Full Cup Club Podcast - Getting Back Up After Getting Knocked Down With Grief

14 - Grief a Few Years Down the Road - Where Are We Now?

April 26, 2022 Full Cup Club Episode 14
Full Cup Club Podcast - Getting Back Up After Getting Knocked Down With Grief
14 - Grief a Few Years Down the Road - Where Are We Now?
Show Notes Transcript

Christina and Meghan share where they are now after losing their husbands - 2.5 years ago for Christina, and almost 4 years ago for Meghan. We're talking milestones, achievements, and goals. If you have lost someone and you feel like you'll never feel normal again, we're here to tell you you will! It can be a slow process, but you will get to a point where you can dream new dreams for your life.

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00;00;00;05 - 00;00;00;23
Meghan
Do you play Wordle?

00;00;02;01 - 00;00;03;10
Christina
I can barely spell.

00;00;05;19 - 00;00;22;26
Meghan
I love a puzzle game. I am such a nerd when it comes to like, I love Sudoku. I like the New York Times crossword. I don't do the hard ones. I do the easier ones, but I love a like, a puzzle game like that. So when wordle came out, I was like, oh, my gosh, I have to play this.

00;00;23;05 - 00;00;33;02
Meghan
So what it is, if you are unfamiliar, it's every day you get six opportunities to guess a five letter word.

00;00;33;04 - 00;00;33;13
Christina
OK.

00;00;33;27 - 00;00;51;26
Meghan
So you play once a day. It's the same word for every single person every day. And so you have six tries to guess a five letter word and friend, on Tuesday, I was going to reach my 100th consecutive win, and I lost.

00;00;52;06 - 00;00;53;20
Christina
No.

00;00;53;25 - 00;01;02;16
Meghan
I didn't guess the word. Yeah, I well, it is the most - it is the most devastating loss I have ever experienced. I'm just kidding.

00;01;05;04 - 00;01;06;10
Meghan
Hi, I'm Meghan.

00;01;06;10 - 00;01;10;01
Christina
And I'm Christina. And this is a Full Cup Club podcast.

00;01;10;15 - 00;01;19;22
Meghan
We're here to talk through the good, the bad, and the ugly. Of loss, whether that's losing a loved one, a job, a dream, or even your marbles.

00;01;20;15 - 00;01;40;13
Christina
So whether your cup has coffee, tea, or vodka, in it. Welcome to the Full Cup Club. Friends, on today's episode, we are talking about - where are we now? I am personally just hit the two and a half year mark for Michael being gone. And Meghan, you are - 

00;01;40;14 - 00;01;45;17
Meghan
Almost four years - in just a couple more months it will be the four year deathiversary.

00;01;45;21 - 00;01;49;20
Christina
So before we get started today, Meghan, what is in your cup?

00;01;49;28 - 00;01;50;25
Meghan
Well, it's a can.

00;01;50;26 - 00;01;52;01
Meghan
Oh, what is in you can today? That's new.

00;01;53;23 - 00;01;59;17
Meghan
Well, it's it's not because typically I you know, in the summer months -

00;01;59;17 - 00;01;59;27
Christina
Your static water?

00;02;00;02 - 00;02;22;17
Meghan
Yeah. And I am drinking a grape flavored Waterloo today. And it's - I don't know about it. I'll say that. I don't know about it. It tastes like like the grape flavor mixed with sparkling water is. It's an interesting choice. I applaud the effort that went into it. It tastes like - 

00;02;24;12 - 00;02;29;25
Meghan
It tastes like it was like sitting next to grape flavored cough syrup on the shelf.

00;02;29;25 - 00;02;32;20
Christina
Like, some Dimetapp.

00;02;32;20 - 00;02;33;03
Meghan
Yeah.

00;02;33;23 - 00;02;40;24
Christina
I love me some Dimetapp as a kid, like, I'd sneak in there once in a while and just, like, take a, well, little sippy sipoff of the Dimetapp. I love that flavor.

00;02;45;26 - 00;02;47;24
Meghan
If your parents are listening, they're like, no wonder we were always having to buy Dimetapp.

00;02;53;04 - 00;02;54;03
Christina
Oh, my God.

00;02;54;22 - 00;02;56;28
Meghan
Oh, my goodness. So what are you drinking today?

00;02;56;28 - 00;03;09;02
Christina
Today I am drinking an iced coffee. Someone was supposed to, yeah, join me for coffee the other day. They were not able to join me, and so I took that coffee and popped it in the fridge, and I had forgotten how much I love me an iced coffee.

00;03;09;02 - 00;03;13;06
Meghan
So how do you make your iced coffee? Do you put anything in it?

