Full Cup Club Podcast - Getting Back Up After Getting Knocked Down With Grief

26 - Mixing Dating and Grief Part 4: Safety in Dating After Loss

July 19, 2022 Full Cup Club Episode 26
Full Cup Club Podcast - Getting Back Up After Getting Knocked Down With Grief
26 - Mixing Dating and Grief Part 4: Safety in Dating After Loss
Show Notes Transcript

Christina and Meghan share safety tips if you're jumping back into the dating pool (or field, as Meghan called it). Maybe you haven't been out there in a while, dating is a lot different now! As a fun bonus, Meghan shares one of her cringiest dating experiences. Laugh, cry, and listen with us as we navigate this new experience together.

If you find this podcast helpful, please subscribe and leave us a review! Having reviews is the best way for people to find this podcast. New episodes are available every Wednesday. Thanks for being here! You can also support the show by buying us a coffee :)

Support the show

If you find this podcast helpful, please subscribe and leave us a review! Having reviews is the best way for people to find this podcast. New episodes are available every Wednesday. Thanks for being here! You can also support the show by buying us a coffee :)

Find us on our website, Facebook, and Instagram too!

00;00;00;05 - 00;00;27;21
Meghan
Okay. Here's something I'm afraid of, and it is electrical things. I get so nervous when I have to replace something that uses electricity. I don't have a good reason for it, and I'm a little embarrassed to say that the light switch, the actual switch, not the bulb, but the switch in my pantry has been out, has been broken for like over a month.

00;00;28;15 - 00;00;57;19
Meghan
So I've just had I have a walk in pantry and it's just been dark. We've had to use a flashlight to see what's in the pantry for over a month because of my fear of replacing the light switch. The thing is, the balance is I knew I could do it logically. I have done electrical things before I replaced all of my outdoor light fixtures and that was electricity.

00;00;57;19 - 00;01;15;10
Meghan
I mean, it had wires like I had to put the little caps on the wires. And all you do, all you have to do is turn off the electricity to the area before you start messing with it. It's like still this, like, crazy fear. I have that after I fix something, something's going to go wrong. I turn the electricity back on and like, my house explodes or something.

00;01;15;13 - 00;01;15;26
Meghan
You know what I.

00;01;15;26 - 00;01;25;04
Christina
Mean is silly. For the rest of us, we're just all over the fact that you would even begin to, you know, dove into electricity, period.

00;01;25;08 - 00;01;44;11
Meghan
So my pantry light switch, it's a smart switch. And Jason actually installed it because all the kids would leave the pantry light on. And so he installed a smart switch that was on like a timer. So it would turn off after like 30 seconds or whatever. Okay, we're just going to swap it out 1 to 1. I'll just get another smart switch and replace it that way.

00;01;44;11 - 00;02;02;29
Meghan
That way. It's easy. Still, I ordered the switch. It has been over a month that this pantry light has been out and I've just been like, okay, I'm gonna do it. And then I would chicken out. So Billy came over and he was like, Okay, I'll come over. I'll be there. That way if anything happens, you've got another adult there that's got to, you know, ease some of the anxiety.

00;02;03;00 - 00;02;25;09
Meghan
Not only did he help ease my anxiety, just knowing that, like, if I electrocuted myself or started a fire or something, he was there to, like, help, but also so I turned off the electricity. I have a tester like that test for electricity. We tested it, no electricity. But then he was the first one to touch the wires, which.

00;02;25;09 - 00;02;26;22
Christina
So he's the canary.

00;02;27;00 - 00;02;44;28
Meghan
It's so silly because I knew there was no electricity there. Logically, I knew that. But still I just have this, like, crazy, irrational fear of it. I don't know why, but anyway, replace the light switch. I replaced another one that had been out too. And I'm going to say I have had trouble with these smart lights, which is this particular brand.

00;02;45;11 - 00;02;56;05
Meghan
I have had like four or five of them short out or just like stop working. It's the G Smart Switch brand. And so I replace them with Casa de.

00;02;56;12 - 00;02;58;16
Christina
Last messages from yeah.

00;02;58;20 - 00;03;22;23
Meghan
Yeah, from Amazon. So I'm hoping that these will do better. But anyway, that was my story of this weekend. I was telling Billy, I was like, the best case scenario is that I will feel silly for having waited so long to replace them because it was so easy. And that is exactly what happened. Hi, I'm Megan and I.

00;03;22;23 - 00;03;26;03
Christina
Am Christina and this is a full Cup Club podcast.

00;03;26;18 - 00;03;35;25
Meghan
We're here to talk through the good, the bad and the ugly of loss. Whether that's losing a loved one, a job, a dream, or even your marbles.

00;03;36;17 - 00;04;00;26
Christina
So whether your cup has coffee, tea or vodka in it. Welcome to the Full Cup Club. On today's episode, we are continuing our conversation about mixing grief and dating. Specifically. Today, we're going to talk about safety and dating after loss. So we're going to cover a lot of things that are probably just normal things for dating today. But we're adding the thing of dating after you've lost your person.

00;04;01;10 - 00;04;23;08
Christina
Yeah. And for those of you who are joining us for the first time, we want to say welcome. We know that dating after grief is something that people often search, they Google it. And so you may be finding us for the first time, if that is you. We, you know, welcome. We would encourage you to go back to episode one and you'll find out how Megan and I met.

00;04;23;08 - 00;04;48;17
Christina
You'll hear Megan's story about her and her husband, Jason. And then you will hear in episode three the story of I'm Christina, hello. And my husband, Michael. So before we get started, every week we ask this one thing. And so, yes, here we go. Megan, what is in your cup today? Your physical cup? And then can you tell us what is metaphorically filling your cup this week?

00;04;48;17 - 00;04;51;13
Christina
What has been bringing you life and joy and all those things?

00;04;51;21 - 00;05;15;23
Meghan
Yeah. So in my, in my literal cup I have a fizzy water today. It's my favorite. I love it. I love a fizzy water on a hot day and every day is hot from March to October here. So I have a it is San Pellegrino and it is dark Morello, cherry and pomegranate flavored. It's one of my faves from this brand.

00;05;15;23 - 00;05;43;19
Meghan
I super like it and that's what I'm drinking today. My metaphorically what's filling my cup is the confidence that I now have with replacing light switches. Now I have two more and what I think I'm going to do is I have some dumb light switches, like some that are just regular. I'm going to see like could I upgrade a standard light switch to a smart switch?

