18 - Graduation Season While Grieving

Graduating high school or college should be an exciting accomplishment, but when it's tinged with the loss of a loved one, it can sting. In this episode, Christina and Meghan share their experiences with commencement ceremonies for themselves and children and what they did to carry the memory of their loves ones through the season.

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Transcript

00;00;00;10 - 00;00;24;24
Meghan
So the other day I had something, like an issue, going on in my backyard. And I called my neighbor. I called come on, it's 2022. I texted my neighbor to see if they had had the same issue. And anyway, he came over and we wound up having to walk through my house to check something in the garage.

00;00;24;24 - 00;00;44;25
Meghan
And anyway, so we walked through my house, and these are people that don't really come in my house. We're neighbors, we're friendly, but we don't, like, hang out, you know? So we walk through my house, and every time somebody comes into my house, I don't live in a messy, cluttered house. But it does look like people live here, you know, particularly if you show up unannounced.

00;00;44;25 - 00;01;07;10
Meghan
And I have not, like, cleaned on purpose for people. So every time somebody comes to my house, I have gotten so where I always say, oh, pardon the mess, it always looks like this as opposed to like, oh, I'm sorry or like freaking out that it's not clean. I just say like, oh, yeah, it's messy. Like, usual. 

00;01;07;10 - 00;01;10;22
Christina
That's funny, I love it. Oh my gosh, that needs to be a sign.

00;01;10;25 - 00;01;12;27
Meghan
Pardon the mess. It always looks like this.

00;01;13;24 - 00;01;16;20
Christina
Or it could be a t shirt. Pardon the mess. I always look like this.

00;01;16;25 - 00;01;20;28
Meghan
Hi, I'm Meghan. 

00;01;20;28 - 00;01;24;06
Christina
And I'm Christina. And this is the Full Cup Club podcast.

00;01;24;20 - 00;01;33;27
Meghan
We're here to talk through the good, the bad, and the ugly of loss. Whether that's losing a loved one, a job, a dream, or even your marbles.

00;01;34;20 - 00;02;02;15
Christina
So whether your cup has coffee, tea, or vodka, in it. Welcome to the Full Cup Club. Friends, on today's episode, we are going to be chatting about graduation season and even wedding season. It's that time of year where students are graduating. Adults are graduating from college so we want to chat about that. But first, Meghan.

00;02;03;22 - 00;02;04;02
Meghan
mmhmm?

00;02;04;02 - 00;02;06;10
Christina
What static water are you drinking today?

00;02;06;26 - 00;02;33;04
Meghan
I have my San Pellegrino, which is my boujie brand, and it is lemon and lemon zest. I like that they call out the lemon zest. You know, it's not just lemon flavored water. It's lemon and lemon zest flavored water. OK, let's let's call it what it is. Right. It's very good. I like it. I like this brand. I have never had a bad one from San Pellegrino.

00;02;33;20 - 00;02;41;19
Christina
I mean when they're naming it, are they like somebody is like it tastes like lemon, and they're like but it also tastes like lemon zest. So, like, which and they're just like, let's go with. Right?

00;02;41;20 - 00;02;50;14
Meghan
Like, what's the what's the qualifier there? It tastes like lemon no, no, no, no, no. There's more to it. There's more to it.

00;02;51;15 - 00;02;53;11
Christina
Oh, my gosh. That's funny.

00;02;53;19 - 00;02;54;19
Meghan
What are you drinking today?

00;02;54;20 - 00;03;02;01
Christina
I am drinking a - I did the warm water again, but this week I did lime, and I like it. I like, if you 

00;03;02;29 - 00;03;11;27
Christina
were going to choose if somebody said, Meghan, which would you like to have a static water with lemon or some water with lime? Do you have a preference?

00;03;12;13 - 00;03;15;02
Meghan
Is there zest in it?

00;03;15;25 - 00;03;17;10
Christina
That's the deciding factor.

00;03;18;02 - 00;03;30;02
Meghan
No, I like lime flavored static water is my favorite just across the board. It's just this, I like this lemon one a lot. But but just a solid lime one. I like it the best.

00;03;30;02 - 00;03;39;06
Christina
I'm with you on that. Lime is my go-to. like if I put could put lime and if I could put cilantro in this water. I love lime cilantro rice.

00;03;39;06 - 00;03;43;14
Meghan
I love lime cilantro but not in a liquid.

00;03;43;20 - 00;03;45;18
Christina
I wonder if it would be tasty?

00;03;46;04 - 00;03;50;12
Meghan
I don't know. I've never had cilantro as part of a drink before.

00;03;51;05 - 00;03;52;22
Christina
Is cilantro in like a spicy drink?

00;03;52;22 - 00;04;06;24
Meghan
Is it a bloody Mary or something? I don't know. I don't like Bloody Mary, so I don't I don't really like tomato based beverages. Is V8 Is that still a thing? V8 vegetable Juice?

00;04;06;24 - 00;04;13;10
Christina
Yes, I did like that when I was little. My grandma would give me the little cans of V8 and I loved them.

00;04;14;11 - 00;04;15;07
Meghan
Oh, no thank you. What.

00;04;16;01 - 00;04;17;25
Christina
The little teensy cans, the kids cans.