00;03;13;15 - 00;03;29;05
Christina
A little. Just exactly like my morning coffee. I put a little half and half in it, and that's it. Just. Yeah, I can't even say give it to me straight, because I do enjoy a little - I like a caramel color. Like coffee, like it's not white. 

00;03;29;05 - 00;03;31;29
Meghan
Life's too short for black coffee. Come on.

00;03;32;27 - 00;03;36;27
Christina
Oh, my gosh. Yes. Life is too short for a black coffee.

00;03;37;03 - 00;03;38;09
Meghan
Just put that on a T-shirt.

00;03;38;09 - 00;03;39;16
Meghan
Yeah. There you go.

00;03;40;29 - 00;04;06;04
Christina
There we go. On today's episode, as I mentioned, we are going to talk about where are we now? And so, Meghan, let's start with where we were when our spouse died, where what was going on in your life when Jason passed? As far as family dynamics, how you know, kids ages, what was happening with your careers, all of that stuff.

00;04;06;04 - 00;04;07;22
Christina
What phase in life are you guys in?

00;04;08;07 - 00;04;31;25
Meghan
So I'll say three months before Jason died, I quit my corporate job to stay home to help take care of a sick family member that was living with us. And I wanted to launch my own business, too, and made financial sense for me to quit my job as opposed to Jason quitting his, plus I wanted to start my own business.

00;04;31;25 - 00;04;49;15
Meghan
So three months before he died, I quit my job to start my own branding and design business. We had five kids. Just - we were just in the thick of parenting school age children. I mean, you know how it is.

00;04;49;15 - 00;04;55;10
Christina
I just want to sing "Into the thick of it, into the thick of it," Yeah, we've been there. Oh, yeah.

00;04;55;26 - 00;05;16;21
Meghan
Yeah. So, I mean, if you're a mom, if you're a parent or if you want to be like it, it is coming. And you just, you know, you have the kids. They're all in school. There's, you know, parent teacher nights. There's after school activities extracurriculars, just, you know, field trips, all the stuff you're balancing, having school age children.

00;05;17;13 - 00;05;44;25
Meghan
So we were, you know, just in the midst of the chaos that comes with that times five kids between us. So when he died, it was toward the end of the school year. It was in June. And so I had quit my job just a couple of months before we were just in, you know, just the regular life of parenting, school age kids.

00;05;44;25 - 00;06;10;19
Meghan
And then, you know, it abruptly came to a halt his kids went to live with their parents - their other parents. And I was like, oh, my gosh, how am I going to pay for stuff? You know, I had just quit my job. I was relying on his income, right, and so I really had to step it into gear to earn some money.

00;06;10;19 - 00;06;27;03
Meghan
Wow. So, yeah, it was just I don't know, like, I feel like it's kind of a normal - we were just in the normal routine of parenting all those kids, you know, because they were young, school age. And so tell me about your situation.

00;06;27;12 - 00;06;59;16
Christina
I had just left my job six months prior and I was focusing on, I haven't shared this before, but I was in the process of starting a nonprofit. I was just at the very beginning stages, and Michael was going through some stuff with an organization that he was part of the leadership in that I've mentioned, and so I really put that on pause.

00;06;59;27 - 00;07;27;22
Christina
The organization that I was working with, I said, Hey, I need to put this on pause right now while I support my husband, while we walk through this, and so I was doing that. I had returned to school. I was in the process of finishing my associates degree, and we had two adult children. And so our daughter has been out of the house for several years.

00;07;27;22 - 00;07;50;18
Christina
She's like launched and all of that good stuff. Our son was getting ready to start his freshman year of college. Actually, we were, he was in his freshman year. We were five ish weeks into his freshman year of college. So that's where we were at that point. So I wasn't working. I was also, like we were dependent on Michael's, solely on Michael's income.

00;07;51;02 - 00;08;19;07
Christina
I was also in the process of like really looking into more of a speaking career at that time. And so I was going through some coaching with that and I was still publicly speaking in some different arenas. So that was kind of what was were were really in this like transition phase oflife. We were getting ready to go into the next phase of life, which would really have just been like yeah, totally new.

00;08;19;08 - 00;08;20;17
Christina
Yeah. So that's where we were.

00;08;20;21 - 00;08;42;25
Meghan
So you were about to level up, you were about to step across that bridge. So different life positions between the two of us. But, but yeah, I remember after - so now I am four years out from Jason dying - I remember right after he died. It was such a shock. I mean, he was he was young to have a heart problem.