00;05;44;01 - 00;05;59;18
Meghan
Now there's it's tricky because there's like smart switches require an extra wire. So I'm not I don't know how to do all that, but I'm like, wow, but could I do it? I don't know. I don't know. We'll see. I will report back in six months when I finally get the courage to do it.

00;05;59;18 - 00;06;12;21
Christina
I'm over here thinking, Can I bake a loaf of bread from scratch? And Megan's like, Can I rewire a hot urn to a different level? You Well, tell me.

00;06;12;21 - 00;06;17;18
Meghan
Tell me today what you're drinking, what's in your cup, and then what is metaphorically filling your cup.

00;06;17;27 - 00;06;34;20
Christina
Okay, so I'm branching out because we all know that I have static water issues, but they are growing on me fronts, they're growing on me. So today I'm trying this for the first time. This is a Trader Joe's. It's sparkling lemonade. So it is.

00;06;34;20 - 00;06;35;12
Meghan
Sparkling.

00;06;35;23 - 00;06;40;04
Christina
But it does have sugar and stuff. So I'm going to take my first drink. I'll let you know. Okay.

00;06;40;06 - 00;06;41;04
Meghan
Oh, it's good, right?

00;06;41;05 - 00;06;47;15
Christina
That is amazing because I love anything with sugar, but wow, my mouth is happy.

00;06;47;20 - 00;07;09;21
Meghan
I used to work at a place where we got free drinks and we discovered that if you mix lemonade, it was a place with they didn't have Sprite or 7UP, they had Sierra Mist was like the clear soda. If you mix lemonade with Sierra mist so good. And we used to call it lemon mist. Oh, so you are drinking a lemon mist.

00;07;09;21 - 00;07;23;02
Christina
That is. That is. Oh, man, that is so tasty. And in this moment, as you take a drink, I realized something funny. I don't know if anybody else does this, but lemonade makes me have to pee constantly, so. Wow. Wow.

00;07;23;03 - 00;07;27;01
Meghan
Okay, cool thing about humans drinking liquids makes everybody happy.

00;07;27;02 - 00;07;49;05
Christina
No, this is like. And, like, this is beyond, like, I have to, like, run to the restroom every 5 minutes. So, yeah, that's just more information than we wanted to know about it. So weird they are are there are so many weird things about us, but that is my one weird thing. So if you're listening and lemonade to make you run, go potty all the time.

00;07;49;05 - 00;08;07;20
Christina
There you go. You are not alone. What is filling my cup right now? I know this is silly, but it really is one of those things and I think you will get this is like something you've talked about this with belly, like taking the weight off of your shoulders so that you can play by the pool. And he is on to a little bit different.

00;08;07;27 - 00;08;30;02
Christina
But my BS that arrived on my birthday in my backyard they are now officially has found my greenhouse and their pollinating for me and I feel like they have taken that weight off of me and I just keep looking at her and making sure they're still there and that is bring it that they took. They took a sure off my thing of going out and pollinating all of my stuff.

00;08;30;02 - 00;08;33;22
Christina
So that is bringing it silly, but it's bringing me life right now and I'm claiming.

00;08;33;27 - 00;08;39;28
Meghan
I love that for you. I would be nervous to go in the greenhouse. Are you nervous to get stung? No.

00;08;40;27 - 00;09;00;14
Christina
No, I know I didn't. I have had the experience where I've gotten stung and that was a lesson learned. Don't be dumb where I feel apiary, which is like the full chute and I have a half chute so that I can just throw it on with some jeans and run out there. Friends, they will sting you through your jeans and it is not pleasant.

00;09;00;26 - 00;09;20;03
Christina
I was in somebody else's yards. I couldn't, like work my pants off and I'm like screaming, Shauna's with me and I'm just getting eaten alive. Of course, like, Shawn is like it's like a runaway. Runaway, and I'm just getting nailed. So, yeah, I don't recommend that, but I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid because usually if you don't piss them off, they're not going to bother you.

00;09;20;03 - 00;09;26;26
Meghan
So there's. Right. Yeah. I've never been stung by a bee. I've been stung by a wasp, but not a bee. I wonder how different it is.

00;09;26;26 - 00;09;45;04
Christina
I was stung by a bee for the first time in my life at my brother's funeral. That was crazy. I was pregnant with my son. We were a good 30 minutes from a hospital out in the middle of the country and I got so on the arm and in my family, many of my family members are allergic. So I'm standing there going like.

00;09;45;04 - 00;09;45;24
Meghan
Oh, now.

00;09;45;24 - 00;10;09;09
Christina
Am I going to die at this funeral? Like you just going to stand there? And, and so yeah, that was fun. But yeah, I'm not allergic and I do, you know, this is random. People are like, I came on here for dating advice and they're talking about bees. But here is a bonus. Did you know that if a bee stings you like on one of your joints, like where you have arthritis, the arthritis goes away.

00;10;09;10 - 00;10;12;22
Meghan
Oh, my gosh. What? Yes, how do I get a bee to look it up?

00;10;12;22 - 00;10;36;27
Christina
But I know exactly. I'm sorry that I never shared this with you, but yeah, there are people that, like, they put him in a little tube and they put it right on the joint. And I don't know exactly how it was discovered, but I remember watching a show where a woman was stung by bees and like a massive they like a swarm of bees attacked her and it helped like she doesn't have like the joint pain and stuff like that anymore.

00;10;36;27 - 00;10;56;14
Christina
Like it was like a documented thing. So it is something that now people put them in like a little tube and then they sing. And some people really struggle with that because if you're a beekeeper, that's hard because a bee dies after it stings you. Right. And that for somebody like me who has a lot of joint pain, I'm like, Sting me now.

00;10;56;14 - 00;11;03;24
Christina
Please sign me up. Yeah. Thank you for sacrificing the ultimate sacrifice so that I don't hurt. So there you go.

00;11;03;24 - 00;11;05;18
Meghan
That's interesting. I've never heard that before.

00;11;05;21 - 00;11;17;22
Christina
Okay, so let's jump right into this. Meghan, will you tell us, like, just for fun is what what was your worst dating experience like? Was that online? Was it like.

00;11;17;22 - 00;11;18;05
Meghan
Tell.

00;11;18;05 - 00;11;21;11
Christina
Us all the things. Get a laugh at this point in the day.

