53 - Red Flags to Watch Out For in Dating

Christina and Meghan share some red flags to look out for at the beginning of a relationship, and Meghan sprinkles in some real life examples from her dating days. You may spot these red flags in someone you're dating, your new coworkers or boss, or any type of community you're entering, or maybe it's something you're already a part of and now you can see these behaviors for what they are. Don't just take our word for it, do some research! The moral of the episode is: never settle. Don't give your energy to someone who doesn't respect it. Keep your head up, you're worth it.

Links we talked about in this episode:
A deeper dive on love bombing - https://www.healthline.com/health/love-bombing
A deeper dive on trauma dumping - https://www.choosingtherapy.com/trauma-dumping/
Dr. Ramani - https://doctor-ramani.com/

Full Book Cup Club Book of the Month:
Drumroll please for next month's Full Book Cup Club book... Daring Greatly by Brené Brown. Grab yours now or check it out from the library!

Transcript

00;00;00;00 - 00;00;18;26
Christina
You might remember that I started playing Pickleball well a couple of weeks ago. I was playing in a mixed a mixed match, so male and female and a male partner. And I had a tell you, I was like out there, like I was defending my high school's honor on that court. And I went.

00;00;18;26 - 00;00;21;09
Meghan
For a given and 110%.

00;00;21;20 - 00;00;28;26
Christina
Yes. And I went for a ball and I got I got that ball, but I ate it.

00;00;28;29 - 00;00;30;07
Meghan
Hell, yeah, I did.

00;00;30;11 - 00;00;32;24
Christina
I did. But the best.

00;00;32;24 - 00;00;42;22
Christina
Part was that my partner, like, he played the rest of the point and he won. And like, I think he won the point. And I didn't tell you, you.

00;00;42;22 - 00;00;43;13
Meghan
Just like.

00;00;43;14 - 00;00;52;19
Christina
Laying on the grass. I was I was making sure like, it's like where you fall and you're like, are am I all in one piece? Like, are my.

00;00;53;04 - 00;00;54;06
Meghan
Did I break into.

00;00;54;12 - 00;00;56;24
Christina
Exactly. And it was funny.

00;00;56;24 - 00;01;17;12
Christina
Because like a week later we were talking about it and he was like, yeah, he's like, I thought about going over and picking you up. And I was like, No. I was like, over there thinking, finish them. And so, yeah, yeah, no. On the other hand, I am still nursing the knee that has turned black and my shin is yellow all the way down.

00;01;17;25 - 00;01;20;05
Christina
But yeah, we won.

00;01;20;05 - 00;01;23;09
Meghan
That's the price you pay for that pickleball point.

00;01;23;10 - 00;01;29;05
Christina
It is very serious out there. Hi, I'm Christina.

00;01;29;05 - 00;01;32;12
Meghan
And I'm Megan, and this is the Full Cup Club podcast.

00;01;32;14 - 00;01;35;17
Christina
If you've been knocked down, we're here to cheer you on as you get back up.

00;01;35;18 - 00;01;38;19
Meghan
So whether your cup has coffee, tea, or vodka in it.

00;01;38;22 - 00;01;58;27
Christina
Welcome to the FA Cup Club. Hey, friends. On today's episode we are talking about red flags in relationships in the beginning of a relationship specifically. Before we begin, Megan, I'm curious to see because I heard you open it. What is in your account today?

00;02;00;06 - 00;02;14;17
Meghan
So this is a fun one. It's a sparkling water and it's called Dr. Ugly. And it's like a Dr. Pepper dupe, but it's sparkling water. Like that's what it's supposed to be.

00;02;14;25 - 00;02;15;09
Christina
Interesting.

00;02;15;20 - 00;02;18;04
Meghan
I made a face like, well, that's weird.

00;02;18;04 - 00;02;18;21
Christina
I'm like.

00;02;18;24 - 00;02;25;17
Meghan
Yeah, it is. It's not as weird as you think. It tastes like cherry flavored, sparkling water. Oh. So Dr. Pepper has, like, that.

00;02;25;17 - 00;02;27;01
Christina
Cherry, too? Yeah. Yeah, that's.

00;02;27;01 - 00;02;31;06
Christina
True. And I forgot to ask you, like, what is filling your cup? What's bringing you joy?

00;02;31;18 - 00;02;47;19
Meghan
My life is pretty busy, just as a rule. Just, you know, between all the. All the things I have on my plate and then all the things that I like want to add to my plate. You know, it's like the things I want to do. It's like it's like I have my full plate of things I have to do.

00;02;47;19 - 00;02;59;16
Meghan
And then there's dessert and that's all the things that I want to do. So between all of that, my plate is, like, overflowing. Like your first. Your first trip through the buffet line.

00;02;59;19 - 00;03;01;12
Christina
Yeah. Okay. It all I have.

00;03;01;24 - 00;03;27;28
Meghan
So to say, you know, given that I'm just generally a very busy person, I had a really relaxing, chill couple of days and I feel very energized by that. Like sometimes you just need a day where you're not doing a big project or whatever, you know? I still did work and got work done, but I didn't add more to my plate, you know what I mean during that time.

00;03;27;28 - 00;03;50;06
Meghan
So I just feel very relaxed and revitalized because of that. And when I relax, it is not the same, I think, as with other people because like I still like did a freelance project and finished uploading our episodes to our new website. And so I mean.

00;03;50;25 - 00;04;05;09
Christina
Anyway, I'm over here laughing because I know like Megan's over here, like doing the website and then I'm like, just getting off the pickleball court, like, watching, and she's like, I just did this, and I'm like, I feel like a jerk because she's.