00;04;17;26 - 00;04;31;07
Meghan
No I know, they were very cute. I remember the cans, but this was a trick. A cute can to just to just pull you in and then they just they just hit you with that nasty vegetable juice.

00;04;31;11 - 00;04;33;16
Christina
You guys, how funny. You know, I just learned 

00;04;34;01 - 00;04;41;19
Christina
I did not realize I mean, I had heard of this but didn't really understand. But not everybody can taste the same things. Did you know that?

00;04;42;16 - 00;04;49;25
Meghan
I did know that. I did. And it's so weird. I love it. Brains are so cool. 

00;04;50;10 - 00;05;02;26
Christina
Yeah. Genetically, we did that as part of our biology class. Where it's like some people are super tasters where they can taste all of these things. I was not one of them. I'm the person who likes cilantro. It does not taste like soap to me, so.

00;05;03;01 - 00;05;08;23
Meghan
It doesn't taste like soap to me either. I like it also. So is your beverage warm today?

00;05;09;01 - 00;05;10;20
Christina
It's warm. It's hot water.

00;05;10;20 - 00;05;19;11
Meghan
I am, I am sweating. I'm sitting here. I am sitting in my chair just like, I need to. I need to air out.

00;05;21;12 - 00;05;28;18
Christina
I'm sitting here with a warm beverage holding on to a warm beverage with an electric blanket on me. So if you can imagine that for a second.

00;05;28;18 - 00;05;39;12
Meghan
Oh my goodness. I just. I just had to turn off my desk fan to record this podcast because it was too loud. And I'm just now I'm just, like, sweating down my face.

00;05;41;17 - 00;05;45;23
Christina
Yeah. I'll be in the great state of Texas next week, so I will be sweating with you, my friend.

00;05;45;27 - 00;05;53;05
Meghan
Yep. I'm excited. I'm excited to, for you to experience the sunshine and stuff. 

00;05;53;06 - 00;06;03;17
Christina
Yeah, we're barely getting like, we've seen the sunshine a few times here in the Pacific Northwest. But yes, I'm going to Texas to get some sun, sunshine and maybe get to meet up with you.

00;06;04;08 - 00;06;07;08
Meghan
Maybe. Yeah, if we can figure out the schedule.

00;06;07;19 - 00;06;16;26
Christina
Oh, my gosh. For people who are listening we have been friends for over two years and we have only been in the same space physically for 2 hours one time.

00;06;17;07 - 00;06;22;04
Meghan
One time. And that was a challenge because that was like we had to really figure it out.

00;06;22;17 - 00;06;23;03
Christina
Because we were masked up.

00;06;23;06 - 00;06;26;22
Meghan
Yeah, because of C0VID and everything.

00;06;26;22 - 00;06;39;25
Christina
Yeah. So OK, on today's episode, we are chatting about graduation. Recently, I earned my associates degree.

00;06;40;08 - 00;06;41;12
Meghan
Yay! You did it.

00;06;42;11 - 00;06;56;27
Christina
This was a long journey that started when I was a senior in high school. I am 47 years old and I started my senior year of high school and my, I've shared this before that I didn't come home with a diploma, I came home with a baby.

00;06;59;04 - 00;07;20;17
Christina
And so, right before I graduated one semester before I graduated, I found out I was pregnant and so I went to work full time as a single parent supporting a brand new, beautiful little girl. And so I didn't finish my degree and decided about 12 years ago to go back to school and complete that and through that entire journey.

00;07;20;17 - 00;07;48;01
Christina
Michael was so awesome about cheering me on. I've never shared this, so this won't make sense because you'll be like, What? You were a single parent. Yes, I was a single parent. Michael was my daughter's dad. The only dad she ever knew that we married later, and so he was not her biological dad, but that was her dad. And so when I decided to return to school, 12 years ago, he cheered me on.

00;07;48;02 - 00;08;04;20
Christina
He would be the person to bring me, you know, dinner when I was studying in my office, things like that. So he cheered me on every step of the way. I know that there are some people that their spouse is not supportive of them returning to school and they would, you know, give them a bad time.

00;08;04;20 - 00;08;29;10
Christina
Michael never did that. He was amazing. And so, yeah, he cheered me on. And so that was, you know, something that I had to really sit with when I graduated last week. I graduated last Thursday and him not being there. And so, you know, I share with Meghan like, hey, like, this might be something that we can talk about because I know I'm not the only one going through that.

00;08;29;28 - 00;08;38;00
Christina
And so yeah. How about you? I know that you shared before a little bit about your family and when Jason died.

00;08;38;04 - 00;08;45;06
Meghan
Well, I mean, first of all, congratulations. I'm so excited. You never have to go back to school again if you don't want to.

00;08;45;11 - 00;08;46;08
Christina
Exactly.

00;08;47;05 - 00;09;11;08
Meghan
What a weight lifted. Yes. Well, similarly, while Jason was alive, I was working toward a master's degree so I was, you know, he supported me through that. Right. And then when he died, I took a break and eventually went back and finished it. But I finished and I received my master's degree. I finished my graduate degree, but I didn't go to graduation.

