Full Cup Club Podcast - Getting Back Up After Getting Knocked Down With Grief

20 - Positives of Grief and Post-Traumatic Growth

June 07, 2022 Full Cup Club
Full Cup Club Podcast - Getting Back Up After Getting Knocked Down With Grief
20 - Positives of Grief and Post-Traumatic Growth
Show Notes Transcript

In this episode Christina and Meghan talk about the positives in their lives and the growth they have experienced since their husbands died. 

Meghan talked about this quote from Michell Obama:
But Obama offered a "secret" to young women everywhere: "I have been at probably every powerful table that you can think of, I have worked at nonprofits, I have been at foundations, I have worked in corporations, served on corporate boards, I have been at G-summits, I have sat in at the U.N.: They are not that smart." - Michelle Obama, Newsweek

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00;00;00;09 - 00;00;29;00
Meghan
So it's the end of the school year and I got to go to my son's school and speak for career day. I have never gotten to do that before, but I got to go up to his school and talk about what you know, how I became an artist, what I do as a graphic designer, what I do as an illustrator, how I transitioned from painting, you know, murals and stuff.

00;00;29;21 - 00;00;42;26
Meghan
All the way since high school. And then like how, you know, I kind of got into graphic design and stuff. It was so cool to to talk to his class and they had all these questions, and it was really fun.

00;00;43;01 - 00;00;46;01
Christina
What was the most interesting question a small child asked you?

00;00;46;23 - 00;00;59;27
Meghan
They asked if I ever failed, like if I failed before I was successful and then career and the answer my friends as yes, about 700 times.

00;01;00;05 - 00;01;01;25
Christina
That is so cool.

00;01;01;26 - 00;01;04;02
Meghan
Yeah, I thought it was a good question because.

00;01;04;02 - 00;01;23;02
Christina
That means that they're teaching children about failure and that failure is OK. And, and we know that about people who have been successful is that their failures are so important. They, they mark those as very important milestones in their career. Gosh, I love hearing that. That the child wanted to know about your failures. Wow. That's awesome.

00;01;23;03 - 00;01;28;15
Meghan
Yeah, it was great to rehash that. No, I'm just kidding. It was never really.

00;01;28;15 - 00;01;29;11
Christina
Won the quarter.

00;01;30;09 - 00;01;36;10
Meghan
It really was a great question. Yeah, I thought that was really cool, too, for that same reason. Hi, I'm Meghan.

00;01;36;10 - 00;01;40;01
Christina
And I'm Christina. And this is the Fall Cup Club podcast.

00;01;40;15 - 00;01;49;22
Meghan
We're here to talk through the good, the bad and the ugly of loss, whether that's losing a loved one, a job, a dream, or even your marbles.

00;01;50;15 - 00;02;01;22
Christina
So whether your cup has coffee, tea, or vodka in it. Welcome to the Fall Cup Club. Friends on today's episode, we are going to talk about the positives of grief.

00;02;02;24 - 00;02;05;28
Meghan
Do you mean the perks? Not the perks and benefits.

00;02;06;04 - 00;02;30;22
Christina
For the benefits no. We are not talking about. We're not talking about. I don't know. We're not talking about like. Oh, like, this is, you know, I'm single now or something. We're not looking at it in that type of light. We're not, you know, I know I've said stuff about waking up and there are no dishes in the sink, but no, we're talking about the positives that have come out of our grief and our loss.

00;02;31;07 - 00;02;42;17
Christina
We have experienced post traumatic growth. And if you're not familiar with that, we're going to talk about that today. And but before we get started, Megan, what are you drinking today? What's in your cup?

00;02;42;18 - 00;02;48;25
Meghan
I have a new fizzy water today. Do you ever do online orders, you know, at your grocery store and then you go pick it up?

00;02;49;02 - 00;02;50;09
Christina
Yes, yes, yes.

00;02;50;09 - 00;03;09;29
Meghan
Right. Well, sometimes they don't have the item, so they'll substitute something. OK, so I wanted to order pineapple flavored fizzy water. I love pineapple, so I thought it might be good. I also thought it might be weird, you know, but I've never had it. Let's try it. Well, they didn't have that one, so they substituted pina colada flavored fizzy water.

00;03;10;11 - 00;03;22;11
Meghan
The brand is a Lani, and I'm going to try it. So it's like pineapple and coconut because that's what a pina colada is. But it's just it's just it's just sparkling water. No calories, no sugar, no nothing.