00;04;06;01 - 00;04;24;03
Meghan
Doing website stuff and it's like something I can do at home while I'm watching Netflix. I don't have to put in. I've built so many websites in my career. It just it is work, but it comes pretty easily. I don't have to like research what to do next.

00;04;24;11 - 00;04;25;28
Christina
It's just, you know, okay.

00;04;25;28 - 00;04;28;17
Meghan
So it's not it's it's fine.

00;04;28;17 - 00;04;29;17
Christina
Okay. Okay.

00;04;29;29 - 00;04;37;02
Meghan
I finished watching Emily in Paris, which is not my general type of show that I like, but I finished it.

00;04;38;12 - 00;04;38;24
Christina
I did.

00;04;38;24 - 00;04;39;14
Christina
You cross it.

00;04;40;14 - 00;04;42;00
Christina
Through and.

00;04;42;13 - 00;04;43;27
Meghan
Then I cross it off my list.

00;04;43;28 - 00;04;51;02
Christina
That's funny. Oh, my gosh. Life is too short to finish a bad Netflix series.

00;04;51;02 - 00;04;56;29
Meghan
I tried it myself. Yeah, I. Yeah, I try to tell myself that. And then and yet.

00;04;57;14 - 00;04;58;18
Christina
And but you.

00;04;58;18 - 00;05;00;03
Christina
Still go on.

00;05;02;02 - 00;05;02;10
Christina
Okay.

00;05;02;21 - 00;05;06;06
Meghan
So what's filling your cup, both physically and metaphorically?

00;05;06;07 - 00;05;10;25
Christina
Well, I had left over coffee this morning, which is rare, and so I put it in the refrigerator.

00;05;10;25 - 00;05;11;20
Meghan
Not usual for.

00;05;11;20 - 00;05;12;26
Christina
You. It is not used.

00;05;12;26 - 00;05;14;07
Meghan
I always have leftover.

00;05;14;09 - 00;05;33;08
Christina
Yeah, but not today, man. I had leftover coffee and I. It's nice and chilled art. Perfect. I have a really good coffee. Like, you know, sometimes, like, leftover coffee isn't good. This brand is good when it's chilled. So maybe it's getting that time of year, maybe I should start making two cups and chilling one for the afternoon. I don't know.

00;05;33;08 - 00;05;45;14
Christina
We'll see. What is bringing me joy right now is that my dog is getting closer to coming home. So she comes home. Valentine's with.

00;05;45;14 - 00;05;45;29
Meghan
For little.

00;05;45;29 - 00;05;48;01
Christina
Lady. Yes. And I.

00;05;48;01 - 00;05;48;25
Meghan
Sometimes we.

00;05;48;26 - 00;05;51;22
Christina
Yes, she will be my valentine this year.

00;05;51;22 - 00;05;53;11
Meghan
So that's so cute.

00;05;53;12 - 00;06;02;23
Christina
I got video of her. And so that was really fun to get to see her. And so I'm going in excited and looking at all of the pet supplies and all that.

00;06;02;23 - 00;06;04;18
Meghan
So yeah, it is exciting.

00;06;04;18 - 00;06;32;07
Christina
Okay, friends, we're going to jump right into this episode, a little bit different episode, kind of harkening back to us being widows. I was having dinner a couple of months ago and it with a widow was at dinner and she was sharing with me her dating experience. And he got on this conversation about how that a lot of times younger generation understands what red flags are.

00;06;32;14 - 00;07;00;21
Christina
But if you've been widowed or maybe you're new to dating and you're older, red flags aren't maybe something that you're aware of. You can hear people talk about them and you're like, Okay, what's that? But if you've never sat down and looked it up today we're going to share what red flags are, give you some language to understand, and hopefully this will help because with this widow, she is yeah, she was 70.

00;07;00;21 - 00;07;29;01
Christina
She's very spry and active and all of that stuff and great personality. And she ended up in a situation where one of her friends was like, Oh, hey, this is what's happening. And she was not aware. So let's let's dove right right in to dove right in. So we're going to be talking about potentially hidden red flags that can lead in early in, early on, maybe you're on their first date or attend the first week or so.

00;07;29;08 - 00;07;40;16
Christina
This can also translate maybe into an organization that you become part of. Maybe it's a job. Yeah. Like internships. So things to watch out for.

00;07;40;27 - 00;07;43;02
Meghan
Not just romantic relationships.

00;07;43;02 - 00;07;45;14
Christina
Examiner relationship. Exactly.

00;07;45;14 - 00;07;52;06
Meghan
Any human dogs immune. They have zero red flags. All green flags.

00;07;52;28 - 00;08;20;04
Christina
Yeah. So a lot of times when you are in these situations and maybe you go on a first date or something like that, you this may be the only time that you have to identify some of these red flags. And that's what we want to talk about. So going to share an example, let's say that you've never been to the beach before or and you're not familiar with what a riptide is, riptides are when two tides are coming together.

00;08;20;04 - 00;08;38;07
Christina
And what happens is if you get out in to the ocean and you can't get back in, if there's a riptide and your family standing on the beach and they're looking at you and you're scared and you're trying to swim back in, but it's not happening. The tides keeping you out, your family doesn't even know what the riptide is.

00;08;38;07 - 00;08;59;11
Christina
They don't even have language for what the riptide is. And so they can't help you. You're scared. Your family scared. Nobody knows what the heck is going on. Sometimes at the beach, there's a sign that explains what Riptide is. And so that's what we're doing today, is we're giving you language for what, red flags to what what red flags are, what to watch for.

00;08;59;23 - 00;09;10;18
Christina
And by the way, if you are ever caught in a riptide, you need to swim parallel to the shore, swim down the beach, and then you'll be able to get out of that riptide and get out. So that's what we want to give you today.