00;09;11;08 - 00;09;31;09
Meghan
I didn't really do anything to celebrate because it was like during C0VID times. And so, you know, there wasn't, it wasn't really, there wasn't really a lot of pomp and circumstance around finishing that, you know, so it was just a moment where I was like, oh, I did it, I did it, and I'm done. And, you know, oh, he'd be so proud of me.

00;09;31;11 - 00;09;42;09
Meghan
 And then I just moved on right? Like, because I because there wasn't, I don't even think I went out to dinner, you know, I was just like, yeah, all right, cool, you know? What's next?

00;09;42;12 - 00;10;05;01
Christina
Yeah. I think, like, that's a big deal. Like just to, for us to pause for a moment and recognize the fact of, like, celebrating that after, like, this is literally for those of you listening, part of who Meghan and I are is that our person died, and we got up, eventually got up, and we kept going and that is really why we wanted to do this podcast.

00;10;05;01 - 00;10;09;07
Christina
And so let's just take a moment for that of like not giving up. So, yeah.

00;10;09;07 - 00;10;33;07
Meghan
Right. Pat ourselves on the back. You know, we just we picked this thing back up that we're working on and went for it even though there's that, that pain, that sting of them not being here to see us finish it and yes, see it through. I think, you know, I've talked about this like in the last episode. I think that Jason is still around.

00;10;33;07 - 00;10;49;29
Meghan
You know, I think that he is seeing me. He is seeing the kids. He's just like, I don't know. I don't know. On another dimension somewhere else. But like that we can't see him, but he can see us, that's how I feel. So it's not like I finished and I was like, oh, he's not here to see this.

00;10;49;29 - 00;11;07;14
Meghan
It was more like I finished and I was like, he's not here for me to celebrate with him. Like, it was like he's not physically here, you know what I mean? But, but I wasn't sad. It was just like, Oh, well, I did it. You know? I did it. I did it. Yeah. But when Jason died, he died in June.

00;11;07;14 - 00;11;24;28
Meghan
And I think I've shared this before. It was right before, there was a week left of school for all the kids. And it was right before his oldest son graduated high school. And then three of the other kids had their own little graduation ceremonies.

00;11;24;28 - 00;11;26;23
Christina
Like promotional ceremonies.

00;11;26;24 - 00;11;52;21
Meghan
Yeah. Like, you know, you finish elementary school and you move into middle school. Or you finish kindergarten and move into elementary school, you know? So there were four out of the five kids that had like events, like ceremonies that next week. And it was just it was so hard, one to go to them to just know that he was like, just here last week.

00;11;52;21 - 00;12;14;21
Meghan
And now he's gone. You know, for his oldest son since he graduated high school, it was like a big you know, we we went to the graduation and we had like a meal afterwards and everything. We took pictures in my backyard, and we just we had I had printed out a bunch of pictures of Jason.

00;12;14;21 - 00;12;29;14
Meghan
So the graduation was actually ,it wasn't like the last day of school. It's like, after. You know. So I had a bunch of pictures that I had printed for the celebration of life. So he picked his favorite one and we framed it and he just he took it with him like he took it with him to the graduation.

00;12;29;14 - 00;12;52;02
Meghan
We had it in like the seats, you know, and he took pictures with it like he was just holding that picture. So that was kind of how we were able to I don't know, sort of preserve the memory, but, you know, that was definitely tinged with some really difficult feelings because it was just it was like Jason was just there.

00;12;52;02 - 00;12;58;10
Meghan
It was like right after he died that we, you know, had all of these big events.

00;12;58;10 - 00;13;00;21
Christina
You guys were probably still in shock. You're still probably.

00;13;00;21 - 00;13;21;28
Meghan
Right. We were still kind of reeling from it. And but we couldn't, we had to keep going. You have to go to this stuff. It's you know, it's important particularly for the kids that were moving up and doing all those things. Like it was important to go to those ceremonies and do the best we could. But it was, it was really hard.

00;13;22;13 - 00;13;52;13
Christina
I imagine. Wow. Very fresh, it sounds like. So if you are listening to this and you know, somebody that's going to be going through that, just to be aware, I think that's a good thing. So today I really want to talk to people who are watching somebody go through this to be aware. And then also for those who I hope we can help them to understand that even if you're looking at somebody and they look like they're doing OK, you don't know that they're still processing a lot on that day.

00;13;52;13 - 00;13;54;18
Christina
Just to keep be mindful of that.

00;13;54;18 - 00;14;14;03
Meghan
I will say that at every single event that week after Jason died, I had sunglasses on. I had do not talk to me all over my face. Like I was like, I'm here, like I'm present, but I don't, I don't want to engage with anybody. I don't want to chat with friends like we are here, we are doing the thing and we are leaving.

00;14;14;15 - 00;14;21;06
Meghan
Like, that is that is the maximum that I can give right now. So it was yeah, it was really tough.

00;14;21;10 - 00;14;48;05
Christina
Yes. And those situations to be aware when you see someone that it's fresh like that, give them space like, please don't come up. And I think sometimes I will say, please don't come up and hug us. Sometimes that can be really hard in those situations wen it's very fresh. Like we're just doing our best. I had somebody come up to me and I was getting ready to speak at his funeral and they came up to me and said, Can I pray with you?

00;14;48;05 - 00;14;53;00
Christina
And I was like, No. I was just like straight. I said, no.

00;14;53;00 - 00;14;54;11
I love that you said that, though.