00;11;22;28 - 00;11;49;15
Meghan
Oh, my goodness. So I went I met Jason online. So I have done the whole online dating thing. It's awful. I zero out of five stars do not recommend you know I got lucky but ultimately not my favorite. Definitely knew I didn't want to do that after he died when I was ready to start dating again. But man, what was my worst experience?

00;11;49;29 - 00;11;55;07
Meghan
Oh my gosh. I have the worst date experience I just remembered.

00;11;55;27 - 00;11;56;28
Christina
Tell us more about it.

00;11;56;29 - 00;12;28;25
Meghan
A guy I dated a guy. And it's funny because this wasn't online. It was through a friend. It was like a friend's friend. Set me up with this guy who had tattoos on his inner thighs. One side was an angel, the other side was a devil. And he told me on the date that we had, I get to have a threesome every night.

00;12;28;25 - 00;12;30;23
Christina
Oh, my rose.

00;12;31;01 - 00;12;39;03
Meghan
I don't remember his name. I only remember the nickname that my friends and I came up with for him. But I don't remember his that guy's name.

00;12;39;13 - 00;12;41;03
Christina
Well, it was it was soulless.

00;12;41;21 - 00;12;42;27
Meghan
It's not appropriate.

00;12;42;28 - 00;12;44;11
Christina
Oh, okay. Okay.

00;12;45;07 - 00;12;45;22
Meghan
We'll have to.

00;12;45;27 - 00;12;48;26
Christina
Explore this at rating as we say. Oh, my goodness.

00;12;49;21 - 00;12;59;21
Meghan
But yeah, that was absolutely the worst experience. I was like, this is the type of person that's left this. Oh, no.

00;13;00;24 - 00;13;01;18
Christina
Oh, my gosh.

00;13;01;18 - 00;13;03;27
Meghan
Oh, no. Yeah, it was the.

00;13;04;03 - 00;13;23;02
Christina
Okay, I'm going to tell my story. I didn't think I would because it's embarrassing. Yeah, but I think it's real. I think it's super real because I had not done I mean, I hadn't dated in years. Like, I don't even like it was 1990 something when I dated. And I have always been fascinated with Myers-Briggs and personality types.

00;13;23;02 - 00;13;41;21
Christina
And about the time, well was a year or two after Michael died, they came out with an app that was like you could pair with somebody who had the correct personality type for you. So it's my Myers-Briggs. I am an NFP, so there's a couple of personality types that are really compatible with that. So I thought, I'm super curious.

00;13;41;21 - 00;14;02;05
Christina
I wasn't serious about dating, but I'm going to jump on here and see it. So it like paired me with a couple of people. I connected with this one guy, we started talking and eventually, because I'm super naive, like I did a whole lot of things wrong, but eventually we were like texting and stuff, which means he had my number.

00;14;02;05 - 00;14;26;28
Christina
We will talk about this stuff a little bit, but not a good idea, folks. There was one day that he called out of the blue and I have an Apple Watch. And so if you're listening to this, you're going to understand this story. I had my Apple Watch on. I had just jumped out of the shower. I am drying off and you can answer your phone from your Apple Watch.

00;14;27;09 - 00;15;00;07
Christina
And I answered my phone for my Apple Watch. And what I didn't realize because I didn't look is it wasn't a phone call, friends. It was a face time, and I am drying off. Okay. Um, the fear when I heard was, you know, that sound, if you have an apple phone, that is this time being answered. And the fear like, oh, my gosh, like, where's my phone?

00;15;00;07 - 00;15;20;24
Christina
Is it facing my body? This was not somebody that I knew well and I like literally freaked out. Fortunately, my phone was laying face up somewhere so he couldn't see me, but yeah, that was that was the beginning of the end right there of any sort of online dating for.

00;15;21;01 - 00;15;23;24
Meghan
The blind phase time, the audacity.

00;15;23;24 - 00;15;24;20
Christina
Yes, yes.

00;15;25;02 - 00;15;27;01
Meghan
Just face time. Out of the blue. Out of the.

00;15;27;01 - 00;15;50;16
Christina
Blue. I had no idea that this was coming. It was just. And he thought it was hilarious, which really freaked me out. And like, that's not an easy story for me to tell, but that's real life. Those are the scary things that you like fumble your way through and there's dating after a loss when it's been years and I wasn't I wasn't like ready to date or anything.

00;15;50;16 - 00;15;54;00
Christina
I was more curious and like curiosity killed that cat.

00;15;54;00 - 00;15;59;03
Meghan
So I do you shower with your apple watch on.

00;15;59;04 - 00;16;01;02
Christina
No no it was after.

00;16;01;07 - 00;16;02;07
Meghan
You had just put it on.

00;16;02;07 - 00;16;08;11
Christina
Yeah I, it's one of the first things like I put on because man, I don't want to guess those steps. Those couple of steps.

00;16;09;24 - 00;16;32;05
Meghan
Yeah. That's, you know, the only time it's appropriate to like face time without discussing it ahead of time is, you know, when you're, you're in a long term know you're in a long term relationship are like my son face times me and he's not around like, you know, like that type of relationship. But like when you are just getting to know someone, no, you know, no.

00;16;32;05 - 00;16;34;16
Meghan
You plan to have a video chat.

00;16;34;22 - 00;16;47;10
Christina
That scared me so. So that I was so freaked out over that. And that app was promptly deleted and dangerous. But today we're going to talk about some of those things. Yes.

00;16;47;14 - 00;17;11;00
Meghan
Yeah, that's actually something that I recommend, at least before you meet somebody. If you've met them online to video chat before you meet up with him in person. So that way, one, you know, they're a real person. And to you know, that what they look like, you know what they actually look like in their everyday and you know, not in a curated picture, right?

00;17;11;16 - 00;17;19;01
Meghan
Yeah. It's something I recommend as far as safety goes, but yeah, definitely not blind. Definitely not when you're naked getting out of the shower.

00;17;19;01 - 00;17;27;21
Christina
It's not like he knew either. It just, like, scared me so bad. Yeah. He didn't know I was getting out of the shower. He didn't deliberately. Yeah, but yeah. That was for his.

00;17;27;21 - 00;17;30;00
Meghan
The audacity to chat.

00;17;30;04 - 00;17;45;18
Christina
Oh, yes, oh, yes. So let's jump. Let's jump right into our list of things. So, Megan, go ahead and share with us what is your first tip in safety and dating after loss or just dating in general?