00;09;10;18 - 00;09;17;12
Meghan
Just sitting here. I see. Like, what do I do if I'm caught in a riptide? You got to tell me.

00;09;17;12 - 00;09;36;25
Christina
Yeah. So that's that's how you get out. And so research this, but we're going to give you some really basic stuff and hopefully pique your interest into what this is and so that you can go and do more research on the Internet. So we're going to start off with Love Bombing. Love Bombing happens at the very beginning of a relationship.

00;09;36;25 - 00;09;39;24
Meghan
And it sounds good. It sounds fun.

00;09;40;04 - 00;09;43;24
Christina
Does it sounds like a glitter bomb or like a bath.

00;09;43;24 - 00;09;45;27
Christina
Bomb, but it's not.

00;09;45;27 - 00;10;20;09
Christina
Be fooled. Yeah, don't be fooled. So, love bombing is a first phase in a relationship. And like I said, it happens very early on and it's the characteristics of it are it's rapid, it happens very rapidly. It may be large gifts. It may be grand gestures. It is it's quick. If you have just as a fun side note, if you go and watch the movie, the show on Netflix called Dirty John, you're going to see this in action.

00;10;20;13 - 00;10;29;22
Christina
And at the bottom of it, they're going to put the amount of days that this happened. It's a true story. It's only like five episodes, but you're going to see how rapidly love bombing can happen.

00;10;30;06 - 00;10;35;02
Meghan
I think that there might have been a little bit of this. Did you watch Inventing Anna on Netflix?

00;10;35;02 - 00;10;36;23
Christina
Yes. Yes, I did.

00;10;36;24 - 00;10;46;19
Meghan
There was some of this in that, too, like when you're talking about like expensive gifts and elaborate trips and private jets and whatever.

00;10;46;25 - 00;11;13;03
Christina
Yes. And it's it's not always grand, grandiose. The bombing there can be very quiet, calm, you know, just quiet. The quiet love bombers. So the grandiose loved bomber, like you said, they use big gestures and it keeps you off balance is what happens. They're telling you, oh, my gosh, you're so wonderful. Where have you been all of my life?

00;11;13;03 - 00;11;34;18
Christina
There. It's just it's overwhelming where that the Quiet Love bomber is maybe a little bit less calm. I'm sorry, less common. It's where you become sucked in entirely into the other person's emotional world is what happens. And it feels very intense and they're trying to get you to rescue them or take care of them.

00;11;34;27 - 00;11;58;07
Meghan
Mm hmm. So both of those are ways to control you. Yes. So grandiose gesture. It kind of pulls you in and you're not in control of anything that's happening, even though you're getting all of this stuff. And it seems like gifts and and displays of affection, but really, it's a form of like putting you in your place.

00;11;58;17 - 00;12;03;03
Christina
Yes. Yes. It throws you off balance.

00;12;03;03 - 00;12;03;15
Meghan
Yeah.

00;12;04;04 - 00;12;27;26
Christina
So another way that love bombing can happen, another red flag is the time consuming. I don't know if you've ever seen in a relationship where I saw one time where I was like, Oh, look it, her boyfriend goes everywhere with her and he's taking her to do this and he's waiting for her. Sometimes what happens is that person is using it as a form of control.

00;12;28;12 - 00;12;39;10
Christina
They're texting you constantly, they're calling you constantly. They want to know where you are. This is actually a form of control that happens and that is another red flag to watch out for.

00;12;39;19 - 00;12;51;17
Meghan
So how do you tell the difference between a healthy amount of that? You know, a healthy amount of texting and gifts and things and an unhealthy amount.

00;12;51;23 - 00;13;14;08
Christina
So one of the things that I think Dirty John gives, like I said, a really great example of this because they put the amount of days we're not talking about this over an extended period of time, you know, weeks and months, that type of thing. We're talking this can happen within days. There's this can you know, they're consuming your time there.

00;13;14;08 - 00;13;23;20
Christina
You fell off balance. You feel overwhelmed. This is happening very, very rapidly. So that would be the difference.

00;13;23;27 - 00;13;35;26
Meghan
I see. Yeah. Because in a healthy relationship, it's over time. It's like, you know, you have a date, you might text or whatever, but you're not like on your way to meeting their family or anything.

00;13;35;26 - 00;13;36;21
Christina
Exactly.

00;13;36;29 - 00;13;37;25
Meghan
For months.

00;13;37;28 - 00;14;06;25
Christina
Yes. Because we see if you are going online and looking up, does this person like me, you're going to see things where they talk about are they introducing you to their family? Are they introducing you to their friends? Are they talking about a future together? Those types of things. And those are signs, but they're the same signs of that are actually red flags because if they're taking you to meet their family within days, they're friends.

00;14;06;25 - 00;14;18;10
Christina
Within days, they're talking about marrying you within the first, you know, the days, the weeks, that type of thing. That is a red flag versus over an extended period of months.

00;14;18;20 - 00;14;31;26
Meghan
And we'll link an article to in the show notes about love bombing so you can get more info and kind of start the the rest of your research because don't just take our word for it. Do your research. Look it.

00;14;31;26 - 00;14;37;20
Christina
Up. Yes, we are here to pique your interest so that you will understand what to watch for.

00;14;37;23 - 00;14;38;04
Meghan
MM.

00;14;38;08 - 00;15;05;23
Christina
So a couple of other forms of control are gaslighting. We're going to give a few, but gaslighting is this thing that it's a whole thing and it's very I won't say complex. So gaslighting is the term comes from a movie years ago and I believe it the movie is called gaslighting where a has been over a period of time keeps turning the lights down.