00;14;54;11 - 00;15;12;02
Christina
Yeah. I said, No, I am barely holding it together. If you would like. I was I was kind, but I said, if you would like to pray for me at your seat, that I can, you know, I would appreciate that. But I'm barely holding it together and I have to stand here and speak to 500 people, so they went and sat down.

00;15;12;03 - 00;15;26;14
Christina
And so if you see somebody and it's very fresh and they have to do something hard, just remember, like they're probably using every ounce of strength they have to keep it together in that moment. So don't be offended if they're like put their hand up and like, nope, like, sorry, I can't do that.

00;15;26;15 - 00;15;49;25
Meghan
Yes, exactly. I am not a hugger on my best day, just kind of in the course of after Jason died, people just come hug me and I'm just like, I just kind of like freeze up like because I don't like it. I like hugs from my people, you know, my son, or you know, like my spouse or I'm dating, but I don't like a hug from a friend.

00;15;50;11 - 00;15;57;16
Meghan
If I haven't seen you in a long time, we can just say hi. We don't have to touch.

00;15;57;17 - 00;16;16;23
Christina
I don't want your cooties. You know, that's funny. Oh, man. I had. I mean, we I don't even know that this will be a full episode, but I had that too. Hugs from strangers right after your person dies is like they knew your person and they hadn't seen them in 20 years, and they want to hug you. And it's just like it's awkward.

00;16;16;24 - 00;16;17;07
Christina
You're like what do I do.

00;16;17;17 - 00;16;26;25
Meghan
It's so awkward, it's like when you're pregnant and people touch your belly. You're like, you know that this is my body, right? Why are you touching me? Yes.

00;16;27;10 - 00;16;50;13
Christina
Yes. It's like you appreciate the gesture. However, this is super awkward. Thank you for. Yeah. So I had I definitely had that. You talked about being present that you were fully present. And that was something going into my graduation that I had thought about that I really I wanted to practice being present. But unlike you, I had more time to, like, mentally prepare.

00;16;50;13 - 00;17;14;27
Christina
You know, it's two and a half years later and that I really wanted to be present on in that moment and not I think a lot of times in my past I have been so like in my head in the future all the time that I'm not actually present in this moment. And I was able to be present at my graduation, which was really nice to just take it all in and look around me.

00;17;14;27 - 00;17;15;16
Meghan
Yeah.

00;17;16;07 - 00;17;41;00
Christina
That was a really big, you know, thing for me to not be so caught up. And so I was really proud of myself for that. One of the things I did is incorporating Michael into graduation. You talked about how that you guys took a picture of Jason. One of the things I wanted to do was thank him for, you know, they give they read a few lines before you walk across.

00;17;42;02 - 00;18;03;22
Christina
And I wrote that in and that was really hard to write to him and, and say thank you. And I said thank you to my late husband. As I walked across the stage you know, I was trying not to cry. And the president of the college, you know, is getting ready to shake my hand. And I'm looking at him and, you know, it's not like he's deaf.

00;18;03;22 - 00;18;11;05
Christina
He can hear what they said and he just looked at me and he was like, it's going to be OK. And I just was like, oh, man, you know.

00;18;11;09 - 00;18;14;01
Meghan
I feel like, that would make me cry. Like immediately.

00;18;14;01 - 00;18;26;08
Christina
Yeah. I was holding back tears. Yeah. Yeah. So it was in that moment, it was was really cool of him to acknowledge that he recognized that was not an easy moment. Yeah.

00;18;26;14 - 00;18;46;26
Meghan
Yeah. But also, I feel like there's a moments like that. Like a month or two after Jason died, I was in a meeting with a bunch of people I used to work with and I think I've told this story before where a guy who was at the wedding we went to right before he died, a guy who was there, he came into the meeting and he saw me and he came and just gave me a hug.

00;18;47;06 - 00;19;01;14
Meghan
I mean, it was a room full of 20 people. Some of them knew me, some of them didn't. So this is not a room I could just like break down in because it was I was in a professional setting, right? So he, like, came and gave me a hug and I was like, I don't want to talk about it.

00;19;01;28 - 00;19;23;01
Meghan
Like, just immediately I was like, I cannot. I cannot right now. Because if I say anything or if you say anything, I will start crying. Yes. We need to nip this in the bud. Yes. I mean, can I, I just want to say that the gesture was appreciated, like I don't want to come off like a jerk. But yes, it was a lot.

00;19;23;02 - 00;19;30;15
Christina
And it takes a lot of courage for a person that has lost someone, you feel really like you don't want to be a jerk. Like you're saying. It's like you appreciate


00;19;31;04 - 00;19;47;07
Christina
The gesture so much. So if you are somebody listening and this happens, please know, like, again, you're just holding it together and you have to do hard things. And I appreciate it so much. And I loved I was somewhere the other day and someone asked permission to hug me.

00;19;47;21 - 00;19;48;27
Meghan
We love that boundary.

00;19;48;27 - 00;20;07;14
Christina
Yeah. I was really impressed that this person had asked for permission and I thought that was a really great thing. So ask, that would be a great tip is just ask people, can I hug you? Because you know, again, strangers walking up to you that you don't even know of that are doing this is is really awkward.