00;03;22;28 - 00;03;31;20
Christina
So this is where we need to be on YouTube so that people can.

00;03;35;09 - 00;04;10;22
Meghan
I think that maybe this brand has better flavors. Oh, maybe this was not a winner. OK, it tastes like bug spray. Oh, it's got like a chemical to it smells fantastic. It smells so good. It smells like a boat drink. But it tastes like essential oils. It tastes like if you lick an air freshener and, you know, no shade to this brand.

00;04;10;22 - 00;04;29;12
Meghan
I don't know anything about this brand when I was trying to order a different brand. So this is a whole new experience. I've never had any of their other flavors. And I think I need to go back to this brand, this brand, and try like a lime or a grapefruit and see. But yeah, this is not great. And that is my opinion and I do not recommend it.

00;04;29;20 - 00;04;30;22
Meghan
What are you drinking?

00;04;31;05 - 00;04;47;15
Christina
OK, so in honor of the fact that I am in the great state of Texas, still and in honor of you and your static water, OK, I am drinking. I don't know if you've heard of this, OK, but it's Ranch Rider are you familiar with Ranch Rider?

00;04;47;28 - 00;04;49;27
Meghan
I've heard of Ranch Water.

00;04;50;00 - 00;04;54;02
Christina
No, this is a ranch. Nope. This is Ranch Rider. I'm going to.

00;04;54;02 - 00;04;59;05
Meghan
Open. OK, no, I don't know what that is. And take a little sip. I hope it's better than mine.

00;04;59;13 - 00;05;00;04
Christina
I hope it is.

00;05;00;04 - 00;05;01;05
Meghan
To your benefit.

00;05;01;05 - 00;05;15;13
Christina
But let me just tell you, it has sparkling water which we know how I feel about that. But this might change my heart. Real ginger and real lime. But here's the kicker. Here's the kicker. It has vodka in it.

00;05;15;29 - 00;05;18;19
Meghan
Oh, yum. It's like a Moscow mule of.

00;05;18;28 - 00;05;28;02
Christina
Yes, I'm going to taste it, and we'll see if the fact that there's vodka never changes my heart about the the water OK? Oh, Frank, you need to go get these.

00;05;28;05 - 00;05;33;26
Meghan
It's good. That is. Yeah, it sounds good. I like Moscow mules, but they're sometimes too sweet with the ginger beer.

00;05;33;26 - 00;05;34;22
Christina
So that ginger.

00;05;34;22 - 00;05;39;24
Meghan
Is like sparkling water with some ginger and lime, so that would take away some of the sweetness.

00;05;39;24 - 00;05;43;17
Christina
Wow. That is the best sparkling water I have had. Like I.

00;05;43;18 - 00;05;45;07
Meghan
Well, yeah, it has vodka in it.

00;05;46;04 - 00;06;09;25
Christina
I can't taste the vodka, but maybe that's the thing. That is it. The vodka, isn't it? Wow, that is tasty. 119 calories it's. And then 0.8 grams of sugar is gluten free. It's tasty. OK, so on today's episode, we are going to be talking about the positives of grief or to put it a little bit more fairly post-traumatic growth.

00;06;09;25 - 00;06;51;18
Christina
And so we hear a lot about post-traumatic stress, but post-traumatic growth is this idea that actually it is. It's a thing that you grow a lot of times out of your trauma. You can experience growth and then also there are some things that because you've experienced this trauma, you begin to live very differently. And so you're going to hear about the things in our life that we have experienced since the loss of our spouse, where we have grown, where we have learned to live differently or we have learned to love differently, our views on things have changed.

00;06;51;18 - 00;06;57;01
Christina
And so, yeah. So Megan, why don't you kick us off? What are some things that you have grown?

00;06;58;16 - 00;07;24;25
Meghan
So I think that I, I've said this before, but I feel like an entirely different person because of the amount of growth and change that I've gone through as a person. I think one thing I am so much better at is setting boundaries and not people pleasing as much. I, I do still kind of fall into the people pleasing sometimes just by force of habit, by who I am as a person.

00;07;25;21 - 00;07;59;05
Meghan
But I am definitely better about setting those boundaries, like whether it's not letting people, not giving certain people access to me at any given time or you know, just recognizing when I need what I need and when I need it. So if it's like alone time or space, being able to say to the people close to me that I see all the time, like, hey, or like with my son, like, hey, I just need, you know, 30 minutes to myself right now.