00;08;42;25 - 00;09;14;13
Meghan
He was 44, he was healthy and fit and it was just, you know, all of that. It was just such a shock. So I just remember being in shock and I would see him in everything, everywhere I went, everything I did, I just, I saw him, I would remember a joke or just a random conversation we had or, you know, and I was just consumed by just always seeing him in everything I was doing.

00;09;14;21 - 00;09;38;27
Meghan
I remember my son, he was in taekwondo, and so I would, Jason didn't really go with me to his taekwondo practices. He would go to like the important events when you test for a new belt or whatever, but he didn't go to just the every, every day practice. And even so when I was sitting there watching my son practice his taekwondo, I would think of Jason.

00;09;38;27 - 00;10;03;22
Meghan
I remember him being there and the funny things we would talk about or whatever. So it was just consuming at the beginning. Now, almost four years later, I think of Jason every day, but it's, it's more like, oh, yeah, that was so fun. Like, I remember when we did that and it was really cool, you know, or yeah, he was really good at doing this sort of thing.

00;10;03;25 - 00;10;24;02
Meghan
He was really good at building and fixing things, and now I feel like he would be proud of where I am with that. You know, it's like this happy moment that's just, just not, like, happy and joyful and, you know, nothing outrageous. Just, you know, like, oh, yeah, yeah. That's pretty cool, you know, like that. As opposed to just being this consuming sadness.

00;10;24;02 - 00;10;51;23
Christina
Yeah. For me, right after my uncle died, I had so much paperwork that I was doing, and that really consumed a lot of my life after he died for a good year after he died, there was a lot of paperwork that needed to be done for his job and just different things that had to do with that. And so that really took up a lot of my time and my mental energy.

00;10;51;23 - 00;11;13;04
Christina
And I was going to school and the grieving process was just I mean, I'm sure for most people it's on it's almost like on the run. Like you're doing it like, OK, I'm I'm having to do all of these other things, but this at the same time. So although I wasn't working, I was going to school and I would have to sit -

00;11;13;04 - 00;11;38;04
Christina
I've talked about this before that my counselor really encouraged me to sit and think about those things. I live in the house that my husband grew up in. We bought this house when our kids were little. So everywhere I look is memories of even when we were kids together in this home when I would come and visit. So, yeah, it's yeah, it's it's interesting when you're walking through that.

00;11;38;04 - 00;11;52;24
Christina
Just yeah, it's, it's it's huge to process all of that stuff. And in the beginning, for me, it felt a lot of times like, like the ocean, just like, relentlessly, the waves will keep crashing into you.

00;11;53;00 - 00;11;54;11
Meghan
Mmhmm like a storm.

00;11;54;21 - 00;12;10;26
Christina
And I watched I was sitting, I pulled in to I still go and sit by at the beach sometimes, and I pulled in the other day and the waves were just  - there's a storm going on right now and the waves were just kept crashing relentlessly. And I was like, I don't want to watch this. I just like he needed peace.

00;12;11;06 - 00;12;31;16
Christina
I needed calm and so I backed out of that parking space and I went and I sat at the mouth of the river and the mouth of the river while it was flowing. And it was still very, very active. That was to me like, hey, wow. That was the first time I realized, like, when when I started this grieving process, it felt like that relentless wave just crashing.

00;12;31;16 - 00;12;45;26
Christina
Like, you're trying to figure out how to stand up and they just keep knocking you over. And now I'm like, OK, this is more like a lake now. Just those calm little waves that lap up on the shore when you're at a lake.

00;12;45;26 - 00;12;48;02
Meghan
Yeah, that's a really good analogy.

00;12;48;11 - 00;13;11;14
Christina
So that I feel like I'm as Nora McInerney says, she talks about in her TEDTalk, talk that we don't we don't get over our loved ones, in this grieving process, we learn to carry it. And I feel like after two and a half years, yeah, I feel like I'm stronger in a way, and I've learned how to carry it and process it.

00;13;11;14 - 00;13;36;16
Meghan
It's funny how different it is between even the two of us, which tells me that it's different for people listening to you that I when I don't feel sad ever anymore about. OK, there is I mean it. I don't I don't feel sadness. I feel happiness. I'm glad that we were together. I'm glad that we had those memories and those experiences.

00;13;36;26 - 00;14;09;26
Meghan
And I'm happy in my life now. And that took some time that took work and every single day making that choice to do the things that would lead me to my life right now. But at almost four years out, I feel happy with my son. And, you know, in our house, I, one thing I did, and this is different between you and me is that I redecorated my house so that I could feel like it was mine and not ours.

00;14;10;01 - 00;14;33;17
Meghan
I mean, I think it's just something you have to create in your environment for me to do that, I redecorated my house. I tried local restaurants, and now it's like I have my favorite place to eat. And it's not like, oh, we always used to go to this place. It's like, no, I have my favorite places that are local.