00;20;07;16 - 00;20;10;15
Meghan
Well, and then don't be offended if they say no.

00;20;10;15 - 00;20;16;01
Christina
Just understand it's not about you, man. In that situation don't make it about yourself. Get over yourself.

00;20;16;01 - 00;20;18;00
Meghan
Right, right.

00;20;18;00 - 00;20;43;12
Christina
Another thing that I did was kind of a way that I thought about it for a long time is how do I take him with me? Like something to graduation. You guys took Jason's picture. I thought about, you know, do I take my wedding ring? Do I take his wedding ring? What do I take with me? And I decided on a piece of jewelry that he had given me, and nobody that was at graduation -

00;20;43;22 - 00;20;47;19
Christina
My family didn't know. No one knew I wore this.

00;20;48;14 - 00;20;56;14
Meghan
It was just your special thing. Yeah, I love that. Wait a minute, though. Wait was that heart shaped.

00;20;59;10 - 00;21;19;13
Christina
Oh, my gosh. Yes. It just like, it's kind of funny because we talked about this once before, but, like, it was it was literally the only - he bought me jewelry. I mean, he bought my wedding rings and stuff. I was with him, but this was the only piece - he bought me two pieces of jewelry at one time. And surprise me, they didn't match.

00;21;19;13 - 00;21;23;27
Christina
They were just totally random things, and they were both hearts. 

00;21;24;00 - 00;21;24;12
Meghan
That's so funny.

00;21;24;13 - 00;21;44;00
Christina
It was a heart bracelet with like puffy hearts on it. And then the other one was a locket that was a heart. And neither one of these, friends, would be something that I picked out. But I mean it it kind of made it that much more special that, like, he picked it out and even though it was such a guy thing to pick out something with hearts on it because I'm a very plain, plain person when it comes to stuff like that.

00;21;44;10 - 00;21;51;07
Christina
And so I wore that and it was just like OK, that was pretty cool. But yes, it was heart jewelry.

00;21;52;17 - 00;22;16;23
Meghan
We talked about heart shaped jewelry. It was early on episode one through five like somewhere in one of those. So that is what that callback is from. But that is really funny. But I'm glad you did that. I think it's cool to just have that thing that's just only, you know, that it's not like you're doing it for any kind of clout or to share or just, you know, it's like that just little meaningful thing that just you did.

00;22;17;00 - 00;22;17;09
Meghan
I love that.

00;22;17;09 - 00;22;45;13
Christina
Yeah. Nobody, nobody knew. I think that it's also important if you're going through this to find someone to talk about to this about because other people won't understand. And I know someone who recently was talking to someone about they were meeting for the first time, and this person was getting ready to graduate and found out that the other person had lost someone as well.

00;22;46;16 - 00;23;11;26
Christina
And in that conversation, they both recognized the person who had lost someone, recognized that this person that was about to graduate. Like it's a really hard thing to not have those people around with you. It meant a lot to the graduate. It was it was a hard thing, but it meant a lot to her that this other person had recognized that this was going to be hard and that they made sure to be there for the other one.

00;23;12;02 - 00;23;32;25
Christina
It's important if you can find somebody to talk to that at least, I felt like, at least someone in the room recognizes that you're having a hard time and that they're making sure that you are OK, that you're aware. So if you you know, if you're a young person and your friends don't get it and nobody gets it, that at least one person in that room knows, like, hey, we're celebrating.

00;23;32;25 - 00;23;50;01
Christina
It's, it's just like this really hard thing because you're celebrating this big achievement and you're so excited. And then the other side of that is you're also holding space for the sadness that there's someone missing there, somebody who, like you said, they would have been proud of you. And you're.

00;23;50;01 - 00;23;50;06
Meghan
Right.

00;23;50;08 - 00;23;55;00
Christina
And you know in your heart that that person would be proud of you, but it still stings.

00;23;55;02 - 00;23;55;26
Meghan
Yeah, for sure.

00;23;55;26 - 00;24;18;11
Christina
Talking to someone about it, your counselor a friend, a family member. If you are a family member or friend, you know, ask the person how they are doing. How are you doing? I recognize you're about to go through this really big thing and would you like to talk about it? And if they don't want to, fine. But like, man, it could mean the world to them that somebody recognizes like this.

00;24;18;11 - 00;24;21;24
Christina
This could hurt, this could be hard. And let's let's talk.

00;24;22;00 - 00;24;40;00
Meghan
Yeah, just that they somebody recognizes it. That is so great. I mean, it's such a blessing when somebody is like, it's like you're you're feeling heard. Yes. You know, it's like somebody is like, really thinking about you as opposed to just bringing whatever they have to say to the table.

00;24;40;02 - 00;25;00;23
Christina
Yes. Yes. Like to be able to sit and listen. Like that night, I even also planning ahead I think is a big deal when you're going into an event like this, graduation, something like that to be able to, for months ahead, like I thought, what do I want this to look like? You know, I was having family come in from out of town.

00;25;01;00 - 00;25;19;03
Christina
Where are we going to go to dinner?Are we going to do a barbecue? Like what, what was the plan? And I chose that I wanted to go to dinner. I made the plans. I did all of the things. And I just really wanted to be very, very present. And I'm so happy that I thought about it before.

