Full Cup Club Podcast - Getting Back Up After Getting Knocked Down With Grief

23 - Mixing Dating with Grief: Part 1

June 28, 2022 Full Cup Club Episode 23
Full Cup Club Podcast - Getting Back Up After Getting Knocked Down With Grief
23 - Mixing Dating with Grief: Part 1
Show Notes Transcript

In this episode, Christina and Meghan talk about dating with grief - why do you want to date? How do you know when you're ready to date? How is it different, what are you looking for, what should you lookout for? Listen to this one to hear words of wisdom (okay, "wisdom" may not be entirely right) from two widows who are currently dating.

If you find this podcast helpful, please subscribe and leave us a review! Having reviews is the best way for people to find this podcast. New episodes are available every Wednesday. Thanks for being here! You can also support the show by buying us a coffee :)

Support the show

If you find this podcast helpful, please subscribe and leave us a review! Having reviews is the best way for people to find this podcast. New episodes are available every Wednesday. Thanks for being here! You can also support the show by buying us a coffee :)

Find us on our website, Facebook, and Instagram too!

00;00;00;08 - 00;00;18;19
Meghan
So it's summer when we're recording this episode. Peak summer heat. Like we're getting kind of a kind of a heat wave here in Texas. It's usually not quite this hot in June. Like it's hot, but I feel like we've had high nineties, 100 degree temperatures. That's usually July, August, weather.

00;00;18;20 - 00;00;19;07
Christina
Okay.

00;00;20;18 - 00;00;42;14
Meghan
So I took my son to a water park the other day. When I tell you I was so sore the next day, my 35 year old bones cannot handle water park level excitement. He likes the slide where you get on a mat and you're on your stomach and you have the mat and you go down the slide on your stomach.

00;00;42;29 - 00;00;59;04
Meghan
We rode that one probably 25 times. My neck is still sore days later. I don't know. Am I just out of shape or is this just what it's like to be 35? Hi, I'm Meghan

00;00;59;04 - 00;01;02;20
Christina
And I'm Christina and this is the Full Cup Club podcast.

00;01;03;03 - 00;01;12;10
Meghan
We're here to talk through the good, the bad and the ugly of loss. Whether that's losing a loved one, a job, a dream, or even your marbles.

00;01;13;03 - 00;01;31;00
Christina
So whether your cup has coffee, tea or vodka in it. Welcome to the Full Cup Club. Friends, on today's episode, we are going to be talking about dating and grief. Meghan How did you put it? I like the way you put it. Are you ready?

00;01;31;22 - 00;01;37;28
Meghan
Are you ready to mix grief with dating? Make a weird little cake.

00;01;37;28 - 00;01;47;14
Christina
Exactly, but not one of those cool ones with the brownie layer and the like cream cheese layer. No, this is just like a big mess.

00;01;47;14 - 00;01;57;08
Meghan
This cake. This is not a professional cake. This. This was made in a test kitchen. We're not sure if this thing's gonna be good.

00;01;58;13 - 00;02;21;14
Christina
Exactly. Before we get started. I just want to welcome any new listeners. I know this is a really hot topic in widowhood. And so we may have some new listeners today. So welcome if this is your first time joining us. Welcome to this awkward podcast where we navigate all of this craziness of life after loss. If you enjoy this, go back in here.

00;02;21;15 - 00;02;35;18
Christina
Stories start with episode one and then Meghan and I share our our personal stories of loss. But welcome. And before we get started, we always check to see - Meghan, what is in your cup today?

00;02;35;23 - 00;02;59;16
Meghan
I'm so glad you asked. It is yet another fizzy water. I love sparkling water. It is my beverage of choice in the summertime. So today's flavor is San Pellegrino, tangerine strawberry. And the exciting thing about today is I got a can cooler that fits a skinny can.

00;02;59;16 - 00;03;01;29
Christina
And how is that going? Is it keeping it nice and chill?

00;03;01;29 - 00;03;27;01
Meghan
It's it's keeping it nice and chill. Nice and cold. I love it. The ones that I have, I have two one that fits, say, like a standard size can and then one fits the skinny cans like a truly or whatever. And they're both brumate brand. So I like them. I'm here for it. So anyway, this fizzy water it.

00;03;28;12 - 00;03;54;27
Meghan
Okay, so there was an episode where I tried strawberry flavored water from Waterloo and I was like, Oh, it's weird, I don't know. And then by the next episode, I was like, It's my new favorite. I love it. Really grew on me and I taste a lot of that feeling in this fizzy water, I mean, it's the tangerine strawberry, so I like it.

00;03;55;06 - 00;03;57;16
Meghan
A good summer flavor. What are you drinking today?

00;03;57;24 - 00;04;23;20
Christina
So when I. I don't know. When I get on a plane. Do you have like you get on a plane like, like some people are like they get on a plane and suddenly they need a ginger ale. Well, when I get on a plane, I want a cranberry. I want cranberry juice. So today, since it is you know, the temperature of the face of the sun here in the Pacific Northwest, I'm having a little a little in my yeti, a little ice with some cranberry.

00;04;23;28 - 00;04;28;21
Meghan
Oh, just cranberry. Not like cran apple, just cranberry.

00;04;28;23 - 00;04;30;13
Christina
And I like the no sugar added.

00;04;30;13 - 00;04;31;16
Meghan
Isn't it bitter?

00;04;31;24 - 00;04;39;15
Christina
Not really, but I like it. It's a little bit of tartness. So it's a tasty it's a tasty cold situation on this crazy hot day.