00;14;33;17 - 00;14;47;13
Meghan
Does that make sense? So I feel like I feel like in the past four years, I have really, I've really been able to move forward and make my life, my life.

00;14;47;23 - 00;15;26;25
Christina
So for me, I feel like the process is taking longer as far as while I choose joy and I definitely have gratitude and and happy memories with Michael, what I have found is that two and a half years later there, what has surprised me, is that I have found myself literally in my closet on the floor, crying and sobbing so deeply that I hear, I'm shocked because I hear somebody, and and I it's just this animalistic crying

00;15;26;26 - 00;15;52;20
Christina
And I don't even recognize that it's me. And it's shocking.  And so that was not happening in the beginning. But now it happens two and a half years later. And so that was a surprising thing for me to find myself in that space while choosing joy and reaching for gratitude. And all of those things have been part of this process.

00;15;52;20 - 00;16;21;25
Christina
That has been a surprising piece to me because I would have thought that that would have happened in the beginning. So if you're somebody who's listening and that's just now happening, like, guess what, hey, that's normal for me. But what is normal for you may look completely different. Everybody's situation is different. I know one thing that I was sharing with my counselor that is really a new thing that I am processing is I am one of those people who really enjoys personal growth.

00;16;21;25 - 00;16;43;10
Christina
It has been part of my life for so many years. You know, 30 years ago I was embarrassed that I was like going into a bookstore and finding a book on self-help, and now it's so celebrated. But like this has been part of who I am as an adult. And so, it's such a cool thing in our marriage to get to - almost had these like leveling up - 

00;16;43;10 - 00;17;20;03
Christina
Like, I recognize that when you go through hard things instead of running from them, if you plow headfirst into them, like that, that is how you level up to the next level and you get hit these really cool new spaces in your relationship. And so we were like about to go to the next level, we were about to hit this next space and yeah, I am grieving that we didn't get to do those where some people grieve that you know, their spouse and I still do grieve that stuff, but like where that you think, oh, I'm, I'm grieving that we didn't get to do this together or that together it's a really interesting thing that

00;17;20;03 - 00;17;29;01
Christina
I didn't realize I would grieve is we didn't get to hit all of those, you know, next five, ten levels in our relationship. So.

00;17;29;15 - 00;17;58;20
Meghan
Yeah, yeah. That makes sense, though. I mean, you're grieving. We talked about this, I think it was the last episode where we talked about anger we talked about being angry that you didn't get to grow old together. And so that's something that I've thought about, too, is like how that has changed my life as well. You know, we are not going to be the cool grandparents, you know, like with all the kids and whatever grandbabies or anything.

00;17;58;29 - 00;18;20;19
Meghan
I mean, I still keep in touch with his kids and they're all doing well and thriving in their own ways, but it's not going to be like, oh, got to go visit Dad's house. And, you know, it's just it's it's super different. But that's not something it was it's just something that I've recognized and it's like, well, OK, bummer.

00;18;20;19 - 00;18;48;16
Meghan
But also, I'm on a path right now that I am enjoying. I like my life and I've found happiness and gratitude and joy just in myself and and making my life my own and figuring out what I want and what I like doing. For instance, Jason wanted a vegetable garden. I don't really want to grow vegetables I like looking at flowers.

00;18;48;16 - 00;19;12;08
Meghan
I want to grow flowers. You know, I like my house to be light and bright and airy and open. And he liked it dark like a like a dungeon, you know, he always had the blinds closed. Yeah, right. Yeah.  So, I mean, I just have found these things where it's like, OK, well, I have an opportunity to do it my way, you know, I'm not going to squander that.

00;19;13;22 - 00;19;15;05
Meghan
Can I ask you a question?

00;19;16;15 - 00;19;17;01
Christina
Yes.

00;19;17;11 - 00;19;34;16
Meghan
This is going to sound weird, but I want to know before Michael died and before you were dealing with that sadness. Ah, as a person, as as a way to emote, are you a crier?

00;19;35;18 - 00;19;52;08
Christina
Yes, when I was a kid, my mom would be like looking at my dad and being like, they would just look at me sideways and I would start bawling, and my mom would be, like, looking at my dad, like, why is she crying? I don't understand why she's crying. Like, I am a crier. And have always been.

00;19;52;17 - 00;20;16;02
Christina
And I remember in my thirties, like, I got to a place where I didn't cry as much, and I was, like, very proud of myself. So yes, I do. I do cry. After Michael died, I didn't cry as much in the beginning. And that really scared some people. Family members were like, Oh, she's not crying. What's going on?