00;07;59;11 - 00;08;15;24
Meghan
And then let's talk about Fortnite. Or whatever, you know, and then we'll go out for you. But I just need to be in silence for 30 minutes, and then we'll do that. So just, just I think that I am better at setting those boundaries.

00;08;15;24 - 00;08;28;09
Christina
Absolutely. And you are not the only what I have heard that from were that it's like the people that they give access to them is greatly reduced. That was for me right off the bat. I absolutely agree with you.

00;08;28;13 - 00;08;32;09
Meghan
You had that sign on your door. I said, Nah, nah, don't come over.

00;08;32;12 - 00;08;49;04
Christina
Yeah. I had people that I was really close to that. Like they said like six months later, like I saw the sign on her. The sign was on my front door for I believe about ten months. It said, like, I don't even remember what it said at this point. I wish I would have taken a picture of it, but I had a sign that was just like, Do not disturb.

00;08;49;04 - 00;09;16;20
Christina
I think it's just said, Do not disturb and really limited the people who came into our home, who had access to us. I really locked that down very quickly. And there were people that I hung up on that called that really didn't have business calling people who showed up at my home that I was like, Nope, that happened rather quickly.

00;09;16;20 - 00;09;41;06
Christina
And so for me that it was just a huge thing because prior to six months prior, actually, I'm sorry, a year prior to my passing, I was a pastor on staff and so people had a lot more access to me, pretty much 24 hours. I mean, they definitely had office hours. But, you know, if somebody calls you in the middle of the night, you're going to answer the phone.

00;09;41;06 - 00;10;00;09
Christina
They could be in the hospital, whatever that looks like. And so for me and that time, there were people reaching out where it was just like, no, like I can't do this. And people respected that. But yes, definitely you started thinking about who do you want as time goes on? Who do you want in your life? Are they adding to your life or are they subtracting?

00;10;00;09 - 00;10;24;29
Christina
Are they bringing energy into your space? Are they like sucking the energy out of you? Those are things that were really important for me during that time to examine. I loved that. At one point you said to me about people, if you're not adding value, you're not welcome here. And I loved when you said that. Like, I literally just went back into my notes and looked at that.

00;10;25;29 - 00;10;47;06
Christina
And because you realize you start you view time very differently after you lose someone you recognize. I think before that, you think like, we're going to live to be, you know, 90 something years old. And, you know, I'll be surrounded by my children and my grandchildren and I'll be, you know, laying there and, you know, as I pass, I'll be surrounded.

00;10;47;06 - 00;11;00;11
Christina
And then you realize like, no, that is not always reality. And so you live very differently and you're like, No, my time is precious. This could be my last day. So yes, if you're not adding value, you're not welcome.

00;11;00;16 - 00;11;25;01
Meghan
Exactly. So yeah, better at boundaries. And also and I think this goes hand in hand, but I'm not out here to people please. Anymore. Like, you know, if, if I tell you that I'm not willing to do something, then that's it. That's the end you know, whether when it's like comes to a job or I'm not available on certain days or whatever, like, sorry, that's a new problem.

00;11;25;09 - 00;11;53;21
Meghan
I told you my my thing, you know. Yes. I think that I also am very confident in my capability of doing things around the house now, four years out from losing Jason, I have now. It's like something will happen in the house right now. I have a light switch that is not working that I need to replace and I know I can do it.

00;11;53;21 - 00;12;16;24
Meghan
Electricity does still make me a little bit nervous. Not going to lie but it's like, you know, little things like that happen. Garbage disposal goes out, right? It's like, OK, well, I mean, I'm not excited about adding it to my to do list. But I am confident that I can handle. And that has just come with time and and having to do all of these things on my own after he died.

00;12;17;01 - 00;12;40;23
Christina
Yeah, I definitely feel like you find out what you're made of when you go through something really hard and you find out, you know, how much great you have the determination and all of that. The other day I went out and Michael had put this plan together and he was very much I think I've mentioned this before, it was more about function, not form.

00;12;41;03 - 00;13;05;17
Christina
And it looks questionable, but it works. And my pump went out on my pond and I went out there and I was just like my dad had told me, you know, just order the identical pond pump and so I did that and I went out there and I, I was able to replace it, I think before there was almost like this imaginary barrier between what he did and what I did around the house.