00;04;39;15 - 00;04;42;28
Meghan
You know what? Put some vodka in there and you got yourself a party.

00;04;42;28 - 00;04;56;06
Christina
There we go party in a cup. So on today's episode it's, I feel like this is going to be a little bit different so purposefully when we started doing this podcast, we did not go and listen to other podcasts about widowhood.

00;04;56;07 - 00;04;57;11
Meghan
You're like, Yeah,

00;04;57;13 - 00;04;58;20
Christina
We noticed

00;04;58;20 - 00;05;02;19
Meghan
so maybe you should. Maybe try it.

00;05;03;09 - 00;05;29;17
Christina
Exactly. So you know, you get what you get around here. And it wasn't until about a week ago, two weeks ago, that I listened to another podcast by two other widows and I really enjoyed their podcast. It is called Widow We Do Now. So it's two friends like us who met after they lost their spouses. So that's really the extent of what we've listened to on podcasts.

00;05;29;17 - 00;05;55;22
Christina
And I did do a little bit of research for this one. Listen to a couple, and I feel like what we're going to talk about is a little bit different. I feel like what we really want to talk about is, you know, things like, why are you choosing to date? Are you ready to start dating? Things like how your family might react and how your support system reacts and how you can have healthy relationships in the process.

00;05;56;00 - 00;06;01;19
Christina
And Meghan and I, we are going to share our experiences with dating, so let's get started.

00;06;01;21 - 00;06;03;09
Meghan
All right. Engines ready.

00;06;03;13 - 00;06;04;16
Christina
Prepare your hearts. Gird your loins.

00;06;06;22 - 00;06;17;03
Christina
So we wanted to start with why are you choosing to date? So how about you, Meghan? When you think of why are people starting to date, what do you think of?

00;06;17;03 - 00;06;29;05
Meghan
It's funny you ask it that way because when I think of why or why would you want to start dating, I think of why would you want to start a dating?

00;06;29;05 - 00;06;57;25
Christina
That is funny. And that is actually a really great place to start. I think if you are of a certain generation, you might come out of the gate going like, Oh, I need a partner. Like it's just an automatic thing. I'm like, This is, I had a partner before and I feel really lost. That is - so for me that was this part, it was true as far as me feeling lost after I lost Michael like just very much like like I was falling down a well and I couldn't grab on to anything.

00;06;57;25 - 00;07;22;10
Christina
I didn't feel like I needed a partner. I just felt lost. And so stopping to ask yourself, when you get to the place where you're ready to date, why are you wanting to date? Are you trying to fill a void? Are you looking for a companion or are you just trying to numb the pain that you have by sticking somebody else in that spot?

00;07;22;24 - 00;07;46;21
Christina
And so that's really on this first one where we wanted to talk about why are you dating? Because maybe you've never paused and thought about the core reason. Sit down with a piece of paper and say, Why do I want to date? It's going to be different for a different ages, I would think, in your thirties. In your twenties, it's going to be different than it is if you're in your sixties when you lose your spouse.

00;07;46;29 - 00;07;58;05
Meghan
Yeah, I could agree with that. There is a statistic and maybe you know it off the top of your head, but it's like women over a certain age are less likely to remarry after losing their spouse.

00;07;58;05 - 00;08;20;14
Christina
I have seen a statistic that says that under 45 it's pretty common for a woman to remarry. I couldn't find it. I know I saw it after my uncle passed and then over 45 it the number like let's say it's like under 45, it's like 60 something percent, but then over 45 it drops dramatically. I could not find that statistic again.

00;08;20;14 - 00;08;24;18
Christina
Maybe somebody else on the internet has seen it, but I did try to find that.

00;08;24;22 - 00;08;39;07
Meghan
Have you seen where people they move in with their best friends and they're just life partners like like almost like roommates, but they do life together as if they were a married couple. It's just not it's not like a sexual relationship.

00;08;39;07 - 00;08;43;23
Christina
But it's kind of like Golden Girls, right? I mean, if you think about it like they were -

00;08;43;23 - 00;08;55;09
Meghan
We did they all live together? I remember watching that show when I was little, my grandma liked it. So I don't have a vivid recollection of it.

00;08;55;09 - 00;08;57;25
Christina
I believe that Blanche owned the home.

00;08;58;06 - 00;08;59;27
Meghan
Okay. That feels right.

00;09;00;08 - 00;09;17;00
Christina
Yeah, because she was. Yes. And then then eventually Sophia came to live with him, which as a fun fact, did you know that the actress that played Sophia was younger than any of the rest of them? That is what I remember from that show. 

00;09;17;07 - 00;09;28;28
Meghan
Wild, really? Wow. Have you seen the comparison of the Golden Girls to the women in Sex and the City? How they were the same age, but they look somuch younger, or the Golden Girls look older.

00;09;28;28 - 00;09;31;18
Christina
Yes, yes, yes, yes.

00;09;31;18 - 00;09;33;12
Meghan
It's all about that hairstyle, man.

00;09;34;06 - 00;09;52;20
Christina
So yeah, I mean, it's just, why are you doing this? Are you setting out to find somebody who can do your laundry for you? Ah, or can cook for you? Are you looking for somebody to mow your your grass. Are you - stop and ask yourself what is your intention? Why are you doing this? Why are you wanting to date.