00;15;05;23 - 00;15;33;00
Christina
He's dimming the lights in the house and he keeps the wife keeps asking, how is it getting, you know, is it getting hard to see and hear? Are the lights getting dim? And he says, no, the lights aren't getting dim, when in reality he is turning down the lights to make her think she's going crazy. And that's what happens with gaslighting, is that slowly over an extended period of time, the person that you're dating makes you feel like you're going crazy.

00;15;33;00 - 00;15;35;20
Christina
So this is something that very early on.

00;15;36;01 - 00;15;55;21
Meghan
It doesn't have to be an extended period of time. It can be just in a conversation. Yeah, like, you know, it could just be in passing. It doesn't have to be over time even. But yeah, it makes you question whether or not you like your, like you said, it makes you think you're going crazy. Like, why am I wrong?

00;15;55;21 - 00;15;56;09
Christina
Yes.

00;15;56;19 - 00;16;29;06
Meghan
Yeah. So, yeah, that's a that's what gaslighting is, is and then other forms of control would be jealousy or insecurity, which could lead to lead to like a lot of the stuff that we just talked about, having to know your whereabouts all the time, texting and emailing nonstop. You know, that can come from a place of jealousy and insecurity and then you could or they could pull you away from your friends and family into a relationship with just them so that they have most of your attention is not all of your attention.

00;16;29;20 - 00;16;36;07
Meghan
And that's also, you know, probably coming from a place of jealousy and insecurity. And it's just another way to control you.

00;16;36;08 - 00;17;01;09
Christina
So I actually have seen this firsthand with a young woman who was an incredibly strong young woman. And you think that this type of thing would happen only with people who are weak? It absolutely does not. And people who are dangerous a lot of times who are up to no good, basically, they break someone down who is strong.

00;17;01;15 - 00;17;21;26
Christina
So do you not think if you're listening to this, oh, this is only for people who don't have a lot of confidence and that type of stuff. I watched someone break a young woman down and it was done over the phone long distance. So, oh my God, if you are listening, nobody is safe. You're not you're not immune to this.

00;17;21;26 - 00;17;44;20
Christina
So and even over the phone, they can be controlling the situation. So this is why we want to say early on, watch, do your research, understand what a red flag looks like because you may only have a first few days before you're so entangled in the situation that you have to figure out how to get out. Yes, yes.

00;17;44;20 - 00;17;44;29
Christina
Yeah.

00;17;45;11 - 00;18;03;21
Meghan
Well, and, you know, if you say you're a widow or a widower and you're in a relationship with one person for a long time and you are reentering the world, it's different now. And maybe you're rusty and you don't. It's just probably going to be a lot different from how it was when you were dating before. True. Very true.

00;18;03;24 - 00;18;28;11
Meghan
So anyway, so we talked about love bombing as a form of control and a couple other forms of control, gaslighting, jealousy, insecurity. Now I want to talk about crossing boundaries. So love bombing can be a step in, a step into crossing over a line that you draw. So we have a quote from Dr. Henry Cloud, and he wrote a book on boundaries.

00;18;28;21 - 00;18;55;23
Meghan
And this is an abbreviated version, but it goes. Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins leading me to a sense of ownership. We must own our own thoughts and clarify distorted thinking. That last line, I think, is super important, and that kind of goes back to love bombing and making you and gaslighting and making you question yourself.

00;18;55;23 - 00;19;00;20
Meghan
And we must own our own thoughts and clarify distorted thinking.

00;19;00;27 - 00;19;21;27
Christina
So one thing that happens sometimes in the beginning of a relationship that you can watch, that's a red flag and boundaries, is that maybe you set a boundary. You said, this is what I want. And that person pushes beyond and makes you uncomfortable and overwhelms you and they cross that boundary. So you've said, Yeah, please don't do this.

00;19;22;26 - 00;19;42;27
Christina
This is not comfortable for me. And they push past that. It can be something small. It can be something very small on a very on the first date. Those are the things that you're watching for. We're not talking about later on big boundaries. It could be something small ass having dinner and you are both going to pay your own way.

00;19;42;27 - 00;19;53;09
Christina
And that person insists that they pay for dinner. That's going to throw things off and it's overwhelming. That right there is a very first boundary violation.

00;19;53;27 - 00;20;14;15
Meghan
And that's I mean, so that one's a little bit that one can be a gray area to that specific example because, you know, some may call it chivalry or being nice, you know. So what the the problem is when you set, you're both going to pay your own way, right? And they say, no, let me let me take care of it.

00;20;14;18 - 00;20;14;27
Meghan
I want to.

00;20;14;27 - 00;20;15;08
Christina
Pay.

00;20;16;01 - 00;20;26;11
Meghan
And if in that moment you're like, no, I really insist, I would feel more comfortable paying for my own at that point. If they keep pushing. That's them crossing the boundary.

00;20;26;12 - 00;20;27;13
Christina
Yes. That is a.

00;20;27;13 - 00;20;54;07
Meghan
Very you know, they don't have to be mind readers. And then also setting a boundary doesn't have to be this like stance that you take. You know, it could be as simple as like, I don't like it when people call me Meg. Please call me Meghan. You know, like and if they continue to call me Meg, then I'm like, okay, well, you're not respecting me because you're not respecting what I want.

00;20;55;10 - 00;20;55;18
Christina
Right.

00;20;55;27 - 00;21;19;15
Meghan
So that's an example of a small boundary, you know, so pressuring you to do things that you don't want or or doing something that you don't want to do or don't like after you've already said that is a form of disrespect, they don't respect you. They don't value what your your your emotions or what you want. And they don't respect your boundaries.

00;21;20;01 - 00;21;46;21
Meghan
So you can watch out for behaviors like codependency. We touched on this a little bit. It can alienate you from your friends and friends and family. So like you and that person in being kind of a unit as opposed to having your own hobbies and activities, it's like doing everything as one unit. So you can watch out for that and then watch out for manipulation.