00;17;45;19 - 00;18;06;19
Meghan
Just in general. So that video chatting kind of comes later. The first thing I recommend, if you're going out with somebody that you don't know, even if you do know them, but you haven't been out with them before, it's to tell people where you're going or turn on the location on your phone. So your your phone is tracking your location.

00;18;06;29 - 00;18;38;19
Meghan
Because what I did when I was dating, I would tell my coworkers, you know, if I had a date like after work, I'd be like, okay, I'm headed to this bar just so you know, like just in case I don't show up to work the next day. So I right. Like it could happen. So I would share where I was going, the person's name that I was meeting and then I would also tell my close, my best friend, like my inner, inner circle.

00;18;38;19 - 00;18;48;07
Meghan
I would tell them that info too. And then I would also tell them when I expected to be home. So and I would text them when I got home, just, you know, to make sure it was all good.

00;18;48;13 - 00;19;11;01
Christina
For those of you who are listening. And they're like, you're saying, what? Our location service is. So if you have an Apple phone, I'm not sure with some other ones. Google, ask your grandchildren and ask your kids. Your kids are not going to know why you're asking, but what you can do is you go to your messages. So for example, my daughter, I can go to my messages, open it like I'm going to send her a text message.

00;19;11;01 - 00;19;30;10
Christina
And at the top there's usually her picture, her name tap on that. It's going to come up with all kinds of cool stuff and there is a prompt on there that's a share my location. So you can share your location with someone and they literally in real time can see, Oh, I can look. Oh, they're at the nail salon right now.

00;19;30;10 - 00;19;48;20
Christina
Oh they're at home. Yeah. You can see where the person is and they can choose to share their location with you and you can do it till the end of the day. So it would only be until like midnight and then it will shut off. Or you can indefinite only choose to share your location with someone. Right. And I think that is a really good thing to do.

00;19;48;20 - 00;20;08;22
Christina
Choose the person and let them know like, hey, you know, a coworker like Megan Shane or you know, you're a really close friend. One of the things is like maybe you don't want to share it with every one of your friends that you are choosing to go out on a date. That can be really scary. Even you're still maybe worried people are going to judge you because you're dating after a loss.

00;20;09;08 - 00;20;34;08
Christina
You know, just share it with a friend. Also, another tip that I've heard is taking the person's license plate down. You know, take a picture. I had done that before when getting into a cab is taking a picture of the cab and the license plate and sending it to someone so they know. So that is another random safety tip, not that you're getting in the car with them, but just a little bit more information.

00;20;34;11 - 00;20;49;03
Meghan
Yeah, well, that's another safety tip is to, you know, after you've met, after you've decided to go out on a date, meet somewhere public with lots of people and drive separately or yes, Lyft separately so that you're not relying on them for transportation.

00;20;49;04 - 00;21;05;12
Christina
Very important. Yeah. That you are being proactive in a dating situation, meet up situation of any kind. It could even be somebody who you're meeting for business to let someone know because you never know what is their intention.

00;21;05;16 - 00;21;24;07
Meghan
And you're right, it could be awkward because you don't want to be judged for dating after loss. But I encourage you to find one friend, one person, somebody to share where you're going and who you're meeting, you know, because that's I mean, that could keep you safe.

00;21;24;07 - 00;21;32;05
Christina
Yes. It could be your counselor, too. That is an option if you're really not comfortable telling someone and you have a counselor.

00;21;32;05 - 00;21;41;18
Meghan
I disagree. I think that if you're not comfortable telling one person, then you shouldn't be going out on a date yet. If you can't tell your best friend or you're not.

00;21;41;19 - 00;21;42;14
Christina
True a.

00;21;42;14 - 00;21;46;27
Meghan
Child or your sibling, then it's not time for you to be dating.

00;21;46;28 - 00;21;49;29
Christina
That's true. That's a good point. Yeah, excellent point.

00;21;50;00 - 00;22;18;29
Meghan
If we if we rewind a little bit before like actually meeting the person, I suggest using an alternate phone number. So like get a Google voice number or something so that your actual phone number isn't being shared, you know, so when you get to the point where you are talking via text so you don't get a random face time like, like Christina got, if you use a, like a masked phone number, then your personal number isn't out there.

00;22;18;29 - 00;22;27;05
Christina
So can you explain to us what would be the best place should we go to YouTube and learn how to do that? Where would we learn how to get a mask number?

00;22;27;09 - 00;22;47;02
Meghan
Yeah, if you just if you just Google like if you just search Google Voice, it'll come up and it's so easy to set up, it'll assign you a number and it'll kind of walk you through it. And it's based on well, different ones are based on your actual phone number. So I have like a different one that I actually use for my business.

00;22;47;02 - 00;23;17;27
Meghan
And I have there's a whole app, it's called GoDaddy Smart Line and it's like a whole phone number that I access via an app on my phone. So that's not you know, I don't use it for dating, but you could yeah, I suggest, you know, using a different phone number if you are dating online and you're sharing pictures like on Tinder or whatever dating app, use pictures that are not on your social media anywhere because it's very easy to do a reverse image search.

00;23;18;05 - 00;23;26;04
Meghan
So if you don't want people to find your social media, if you want to kind of lock that down, use pictures that aren't on those sites, use different ones.

00;23;26;04 - 00;23;51;26
Christina
So for those of us, again, who are ancient over here, that is a maybe a totally new concept that you can use a picture to find someone. So really safety and dating is making sure that you're not giving your last name, that you're not giving out details to help somebody find you. Right. And on the flip side of that, you can use that to your advantage so that you know that you can reverse image search someone on social media.

00;23;51;26 - 00;23;57;20
Christina
So again, for those of us who are not familiar, because I've never done a reverse image search, how would you do that?

00;23;57;20 - 00;24;23;10
Meghan
Megan So if you go to images Google.com, it's an image search, so you can search by image. And so there's a little camera icon where you can copy and paste the, the URL from the picture or you can upload the picture and then you just search by image and it'll show everywhere that image is.

00;24;23;17 - 00;24;26;11
Christina
Okay, that is really good information to know. Yeah.

00;24;26;18 - 00;24;42;29
Meghan
Images dot google.com. So yeah, you can use that to your advantage for sure. And then also, you know, just to keep yourself safe, use brand new images that you've never used before on social media. I mean, on a dating apps, if you're going to use a dating.