00;13;05;26 - 00;13;09;03
Christina
And now it's just kind of like pushing through. It's almost like this.

00;13;09;03 - 00;13;09;18
Meghan
Wall.

00;13;09;18 - 00;13;20;21
Christina
This, you know, so wall that's there that you just kind of built that yourself. It wasn't actually real. And you realize, like, if you just barely tap it, that wall is going to fall over. You're very, very capable.

00;13;20;22 - 00;13;48;28
Meghan
There is a there's a Michelle Obama quote. How did she feel? Confident that sitting in a room with all of these high power men or whatever. And she said, and I'm going to I'm going to get it wrong. But she said, well, once I sat at the table, I realized they're not that smart. So it was like, you know, from the outside looking, looking at whatever your your person was doing, you just you don't have the experience because you weren't doing it.

00;13;49;04 - 00;14;02;03
Meghan
When you sit there and you're actually in the conversation, you're actually replacing the pond pump. You're like, oh, well, this wasn't hard. Why was I freaking out? Why why did I think I couldn't do this?

00;14;04;13 - 00;14;10;29
Christina
Yeah, so that that is been a big thing is finding out what I'm made of and then I'm capable, too, so.

00;14;10;29 - 00;14;45;08
Meghan
Yeah. Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah, I love that. It's almost, like, kind of I don't know, it's just growth. Like you said, it's post traumatic growth, and in a way, you maybe wouldn't expect you know, just kind of thrown into it. But but yeah, I also would say, and I don't know that I would call this growth because my son and I have always been pretty close, but I think we have gotten closer just given that we spend so much time together, and particularly with the pandemic when he was doing school at home to so he was just always home.

00;14;45;08 - 00;15;11;00
Meghan
And so we we spend a lot of time together. We he he, you know, always comes to me like I made a joke about OK, I need 30 minutes before we talk about Fortinet again, because that that joke was born of reality. Yeah, it is. It is constant but we we recently did this cool thing where he wanted an Apple Watch for, I don't know, whatever reason.

00;15;11;17 - 00;15;34;17
Meghan
And so I said, OK, well, he has a little cheapie little watch that tracks her steps. And I said, OK, well, if you can walk 10,000 steps a day every day for six months, you can. I'll get you an Apple Watch. And he said, OK. And so that's step challenge just ended the challenge that we just did between the two of us and just ended.

00;15;34;17 - 00;15;55;17
Meghan
And he decided he doesn't really need an Apple Watch, doesn't really want that. He's not excited about it anymore. He likes his little watch. Like no big deal does OK, cool. What he wants now is a trampoline. But but so we just you know, we're just wrapping up this step challenge and I'm so proud of him. I mean, that is real dedication.

00;15;55;17 - 00;15;59;18
Meghan
Six months for an elementary age kid. That's amazing.

00;16;00;14 - 00;16;03;26
Christina
That that takes him right there. That definitely. Yeah.

00;16;03;26 - 00;16;14;12
Meghan
Right. So yeah, so he's worked really hard. And so now I'm thinking, OK, I want to do like closing ceremonies for this challenge, right? Like the Olympics. You know, I bought medals for both of us.

00;16;14;15 - 00;16;15;17
Christina
I love it. I love.

00;16;15;17 - 00;16;29;25
Meghan
That. So just so I'm thinking, I'm not I haven't fully planned it out in my head, but I'm thinking I might, like, wake him up, like with the Olympic music, you know what I mean? Yeah.

00;16;30;29 - 00;16;37;27
Christina
You were a child of the eighties, you know that music because you played Olympic Games on your Commodore. 64, baby.

00;16;38;06 - 00;16;38;21
Meghan
Yes.

00;16;40;12 - 00;16;46;20
Christina
I know. Yes, I know the Canada. Oh, Canada. I know those from being a kid and playing like. Yeah.

00;16;47;00 - 00;16;54;21
Meghan
From video games. Yes. So I'm like, do I get like a like a head, like, what are those called? Like a flower halo thing? Yes.

00;16;55;07 - 00;16;58;18
Christina
Yes, I Clark crown. Oh, my flower crown.

00;16;58;18 - 00;17;04;06
Meghan
Yeah. So get one of those. Do I give him a bouquet of flowers while I put the medal around his neck?

00;17;04;13 - 00;17;11;10
Christina
That's awesome. I love it. I love it. So, yeah, will there be flags that come down from the ceiling? Yeah, that's what I want to know.