00;20;16;02 - 00;20;30;09
Christina
And I really actually was to a different place in life where I didn't cry quite as much and so when I share that just now, that is kind of like a surprising thing when I do, you know, have those moments, I'm like, Holy cow. So what about you?

00;20;31;23 - 00;20;53;15
Meghan
So I am not really a crier. I, as just a rule, I did cry after Jason died like quite a bit, but I have not cried about that in years at this point. So it's just and I just wanted to throw that out there because I know I'm not the only person who is like, wait, I'm not crying.

00;20;53;15 - 00;21;25;00
Meghan
Should I be am I supposed to be like, why - am I broken? You know? And I just wanted to throw that out to validate that if you're not feeling sad, if you're not crying, that's OK. That's normal and regular. But yeah, I will say that I have the most annoying quality. And it is when I'm angry, when I am just fully mad and I'm trying to, like, communicate a point and I am so upset, I will start crying.

00;21;25;00 - 00;21;34;13
Meghan
And I - it is the most embarrassing. I hate it so much. If I could figure out how to control my tears when I'm angry, I feel like I could take over the world.

00;21;38;05 - 00;21;52;23
Meghan
Luckily I don't get angry that often. We talked about lot in the last episode. I don't like to sit in anger. I don't want to waste time being angry. I think it's important to work through anger and not stay stuck in it. But yeah, I just, man.

00;21;54;07 - 00;22;02;19
Christina
Yeah, I have somebody that I know and it's like, man, when they're crying and they're angry, you're just like, oh, no. It's not going to go well.

00;22;07;08 - 00;22;08;05
Meghan
Gotta clear a path.

00;22;08;06 - 00;22;31;26
Christina
Yeah, there we go. I think one of the things - you've talked about redoing the rooms in your house and different things like that - there are a couple of funny things that my kids and I like, my daughter realized that kind of the same time she came back and said something to me. But Michael was not one that liked maybe say, floral smells or just different candles and stuff like that in the house.

00;22;31;26 - 00;22;51;20
Christina
It wasn't that he didn't like them. He just like there were reasons that he didn't and I had just recently found that, like, essential oils were something that he didn't like. And so after he passed, I was like, I can light candles again. Like, I can have plug ins and I have wax melts and all of this kind of stuff.

00;22;51;20 - 00;23;14;05
Christina
And that was like a whoa moment. And then I realized he didn't particularly, and I understand this, he didn't particularly love country music, and I grew up listening to it. And so it was something that like it wasn't like he was like, no, we're not going to listen to that. But I found myself listening to country music.

00;23;14;05 - 00;23;29;02
Christina
So there was almost these things that I was like almost identifying like things that, you know, I'm like, oh, I can play country music in the house. Not just in my car. You know, it's a thing - it's interesting to walk through that process.

00;23;29;03 - 00;23;58;04
Meghan
Those little moments, those little moments where you're just like, Oh, I can do this, this, you know, I can open my blinds every single morning, right? I don't have to, you know, run the scent options by anybody for my wax melter, you know? Yeah. Jason would always - we both worked from home occasionally, and he would have the TV on all day, like the news.

00;23;58;04 - 00;24;21;26
Meghan
And when I say news, I mean news channel. Like, it was just background noise. All day long. I cannot live like that. I, I get sensory overload. I just, I need silence or I need something calm to listen to throughout the day, like classical music. I've talked about that before, I think. But but yeah. So it's, you know, that's I've kind of had that epiphany, too, where it's like, oh, OK.

00;24;21;26 - 00;24;40;10
Meghan
Well, I can make the choice to, number one, cancel cable, but number two, not ever watch TV during the day, you know, not just have on background noise. So yeah, I have had those moments, too, and it's just, you know, looking for those things where it's not necessarily like this big win or this big accomplishment, but it's like, oh, here's a positive.

00;24;40;22 - 00;24;53;16
Meghan
I had this shitty thing that happened and you can't go back. It's not like you can change it. So it's like, well, OK, but here's something that's, you know, this is pretty cool. I can light this candle and nobody's going to say anything.

00;24;54;04 - 00;24;55;13
Christina
Nobody's going to say anything. Nobody's going to groan.

00;24;57;13 - 00;25;10;28
Meghan
So you had you had before Michael died, you were working towards a couple of goals that you wrote down in your journal. I want to hear about how you went back to those goals.

00;25;11;09 - 00;25;37;06
Christina
Wow, pretty quickly. Part of my goals every day was that I wrote down things that I was grateful for. But then I also wrote down things that were future goals that I was working towards. And I wrote that down every day. And the very first thing on my goals that I wrote down every day is I have my associates degree.