00;25;19;03 - 00;25;51;16
Christina
And that it can be present in the moment. And I wasn't, even though I was holding space for the fact that there was someone missing from that table, I felt so grateful Michael's parents were there with us. My dad was able to fly to come in. My daughter flew in from Texas and just having family around that table to be with me on such a cool occasion to celebrate that, and I will be able to look back and have those memories of those conversations and all of those things.

00;25;51;16 - 00;26;01;08
Christina
And so give it some thought ahead of time. What would you like to do? What would you like that to look like in those moments?

00;26;01;09 - 00;26;18;03
Meghan
Yeah, yeah, exactly. And go easy on yourself like you did you were like, I just want to be present. I don't want to cook a bunch of food. I don't want to, you know, throw a big party because it's a lot of work. And yeah, I didn't, like I said, I don't even think I went out to dinner.

00;26;18;03 - 00;26;45;26
Meghan
It was such a nonevent when I graduated. But this was partly because it was like peak pandemic. It was like the delta wave, I think is what we were dealing with. Like it was just a lot. Or maybe it was I don't even remember but it was, you know, not a time when people were going out and doing things, you know, so I didn't go to graduation, but yeah, I just I didn't do anything.

00;26;47;05 - 00;26;51;16
Meghan
I took a break, I guess, you know, after that, I took like a week off just to, like, chill.

00;26;51;29 - 00;26;54;16
Christina
Decompress. Yeah, I remember.

00;26;54;28 - 00;26;55;10
Meghan
Mm hmm.

00;26;56;09 - 00;27;18;17
Christina
We both it's just so fun that both of us, like, we went through that together. I watched Meghan go through her last quarter or two of school, the last two of school, I think, the last two classes. And then I went through my last couple of semesters with school. And so, yeah, I remember, you know, cheering her on. And then it was really cool to have you cheer me on.

00;27;18;17 - 00;27;35;24
Christina
Like, through that. You would just be like, it's only a few more weeks, and then you'll be done and yeah, were just like, I just want to give up. I remember her telling me at one time, Oh, you have senioritis, you have it. So yeah, it's nice to have somebody who gets it. Big blessing.

00;27;35;24 - 00;28;06;17
Meghan
Yeah. And it's funny. And so when Jason died, like I said, his that was when his oldest was graduating high school. Well, now his second oldest has graduated high school, so it's just a bummer that his dad, you know, wasn't able to be there for that. But I, I actually saw him the other day, and he's just doing so great, just making really good life choices and growing and, and trying to move up and, and work and, you know, do all the things that you do as a young adult, like, he's doing really well.

00;28;06;17 - 00;28;15;27
Meghan
So that was really good to see that he is, you know, he's not letting his dad's death hold him down either. 

00;28;16;02 - 00;29;03;26
Christina
That's cool. I think one of the things that when you're going through something like that is just to take a moment after the ceremony or wherever, like, just to take a moment alone and acknowledge these things, like be present and like think of your person and the fact that they would be proud and kind of mentally bring them into that space, even if it's been like for, you know, Jason's second oldest, you know, just to like acknowledge that, because sometimes it's years down the road, you know, you could have graduations four years later or ten years later and just to recognize that person's presence in that time.

00;29;03;26 - 00;29;31;14
Christina
So also to practice self-care, if you are struggling in that time, to be gentle, going back to being gentle with yourself, this is hard that you lost this person and they meant a lot to you and the other people around. You may not recognize that, but you can be gentle with yourself. And yeah, if you're going to an event and like maybe people have a party or there's multiple parties or just whatever, you get choices.

00;29;31;14 - 00;29;48;20
Christina
And to remember that in that moment you get to choose that there are events that you're like, I can't, I can't attend this event. I can't attend that event. You get to choose. And so just be gentle and give yourself permission to do what you are comfortable with during that time.

00;29;48;23 - 00;30;10;12
Meghan
Yeah, I agree. I agree with all that. I've had to take a - I've had to learn how to be gentle with myself and not not hold myself to, you know, like a higher level. Like, it's like it's OK if I don't feel up to doing something. You know, people don't know what I'm going through. Just like I don't know what they're going through.

00;30;10;12 - 00;30;14;12
Meghan
So I'm going to take care of me because nobody else is going to do that.

00;30;14;17 - 00;30;33;21
Christina
Yes, that's very true. I saw a really cool thing. I was not aware. And I guess if I had had I was, you know, wrapping up school. So I wasn't really thinking about it. But, you know, they do honor chords and different sashes and stuff like that. And I was reading online, which I thought it was really cool.

00;30;33;24 - 00;31;03;14
Christina
There was a group for students at a college that they have lost a parent. And so if you are someone who is in university or college right now and, you know, ask the counseling department, you know, that's a big thing. You're processing something while you're trying to get an education. And we've talked about this before, your brain, it doesn't matter, widow brain is not you know, there are no lines around that

00;31;03;14 - 00;31;37;22
Christina
you're the spouse. It happens with the children and the parents and everyone around the person who, you know, they lost. And for these students, they're trying to process this great loss as well as the loss of a parent or grandparent or sibling. Or whatever, you know, person that is in their life. And so there is a counseling department on campus at, you know, universities and colleges. Go and find out, get counseling, talk to somebody because you are at a school where there are other people who it's not like they grew up in your neighborhood.