00;17;11;13 - 00;17;21;14
Meghan
Right? What would be on the flag? It can't be like a country flag because we're both like, it would have to be like a very specific flag. It'll just be a piece of paper with, like, a drawing on it, but just like.

00;17;22;22 - 00;17;23;11
Christina
That's nice.

00;17;24;23 - 00;17;41;14
Meghan
So, yeah, so, so anyway, we do, we do fun things. Like that. And, and yeah, we have just definitely just grown closer. You know, we both lived through that loss, right? So he lost his stepdad. And so we have, we've gotten closer.

00;17;41;23 - 00;18;08;08
Christina
And I think there's a lot more intentionality with my kids and our relationships. And I mentioned this before. I like doing the things with that individual child that means something to to that child. It wouldn't necessarily maybe translate to you know, someone else. But figuring out those things for each of my kids that has been a positive that has come out of it is I'm more intentional even as they're adults.

00;18;08;08 - 00;18;28;26
Christina
I was very intentional about building relationships when they were little, but even more so as adults and really, you know, fine tuning that into we just my kids and I, one of the things we did are my daughter lives in Texas. My son lives in Oregon. And so we found Disney Plus had come out after you know, a few months after Michael passed.

00;18;29;08 - 00;18;52;08
Christina
And eventually they came out with the thing that you could watch, you could all watch together. And so we would set a time each week and we would watch like one division or the other one where it was like the parallel universes. We we watched a lot of things like that. Like we were intentional over the miles to connect.

00;18;52;08 - 00;18;55;02
Christina
And so, yes, that was a positive that came out of that.

00;18;55;11 - 00;18;58;16
Meghan
Yeah. Yeah, that's great. One division was awesome.

00;18;58;16 - 00;19;06;06
Christina
It was. And it's very important if you go to see Doctor Strange too, that you you watch that. Just as a side note, if you're a nerd.

00;19;06;08 - 00;19;21;06
Meghan
In our last episode, we talk about we talked about emotional triggers. I would say it might be triggering if you have lost your spouse. One division. Oh yeah. Would you would you agree? Yeah, definitely. We should have said that in the last episode.

00;19;21;13 - 00;19;25;14
Christina
Yeah, that's true. That's true. But still worth watching if you are.

00;19;25;25 - 00;19;26;14
Meghan
It was very.

00;19;26;14 - 00;19;30;28
Christina
Good. Yeah, it was very good. It was very good. And so it's Loki also.

00;19;31;10 - 00;19;32;24
Meghan
Sorry. Mm hmm.

00;19;34;11 - 00;19;54;08
Christina
All of these, they're so good. I can't wait for the next one to come out, so. Yeah, yeah, good stuff. But yeah, definitely a good way to connect. Like, what are the movies your child likes to watch? Or what are the things? Like, my daughter and I did specific, like, experiences together after Michael passed, like figuring out with each kid.

00;19;54;08 - 00;19;56;12
Christina
What does that look like? So, yeah, yeah.

00;19;56;12 - 00;20;06;12
Meghan
You have talked about that before where you were. You said your daughter likes experiences, but your son prefers like watching a movie together, like quality time. He watched all the Marvel movies. Yeah.

00;20;06;15 - 00;20;33;12
Christina
Yes, we did all of that. Another thing for me is being clear about what I want in life. I think that was something that very much changes because you get very focused. You realize how precious time is like we said earlier. Yeah, but one of the things I was chatting with my sister about this, I sent a message to my sister the other day that I, I had met a young man he was helping me.

00;20;33;12 - 00;20;38;10
Christina
I bought a generator, a big girl thing. I bought a generator the other day and like.

00;20;38;10 - 00;20;39;07
Meghan
A power generator.

00;20;39;07 - 00;21;00;13
Christina
Like a, like a legit 3000 Honda generator. Like, I could, I could power a washing machine with this puppy and so very adult thing. And I live in the Pacific Northwest. If we get cut off from resource, you know, from power, that type of thing, I wouldn't have a way to to do that. So. And he was helping.

00;21;00;14 - 00;21;21;14
Christina
He was helping me and showing me how to use the generator and that type of thing. And I just recognize that this young man, have you ever met someone that they just stand out like a sore thumb? You're like, this person is going places, they're they're going to rise to the top. And I recognized that that was me when I was younger.