00;09;52;20 - 00;10;23;21
Meghan
Yeah. What is your why? Really think about it. Really think about that, you know, because if you're looking for somebody to do things for you, those things can be hired out. Mm hmm. You can hire a housekeeper, you can hire a lawn service. You know, you can hire a handyman or whatever. So really consider do you, are you wanting to jump into a relationship because your partner did these things before and now you don't have anybody to do them?

00;10;24;00 - 00;10;26;23
Meghan
And is that a good reason to jump into a relationship?

00;10;26;23 - 00;10;48;20
Christina
Is that fair to the other person who is a whole person that already does all of these things for themselves and they are not that's not what they're looking for. And then you come in with expectations of dumping all of this on them. And that's not that's not fair. You are an adult and there is this little thing called YouTube.

00;10;49;25 - 00;10;51;12
Meghan
I don't know if you've heard of it.

00;10;51;12 - 00;10;56;21
Christina
And you can look up how to turn on your washing machine, I'm sure by the model and everything.

00;10;56;22 - 00;11;06;24
Meghan
You can, you know, at the very least, you can look up the model number for whatever your washing machine, dishwasher, whatever, and the manual will be online.

00;11;06;24 - 00;11;40;27
Christina
Yes. So you are, you are very capable. It's it might feel scary, but you are perfectly capable. You can run a lawnmower or you can use microwaves, all of these types of things. There are food services online. And I would really pause for a second because I think we just get so caught up in there's so many emotions and so many things going on that we forget that this is a person that we're going into a relationship with and you want to make sure that your baggage or your things that you're not strong in, is that what you're bringing to the table?

00;11;40;27 - 00;11;51;24
Christina
You want to bring your whole self into a relationship. This should not be a thing of looking for somebody to be your, you know, housekeeper or your lawn person.

00;11;51;25 - 00;12;19;29
Meghan
Right. Now, that's not to say that in a relationship, you don't have shared responsibilities. That's just to say that entering into a relationship, just because you don't know how to cook, because your wife did all the cooking and now she's gone, that's not a good reason to jump into a relationship. But you know what? You can try cooking, you can YouTube it, you can get cookbooks and or you can order, order like meal service, you know.

00;12;20;08 - 00;12;41;11
Meghan
So there are services for these things that you don't have to jump into a relationship just to get dinner every night, you know, and it's and like Christina was saying, it's not fair. It's not fair to somebody else to expect them to do these things. Now, you will have, you know, give and take and compromise and shared responsibilities in a relationship.

00;12;41;18 - 00;12;53;27
Meghan
But it's not necessarily going to be split the same way it was before because it's a whole different thing, especially with a whole different skill set, needs and wants, and likes and dislikes.

00;12;53;27 - 00;13;14;08
Christina
Yes. And it's also a whole different time. You know, this isn't 20 years ago. This isn't 40 years ago. This isn't 60 years ago. So people who are coming into relationship, they have learned to do these things. And so if you did not keep up, they might be like, what? What is this person doing? 

00;13;14;22 - 00;13;36;25
Meghan
Yeah. You were telling me about someone recently who is super proficient at just taking care of himself. He's a man who, you know, he does all his cooking. He works out, he has a good job. And he he is a whole person, you know, just the the full package. And so, you know, he was I think he was single at the time when we were talking.

00;13;37;10 - 00;13;46;14
Meghan
I'm not really sure of his status right now, but you can tell this or I can. But, you know, you asked him, well, why do you want to date? What's the point?

00;13;46;16 - 00;13;48;07
Christina
Yes.

00;13;48;07 - 00;13;49;14
Meghan
And what did he say?

00;13;49;15 - 00;14;10;21
Christina
He said companionship and sex. And I was like, wow, you know? And I mean, that's a reflection on me that I was confused because of the era that I was raised in. I am I'm about to turn 48. And to me, it was just like these very traditional gender roles that I was raised around. And here is this man who is taking care of everything.

00;14;10;21 - 00;14;30;27
Christina
So I'm just like, why would you want? And and I was like, wow, that was that really gave me perspective on, you know, not also not going into relationships thinking like that. That person, the other person would expect that of me that I need to find somebody who can take care of themselves, that those are not the expectations.

00;14;30;27 - 00;14;35;14
Christina
Because just to be really honest, I'm I don't enjoy those things, to be honest.

00;14;35;14 - 00;14;59;11
Meghan
I was just about to say I was like, you and I both don't like to cook. It's not my thing. So if you're expecting that from me, I'm sorry, I'll do it. I cook because it's part of being an adult. Yes, but I'm not good at it and I don't like it. So I make the most basic foods because it's not fun.

00;15;00;09 - 00;15;03;27
Christina
See I don't mind cooking. I just don't want to do the dishes when it's over, so.

00;15;03;28 - 00;15;12;26
Meghan
Oh, my gosh. Okay, we'll be platonic life partners. I will do all the dishes. You can cook. I don't mind doing the dishes.

00;15;13;05 - 00;15;21;27
Christina
Michael's mom. Any time there's a holiday, like I will do, like, the cooking. And she's so happy to do the dishes because. Yeah, it works. Yes. There you go. There you go.

00;15;21;27 - 00;15;44;24
Meghan
I guess now that I'm thinking back, I did have women in my life that didn't really cook as a kid. I wasn't really paying attention to that. But thinking back to parties with my extended family and stuff, my grandma cooked, but my aunts, they would cater food, you know, so there was always food there, but it wasn't necessarily homemade.