00;21;46;21 - 00;22;13;18
Meghan
So manipulate like manipulate the manipulating you into doing something that you don't want to do, you know, because they push and push and push and wear you down. And then another behavior to watch out for is them taking advantage of you, your kindness, your time, of your money, you know? Yeah. I went out on a date. This was between.

00;22;13;29 - 00;22;38;07
Meghan
This was before I met Jason. So I went out on a date with. I was dating a lot at this phase of my life, and I went out with this guy who was a bodybuilder. He was huge, like just a very big man. Very tall, super muscular. Went out with him. He chose the restaurant and it was like a restaurant.

00;22;38;07 - 00;22;39;13
Meghan
You know, I never go.

00;22;39;13 - 00;22;40;23
Christina
That far, and that's great.

00;22;41;01 - 00;23;10;00
Meghan
Oh, really? Yeah, it was one of those, like a Hooters or something. Okay. He chose. He chose it. And so we went. This was I think this might have been the first date. This was like we were chatting and when we met, I remember there was no more dates after this one. And I don't remember. So anyway, he ordered, you know, you go to a restaurant and you you might get an appetizer and then you get your your entrees and then you, like, might get a dessert, some drinks, right.

00;23;10;06 - 00;23;41;23
Meghan
You know, that's like how it would go. Well, this guy ordered, like, two entrees, three appetizers, a a nonalcoholic drink, two alcoholic drinks, and I'm over here with just my entree. Right. And he wanted to split the bill, and I was like, No, okay. You know, I'll be I'll be paying for I'll I'll I'll pay for mine. Wow, this is silly.

00;23;41;23 - 00;24;12;05
Meghan
This is ridiculous. So I didn't go out with him again because I think he expected to because he was kind of being like a little weaselly about like, you know, and I was just picking up on some bad vibes. So I did not go out with him again anyway. So that was kind of an example, a very small example of somebody who could take advantage of you, you know, because what if I what if I would have been like, okay, well, then that guy just got, like, so much food.

00;24;12;07 - 00;24;13;15
Christina
Yeah, that's true.

00;24;13;21 - 00;24;38;19
Meghan
For free. You know, this is very silly, though, as a side note. So Billy and I dated before I met Jason to just briefly. Our first date was at a Starbucks, but then we sat and we were chatting for so long that we got hungry and the only restaurant nearby was a restaurant. So our first date was actually also at a restaurant.

00;24;38;19 - 00;24;41;24
Christina
And that's a funny that is a funny.

00;24;43;10 - 00;24;44;13
Christina
You have a history there.

00;24;45;14 - 00;24;52;23
Meghan
A Yeah, I, I guess because I worked out with Billy. Yeah. There you go. Good luck to him, I guess, like, I don't know.

00;24;54;17 - 00;25;24;21
Christina
So next we're going to talk. We're going to give you some more language and that is the idea of trauma jumping. And so what can happen in a relationship? We've talked about a rapid relationship. They love bomb. You and then you're entangled really quickly in this relationship. The next thing that happens can be trauma dumping. So trauma dumping is a really unhealthy behavior and it's long term, it's not venting someone to explain something.

00;25;24;21 - 00;25;54;01
Christina
So then teen is different because it involves somebody opening up about something that's bothering them and that's done with permission. You know, you might tell your friend, Oh, can I just do that? Can I just tell you something? Trauma dumping is done without permission and it is heavy. And this is somebody dump dumping all really, really hard things on you and it is done to keep you again off balance.

00;25;54;17 - 00;26;23;21
Christina
It crosses boundaries again. Going back to boundaries, there's no time protection. This is non stop it. It doesn't stop. So it's a little bit different. So an example would be somebody monopolizing a conversation to talk about their problems. They're looking for pity and this can be emotionally exhausting. So again, this is like there's patterns that happen here. The love bombing is pulling you in and then trauma dumping to keep you off balance.

00;26;24;20 - 00;26;50;18
Christina
This can include victimization where they're making themselves the victim. They want you to take pity on them. They're trying to get you to feel bad for them so that you comfort them in that situation. A bit of language that we would like you to also have in your toolbox is understanding what trauma bonding is. So trauma bonding is a tactic used where that the person is.

00;26;50;18 - 00;27;11;23
Christina
Maybe they're dumping their trauma on you or they do something unkind to you. And then they come back to the love bombing phase and it's cycled and it's intermittent. And what happens is you get a head of dopamine because you don't know. It's kind of like pulling a slot machine that you don't know if this person's going to be kind to you or if they're going to do something unkind to you.

00;27;12;10 - 00;27;27;19
Christina
And so it creates a bond. Just like if you go on Facebook or social media, you don't know if there's going to be good posts or and you're going to get that hit a dopamine. Or if it's going to be a dud. But we keep going back and that's what happens with trauma bonding.

00;27;28;03 - 00;27;31;28
Meghan
Hmm. And you can find several resources for.

00;27;31;28 - 00;27;32;05
Christina
Yes.

00;27;32;07 - 00;27;47;18
Meghan
The things that we're talking about here in the show notes, like I said, and start there and Google it and look it up. But we have linked everything that we you know, not everything, but we have linked several articles in the show notes, if you want to just check those out.

00;27;48;01 - 00;27;57;05
Christina
Yes. A lot of the red flags that we're talking about can be early detection signs for bigger forms of abuse to come.

00;27;57;17 - 00;28;06;17
Meghan
Mm. Yeah. So that's why you want to pay attention to these things happening at the beginning. Yes. It's like this in the beginning. What's it going to be like in five years?

00;28;06;17 - 00;28;08;18
Christina
Yes, yes, exactly.