00;21;21;22 - 00;21;42;26
Christina
And people would come along in my life and they would say, hey, we want you to come and work for us. And so I would go work for that person. And it took me a lot of years to get very clear on people will have their agendas for you in your life. They will see your gifts and talents and they will come along and they will say, Hey, I want you on my team.

00;21;42;26 - 00;22;05;20
Christina
And you're just so like, if nobody's explain this to you, you're super like flattered. And then you go and do what that person wants you to do with your gifts and talents. In their particular business or whatever that looks like organization. And so I think that, you know, I know I won't say I think that after Michael died, I became very clear on the fact am people want those things from themselves.

00;22;05;20 - 00;22;31;10
Christina
And it's like but knowing what are my goals? And so when someone would come along and say, hey, I think that you should go to work for this company, like I work for this company, like this is like, you would be great for the management team, that type of thing. It's like yeah, but that's not my goal. Became very, very clear on what my goals were and, and, and very clear on nope, that does not fit into what my goals are.

00;22;31;10 - 00;22;51;25
Christina
And so that was something for me that just, you know, like this laser focus of, hey, I want to graduate, I want to finish this degree I want to do these certain things that are other goals in my life, and those don't line up. And so, no, thank you, I, I really, you know, appreciate being considered for this.

00;22;51;25 - 00;22;56;25
Christina
However, that's not what I want to do. So that was for me something.

00;22;56;28 - 00;23;17;07
Meghan
Yeah, I would agree with that too. I think it's just it comes with the territory of realizing your days are numbered. Mm hmm. You know, it's you. So if you don't do the things that you want to do, you might not get to. Mm hmm. Yes. Mm hmm. That also comes with less people pleasing to better boundary. It's like it's just this.

00;23;18;10 - 00;23;26;23
Meghan
You just have this, you know, you have run out of F's to give. This is true, right? Fresh.

00;23;26;28 - 00;23;49;25
Christina
Very true. So I have this shine that is in my kitchen. I actually had purchased this before Michael passed, and I saw it and thought, I have to have this. And so it became way more important after he died. And it says, this is the beginning of a new day. You've been given this day to use as you will, you can waste it or you can use it for good.

00;23;50;09 - 00;24;23;02
Christina
What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever. And its place is something that you left behind. Let it be something good. This has been so important in my life that, you know, even throughout the day, thinking of that, that if this were my last day, this is another positive thing that's coming come out of grief is that I live so differently that sometimes halfway through the day, I will think, man, if today was my last day, would I be happy with how this morning has gone?

00;24;23;17 - 00;24;46;10
Christina
You know, did I spend this morning being upset about something or did I, you know, put something good into the world? Was I positive? Was I negative this morning? OK, hey, let's stop and reevaluate what I've done. Today are the goals. Am I staying on track with my my goals and what I want in my loving people and well, am I doing all of those things?

00;24;46;10 - 00;25;12;02
Christina
And so looking at it as this day is a gift, this day that we have right here is a gift. And are you you know, if this is the day you left behind, if your family remember this day, if this was the last day, like, what would they remember about this day? And so I really you know, it was a funny thing talking about, you know, landing in the air and, you know, finding out I was high.

00;25;12;12 - 00;25;29;04
Christina
We talked about that a couple of episodes ago. As funny as that is, I really did have that experience and just sitting there and evaluating, like, if I am having a stroke, if there is something really wrong with me, like, no, all of my ducks are is in a row. Is I can keep them. I have good relationships.

00;25;29;04 - 00;25;40;04
Christina
And so that has been this like really I don't know how to put it. It's the positives out of grief that and loss that I have experienced.

00;25;40;05 - 00;25;42;15
Meghan
Yeah. It's like, you know better. So you do better. Hmm.

00;25;42;24 - 00;25;43;12
Christina
Yes. Right.

00;25;44;09 - 00;26;20;15
Meghan
Yep. I, I love that. I, I have also definitely thought more about what I want to do with my life and my time. I turned down projects that aren't going to serve me, you know, if I'm not vibing with you as a person. If, if this, if the, you know, initial conversation ends has me feeling like you're going to take advantage or be really difficult to work with or whatever, then it's not a job I'm going to take, you know, I don't have time to to manage that energy.

00;26;20;24 - 00;26;21;15
Christina
Mm hmm.

00;26;21;20 - 00;26;23;16
Meghan
You know, well, you know, my job.