00;15;44;28 - 00;15;47;05
Meghan
That is the type of adult I'm aiming to be.

00;15;47;22 - 00;15;58;09
Christina
Exactly. There's no need. You do not have to take on all of this responsibility. It's okay to figure out what you're good at and what's your are your challenges. So, yes.

00;15;58;09 - 00;16;07;29
Meghan
I think that this is a good point to to if you're thinking about why do you want to date, also think about like, what do you want?

00;16;07;29 - 00;16;23;21
Christina
There's different stages in life. You know, if you think about your twenties, you're trying to figure out your place in the world as far as like if you're looking at life span and reading about life span, you're you're figuring out your place in the world and then your thirties, you're like, you know, you're establishing your family, your forties.

00;16;23;21 - 00;16;45;22
Christina
You're like that. You know, kids are a little bit older. You're getting ready, you're starting to prepare for retirement. So there's these different phases in life. So if you're in your twenties, you're going like, Hey, I still can find a partner and maybe if you have children, you know, I've seen I'm sorry, I don't remember their names, but Brittany, I want to say their last name is Booker.

00;16;46;13 - 00;17;06;25
Christina
She was a widower. I mean, she was a widow. He was a widower. They met. They both had children and they ended up getting married. And so it's like you're still in that phase when you're younger of looking for a partner, maybe to raise children with where that I am. You know, I'm I'm approaching 50. My children are grown.

00;17;06;25 - 00;17;32;11
Christina
I am not looking for a partner to have children with. I am looking for a partner to go on adventures with and to enjoy retirement with. And so when you're sitting down and asking yourself why it's different, you're looking for different things than maybe you did when you were in your twenties in a partner. And maybe you're saying, like, you know, I would really like to date somebody who has experienced loss.

00;17;32;11 - 00;17;54;24
Christina
Maybe that's something that is important to you, you know? So why are you doing that? Why are you, you know, sit down and write down all of the things and ask yourself why? Because those could be, you know, maybe you're like, I really need somebody in my life who, you know, I'm an introvert and I would really like somebody to help me get out of the house.

00;17;54;24 - 00;18;14;23
Christina
So maybe you're looking for an extrovert and all of those different things. When you write down your why of what you're doing, maybe you recognize that you bring some really cool things to the table and you want to find somebody that brings really cool things to the table. I love Meghan's son at one point was talking about how did he put it?

00;18;14;27 - 00;18;18;20
Meghan
Well, I can guarantee you that he didn't mean to be profound.

00;18;18;20 - 00;18;20;09
Christina
He was thoguht. I still think of it.

00;18;20;15 - 00;18;46;25
Meghan
It was accidentally great. But I was I told him that I was dating somebody and he'd met this person. He just didn't know that I was dating them. And so, you know, after after we determined it was going to stick, it was going to be a long term thing. Right? I told my son that we were dating and he said, Oh, what skills does he have?

00;18;47;19 - 00;18;49;06
Christina
I mean, seriously, yeah.

00;18;50;07 - 00;18;53;11
Meghan
How is he going to add to this equation?

00;18;53;12 - 00;19;24;27
Christina
Exactly, like, if you're not adding value, like you're not welcome here. I love that quote from you. So yeah. So I think of that. And when, when you are looking for something, there's no reason that yes, maybe you are dating somebody and that person is really good. Maybe he's really good at cooking. Maybe he's really good at some things that are not that should be out of abundance, that should not be out of your lack that somebody comes in, you know, they should do it out of abundance and like they're happy to do this.

00;19;24;27 - 00;19;26;09
Christina
It should not be a burden.

00;19;26;09 - 00;19;29;20
Meghan
Yes. What a good way to put that. Yes.

00;19;29;20 - 00;19;41;04
Christina
It should be a joy for them to come over or you guys to cook together. It should not be something where you're putting that burden on somebody because you lack those skills.

00;19;41;04 - 00;20;00;00
Meghan
But yeah, what you were talking about as far as knowing what you want and how it might be different from what you wanted before, because maybe you were in a long relationship and so you started in your twenties, you did want somebody to raise a family with and now you know, you're in your forties and you're like, I don't want that anymore.

00;20;00;00 - 00;20;16;01
Meghan
I definitely do not want kids or whatever. It's also thinking about what are the things in my last relationship that were that wasn't adding value that I was unhappy with. You know, it's like you, it's like you're improving on upon yourself, you know, it's like, okay, well.

00;20;16;04 - 00;20;17;23
Christina
Well, you know yourself so much better.

00;20;17;23 - 00;20;38;27
Meghan
Yeah. Yeah. And so maybe you're less hesitant to say what you want ahead of time. Maybe you communicate better, and you're like, This is a hard no for me, you know? And you're not willing to people please, you're not willing to say, Oh, well, okay. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Yeah. You just have to know those things for me.

00;20;38;27 - 00;20;44;05
Meghan
I don't like to cook. I don't want to have to pick up after somebody picking you after yourself. You are an adult.

00;20;44;13 - 00;21;11;19
Christina
Yeah, I think that's a good point. As you know, you know yourself better, you know? Yes. You've had a lot more life experience. So pause and think about that before you consider dating. You don't have to rush into things. Take some time. Consider these things and you know, just make sure that you're you are not trying to numb the pain of loss as you go into this.

00;21;11;19 - 00;21;12;10
Meghan
Yes.

00;21;12;10 - 00;21;15;12
Christina
You know, what are the reasons you're doing this?