00;25;37;15 - 00;25;50;24
Christina
So going back 30 years, I was in school to, you know, going to school and was going to transfer the whole nine yards. And instead of bringing home a diploma, I brought home a baby.

00;25;53;00 - 00;25;57;23
Meghan
They give those out in college? Was that back in the nineties?

00;25;57;23 - 00;26;25;05
Christina
Yeah, that was in the nineties. Yes, the, it was the early nineties. So you either either got a diploma or a baby. Yeah. So I brought home a baby - she's my souvenir from college, and so I didn't get to complete my associate's degree and it was really this, this unfinished thing in my life. And my goal initially was to, to go to cosmetology school. My dad said, I really would like to see you get your associate's degree first.

00;26;25;05 - 00;26;52;28
Christina
And so I'm like, cool, was going toward my associate. I later did go and go to cosmetology school and spent 15 years in that industry. But I really wanted to go back and, and get that degree. And part of that is - this is kind of funny, but I've sat for years and listened to people and I love that like with clients and hearing their stories and watching their family grow and walking through things with families.

00;26;53;07 - 00;27;27;22
Christina
And so I thought while I was in that industry, hey, I want to go back and finish my degree and I want to become a counselor and so that was what I had been working on for 11 years, just slowly taking all of the classes. And so when Michael passed I was actually in school, I was sitting in a classroom when he passed and, and it was really interesting because I had those goals and we had some financial goals, some just some goals for our lives because we had those already in place.

00;27;28;05 - 00;27;55;18
Christina
And I kept working towards those. I didn't want, our son was in his freshman year, and I went back to school two weeks later and now I am about 20 days out from graduation, from completing my associate's degree. So that's also been an interesting thing that I want to build on is that in this two and a half years, one thing that I process, my counselor when he first met me was like, oh my goodness, yes.

00;27;55;18 - 00;28;11;03
Christina
You, you know, go to school, complete your degree and become a counselor. And really in this two and a half years, one thing that I've learned is that to stop and celebrate, because I come from a family where it's like we're like, OK, now that you hit the goal, what is the next thing?

00;28;11;07 - 00;28;12;06
Meghan
What's next? Yeah.

00;28;12;08 - 00;28;32;25
Christina
And I really have stopped in the season and said, no, I even literally I didn't tell my dad, like how close I was to my graduation. And I said, before I tell you what I'm about to tell you, I need you to not ask me what I'm going to do next. And he was like, OK, and then I said -

00;28;32;25 - 00;28;34;06
Meghan
What a healthy boundary.

00;28;35;22 - 00;28;53;06
Christina
And I told him, like, I am, you know, I'm about to, you know, receive my associate's degree. And I, you know, I don't want to talk about I want to celebrate this. I want to in life like I'm tired of that. Like, we don't celebrate things. So there were a couple of things that were really important to me.

00;28;53;06 - 00;29;27;04
Christina
After Michael died, I wanted to celebrate things and I wanted to go on adventures. And so yeah, when I graduate next month, like I'm going to celebrate that. But also in this two and a half year process, I have come to a place where that I realize that personally I have gone through a lot of stuff in my life, multiple instances of trauma with different things, and that currently in my life, I don't have the bandwidth, I don't have some of the things - my nervous systems kind of shot right now.

00;29;27;12 - 00;29;51;21
Christina
And I don't foresee my ability to be able to continue my education at this time in life. And so it's really this two and a half years, it's given me time to process what I would like to do. And quite honestly, what I want to do is have a garden and go on adventures and celebrate things and I don't know if I will continue education and that's OK.

00;29;52;03 - 00;30;01;13
Christina
So that's where I'm at with that. What about you? You have that kind of same - it's kind of, some of the parallels in our story are kind of like, wow, it's.

00;30;01;13 - 00;30;28;15
Meghan
So weird, right? Yeah. So yeah, when Jason died, I was in the process of getting my master's degree, a master's in business. So my career, I worked in the corporate world, and then now I work on my own. But my career has been in branding and graphic design. And art. So I wanted a degree or I wanted to go to business school because, yeah, I can make you a beautiful flier, but is it going to convert clients?

00;30;28;15 - 00;30;58;21
Meghan
I mean, are you going to get leads? What I need and I wanted to know, like business rules, practices and how to apply that knowledge in conjunction with graphic design to create stuff that converted, right, so that's why I wanted to get my master's. And so I was in school when he died. And after the class, after I finished the classes, I was taking and then I took some time off because I just I couldn't handle it.