00;31;37;22 - 00;32;04;17
Christina
And they know you lost your parent. So go talk to a counselor. And what this counselor had done was she had purchased unofficial special cords for the students who had lost someone. So they wore that cord. She gave it to them and said this is an unofficial like cord to remember your person so if you are someone supporting a graduate, this is just a really nice thing that could be done.

00;32;05;06 - 00;32;21;18
Christina
I didn't realize you could give people sashes and stuff like that. And there were some really cool sashes. And I would ask people, what is a sash from?And one kid was like, it was a really beautiful, colorful sash. And he's like, My aunt sent this to me from, she lives in Mexico and it was just cool to see those.

00;32;21;18 - 00;32;28;13
Christina
And it was like, Oh, OK. So you see the ones where it's like there are leis or there's money or whatever.

00;32;28;14 - 00;32;33;25
Meghan
I thought there were rules. Like, I thought you couldn't do that, but that's pretty cool.

00;32;33;25 - 00;32;41;11
Christina
I mean, for later. But I mean, it's something that, you know, you could hide it under your robe. You can do something, but I think it can work.

00;32;41;11 - 00;32;46;04
Meghan
I even think like a lapel pin, you know, something like that might be cool. Yeah, a little.

00;32;46;14 - 00;32;48;19
Christina
Yeah. Yeah, or something to wear on your.

00;32;48;20 - 00;33;01;23
Meghan
Your hat. Yeah, your hat. Yeah. So I was going to say, in high school, I remember it was a thing to decorate the top of your hat, t is, too. I was going to ask. Yeah.

00;33;02;01 - 00;33;10;04
Christina
I didn't decorate mine because I didn't have time, but yeah, I. Oh, I'll be honest. I thought about putting our QR code for our podcast on the hat

00;33;12;10 - 00;33;13;13
Christina
So that people could you know, taking a picture of it.

00;33;13;13 - 00;33;22;05
Meghan
That would be so cool. Yeah. That would be so cool to have your head scanned for QR codes.

00;33;22;09 - 00;33;43;29
Christina
There's an idea for people like, here are my plans. This is a video of me talking about my future plans. So yeah, I just thought that was cool as a special, like another way. But maybe for somebody who hasn't thought about it to give it to a family member of, you know, a cord or I mean, you could make it out of something of that person's event or have an attachment that goes on to.

00;33;43;29 - 00;34;07;19
Meghan
So yeah, just a few you know, if you're a person who's been cremated, you can wear their ashes in like a piece of jewelry. I saw a woman who she is an amputee, part of her leg was amputated, and she got a prosthetic and she mixed, well, the company that made the prosthetic makes some of her mom's ashes into that prosthetic leg.

00;34;07;20 - 00;34;08;11
Christina
Interesting.

00;34;08;19 - 00;34;15;04
Meghan
And so she gets to like wear her mom. Well, that's a weird way to phrase it. I mean.

00;34;15;06 - 00;34;15;14
Christina
Carry her mom.

00;34;15;26 - 00;34;26;20
Meghan
Yes. There you go. So, yeah, I thought that was just really cool. She was really close with her mom. And anyway, so I thought that was just such a cool idea, something you could do.

00;34;27;00 - 00;34;45;23
Christina
So I think that it's a big you know, if you have these events coming up, whether it's a wedding or a birthday or something like that, to start thinking ahead, think ahead, you know, give it a couple of months thought because these are things are coming up, the seasons are coming up and it's going to happen. It's it's coming down to it.

00;34;45;23 - 00;34;56;05
Christina
And that way the day of you are not overwhelmed. Grief doesn'tt, you know, sideswipe you that you can kind of, for lack of a better way, kind of plan out your grief but.

00;34;56;12 - 00;34;59;01
Meghan
So if you could please schedule your grief .

00;34;59;06 - 00;35;04;27
Christina
Yes exactly it would be very helpful. Well we you know at 10:15 we will be grieving for ten minutes.

00;35;07;09 - 00;35;12;00
Christina
But you know to acknowledge that that is going to happen you are going to have moments.

00;35;12;01 - 00;35;31;26
Meghan
Yeah I would challenge you to, because you have the time if you're looking forward to an event that's planned, like a graduation, like going to a wedding or if there's a wedding in your family, like a birthday whatever it is, anniversary, things like that, I challenge you to find something positive. What is there to be grateful about this?

00;35;32;04 - 00;35;48;25
Meghan
You know, for you and me, it was that we finished this goal that we had for ourselves. We got back up and we did it, you know, but I mean, I remember so Jason died at the beginning of summer. My birthday is like in the dead of summer. It is so hot. It's at the very end of July.

00;35;49;03 - 00;36;22;12
Meghan
And so I just remember my birthday right after he died. So this was like two months later. The weather in Texas was like 70 degrees. Unheard of. Unheard of in in July in Texas. But on my birthday, I was like, oh, my gosh, like, this weather is beautiful. Like, that could have made, you know, the day the day could have been just a bummer, like a day where you're celebrating and but, you know, Jason wasn't there and and he had died so recently, but the weather was so beautiful.