00;24;42;29 - 00;25;08;12
Christina
App, just kind of reverse. We're not going to do that to keep ourselves safe, but we're going to take advantage that somebody else might not know that information out there. And what you're going to find is, oh, is this a real person? I have seen cases where this has happened to someone. I know that they were doing the online dating thing and they did the reverse image search and they're like, Oh, is this their sister that they're in the picture with?

00;25;08;26 - 00;25;19;23
Christina
And it turned out to be the girlfriend. So and then long. Yeah, a longer story. It was not even a real person they were talking to. They had stolen.

00;25;19;23 - 00;25;20;15
Meghan
The image.

00;25;20;24 - 00;25;23;12
Christina
Offline and somebody else's.

00;25;23;12 - 00;25;25;02
Meghan
Says Jerry.

00;25;25;02 - 00;25;53;21
Christina
Yes, and spent quite a bit of time talking to this person. And so, yeah, sometimes the people will spend weeks talking to someone and then realize it's not a real person. So right. That is a way that you can use that to your advantage to keep yourself safe. Yeah. And I was told as a side note on that is that if someone if you're talking to someone online and they're just weeks and weeks of talking to you and they're not, I don't know how they put it.

00;25;53;21 - 00;26;09;09
Christina
Taking it to the next level like, Hey, would you like to go do something? Would you like to grab coffee? Sometimes that can be a red flag, that this person is not real. They are just stringing you along and talking to you. So it's not the actual person in the picture. And that's how this person figure it out.

00;26;09;09 - 00;26;18;01
Christina
Wait a second. And it was hours and hours of chatting over several weeks. So that's just another safety.

00;26;18;01 - 00;26;42;01
Meghan
Tip while in on the subject of like fake profiles. And and you know, it not being the person or it not being a real person, if there's only one picture on the profile or if the words are like not coherent sentences, that could be an indicator that it might not be the person you're that you think you're talking to.

00;26;42;06 - 00;26;59;22
Meghan
You have to be really careful and really cognizant of those things. And it's scary and I hate it. That's why I didn't want to do online dating because I just don't envy anyone that has to, you know, go through all that and just be so cautious and careful all the time.

00;26;59;22 - 00;27;20;22
Christina
It is such a crazy thing of dating after launch because when you're younger, let's think about this. You're in high school, you're in college, you're still maybe living in your same community where you grew up. And, you know, all of the people and you feel comfortable and you have a lot more a lot of time to date people with common history or commonalities.

00;27;20;29 - 00;27;40;18
Christina
And so, you know, this person and you knew our family and you knew our friends. And maybe now you live in a large city. You're it's not your hometown. I'm not very many people know this person. So that can be very, very uncomfortable getting back out there and putting yourself out there.

00;27;40;18 - 00;28;04;29
Meghan
Well, I think you're right that it's uncomfortable putting yourself out there. And on that note, you have to, in addition to taking care of your safety, just as a person dating in 2022, you have to be careful about dating as a widow, in particular as a woman who has lost someone because you don't want to be taken advantage of because you're a widow.

00;28;04;29 - 00;28;35;00
Meghan
So my advice is to not share that. Yes, don't share the you're a widow. Not not on your profile, not immediately. You know, I think you I don't think you should keep it a secret forever, but, you know, definitely determine that the person you're talking talking to is real. Yes. You you bring that up. So if we can just, like, go over before you, you know, when you're in the process of dating, say you're dating online, don't give out too many personal details.

00;28;35;00 - 00;29;08;09
Meghan
You touched on that briefly, Christina. So, like, don't share your last name. Definitely don't share your address. Just keep it as general as possible. So if you take a picture like in your car, make sure your license plate isn't showing or your house number. Yes, definitely. No photos of kids, you know, so things like that. You want to use different pictures than you share on social media because we talked about somebody could reverse image, search those and then find your social media and you don't necessarily want that.

00;29;09;17 - 00;29;31;18
Meghan
We talked about using an alternate phone number like a service like Google Voice. Google Voice is free, by the way. And then we talked about video chatting before you meet in person. So those are all the things that you do before you even meet with somebody to keep yourself safe. So do that video chat. Then when you're setting up a date, tell someone where you're going.

00;29;31;19 - 00;29;48;00
Meghan
Tell your best friend where you're going, who you're meeting, what they're wearing, and when you're going to be home, and then text them when you get home. Then Christina shared how to share your location, which is so easy on Apple devices. I don't know how to do it on an android either, but I'm sure it's possible.

00;29;48;00 - 00;29;49;06
Christina
To look it up on YouTube.

00;29;49;18 - 00;30;14;08
Meghan
And if you can't share your location like from your phone, just tell somebody where you're going. Meet somewhere public that has a lot of people. So, you know, somebody suggested doing an activity for your first day as opposed to having coffee or something. And I think that probably depends on your situation if you've already been talking a lot because you have been chatting from this dating app, then yeah, maybe an activity makes sense.

00;30;14;08 - 00;30;38;00
Meghan
But if you haven't, if this is a get to know you type date because you met from a friend of a friend, then a coffee date to me makes more sense because you know, it's chatting. You're getting to know that person you know and drive separately or Uber separately. So then once you're on the date, I always used to carry Mace in my bag just in case.

00;30;39;02 - 00;30;58;28
Meghan
And they make so many things now for women in particular to keep yourself safe when you're out in public, like they have a scrunchie that you can that actually doubles as like a cover for your drink so you don't get roofied. It covers your like your glass at a bar so that nobody can just drop something in it.

00;30;58;28 - 00;31;24;07
Meghan
You know, they have like, yeah, they have, like, specific little tools, like a keychain that looks like a cat, but the ears are like, stabby. So if you hold it, like between your knuckles, it's like a weapon. So there are all sorts of tools like that that young women or just women or whoever could use to feel safer out in public on a date.

00;31;24;08 - 00;31;45;23
Meghan
My last piece of advice is don't get too drunk if you're drinking one two, drink maximum on your first date. You don't want to have to rely on somebody you barely know to get you home. You know, you don't want to be out of control of your body with somebody who you don't know very well.

00;31;46;12 - 00;32;08;19
Christina
Yes, that is that is so true. I remember when Sean and I went on our first date, you know, just I did have a drink and that is so true because I am so I don't drink often. It's such a rare occasion that I have a drink. And if that to you and you're a lightweight and the person's just like, hey, would you like another drink?