00;30;58;21 - 00;31;15;25
Meghan
And then honestly, I didn't know if I could afford it because we lost his income. So I was like, I've got to make sure that I can afford to go back to school. And so I waited a while, and it was about a year and a half after he died that I was like, no, I want to finish this.

00;31;15;25 - 00;31;39;00
Meghan
I started it. I want to finish it. I don't, I don't even care if I don't use this business degree. I set a goal for myself and now I want to finish it. So it was the end of 2020 when I got my master's in business administration with a concentration in marketing. So I was really excited and I'm happy to have that.

00;31;39;28 - 00;32;00;12
Meghan
But yeah, that was a goal I had prior to him dying that I took some time off, took a break and then eventually picked it back up and went back to it because it's like, it's kind of like what you were saying. I, I want to, this is my life and I want to make sure that I am doing the things that I want to do.

00;32;00;20 - 00;32;19;18
Meghan
So I wanted to get that degree. Why would I stop just because this huge, this bad thing happened to me? Yeah, I'm going to take some time. I'm going to process, I'm going to grieve, but then I'm going to pick myself back up and and reach for those goals and keep trying, you know? 

00;32;19;18 - 00;32;40;21
Christina
Yes and I think that's really important if you're listening to this. I paused as well. So I finished the semester I was in -  I went back to school two weeks later, finished that semester. The following semester, there was a class that was only offered in the spring and I had to do it. But the following fall, I took the summer off 

00;32;40;21 - 00;33;08;19
Christina
I took that fall off, because I remember telling Meghan, like, I need to take this time off, like I have to take some time. And so I took about six months off of school, and then I went back and just this year. So if you are hearing this and you have a goal, please don't give up. Like just recognize this is just for a season of your life and maybe for a few months or a few years.

00;33;09;28 - 00;33;14;22
Christina
But pick it back up. You may feel like I'm never going to be able to pick that back up. You will. You'll be strong enough.

00;33;14;22 - 00;33;40;09
Meghan
You will. Mm hmm. Yeah, I, I also have in this time, so it's been almost four years since Jason died. I talked about how I am happy in my life. I have, you know, been really conscious to make choices and create a life for myself and my son that I'm happy in. I don't want to be constantly stressed out.

00;33;40;20 - 00;34;05;25
Meghan
I don't want to, you know, do things that I don't find joy in. I mean, I don't find joy in cleaning my house, but that's not what I mean. I just I want to make sure that my trajectory is one that I'm happy with, that I want to, you know, that I am happy to wake up each day and and step into my life because I am still here.

00;34;06;04 - 00;34;31;00
Meghan
I am still living. Jason is gone. And and that sucked but I'm still here, so I'm not going to waste my life. I want to do cool shit. I want to make cool things. You know, I but I was listening to a podcast recently, and she was saying, I just want to do cool things. Like, I want to do things that light my soul on fire.

00;34;31;00 - 00;34;56;27
Meghan
And like me to, you know, in my business, I've been doing branding and graphic design forever, and I've in the past year or so, I've shifted into more of an art focus. So I do paintings and illustrations. I got to illustrate a children's book in the last year,so, that was that was like a really cool career milestone for me, just like a bucket list professional thing.

00;34;56;29 - 00;35;35;15
Meghan
But yeah, I'm, I'm moving toward doing fine art and commissions and live event painting and things like that. So that makes me just, you know, I'm just, I'm just happy with how my life is moving forward. And in no small part due to figuring out how to find something to be grateful for and reach for joy in the beginning, you know, every single day it was like, OK, well, the only thing I'm happy about today is that I woke up or, you know, the only accomplishment I had was I made my son's lunch for school.

00;35;36;08 - 00;35;53;26
Meghan
So, you know, it went from that to getting a master's degree to shifting my entire business. So it's not like it happens overnight. But, you know, small steps every day leads you to a point where you can be happyin your life again. And that's what I'm trying to get at.

00;35;53;26 - 00;36;34;03
Christina
Yeah. It, when you start out, you just think like, oh, am I ever going to get past this phase? Yes, you you will, you will dream new dreams again. I mean, that's where I'm at right now is like, hey, I was just driving yesterday to see my counselor and I'm like, oh, my goodness. Like, I have hit in the last since Michael died, three major milestones of goals that I had and we had together as a couple and I'm like, I, I will share with you that one of the things I did was I really narrowed my focus down to those three goals, and I'm about to achieve those three goals.

00;36;34;03 - 00;36;37;23
Christina
And I'm like, Oh, my goodness, I've got to make new goals. I'm going to dream. New dream.

00;36;37;23 - 00;36;38;04
Meghan
Yeah.