00;28;08;26 - 00;28;31;22
Meghan
So we've given you we've talked about love bombing. We've talked about crossing boundaries and we've talked about trauma and trauma bonding. So now let's talk about behaviors you can watch out for. So like when you're this is just while you're dating, you know, are they grandiose? Are they are they being like a douche, you know.

00;28;31;22 - 00;28;32;06
Christina
Like.

00;28;32;12 - 00;29;20;11
Meghan
You know, are they acting entitled? Here's here's us as my favorite. How are they treating the waitstaff or the barista or whoever is serving as a valet or a receptionist? If you're at work, how do they talk to that person? It is such a good judge of character. I remember when I was in college, the CEO of some company came to talk to us and he was this was this was a class I don't remember the reason he was there, but he came to talk to our class and he talked about how he would when he was interviewing candidates for positions at his company, it was like a hotel or something.

00;29;20;22 - 00;29;37;13
Meghan
He would ask the valet how that person treated him before extending an offer to the candidate because it's such a good judge of character. How are you treating the people that are, you know, serving you or attending to you or whatever?

00;29;37;13 - 00;30;06;15
Christina
You know, definitely. And that can be for somebody who's a really like overt that you're seeing this over. But at the same time, they'll always let that be the best judge of character. I have seen people who very publicly display that. Yeah. And then in private they are not kind. And so I've seen that on multiple occasions. So we read that and we think or we see that in, we always believe that, oh, that person was nice to the waitress.

00;30;07;00 - 00;30;14;06
Christina
They were extra kind. And in reality it can be a hidden, they can be hiding who they really are.

00;30;14;07 - 00;30;43;05
Meghan
So I think it's a good judge for that's a great point. And I think it's a good judge for people like you said, like over behavior, like an overt asshole. I think it's a good it's a way to like well, it's it's a way to like, just thin out the hurt to weed those out, you know. But yeah, you're right, because they could be nice upfront and then terrible behind doors.

00;30;44;13 - 00;30;54;13
Meghan
But another another one that I like to to kind of use as a judge of character is how braggadocious are they.

00;30;55;04 - 00;30;55;28
Christina
Yeah.

00;30;55;28 - 00;30;58;17
Meghan
Or their successes.

00;30;58;17 - 00;31;00;02
Christina
Yeah, that's true.

00;31;00;08 - 00;31;08;21
Meghan
I so you know going back to my dating pre Jason, I dated a lot of duds.

00;31;08;29 - 00;31;10;23
Christina
Mm hmm.

00;31;10;23 - 00;31;26;06
Meghan
But I went out with this guy a few times because he was, in general pretty harmless and was kind of a jerk. He was so proud of that. He had a housekeeper. Like it came up way more.

00;31;27;18 - 00;31;27;24
Christina
Than.

00;31;29;07 - 00;31;57;26
Meghan
Then you would think, right? Like, I would think in a conversation, having a housekeeper might come up if it's like the day they're supposed to come. You know? That's true. And then that's kind of in right now. He was like, oh, my housekeeper moved my sperms again. Like, hmm, come on. What? No, just you need to relax. He would brag about having his own administrative assistant at work.

00;31;59;16 - 00;31;59;28
Christina
Like.

00;32;01;23 - 00;32;04;15
Meghan
I bet he'd be so mad that I don't remember his name.

00;32;05;01 - 00;32;05;14
Christina
Oh, yeah.

00;32;05;14 - 00;32;08;15
Christina
I would tell him. Oh, my gosh, that's hilarious.

00;32;08;15 - 00;32;17;11
Meghan
He was just so like, he was just so braggadocious about that stuff. And it's just like huge red flag. Huge red.

00;32;17;11 - 00;32;25;05
Christina
Flag. My friend Carlos one, one that he shared with me is watching how they talk about their ex.

00;32;25;14 - 00;32;26;19
Meghan
Mm hmm.

00;32;26;23 - 00;32;41;06
Christina
I think that is really important to to take note of is how, you know, because if you become the ex, that's going to be how they talk about you. And so it's a really, you know, thing to know.

00;32;41;06 - 00;32;47;20
Meghan
As the ex always a bad guy as the ex such an asshole but they did everything right. But their ex.

00;32;47;20 - 00;33;11;03
Christina
Oh, yes, yeah. Yes. And and I think that leads to another point is, is anything their fault? Are they taking any responsibility for that relationship? What is their part? Can they accept or is it just such a blow to their ego if there's anything that could possibly be their fault? So yeah, that's a good that's a good point.

00;33;11;03 - 00;33;24;24
Meghan
That's a good one. So what about when you're talking to them behaviors to watch out for? Are they talking nonstop, not listening to you? Are they just monopolizing the conversation? What kind of talked about that already? Oh, no, we totally.

00;33;24;24 - 00;33;34;18
Christina
Michael and I were out to dinner. I tell you this when we were out and we were at an Olive Garden having lunch. And the next day you.

00;33;34;18 - 00;33;38;14
Meghan
Got to get those breadsticks.

00;33;38;14 - 00;33;53;03
Christina
But I felt so sorry for this girl because it was clear she was on a first date and it was probably like a dating app. And the guy was just he would not shut up, like, I think, like now. And do you think.

00;33;53;03 - 00;33;57;18
Meghan
He was nervous or do you think he was like doing you know, he was you.

00;33;57;18 - 00;34;02;26
Christina
Know, I don't know what was happening, but it was just like I wanted to crawl under the table for her.

00;34;03;16 - 00;34;06;12
Christina
You. Oh.

00;34;06;26 - 00;34;11;26
Meghan
Oh, my goodness. I wonder how they're doing that.