00;32;08;19 - 00;32;17;19
Christina
Would you like another drink? That's something that you need to be aware of. Be proactive in that. Say no, thank you. Practicing? No, thank you.

00;32;17;19 - 00;32;19;09
Meghan
I'll just drink really slow.

00;32;19;11 - 00;32;19;25
Christina
Yeah, just.

00;32;20;01 - 00;32;24;15
Meghan
Sip. Just drink really slow. So you're never ready for another drink?

00;32;24;24 - 00;32;37;13
Christina
You know, I always order water to when? To order a drink because a lot of restaurants don't provide water. And I always order a water. So that way that water is on the table at my next drink after. So.

00;32;37;14 - 00;32;44;23
Meghan
Right. And also just as a side note, being over 30, you have to have a water in between everything that you will regret.

00;32;45;08 - 00;32;47;05
Christina
Next morning will.

00;32;47;05 - 00;32;48;17
Meghan
Regret your life.

00;32;48;17 - 00;32;51;19
Christina
Choices that I do.

00;32;52;10 - 00;33;14;14
Meghan
So I can share my experiences dating both ways. Like I met Jason online and I did all of these things. He gave me his last name, but I didn't give him mine. We met on an app and then we had phone calls beforehand, so I don't think we video chatted, but I don't really think video chatting was as big of a thing back then either.

00;33;14;14 - 00;33;40;09
Meghan
We're talking like almost like eight years ago at this point, over eight years ago. So it was just face time wasn't as like big, but we definitely did chat the day. I mean like on the phone the day of our date, he sent me a picture of what he was wearing so I knew what he was wearing and I could show the my coworkers like, Hey, this is the guy, this is what he's wearing.

00;33;40;09 - 00;34;01;25
Meghan
I sent the picture to my best friend, you know, here's what he's wearing, here's his full name, here's the address of the place we're going. I we went to a bowling alley, so it was like a bowling alley slash restaurant. And I always carried mace at that point. Whenever I went on dates and I had two beers. So, like, I didn't I didn't over drink.

00;34;02;17 - 00;34;23;02
Meghan
And I mean, you know, I trusted my gut, too. You know, I knew he was a real person. I, you know, was comfortable because he didn't push me to share information I didn't want to share or whatever, you know. So you have to kind of trust your instincts, too. And then with Billy, we met through a mutual friend.

00;34;23;10 - 00;34;44;06
Meghan
So our very first time we met was a double date. So the friend and his girlfriend invited us to like go out to eat together. So it was the four of us, which I mean, I recommend going if you don't know this person, like take your friend with you.

00;34;44;07 - 00;34;45;05
Christina
Absolutely.

00;34;45;06 - 00;35;01;21
Meghan
I can see how that might be weird from the perspective of a widow, you know, or a widower or somebody who has lost their spouse. But you know, when it comes to safety, it's like, well, you're in a group, you know, so you have you have that there's safety in numbers.

00;35;01;21 - 00;35;19;18
Christina
Right. And I think if somebody has your their your best interest, if they have good intentions in a dating situation, they are not going to be weirded out by the fact that you're like, hey, I want to do a double date if they're truly interested, if they're sketchy, they might be like, Oh, I'm not really comfortable. Well, guess what?

00;35;19;19 - 00;35;37;18
Christina
If you're not comfortable with doing a double J and yeah, we don't, we don't need to continue this conversation, right? So yeah, if, if somebody is acting the least bit intimidated by meeting in public or their you know what, you see that. No. Yeah. Red flag.

00;35;37;18 - 00;35;48;29
Meghan
Nope, nope. Yeah. Huge red flag piece out. Nobody is worth you compromising on. When you feel like a red flag or feel unsafe, it is not worth it.

00;35;48;29 - 00;36;24;08
Christina
And if you're super naive like me, just like watch a lot of Dateline Watch a lot of Dateline. Listen to, you know, my favorite murder podcast. Do something like that. Because I think I'm super naive. I'm just like landed on this person and like there are some really scary things out there, and I don't want to, like, scare you off, but if you are naive and you don't believe that this stuff happens, you know, I heard one where that it was a bartender that she noticed, like this girl kept noticing that the bartender was looking at her really funny.

00;36;24;23 - 00;36;52;15
Christina
And long story short, it turned out that this guy was roofing a lot of the girls that were coming in and they recognized and they would warn the girl and then they would help her get out of the bar. And so there are a lot of scary things. So, you know, one of my random this may not make any sense, but if, as Megan said, your traveling separately, get there a little early, get there 20, 30 minutes early, you know, contact a waitress and be like, hey, or waiter, hey, I'm going to be on a date.

00;36;52;15 - 00;37;07;27
Christina
I've never met this person. This goes you know, can you kind of keep a lookout? Can we have a signal, you know, something like that, where that if something looks like it's going weird, like maybe I can meet you in the bathroom and you can help me out or something like that.

00;37;08;05 - 00;37;27;00
Meghan
I've seen where places have like a code word you can say to the waitstaff or the bartender. So I've seen like in the bathroom, they're like, Hey, are you feeling unsafe? Use this code word and the bartender will call the police. So yeah, just the fact that that exists, just. I hate it. I hate how scary it is.

00;37;27;09 - 00;37;58;03
Christina
Yeah, it's just messed up. It's hard, but there are good people out there. So, I mean, I don't say this stuff to scare you, but it's reality. And, you know, just like my experience, sometimes you're going to maybe have to have a little experience that's going to scare a little part of you to wake you up and realize this is, you know, if you are naive, if you're just believe the best in other people, you really need to just take a lot more precautions, take double the precautions that then you think are necessary on you.

00;37;58;03 - 00;38;04;18
Christina
Right. When you're when you're navigating this, you know, part of that the adventure that nobody asked to be a part of.

00;38;04;19 - 00;38;24;24
Meghan
Right. Exactly. And I mean, like Christina said, there are good people out there. I have found two in the past, like six or seven years, maybe eight years. So, yeah, there definitely are. But you just have to be safe when you're fighting them. Like I said, Billy and I went on a double date for our very, very first date.

00;38;24;24 - 00;38;44;04
Meghan
That was pre Jason. We dated before Jason and I met and then our first date like alone, it was the same thing. I gave my best friend his full name, exactly where we were going when I expected to be home texted throughout the date to make sure it was okay, you know. So yeah, just just be safe out there, your friends.