00;26;23;18 - 00;26;33;02
Christina
You recognize it's not your job. To manage someone else's feelings, emotions, whatever that is. Yes. That's definitely another clarity that comes with this.

00;26;33;20 - 00;27;01;08
Meghan
Yep. So an example of that is recently I so I do I do graphic design. We talked about that, and somebody reached out to me for a project and lowballed me like my a long shot on the amount they were willing to spend doing, you know, good, good design cost something. You can't you can't get good design for pennies, you know, so I mean, I've been doing this for so long that I'm just I have leveled up to where I charge more.

00;27;02;21 - 00;27;27;10
Meghan
So so anyway, they lowballed me and I said, oh, no, this is the price in the end, like, I didn't even apologize. I said, no, it will be this. It will cost as much. I phrased it in a different way. I just but I did not apologize and that I did that on purpose. And they responded and said, Oh, well, we're actually only looking to spend this much I said, OK, buy like, what do you want?

00;27;28;03 - 00;27;37;09
Meghan
You know, this is this is not something that I mean, this is my livelihood. I can't yeah. Did that pennies you know? So yeah, if you want good design, you got to pay for it.

00;27;37;21 - 00;28;05;00
Christina
Mm hmm. I love that Jen hat maker. One of the things I remember her saying in the past was this thing of If it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no. Like, if your immediate reaction in a situation is not hell, yes, I want to do that. I want to be there. If you're hemming and hawing about something like that is one thing that has changed in my life is that it's just like I recognize, like, if I'm like, oh, I mean, then it's like, no, that's a no.

00;28;05;08 - 00;28;32;10
Christina
That's a no. It should be like, yes, I want to do this. I want to bring this into my life. Yes, I want to be there. Yeah. And so, yeah, I think that's a really good piece of clarity positive that comes out of this is knowing your worth and your value and what you're allowing into your life and what is just like, no, I, I understand now that this is precious and I get this one precious life, so.

00;28;32;10 - 00;28;55;26
Meghan
Yes. Mm hmm. Yep. I agree. So those are a lot of positive changes for sure. I've also I've also slowed down quite a bit. I don't yeah. I don't try to do a bajillion things at once. You know, I really try to focus on one or two things that I'm working on right as far as like big general things.

00;28;55;26 - 00;29;25;27
Meghan
I'm not working 50 hours doing a side hustle go into soccer practice, you know, doing grad school, you know, I'm not doing all of that. It's like I want to have alone time, free time, time where I just chill out. I want to lay by the pool and read a book. I want to be the Divine Beasts and Legends of Zelda, Breath of the Wild, which is the video game I am currently playing when we so I talked about the step challenge that my son and I did, right?

00;29;25;27 - 00;29;42;04
Meghan
So we put our treadmill in the living room and now we can walk while we watch. Well, he likes to watch YouTube while he walks, but I like to play video games so my mind is occupied more, you know, so I'm not noticing the exercise.

00;29;43;00 - 00;29;46;01
Christina
So I like that distracted.

00;29;46;17 - 00;30;05;02
Meghan
Right? So so I will be playing with the Nintendo switch. The controllers come off of it, you know, so you have one in each hand. And so I like to walk and play a video game. But so, you know, I want to do those things. I want to have time for me. I don't want to just be working and hustling and grinding.

00;30;05;02 - 00;30;17;17
Meghan
I want to work just enough so that I can pay my bills and then have free time right. I don't know why am I going to grind so hard and just wither away? No, I'm.

00;30;17;25 - 00;30;41;24
Christina
Not fortunate because I, I feel like you're in your thirties and you, you, you got to learn that versus people who are in their, you know, fifties who are like, oh, my goodness, I've been working all of these years yeah. Now I'm sick and I'm not even going to get to make it to term. And so it is this really awful, you know, odd gift that you get when you lose somebody young.

00;30;42;02 - 00;31;02;11
Meghan
And it's not that I'm lazy. I am willing to work. It's that I am not willing to work overtime. No, I mean, unless I need the money or whatever, you know, I but I'm prioritizing my yes. My own time, you know, and that is something I did not do before. Jason died. You know, I, I didn't take that time for myself.

00;31;02;11 - 00;31;13;10
Meghan
I very much had the guilt associated with not being productive all the time. You know, yeah. So that's a positive change. I think that's healthier.