00;21;15;21 - 00;21;43;19
Meghan
I personally wasn't ready to date until a year and a half after my husband Jason died, just absolutely wasn't ready. And I knew I wasn't ready because I couldn't I definitely knew that I couldn't handle any kind of rejection. So if I was in a headspace where that was going to make me spiral, I knew that I was not in a headspace to be in a relationship, you know?

00;21;43;27 - 00;22;06;21
Meghan
So there really is no hurry and there's no requirement to date at all. Maybe in in looking into your why, you're thinking, oh, well, I am self-sufficient. I have friends that I travel with or that I, you know, I don't necessarily need a spouse. Maybe you just don't have one. It's not required. 

00;22;07;07 - 00;22;27;04
Christina
Yeah. I mean, and I'll share a little bit about my experience. Like I found that it was the first time in my life when my son left for college after Michael passed. Like it was the first time I lived alone. And after Michael died, it was the first time I had been single really for any period of time to speak of in my adult life.

00;22;27;23 - 00;22;49;19
Christina
And so where I would and I think I would mention this before and, you know, I'm going to openly admit this now, I would look at other people that were single and be like, and it's stupid. I mean, I'm embarrassed to say it, but I would just be like, Oh, like I feel bad for them, you know? And I know a lot of people are looking for a partner and I always felt very, very fortunate to have such a good partner in Michael.

00;22;50;12 - 00;22;59;10
Christina
But I was like, Oh, man, I feel bad, you know, for that person. Yeah, no, not so much. They're living their best lives.

00;22;59;10 - 00;23;00;03
Meghan
It's like, wow, you're crushing it.

00;23;00;09 - 00;23;26;08
Christina
Yeah, and you realize that that's it's not terrible. Friends it is not terrible to be single. And I would really encourage you to spend some time being single. You do not need to rush into dating. I was 17 months out when I started dating and it was not on purpose. I did know that I wanted to find somebody to go on adventures with and have fun and travel with.

00;23;26;17 - 00;23;42;29
Christina
Because my children are adults. And I recognized that there were young adults. They were both in their early twenties and I did not plan to go on adventures with them. We had gone on a lot of adventures. I still want to go on adventures, but that was not my full time, like sort of going on adventures with my children.

00;23;43;20 - 00;23;55;25
Christina
I recognize they'll have families and jobs and so I wanted to find somebody to go on adventures with is where I was, but I wasn't necessarily looking for somebody, so that was my why.

00;23;55;25 - 00;24;06;14
Meghan
Yeah, I'll say that. Yeah, I was ready at a year and a half. I didn't actually start dating until two years after Jason died. I just felt mentally available at that point.

00;24;06;14 - 00;24;36;20
Christina
That's a good way to put it. One of the things that was really important to me after Michael passed was that I, I wanted to make sure that any future relationships, whether that be with friends, family, grandchildren or potentially a future partner, I wanted to make sure that I had my baggage taken care of. I wanted to make sure that this person, people coming into my life, were not having to wade through.

00;24;36;20 - 00;25;02;03
Christina
There's a quote, and I think it's something like, you know, deal with your baggage so other people don't have to wade through your baggage to get to you. And that is it's so important. It is not fair to this other person for you to, you know, bring that in. It's not their job to be your therapist, your counselor or your peer support group.

00;25;02;13 - 00;25;10;22
Meghan
Right. They're your partner. They have their own set of, you know, baggage and issues and whatever that they should deal with in a healthy way.

00;25;11;02 - 00;25;44;13
Christina
So that was really important to me that I did the work. So I would say when you're asking yourself, are you ready to date, is have you done the work? Are you in a healthy place? We've just talked about, you know, have you learned how to do your laundry? Have you learned how to do your lawn? And if those you know, if maybe that's something you are, you know, have the resources to hire out that you've done, you know, to make sure you're in this healthy place, that you're coming to the table as a whole person.

00;25;44;29 - 00;26;17;27
Meghan
I think you reminded me of something I wanted to mention about being or why you might want to date somebody, and that could be for financial reasons. Maybe in your household the breadwinner is the one that passed. And so now you're like, What am I going to do? You know? And that's tricky because, you know, it can be probably scary if you don't have the financial resources to, you know, pay your bills or whatever.

00;26;17;27 - 00;26;27;11
Meghan
But I would encourage you to look for other avenues to to get money than dating.

00;26;27;11 - 00;26;54;01
Christina
You mentioned living with a best friend or like, you know, a family member or something like that. Take your time. If you're able to do that, to partner up with somebody and get a roommate, you know, child care sharing, that type of stuff, you do not have to rush in, in. And you know, I'm just going to say it.

00;26;54;01 - 00;27;24;00
Christina
It's like you don't need to be rescued. You don't need somebody to save you. We've talked about this before, but you can look for somebody, a friend to partner with, somebody you trust, maybe a family member or something like that. If you are if that's really a place you're at because that's a reality for some people is you know but partner up don't feel like you need to lock yourself into, you know, this permanent relationship just for financial reasons because that can be very dangerous.

00;27;24;00 - 00;27;25;17
Meghan
Right, yeah, exactly.

00;27;25;22 - 00;27;45;13
Christina
So if you are not in a healthy place, consider going to counseling. Consider finding a friend who can be objective that has no skin in the game. Somebody that you can talk to and say, Hey, I'm thinking about dating. Will you be, you know, my sounding board? Can we talk about this? What are your thoughts on it? Do you think I'm ready?