00;38;44;13 - 00;39;10;04
Christina
And for those of you who have children, this is a whole other topic. A lot of people Megan mentioned earlier, do not take pictures with your children and the picture that you post. I would take it another layer deeper and say to recognize that predators often hang out where there are a lot of people and a lot of access to children.

00;39;10;04 - 00;39;32;04
Christina
So I'm going to say something hard and this is just the truth. Sometimes you will find that there are a lot of predators in church. So if you are somebody who is recently widowed, you may find that you need to be extra cautious. There may be people in your church that you're not aware of who are struggling with these things.

00;39;32;04 - 00;39;46;05
Christina
The church staff may know and they may not be able to tell this and that it needs to be something that you are very aware of. That church is not always necessarily the safe place that you think is a great place to date.

00;39;46;06 - 00;40;09;12
Meghan
That is hard, that's scary and I think probably hard for a lot of people to hear. But I think that church is not necessarily the safe space because we are all human, we are all dealing with our own bullshit, right? And so just because a person goes to church does not automatically make them a good person, that you should feel safe with.

00;40;09;12 - 00;40;16;27
Meghan
Yes, I still have to take all of the precautions, no matter their religious status. Yes.

00;40;17;05 - 00;40;24;10
Christina
Yes. So just for those of you. Yeah, I just want to say that because that's not something that I think people just jump up and talk about.

00;40;24;20 - 00;40;46;22
Meghan
I love that you introduced that. I think that that is so smart and such a good point, because I think that you're so right just because I think that there's this like, you know, expectation, like, oh it's a they're a churchgoer, they're good. They're like me or whatever, if you are also a Christian. But that's not necessarily true.

00;40;46;22 - 00;41;11;23
Meghan
And that should not be a qualifier to as far as safety goes, you know, you know, whatever your religion is, whatever you want to do, that's fine. But just because they are in a specific religion does not mean they're it's going to be a safe thing for you to do. You still have to make sure that you are, you know, using an alternate phone number, video chat before you meet.

00;41;11;24 - 00;41;18;21
Meghan
You know, everything that we've said before still applies, even if it's like a good church go and man or whatever, you.

00;41;18;21 - 00;41;42;22
Christina
Know, people can act, they can do all kinds of things. And a lot of times with people who are predatory, especially in the church setting, they have lot of options that they will bounce around from church to church before. A lot of times the staff or people in the church will recognize that something is going on. So be aware if you are in that situation that there are predators who are trying to access.

00;41;42;22 - 00;42;04;05
Christina
Maybe you or you and your children take that and do with it what you will that like making sure to assume because they're in church. There was a saying that we, you know, used to say about Christians. And when I was a teen and dating was this whole concept of like, just because you hang out at church doesn't make you a Christian.

00;42;04;05 - 00;42;15;18
Christina
And even being a Christian, people can still be predators. Let's just, like, say that like there's that's a whole messed up thing. Don't assume that because someone's in church that makes them a good, upstanding citizen.

00;42;15;18 - 00;42;26;08
Meghan
I fully agree. Do you have anything else to add about safety and dating? Maybe specifically as it relates to being a widow or widower?

00;42;26;08 - 00;42;50;14
Christina
Yes. Very quickly, after losing my goal, I assure this, my counselor, as well as my father, they were they were both and both are male. And they were very quick to talk to me about the fact that I was now a widow and that people would try to take advantage of me just in general, as well as men.

00;42;50;14 - 00;43;17;02
Christina
You know, they're you know, some men will deliberately, intentionally look for widows to take advantage of. And I would really caution you, especially of putting out on social media that you are a widow. And if you have your signs on public, because that's easily something that you can look up something and someone can find you, they can look up your spouse's obituary.

00;43;17;04 - 00;43;20;08
Christina
And, you know, sometimes do some digging.

00;43;20;09 - 00;43;23;14
Meghan
That's another good reason to not share your last name.

00;43;23;17 - 00;43;47;15
Christina
Yes. And so if you think about it, they're going to be able to draw some conclusions about, oh, does this person own their home? Do they not? And maybe there was life insurance or a pension or whatever that looks like. And so you become a target to people who are preying on you and this very vulnerable time in your life.

00;43;47;15 - 00;44;14;28
Christina
So I would encourage you in any of your social media settings, you have the ability to make that your friends can see that you're a widow, but publicly that's hidden. There are different settings that can be used. So if I, for example, put on social media a picture and I put hashtag widow, hashtag widow or anything like that, I will almost immediately be sent DMS from accounts that I don't know, trying to contact me.

00;44;15;23 - 00;44;43;11
Christina
Inevitably that's going to happen. So just be aware that if you are tagging anything of that nature or you're writing about being a widow, just use caution, use good judgment. Think about what you're doing. And because people are very good at coming in and taking advantage of you financially, there are some really again, Dateline watch, some shows if you don't believe it.

00;44;43;11 - 00;44;49;21
Christina
There are thousands of stories out there of widows being taken advantage of and put in different, well, hard positions.

00;44;49;29 - 00;45;12;20
Meghan
And particularly if you're not tech savvy, make sure all of your social media accounts are set to private so that they're not being broadcast out to the world. I mean, that's particularly true, I think, for like Instagram and Tik Tok Facebook, it's pretty easy to set your account. You know, it's only your friends. Usually it's only your friends.

00;45;12;24 - 00;45;21;02
Meghan
You can set your stuff to public, but you have to go in and actually do that. But yeah, make sure all your accounts are private so that you don't run into that sort of thing.

00;45;21;02 - 00;45;50;29
Christina
Yes. Because as soon as your partners and now it's just pretty much automatic, it seems like with newspaper articles that their obituary is automatically posted online. Sean, my boyfriend asked me how you know, how did the real people find out that because we receive letters from realtors and it was like, well, how did they find out? Like, why would they all of a sudden start sending you mail saying that, like, would you like to sell your home?

00;45;50;29 - 00;46;02;03
Christina
Well, it's because they read the obituaries are ambulance chasers. The same thing is going to can potentially happen with predators out there who prey on widows or widowers.

00;46;02;06 - 00;46;18;12
Meghan
So, yeah, just remember, if it sounds too good to be true, that probably is. Mhm. So be careful, be safe, make good choices and if it feels off, move on, don't engage with it. You know, whatever it is, the conversation or the person or whatever.