00;31;13;18 - 00;31;39;15
Christina
Yeah. I think, you know, and when you get stressed out about something and it's you know, you get overwhelmed and you've got all of those things going on. I think for me, I remember I was under a lot of stress from work you know, a year before Michael died and writing. When I left my position at that job, I wrote down, you know, will this matter a year from now?

00;31;39;22 - 00;32;09;27
Christina
Will these things matter? Yeah. And it was crazy to go back and find that note in my phone and go, holy cow, you know, I was under extreme stress. And to say like and to look a year later and realize, like, everything had changed. You know, I had lost Michael and it was just like, whoa. So if you are dealing with something, you know, just to say like, man, I'm running this rat race but like, is it worth it a year from now?

00;32;10;04 - 00;32;31;14
Christina
Will this art project that I'm stressing over with my child, will this matter a year from now? Hmm. It does really help you to put things in perspective. And I had to do that, you know, my last year of school and just say, come on. Like, is this really going to matter? You're writing this paper and you're so stressed out about it, but like one year from now, is this going to matter?

00;32;31;14 - 00;32;37;05
Christina
Ah, you know, don't don't stress so much. So that that piece of it as well has been a gift for me.

00;32;37;16 - 00;33;00;20
Meghan
Mm hmm. Yes. Yeah, same. I try to manage my stress. I do get stressed out sometimes, though. It's hard. Life's hard with the. Mm. The, you know, a school aged kid and running a business, being a parent, it's a lot. So I do get stressed out still sometimes, but I make a real effort to manage it. And in ways that I can, you know, just like, like everything we've talked about.

00;33;01;06 - 00;33;04;03
Meghan
Do you have any other positives that you've experienced?

00;33;04;08 - 00;33;27;28
Christina
I think when I look at friends who have lost someone now and I see the things that mean something to them, where you often see people who are better at saying, I love you, I, I know someone in my in town who lost their son. And you see a lot of times that Michelle will write love. You mean it?

00;33;28;11 - 00;34;01;09
Christina
Which is what her son Blaine would say a lot. And so and so I, I see that and I, that means something different. It hits differently when you have lost someone and you know how much that means to them, that same means. And so yes, I have a deeper understanding of even though I had lost my brother when we were younger, that now as an adult, having experienced that I have this deeper amount of empathy when someone has lost something.

00;34;01;16 - 00;34;05;15
Christina
And I feel like, yes, that is a positive that has come out of this.

00;34;05;15 - 00;34;38;08
Meghan
I would agree with that, too. I don't know if it's because I went through Jason dying or just it comes with age and maturity but yes, I definitely am more empathetic. I recognize those things, too. And it just it really hits me a lot harder. And I really I take a minute a lot of the time when I see something like that, somebody talking about the their loss, whoever it is, whatever it is, I just take a moment to think on it and just just be like, wow, that's that's so hard.

00;34;38;09 - 00;34;44;16
Meghan
I don't envy them for what they're going through. I've been through it and it's hard I.

00;34;44;16 - 00;35;22;07
Christina
Also, like I would say, too, like I have a different appreciation for watching people go through the process and watching them get back up I got to got to visit with a widow this last weekend and just to see her as she begins to put, you know, this new life together, it's just such a privilege that you get to watch people and you have a deeper understanding for and appreciation for the people who and the courage oh my goodness, the courage that it takes to build a new life.

00;35;22;12 - 00;35;44;00
Meghan
Yep. It's very brave to get back to back up when you have been knocked down so hard. I mean, it's really hard to just pick yourself back up from that it does. You're right. It takes a lot of courage. And I like watching that, too. All right. Well, the time has come. So whether your cup is empty, half full or overflowing, raise it up.

00;35;44;23 - 00;36;13;27
Meghan
Here's to the craziness of life after loss. Cheers. Cheers. As a reminder, if these episodes, if our podcast is helpful to you, if you laugh or if you cry, leave a review. It helps people find us. You can subscribe to our podcast, too. That just helps kind of put us on the map so other people can find us and also hopefully, hopefully benefit from at least one thing that we're saying.

00;36;14;10 - 00;36;19;13
Meghan
Yes, we appreciate that. We're so happy you're here. Thank you for listening and we'll see you next time.

00;36;21;25 - 00;36;38;26
Meghan
Thank you so much for being here with us. Please subscribe to our podcast if you found it helpful. And you can also find us on social media, on Instagram at Full Cup Club podcast. And if you search for Club Club podcast on Facebook again, thanks friends, and we'll see you next time.