00;27;45;13 - 00;28;10;06
Christina
Like when you look at me, do you think like Jiminy Christmas, like Phil, you're over here crying in the bathroom every 2 seconds? Like, Buddy, I don't think that you are ready to do this, you know, or you know, man. Phil, look at all you have to offer. You're doing so well. You are you clearly are learning, you know, to carry this grief.

00;28;10;06 - 00;28;36;21
Christina
You you loved your partner well in life. And it really looks like you are in a healthy place. And yes, I would encourage you to, you know, put yourself out there again, something like that. So find someone that you can, you know, you really trust. Their opinion, I would say, is, you know, if you don't feel strongly about that, if you just really want somebody else, you know, their two cents.

00;28;36;26 - 00;29;03;03
Meghan
I'm going to disagree with you sort of, because if I number one, I would not ask somebody that. I would not ask somebody unless I was at like a therapist, but I would not ask a friend if they thought I was ready for dating because they don't they don't really know everything that you're going through when you lose a person.

00;29;03;03 - 00;29;12;02
Meghan
You know. So no matter what they said to me, whether they were like, Yeah, you seem fine or No, I don't think it's time I be like, You don't know.

00;29;12;12 - 00;29;30;18
Christina
Yeah. And that's why I always say somebody who doesn't have any skin in the game, that's not necessarily I mean, I don't think, yeah, it needs to be a friend. But like you're saying, somebody who knows all the things that it will really be honest with you that you know, my counselor, I had been I've been in counseling for, you know, over two and a half years.

00;29;30;18 - 00;29;36;21
Christina
And so that is somebody that I can say, hey, what are your thoughts on this? And and he knows all the things. So yeah.

00;29;36;25 - 00;29;59;25
Meghan
Yeah, that makes sense. Somebody a professional, a therapist, a counselor, something like that. Yeah. I think it's important to be able to be happy on your own before you jump into a relationship. So how do you know when you're ready to start dating? So we just talked about how, well your friends aren't going to know because they're not in your head.

00;29;59;25 - 00;30;25;24
Meghan
Right? So how do you know? How do you know when you're ready, when you have that clear mental headspace and you're ready to entertain a relationship? You know, and this is really probably specifically related to people who have lost a spouse or a partner, because I think that it's just it's going to be different if you've lost a different type of person, you know, a parent, a kid, a friend or whatever.

00;30;26;21 - 00;30;43;23
Meghan
So if you've lost your spouse and your you're starting to date again, how do you know if you're ready? And I think for me, that marker is, am I happy on my own? Am I happy in my life right now? And that's how I knew I was ready to start dating.

00;30;43;23 - 00;30;45;10
Christina
That is that's a great point.

00;30;45;10 - 00;30;50;21
Meghan
To be fair, I didn't start dating when I was ready because I was like, I'm happy in my life right now.

00;30;50;21 - 00;31;10;26
Christina
Yeah, yeah. If you're miserable, like, come on, don't put your misery on somebody else. But like, if you're happy, that is such a good point. Like, I do remember that. Yeah, that's a great point of just like, I felt happy. I felt good about life and and you'll hear my story later. But I wasn't looking for somebody. I wasn't out hunting for somebody.

00;31;10;26 - 00;31;11;22
Meghan
Yeah.

00;31;11;28 - 00;31;33;22
Christina
And you hear that a lot, too. You know, if you think about it, it's like, I wasn't looking for this. It's like you're just out living your life. Go out friends, live your best life, do all the things like you have. You have a lot of bandwidth as you're grieving, you will find you have more bandwidth because anybody friends, family, your dog takes up bandwidth in your life.

00;31;34;00 - 00;31;58;14
Christina
And when you lose your partner, that is a huge amount of bandwidth. So you're not thinking about like, oh, like do they need me to pick up, you know, these things that they regularly like from the grocery store? Do they have enough stuff for their lunches? That type that takes up bandwidth and you have a lot more bandwidth use that time, that extra bandwidth that you have to enjoy your life because that is so attractive.

00;31;58;14 - 00;32;11;00
Christina
Also, if you think about it, to other people, is you being happy. And so yeah, that's an attractive thing. And yeah, that's such a good point is making sure that you're. Yeah, I like it.

00;32;11;13 - 00;32;37;08
Meghan
Yeah. Well and then you're also showing because you are just happily just going on your merry way, living your life, doing whatever, and you're showing your authentic, true self, right? You are. You are showing that you're not going to bring someone down with your bad attitude or whatever. You are just laying all your cards out on the table, doing what you want to do.

00;32;37;08 - 00;33;02;00
Meghan
And if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't and whatever. Because you're happy anyway. So now maybe the question is how do you become happy on your own? How do you find that happiness without a spouse? So I of course was happy with Jason, but I, I am independent and can easily, easily live on my own and be on my own.

00;33;02;00 - 00;33;27;12
Christina
Yeah, I agree with you. I am I am also very independent. I did spend a lot of time on my own while Michael was at work and then time when we were together. So that is a good point. I would say learning how to be comfortable spending time with yourself. I don't think everybody is comfortable with themselves. It's like I have this other person in my life because I have to mask the things that I haven't dealt with.

00;33;27;13 - 00;33;29;02
Meghan
Maybe you're insecure.

00;33;29;02 - 00;33;56;25
Christina
Yeah, yes. So I think getting comfortable, spending time by yourself, finding all the things, you know, you think of the runaway bride, that movie Runaway Bride and Julia Roberts character, she she was engaged so many different times. And when the reporter went back and look, they said, well, how do you like your eggs? And she was like they said, well, like she does go well, scrambled and every time.