00;36;22;12 - 00;36;42;26
Meghan
I was just like, oh, my gosh. You know, like, it was just like I took a deep breath. And this is I mean, that sucks that he is gone, but this is so nice. That the weather is beautiful on, I just kind of was able to recognize that there was something to be grateful for, even though my life was kind of a shit show right then, you know?

00;36;43;17 - 00;36;53;25
Christina
Yes, I agree. It's. Yeah. And those moments to be able to say it, my dad was able to make it to my graduation. My daughter was able to fly out so. Yes, to acknowledge -

00;36;53;26 - 00;36;55;29
Meghan
You were able to get the extra tickets you needed.

00;36;56;02 - 00;37;17;25
Christina
Yes. That was really exciting. I didn't I honestly, I had invited people and then found out so if you're listening to this and it's years down the road, during the pandemic, they were not able to have in-person graduation. So the two the classes prior to ours, two years prior, they joined us for graduation. And so that reduced the amount of tickets.

00;37;17;25 - 00;37;35;02
Christina
So I was only allowed to have two tickets. So who do I choose, you know, to come to this graduation? And right before days before graduation, they released the extra tickets. And so I was able to have both of my kids at graduation. I was able to have Michael's parents.

00;37;35;08 - 00;37;37;29
Meghan
You didn't have to choose your favorite.

00;37;38;24 - 00;38;06;12
Christina
Exactly. I was like, OK, which of them is going to care the least? And my son is that person. And so my daughter, you know, flew in. So that was, that was a nice thing. So, yes, it was this this big this goal. So for me, just to bring this into perspective, I had planned before Michael died to go on and to become, my associates is in behavior and social science.

00;38;06;12 - 00;38;32;19
Christina
And I had planned to go on and become a counselor, and life just has changed. And so for me, I could have stopped, but it was like, no, I want to complete this. This was a lifelong goal I had and so I was able to check that off kind of a bucket list because it was one of those things that when I started over, because I basically had to start my degree from scratch and getting this general education stuff out of the way.

00;38;33;02 - 00;38;59;01
Christina
And I, I started all over. And so I didn't want to be on my deathbed and look back and think, man, I really wish it was just this thing in my life that was undone. So this was really the big thing with this is this was a life goal for me to complete. It wasn't a matter of, oh, I'm going to go on and I'm going to get a job that is in this area.

00;38;59;01 - 00;39;02;02
Christina
That was not what this was. This was me just getting back up.

00;39;02;06 - 00;39;03;08
Meghan
You just wanted to tie up that loose end.

00;39;03;14 - 00;39;03;27
Christina
Yes.

00;39;03;27 - 00;39;11;27
Meghan
Yeah, and you did. And you were able to celebrate with your family. And I mean, Michael wasn't there, and that stings. But you had other people who love you that were there.

00;39;11;27 - 00;39;12;08
Christina
Yes.

00;39;12;13 - 00;39;37;20
Meghan
And you got to wear your heart shaped jewelry. I mean, you know, so it's like, I am not one to dwell in difficult emotions, sadness or anger. Right. I am always going to look for the positives. Are there, what is, what is happening today that I'm so happy about? I'm getting I'm finishing school and getting my degree, or if it's one of the kids, they're finishing school.

00;39;37;20 - 00;40;00;25
Meghan
They did it. They're done. And now they're grown and they're going to go off and like start their lives as adults, you know. Yes. I think that it's really easy to just be like, what if, oh, it just sucks that this person's not here anymore, but we just can't live in that. I mean, life keeps going. So I challenge you to just find something that is just a happy moment, even if it's just one.

00;40;01;15 - 00;40;16;13
Meghan
Because I remember right after Jason died, it was really hard to go to all that stuff to find those moments, but even if it's just one little thing. I challenge you to look for that and cling to that, you know? Do you have anything else to add?

00;40;16;19 - 00;40;26;07
Christina
I don't. I just I want to wish, like everybody in this season big hugs and I wish.

00;40;26;07 - 00;40;27;14
Meghan
But only if you want them.

00;40;27;14 - 00;40;54;17
Christina
Yeah, only if you want them. Sending you big hugs with your permission. And also, I wish you those moments of joy, that you find them in the midst of celebrating, that you have those moments that you can be fully present and celebrate your accomplishment, and that you you got up and and not everybody does that. Acknowledge that the you've done something hard that not everyone is able to do.

00;40;54;17 - 00;41;04;21
Christina
So congratulations in this season of graduation. And I wish you the best on whatever you choose to do next.

00;41;05;00 - 00;41;19;24
Meghan
Yeah. And if it's your kids' graduation, I mean, the same sentiment applies. You are, you are doing this even though it's really hard and you're there for them and that's really important. So you're doing great.

00;41;20;00 - 00;41;20;27
Christina
Good on you, mate.

00;41;22;18 - 00;41;33;08
Meghan
OK, well, the time has come. So whether your cup is empty, half full, or overflowing, raise it up. Here's to the craziness of life after loss. Cheers.

00;41;33;19 - 00;41;34;12
Christina
Cheers.

00;41;36;22 - 00;41;53;23
Meghan
Thank you so much for being here with us. Please subscribe to our podcast if you found it helpful. And you can also find us on social media on Instagram at Full Cup Club podcast and if you search Full Club Club podcast on Facebook. Again, thanks friends and we'll see you next time.