00;34;11;26 - 00;34;32;08
Christina
Oh, yeah. She probably deleted the app after that date. Yeah, but yeah, I agree. Like, if that somebody is monopolizing the conversation, if they're not listening to you. So yeah, that can be. And something to watch for is are they actually are they talking at you or are you having a reciprocal conversation that's going on?

00;34;32;17 - 00;34;36;09
Meghan
Are you getting to talk? And when you talk, are they listening?

00;34;36;09 - 00;34;37;03
Christina
Yeah, active.

00;34;37;03 - 00;34;54;14
Meghan
Listening, distracted. Are they looking at their phone? Oh, it's such pet peeve. I hate that so much when somebody is like doing something else. When I'm talking to them, you know, I'm like, Excuse me, sir, I'll wait.

00;34;54;14 - 00;34;58;06
Christina
I got all the time in the world.

00;34;58;06 - 00;35;23;08
Christina
So I'm just going to jump in here and say that we forgot one of our points in the beginning. What? I forgot to make the point in the beginning and the love bombing phase are very important. Thing to be aware of is that people who don't have the best of intentions will do something called mirroring. And we've heard maybe a little of like a marrying concept where like somebody mirrors your body language.

00;35;23;19 - 00;35;46;24
Christina
That's not what we're talking about. Marrying is when you start dating someone and they may seem like the best person in the world. They like the same things you like and they're listening very intently to what you're saying and you know, as part of that love bombing thing. But their interest, they seem so much like you, they're mirroring you.

00;35;46;24 - 00;36;18;16
Christina
What you like is that you're seeing yourself because they're reflecting back who you are. And a lot of times this happens because the person doesn't actually have a personality. They don't even know who they are. So they become very good at mimicking or mirroring someone else. So this is something to watch for actually had an eye when we were talking about the dating episodes kind of had this happen were that somebody was like it was kind of scary where the person was like, Oh my gosh, I crochet too.

00;36;18;22 - 00;36;36;28
Christina
Oh my goodness, I drink out of a can, I drink chemex coffee. I make my coffee with the chemex and it was actually really creepy. And I don't I still don't know to this day if that was the case or not. But really watch for this. It's not even actually that they physically do the stuff they're watching you to see.

00;36;37;05 - 00;36;55;01
Christina
Oh, do I sit in? They take on your life. They very comfortably slip into your life. That's what mirroring is. So you're going to want to watch that for that in the love bombing phase. It's not actually you I mean, not actually them that you like. It's you.

00;36;55;01 - 00;37;26;27
Meghan
Interesting. So how can we spot insecurity and jealousy? We talked about this earlier in the episode, but how do you spot how do you just tell when somebody is insecure? You can ask, ask yourself these things. Do they need constant reassurance from you? Are they constantly seeking compliments and reassurance? Are they constantly seeking that from you? Are they obsessed with social media and posting and and when they post and looking at the comments.

00;37;26;27 - 00;37;27;04
Christina
And.

00;37;27;22 - 00;37;40;05
Meghan
And the like count and all of that, and then how do they react when you talk about other people, you care about who you spend your time with, your family, your friends, your exes.

00;37;40;11 - 00;37;41;28
Christina
That's how did they react.

00;37;42;06 - 00;37;44;11
Meghan
When you bring up those people?

00;37;44;15 - 00;37;45;06
Christina
Good point.

00;37;45;10 - 00;38;10;01
Meghan
And then what is their relationship like with other people? So this is another just behavior. Just ask, asking these are asking yourself these questions like paying attention to how how they are around other people. Are they really critical? Are they judging, you know, do they speak negatively about other people or themselves? I mean, that's another sign of insecurity, right?

00;38;10;15 - 00;38;39;00
Meghan
Are there we talked about this. Are there exes all all crazy like, you know, quote unquote, like my ex is so crazy. But are they all that way? Because, like, come on, what's the common denominator there? You know, very true. You know, how do they talk about their family, their friends? You can also look at how they talk about coworkers or, you know, people at work, like, what are they saying behind those closed doors, you know?

00;38;39;13 - 00;39;05;05
Meghan
And then it's like and maybe this is something that's kind of hard to determine at the beginning of a relationship, but knowing ahead of time that this could happen, might, might help. But if everybody, their friend and everybody talks about how great they are and how nice they are and they're just nice to everybody. Right. But then you see some of these signs behind closed doors.

00;39;05;05 - 00;39;36;08
Meghan
Or maybe you see glimpses of jealousy and insecurity and you're like, wait a minute. Or a controlling behavior. And you're like, Wait, but everybody everybody is friends with you. Everybody thinks you're so great. But I'm getting this other picture of you that's a huge red flag. If they're different when they're, you know, just one on one, then around a lot of people who, you know, because maybe they're just getting that like high of everybody liking them.

00;39;36;08 - 00;39;48;18
Meghan
Right. Are these really their friends? Are they you know, that's true. Maybe they're just out there like schmoozing and then behind closed doors, they're a different person.

00;39;48;18 - 00;40;18;28
Christina
In researching for this episode, I came across where physicians as well as counselors were seeing things like people come into my office and they sit down and they tell me everybody thinks this person is wonderful, and then the person will come in to an appointment and say, Nobody will believe me. Nobody is going to believe me that this person is abusive behind closed doors and and doing all of these types of things.

00;40;18;28 - 00;40;38;15
Christina
Nobody will believe me, because they're on the church board or they're part of the PTA. Everybody thinks they're wonderful. And that way. I thought that was really interesting that everybody in your community could think that they're a wonderful person and then they're actually not.

00;40;39;02 - 00;41;02;10
Meghan
And the thing is, there are wonderful people out there. You don't have to be on guard all the time. What what I was meaning by that is if they are different one on one, then they are out in public. Yes. Or people. That's what I meant. So it's not like you have to question everybody and everything all the time.