00;46;18;29 - 00;46;46;15
Christina
Earlier I was going somewhere and I got off track, which is not uncommon for me. But my counselor had shared that it is a good idea. If you can get to know this person's friends, if you can meet a friend or see their friend, and that is a really helpful thing. So if you are on their social media and you see no pictures or you see friends and you can, you know, lovingly stock them on the Internet to find out this a real person.

00;46;46;15 - 00;47;09;05
Christina
What are the people that they is this look like? Okay, they're hanging out with a bunch of other couples or I see nothing of that nature like. This is a real person that is helpful. If you can get to know their friends or you know people who know them. That was very helpful with Sean is that he knew we had a lot of friends in common and I was able to talk to them.

00;47;09;05 - 00;47;18;07
Christina
I know Sean did the same thing with me. He called someone that knew me and said, Tell about this person. So it works both ways, right?

00;47;18;08 - 00;47;38;10
Meghan
You touched on something just now that we didn't talk about before, because I feel like it was it's so obvious, but maybe not. You should Google the person. You should absolutely search them on the Internet, search for them on social media, see what you can find out about them. Not in a creepy way, but just to make sure that they are who they say they are.

00;47;38;11 - 00;47;38;25
Meghan
You know.

00;47;39;01 - 00;47;57;06
Christina
Yes, you can find out a lot about where the person works and the one person that when I had the app, I was able to do that. I was able to find out where this person worked. And it was a different picture of them because you could see their bio on their work and making sure that's a real and just all of these different things.

00;47;57;06 - 00;48;15;10
Christina
Is this a real person? There was something that recently happened in the town I live in and it was where that I won't go into too many details. But after the fact, when people search this person. Yes, a Dateline thing came up when they searched their name.

00;48;15;14 - 00;48;28;06
Meghan
Oh, my goodness. So, yeah. So this person was new to the town, right? Yes. And somebody was Googling them to make sure they said who they say they got.

00;48;28;06 - 00;48;39;21
Christina
They got some Speidi senses. Their Speidi senses were tingling. It was a weird situation. And they they when they search them, an entire Dateline series came up.

00;48;39;23 - 00;48;41;15
Meghan
So, oh, my goodness.

00;48;41;15 - 00;48;50;15
Christina
There is a good reason to, you know, and if there's nothing out there that's also kind of weird. I mean, there's something to be coming up, the pressure.

00;48;50;15 - 00;48;52;25
Meghan
To have like a LinkedIn profile or.

00;48;52;25 - 00;48;53;24
Christina
Something.

00;48;53;24 - 00;48;54;06
Meghan
You know?

00;48;54;06 - 00;49;08;11
Christina
Yes, yes. Unless they are 95 years old, even if they're 95 years old, their grandkids are probably going to tag them in a picture that, you know, on social media, even if they don't have a Facebook account. So stock away, my friends.

00;49;08;14 - 00;49;23;12
Meghan
Stock away. All right. So hopefully all of these tips help keep you safe. Maybe you knew everything that we talked about today, but I just felt like I have been in in the dating field. Is it a field.

00;49;23;23 - 00;49;26;05
Christina
I think it's a pool. Don't they call it a pool today?

00;49;26;19 - 00;49;49;19
Meghan
It's a pool. Yeah. I've been in the dating pool recently, you know, because Jason and I met online, you know. So I've I've done that fairly recently and then again after he died. So I just I just wanted to share the tips and tricks that I found along the way. And, you know, hopefully, like, like we said, hopefully it helps somebody.

00;49;49;26 - 00;49;51;14
Meghan
Do you have anything else to add to.

00;49;51;14 - 00;50;16;14
Christina
This concludes now our series on mixing grease and dating. Now, if some of you were to send us questions, we will do another episode in the series. So feel free to ask us questions. I mean, send us your dating nightmares. Come on. We know they're out there. We know their story. Send us all of your things that you cannot say publicly.

00;50;16;14 - 00;50;42;24
Christina
I have stories that I would like to share, but I can't of things. And I'm not just talking about dating. I'm talking about things that have happened to me as a widow. And I live in a small town, so I know if you're listening, you had something happen at your dad's funeral. You had something happen with your cousin that you're like, I really want to share this dirt, but I can't say it on Facebook because my family was send it to us.

00;50;42;24 - 00;50;47;21
Christina
We will meet your name and we will share it. And we will all like yeah, we will all.

00;50;47;21 - 00;51;02;05
Meghan
Like here's what we'll do, here's what we'll do. We'll share everything anonymously. And then we'll also sprinkle in our own dirty, dirty little stories, and they'll be anonymous. And then you'll never know which ones were us.

00;51;02;05 - 00;51;15;18
Christina
Yeah. So send that, send it to full cop club podcast at gmail.com and I get those emails and we'll put a podcast together. We may just sprinkle them throughout. So yeah.

00;51;15;19 - 00;51;22;18
Meghan
You can also DM us on Facebook or Instagram like if that's easier than sending an email, that's totally cool too.

00;51;22;18 - 00;51;41;08
Christina
Yes, we love to hear from you. We love to just hear your story in general about yeah, we're super bank on watching you get back up. We want that's what we are here for. We encourage you to get up after you have been knocked down because you are so capable of doing the really big things.

00;51;41;20 - 00;51;45;11
Meghan
You can replace those light switch as friends. You can do it.

00;51;46;00 - 00;51;46;12
Christina
Yes.

00;51;46;12 - 00;51;48;07
Meghan
I'm here to tell you. Yes.

00;51;48;19 - 00;52;04;29
Christina
You can do those big scary tasks that you thought only somebody else can do. You you can learn to do the dishes and load the dishwasher. You can learn to, you know, do the laundry. You can learn how to mow the lawn. You can do those things.

00;52;05;16 - 00;52;28;23
Meghan
You can set up a profile on a dating app. Oh, yes, you can do it. You can? Totally can. Mm hmm. All right, friends. Well, the time has come. So whether your cup is empty, half full or overflowing, raise it up. Here's to the craziness of life after loss. Cheers. Thank you so much for being here with us.

00;52;28;23 - 00;52;43;14
Meghan
Please subscribe to our podcast if you found it helpful and you can also find us on social media, on Instagram at Four Cup Club podcast. And if you search full Club Club podcast on Facebook again, thanks friends and we'll see you next time.