00;33;56;25 - 00;34;26;27
Christina
And then the other guy was like, well, she likes her eggs over easy. And so what it showed is that she was changing every time this partner came into her life, she would switch what they were doing. She didn't really know herself and what she liked. And so take some time in this process to figure out what it is that you like, because how are you going to know when somebody else comes into your world like, oh, wow, this person really likes to go hiking,

00;34;27;07 - 00;34;49;24
Christina
And I really like to sit at home and read books and that, and if you don't know that, then you're going to be resentful when this person wants to go hiking all the time and. You're, you know, so know yourself, I think is spend that time getting to know yourself and loving yourself and hey, date yourself, you know, take yourself out to do all of the fun things that you like to do.

00;34;49;24 - 00;34;54;03
Christina
So, you know, all of those things before you come into a new relationship.

00;34;54;15 - 00;34;58;03
Meghan
Figure out how you like your eggs.

00;34;58;03 - 00;35;28;11
Christina
Yes. Also, I think are you mentally available to date? Is is something to consider in that have you processed? You're never going to completely, you know, you are going to process for the rest of your life the loss of a partner. And it does not mean, and we will talk about this a little bit more in the next episode, but dating does not mean that you're over your your late spouse, your late partner.

00;35;29;01 - 00;35;53;25
Christina
It it means, it is a very complex situation. It is very messy. And in the next episode, like I said, we're going to get a little bit more into this. But it is brave to be able to do this. It takes a lot of courage to enter into this. And I think the work that if you're ready and you've laid the foundation that you have, is that

00;35;53;27 - 00;35;55;23
Christina
Laura McInerney talks about

00;35;55;24 - 00;35;57;06
Meghan
Nora McInerney.

00;35;57;06 - 00;36;25;06
Christina
Nora. Thank you, Nora. Nora talks about in her talk this idea that you don't get over your spouse. You learn to carry that with you. And I really I truly believe that we have this infinite capacity for love and that every time, you know, a new person comes into your life as far as like a new child, a new grandchild, a friend, you have space to love that person and care for that person in your circle.

00;36;25;06 - 00;36;45;07
Christina
There's not like a limit. There's not like I can have five people in my circle. It's not like that. And so you can still it's are you ready to be able to hold space for the spouse that you love and a new person in your life? Are you? It's almost like it takes some strength. It takes some character.

00;36;45;25 - 00;37;03;02
Christina
It takes you doing the work to be able to be in that space. And so when you're asking yourself that, think about, am I mentally ready to date or am I just going to come into this? And I don't I don't want to to be processing my loss with someone, that's not fair to them.

00;37;03;02 - 00;37;03;14
Meghan
It's not fair.

00;37;03;14 - 00;37;08;22
Christina
So, yeah. Yeah. So ask yourself, you know, are you ready?

00;37;09;00 - 00;37;28;23
Meghan
Are you ready to be vulnerable with somebody? You've gone through something so hard and maybe you're already very vulnerable or you're still feeling vulnerable. Well, are you ready to be vulnerable with another person? Mm hmm. For me, it was no for a long time.

00;37;29;04 - 00;37;49;29
Christina
After you lose your spouse and we've talked about this a little about you're still processing a lot of things in your relationship and that person is not there to process them with you. And so sometimes when you get away, it's like, you can't see the forest for the trees. When you can step back and you look at stuff, you're reevaluating a lot of things.

00;37;49;29 - 00;38;14;28
Christina
And so there's some work that needs to be done before you get to the space, before you're ready to do this again. And so I really would want, you know, encourage you if you're listening and you're thinking about dating, give yourself this gift of, oh, just taking a few minutes, take 10 minutes and get out a piece of paper and ask yourself, Why do I want to date?

00;38;15;06 - 00;38;33;24
Christina
Ask yourself, am I am I ready? Have I done the work? You know, and maybe write down a few things like, Hey, I would really like to come to this a little bit healthier. Maybe I feel like I need a couple more months to really, you know, work through a couple of things, a counselor, and then maybe I'll be ready at that point.

00;38;33;24 - 00;38;49;29
Meghan
Yeah. And when you're thinking about why do I want to date if your answers are because I need someone to cook for me or because I don't know how to change the oil in my car or whatever. Those aren't good reasons.

00;38;49;29 - 00;38;51;12
Christina
No, no friends they're not.

00;38;51;13 - 00;39;34;11
Meghan
And also, I think it's important to recognize that you're not going to find a clone of your spouse. Whoever you wind up dating is a whole ass person on their own. You know, they have different likes and needs and wants. And so, you know, going back to that egg analogy, if your late spouse likes their eggs scrambled and your new partner wants their eggs overeasy, it's like that can feel jarring, that can feel like, wrong.

00;39;34;11 - 00;39;45;14
Meghan
But you just have to remember, this is a whole person, you know, it's not it's not what you're used to and it won't be. You are you are dating a whole different person. 

00;39;45;14 - 00;40;12;20
Christina
Yes. And if you go into it, looking at it that way and not looking, you know, as you're, you know, trying to replace your spouse and fill the void. And your partner may have brought some really cool gifts to the table. They may have come with some really cool features. And really, if you have your head on straight going into it, like, oh my gosh, can you imagine if that put put that shoe on the other foot and think about if somebody expected that out of you.