00;41;02;16 - 00;41;31;00
Meghan
It's like just be aware that look for those changes in the mood and the conversation. You know, I think I have a pretty, like, spectacular bullshit ometer. Bullshit ometer. Mm hmm. I don't know. I don't know how I developed it, but I can usually spot an asshole from a mile away. You know what I mean? Not like a real, but you know what I mean.

00;41;31;28 - 00;41;33;11
Meghan
I don't know. X-ray vision.

00;41;34;00 - 00;41;38;12
Christina
Oh, my gosh. That's funny.

00;41;38;12 - 00;41;51;16
Meghan
But I'm a I can, like, pick up on character people and it's I don't know why. I just, you know, people are born, people are blessed with gifts. And I don't have a lot of them.

00;41;51;27 - 00;41;56;19
Christina
But this is one of them. Well, gosh.

00;41;57;28 - 00;42;20;18
Meghan
So I'm just, you know, speaking from experience and and seeing things, seeing the way people act around other people, I think a lot of you know, at least my part of this conversation comes from me being an introvert. And so I'm super observant and I watch people, I pay attention because I'm not that boisterous person who's chatting everybody up.

00;42;20;18 - 00;42;27;00
Meghan
And the social butterfly I'm watching. And so I think it's coming from from that.

00;42;27;07 - 00;42;57;12
Christina
And a good point is just to step back and watch instead of rushing in. And again, I just want to reiterate, we're not just talking about relationships as in dating relationships. I have seen this happen in churches, in multilevel marketing, in different scenarios. And there are tactics that are used in different things and people get hurt. And I think that if you can like Megan saying stay back and just watch and observe, time is your friend.

00;42;57;23 - 00;43;24;20
Christina
Spend some time watching how people operate and watching their character. And I've been in situations where somebody was saying, hey, something's wrong here, something's wrong here. And somebody manipulated the situation and they make that other person kind of like an ax or something look bad. And then everybody turns on that person and sometimes that person, that one single person that saying, whoa, whoa, whoa, they're right.

00;43;24;26 - 00;43;48;22
Christina
So like Megan saying, step back, take some time, listen to what somebody's saying about, you know, their ex. Is there any truth like watch for those truths that they're saying is what is the history of this friend that you just met? Are other people like suddenly not in their lives anymore and they're talking bad about them? Look at those things.

00;43;48;29 - 00;43;54;12
Christina
And again, time in your gut. Oh, yes yes.

00;43;55;04 - 00;43;56;17
Meghan
Yep. Yes.

00;43;57;02 - 00;44;01;17
Christina
So we are not here to scare you out of dating. We are here to give you.

00;44;01;17 - 00;44;03;14
Meghan
Tools or applying for a job.

00;44;03;14 - 00;44;04;06
Christina
Oh, yeah.

00;44;04;06 - 00;44;08;08
Meghan
Or going or hiring a person or literally talking to anybody.

00;44;09;14 - 00;44;34;18
Christina
Yeah. We're not here to scare you. We just want you to have this tools, just like anything else in your toolbox, so that when you go out that you are safe. You have already been through enough. If you have been knocked down a few times. So you know, yeah, you don't need to go through this. So we just want to encourage you to have healthy relationships and go out and get and.

00;44;34;18 - 00;44;38;04
Meghan
Have a relationship, not a relationship. Shit.

00;44;38;04 - 00;44;40;10
Christina
There you go. You heard it here.

00;44;40;20 - 00;44;44;02
Meghan
Putting on a t shirt.

00;44;44;02 - 00;44;46;16
Christina
What was the other one you said something about?

00;44;46;16 - 00;44;48;03
Christina
I don't remember, but yeah.

00;44;48;13 - 00;44;49;13
Meghan
I don't remember.

00;44;50;22 - 00;45;09;03
Christina
Okay, friends. So if you have not heard, we have a brand new website ad that Megan made. If you haven't heard and you can apply to be a guest. So if you are somebody who life has knocked you down and you got back up and it's a really cool story, we would love to hear that. Did you create.

00;45;09;03 - 00;45;20;05
Meghan
Something that doesn't have to be lost? It can be got, you know, a limb amputated? Those are the two things you either somebody in your life died or you had an amputation.

00;45;20;06 - 00;45;37;25
Christina
Yeah, there you go. I love those stories. People just are so inspiring. I love that. That's what I want to see. I just I love seeing where it's like, oh, my goodness, I'm sorry. I'm just going to like I there was a woman friends, you know, I talked about it, my hand. I don't know how much longer my hands are going to hold up.

00;45;37;25 - 00;45;59;14
Christina
And I crochet and I'm making these baby blankets. And in hopes that like someday when my my children have kids, that my hand will hold up and oh, my goodness, there was somebody on Instagram. She has one arm and one leg. She crochet is the most beautiful stuff right there that made me realize like, what the heck I got to hand?

00;45;59;14 - 00;46;16;20
Christina
Like, what am I worried about? Like I could crochet with my feet if I needed to. These are the stories that I want to hear. Those inspire me. And so if you know somebody that if you are somebody like that, go to the link in our web. It's a nice big link to be our guest.

00;46;16;23 - 00;46;40;23
Meghan
Yes. Any insurmountable thing or seemingly insurmountable task? We want to hear like lots of stories. I'd love it anyway. Okay, friends. Well, the time has come. So whether your cup is empty, half full or overflowing, raise it up. Here's to getting back up. Cheers. Thank you so much for being here with us. Please subscribe to our podcast. If you found it helpful.

00;46;40;29 - 00;46;52;20
Meghan
And you can also find us on social media, on Instagram, at Cup Club podcast. And if you search Full Club Club podcast on Facebook again, thanks, friends, and we'll see you next time.