sent those. I think that's what it was. Yeah, I sent brownies. Yeah, I sent brownies. And I think cookies. And you guys said that the blondies, again, not in our enticement, but if you're sending, according to Megan.

00;45;12;24 - 00;45;13;22
Meghan
And her, say.

00;45;13;29 - 00;45;15;11
Christina
The blondies are the best.

00;45;15;11 - 00;45;20;26
Meghan
They were. So that's what it was. You didn't send cookies, you sent the brownie assortment. And and we need to.

00;45;20;26 - 00;45;24;27
Christina
Explain to people these aren't just cookies, friends. These are.

00;45;24;27 - 00;45;28;21
Meghan
Warm cookies, which is so cool.

00;45;29;02 - 00;45;45;09
Christina
Yeah, yeah. It's like it's like a hug along with the cookies. So. Yes. So those are just some ideas of ways that because I live in the Pacific Northwest, that I have been able to reach across the country and show people support at different times.

00;45;45;09 - 00;46;16;22
Meghan
So, you know, and there's now we have so many options, too. I have had people not not for, you know, any any reason around Jason passing, but I've had people send me groceries or, you know, random like, you know, if I was sick or whatever, you could get on Amazon or Uber eats like delivers groceries. Also Walmart, the Kroger stores, they all do delivery, you know, so you can have things like that delivered.

00;46;16;22 - 00;46;40;01
Meghan
I have sent two meals before that way, so we just have so many options now. My, my friend sent me last year. It was on my birthday. She sent me chocolate milk and fruit snacks because that's what we, that's what we like lived on in high school. Oh, so she sent that as a, you know, just like a a throwback.

00;46;40;01 - 00;46;50;21
Meghan
So I mean, there's so many ways to show that you care, you know, to to send somebody something.

00;46;50;21 - 00;47;13;25
Christina
So, so another creative way that I thought of. But it wasn't until I was experiencing this, I was talking to my counselor, I someone from a faith background. And I know one of the if you are from a Kurdish, the Christian faith or Protestant faith, the Bible talks about widows and orphans. And I know the church a lot of times has taken up the cause of like kids that are in foster care.

00;47;13;25 - 00;47;39;24
Christina
But if you are someone that is thinking like, how can I support widows and you are a part of an organization and you're just looking for some way to help? One of the things that I talk to my counselor about is the co-pays. Just the co-pays alone for people to go to counseling can add up. And I said if churches had started a fund, you know, those co-pays can be 25, $30 a month.

00;47;39;24 - 00;48;06;20
Christina
That's $100 a month in co-pays. And if there were a fund even to help somebody who's going through loss, to be able to go to counseling even for one month, for four sessions and stuff like that, to go to a professional counselor, I think would be a nice thing. So, you know, another thing that I saw recently was an organization that did a dinner on the Friday before Valentine's Day.

00;48;06;28 - 00;48;31;02
Christina
So if you're an organization, you're part of one. And it was for widows and widowers. Some other ones are things like at Christmas time where organizations do like a night where that they remember people who have lost children. So if you're somebody that's part of one of those and you're thinking, how can I support, how can we bring this community of people together in my organization and support someone experiencing loss?

00;48;31;12 - 00;48;34;26
Christina
Those are just some ways that I have, you know, thought of.

00;48;36;19 - 00;48;47;10
Meghan
That's a great idea. I love that even you know, you talked about the co-pays for counseling, but even a membership to like a.

00;48;47;10 - 00;48;48;21
Christina
Now with better help.

00;48;48;21 - 00;48;51;10
Meghan
Yes. Talkspace something like that.

00;48;51;10 - 00;48;58;08
Christina
Like a monthly payment for somebody somebody privately could do for someone. So it just. Yeah, right.

00;48;58;27 - 00;49;26;22
Meghan
There have been several ways that people, you know firsthand, we you and I, have received help after the loss of our husbands. So we've talked about how people showed up in the beginning. You know, what was really helpful at that time with, you know, from bringing us food to donating money to, you know, the way food was labeled, putting it away, things like that.

00;49;27;24 - 00;49;56;10
Meghan
We've talked about how people continued to show up creatively six, nine, 12 months down the line. You know, all throughout that first year, we were fortunate to have people show up for us. And I think it's really cool that your friends that you an audible membership I mean what what a gift just because you can just kind of get lost in whatever maybe you want to look for books about how to handle grief.

00;49;56;10 - 00;50;23;15
Meghan
Right. Or but maybe you just want to get lost in, like, a romance novel. Whatever, man. You know, it's just a way to kind of escape your reality for a little while. I think that is such a good idea. And I think I think the greatest gift, the greatest thing you can do for somebody that's lost somebody is to keep talking about that person, you know, just mess it, message your friend and say, how are you doing today?

00;50;23;21 - 00;50;42;24
Meghan
You know, like, how how are you doing? I was thinking of you. I was thinking of this time when, you know, Jason did this or that, that was really cool or it was really fun or whatever. And I was just thinking of, you know, how are you doing? I think that it's it's the freest thing you can do and it gets.

00;50;42;28 - 00;51;01;07
Christina
You know, obligation. Yes. And and I will say, you know, as we close, I was one of those people, when you see somebody, you know, they've lost someone on Facebook and maybe there's not they're not somebody in your community or they are in your community. And I would always think like, oh, I need to figure out some creative, unique thing.

00;51;01;07 - 00;51;21;24
Christina
Everybody said, I am sorry for your loss. Or they've rephrased in different ways, you know what? Nobody cares. I don't care if 5000 people said I'm sorry for your loss. It is the point. Put a sticker on there, put an emoji. Whatever it is, every single time. I cannot encourage you enough to continue to show up for your friends.

00;51;22;25 - 00;51;28;00
Christina
Just write something. I don't know what to say. You are not going to say.

00;51;28;01 - 00;51;30;23
Meghan
Yeah, exact that you thought it is the world.

00;51;30;23 - 00;51;44;01
Christina
So whatever that looks like, whether it's creative or just a really simple touch, please know, please know from the bottom of our heart it means the world to us. It does not go unnoticed.

00;51;44;22 - 00;52;11;13
Meghan
Right? And when you say I'm sorry for your loss, I'd add a person, add a little personal touch. You know, Jason was always so nice to me or. Or Michael was the best boss I ever had, you know, something like that. Just that little extra personal detail. It means so much because like Christina said earlier, we don't have those memories of them with you, you know?

00;52;11;13 - 00;52;48;15
Meghan
So you sharing that, that's just so cool. So. Okay, friends, the time has come. So whether your cup is empty, half full or overflowing, raise it up. And here's to the craziness of life. After a loss. Cheers. Cheers. Thank you so much for being here with us. Please subscribe to our podcast if you found it helpful and you can also find us on social media, on Instagram at full Cop Club podcast, and if you search Full Club Club podcast on Facebook again, thanks friends and we'll see you next time.