00;40;12;26 - 00;40;14;21
Christina
It would be heartbreaking.

00;40;14;21 - 00;40;19;22
Meghan
Yeah. I think that also you might struggle with PTSD.

00;40;19;22 - 00;40;20;20
Christina
Mm hmm.

00;40;21;06 - 00;40;33;28
Meghan
Having PTSD about losing a spouse is real. Absolutely real. You know, about going through it again or losing someone again.

00;40;33;29 - 00;40;59;29
Christina
Yes. I just had this conversation last night. As Meghan mentioned, we're both dating and we had this conversation last night. My boyfriend's name is Sean, so it'll be easier if I just tell you his name. But Sean had were that I had a different experience where I lost Michael suddenly. That was not his experience with his wife. And she had a long, you know, and an illness.

00;41;00;22 - 00;41;28;18
Christina
And I'll talk about that more in a few episodes. But for him, when I went, if you go back a few episodes and listen to me tell the funny story about ending up in the ER, it ended up funny, but it was scary at first, but for him, that was traumatic to me in the hospital. And so all of those things, when you have a partner, a new partner, somebody that you're dating, those are hard things.

00;41;28;18 - 00;41;51;09
Christina
And so life is hard enough as it is. Those are like, that's not something that, you know, there isn't something magic. And yes, you can work through PTSD and some of that stuff, but those are really hard things. So it's not going to be perfect. People are going to be different. But make sure that when you come to the table that you are as you're as healthy as you could possibly be because there are still hard things like that.

00;41;51;12 - 00;42;13;16
Christina
Seeing a partner in the hospital and having and it being scary for you. I know I went through and I believe you've mentioned this as well as like mentally in our heads as somebody who has experienced loss, such a great loss you role you play in your head like, okay, what if I lose this person? What if I lose my kids?

00;42;13;17 - 00;42;29;13
Christina
All of those types of things. So my encouragement would be do the work, make sure because you know that relationships are hard enough without you coming to the table, there's going to be some unavoidable things like PTSD that are going to crop up. And so, yeah, I agree.

00;42;29;13 - 00;42;52;13
Meghan
And when you say do the work, that means work through issues that you have with a counselor or maybe you're journaling, maybe you are just reaching for joy and figuring things out as you go. But as long as you are putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward, not necessarily moving on, but moving forward.

00;42;52;13 - 00;42;53;04
Christina
Exactly.

00;42;53;21 - 00;42;58;11
Meghan
That is doing the work. So it's necessarily going to a therapist.

00;42;58;11 - 00;43;00;16
Christina
Exactly. It could be a grief group.

00;43;00;16 - 00;43;30;07
Meghan
Yeah. Or it could be processing yourself. You know, it doesn't it doesn't have to be it doesn't have to be that and it doesn't have to be a big, scary monster. But it's just important to do that work. Figure out why you want to date what you want in a partner and in life, you know, and then becoming the best version of yourself on your own, being happy on your own before you jump into another relationship.

00;43;30;07 - 00;43;41;17
Meghan
Because like Christina said, it's hard enough, life is hard enough, and relationships are hard enough without bringing those extra difficulties that you can solve ahead of time.

00;43;41;17 - 00;43;43;24
Christina
Yes. Bring your whole ass self to the table.

00;43;43;24 - 00;43;49;12
Meghan
Your whole ass self, not your half ass. You want to put your whole ass into it.

00;43;50;12 - 00;44;28;20
Christina
Exactly. On our next episode, we are going to be talking about the tricky dynamics of dating after a loss. You have, you may have children that are part of this process that are still at home. You have adult children, you have your own feelings about it. Maybe they have children, your support system, your community. If are a child of a parent who has experienced loss and you are watching your parent date, I encourage you, you know, listen to the next episode because I'm going to talk about our experience as a family.

00;44;29;15 - 00;44;49;27
Christina
I have two adult children that were young adults when they lost their their dad and I started dating 17 months later. So we're going to talk about some of that. And I just personally want to say that as far as you know, we're going to talk about judging people who are dating. My theory is you don't get to judge somebody who's dating after they lost their spouse unless, you know, they murdered their spouse.

00;44;50;10 - 00;44;58;21
Christina
Then you get to judge. But other than that, you don't get to judge. You just need to be a good support system. And so we're going to talk about that on the next episode. 

00;44;58;21 - 00;45;00;25
Meghan
Yeah. Do you have anything else to add to this episode?

00;45;00;25 - 00;45;22;03
Christina
Not an episode, but just to say thank you. Thank you all for listening and being supportive. If you like our podcast and you want to support the work of this podcast, you can go to our web page and in our show notes you will find it's called Buy Me a Coffee. You can buy Meghan - you can actually literally by Meghan and I a cup of coffee.

00;45;22;12 - 00;45;25;22
Christina
And so click the link there to buy us a coffee.

00;45;25;22 - 00;45;44;18
Meghan
And you can always subscribe to our podcast and leave a review that helps other people find us. So we appreciate it. We're so happy you're here. Thank you for listening. And whether you're cup is empty, half full or overflowing, raise it up. Here's to the craziness of life after loss. Cheers

00;45;44;22 - 00;45;47;11
Christina
Cheers.

00;45;47;11 - 00;46;04;14
Meghan
Thank you so much for being here with us. Please subscribe to our podcast if you found it helpful and you can also find us on social media, on Instagram, @fullcupclubpodcast, and if you search Full Club Club podcast on Facebook. Again, thanks friends and we'll see you next time.