00;36;38;07 - 00;37;01;18
Christina
And so that's been really exciting to go, OK, what, what do I want to do next? But it has been two and a half years of intentionally figuring out, like, how to build this life and what I want that life to look like. And my counselor a couple of times lately has said to me, you know, he talks about like he sees me, he did not know me , he did not knwo me pre -

00;37;04;24 - 00;37;05;06
Meghan
In the beforetimes

00;37;05;06 - 00;37;29;13
Christina
Yeah. Yeah. And so he didn't know me. And I think like he may have heard people talk about me. He seen footage of me speaking before and it's just like that light that spark in me had really gone out. And so he's like, I see that in you. I, you know, he sees that coming back and he's getting to see it.

00;37;29;13 - 00;37;51;24
Christina
And you can see how excited he is. And he talks about like, I've watched you in the last two and a half years. And so, and Meghan's talked about I listen to books on 2x speed. I listen to podcasts on 2x speed. As a side note, if you work for Netflix, can you please, please, please, I need there to be a setting on Netflix like YouTube where that you put stuff in 2X speed.

00;37;52;17 - 00;38;12;14
Christina
I need that. I just, you know, OK, for anybody to talk, I need all these videos to be in 2x speed. OK, there. I said it, but I couldn't do that. After Michael died. I couldn't process large amounts of information and two and a half years later, I'm there and it feels so good to start seeing that again.

00;38;12;14 - 00;38;29;29
Christina
And you know, I am. Yeah. Two and a half years in, I'm having to figure out what are the next goals in my life. I'm going to be able to travel again. I'm not confined to like being here for school and being in class and doing labs. So that is another big thing. In life is that I'm going to be able to travel now.

00;38;30;04 - 00;38;34;14
Meghan
Yeah, that's exciting. I still can't really do that, so.

00;38;34;14 - 00;38;37;11
Christina
You have a smart human.

00;38;37;11 - 00;38;41;14
Meghan
Yes, my son. Yeah, I have a small human, small human roommate.

00;38;43;17 - 00;38;46;28
Meghan
But yeah, no, I get it. That is that's awesome.

00;38;47;17 - 00;38;56;02
Christina
So those are those are some of the the new things that I'm doing. I'm also, I'm also dating.

00;38;56;02 - 00;38;56;19
Meghan
Yeah.

00;38;56;29 - 00;39;01;20
Christina
What a what about what about you, Meghan? Are you dating?

00;39;02;20 - 00;39;03;26
Meghan
I, girl.

00;39;06;21 - 00;39;29;11
Meghan
She asked the question as if she doesn't know the answer. Yeah, I have, I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. We've been dating for a while, so. Yeah, I didn't feel ready to date for a long time after Jason died, but we'll probably, probably go more into that in a new episode or another episode.

00;39;30;07 - 00;39;58;03
Christina
One of the things that was very important to me after Michael died was going on adventures. And so that is something that I have been able to do that I have really focused on. Even if it was on a weekend. However, what that look like has been exploring the area around me. And so I've been able - that is another goal thing that is different - where that Michael and I would have driven past so many beaches and just different stuff like that,

00;39;58;03 - 00;40;18;03
Christina
And now I'm able to get out and explore and so that is something big in my life that's changed. I mentioned this before. My friend Carlos asked me one time, he said, Cristina, you sit in your car and you look at the beach. But he said, do you ever get out? And I think that that is something that I am the oldest of four.

00;40;18;03 - 00;40;38;14
Christina
And so I like a lot of time stood on the outside and watched my siblings play or like I remember vividly watching my siblings interact with my dad, like they were down on the floor wrestling, like playing around and I remember like just standing there, like watching and I found myself, like I need to engage in life.

00;40;38;14 - 00;40;44;06
Christina
And that is something I'm very proud of, is that I go out and I experience the things and not just stand back and watch them.

00;40;44;24 - 00;41;13;03
Meghan
Right? It just goes back to saying, you know, you have an opportunity now to do things you want to do, whether it's goals you had before, whether it's new goals you're setting, or areas where you're just like man, I wish I would have been better about exploring and going on adventures. You have that opportunity now, so take it, you know, you're still here and so make the most of it.

00;41;13;11 - 00;41;32;14
Christina
And for me, it's a little bit different because we were waiting for Michael to retire and so it's also processing that that, like he didn't make it to get to do those things. But now I'm like, well, I'm going to go do them because I am still here. And it also is this is like this really big -

00;41;32;14 - 00;41;52;09
Christina
Meghan and I have talked about this so often. Like, we, we have this whole new respect for the fact that life is very short and it's very precious. And you can't wait until retirement. You cannot you can't assume that you're going to you're not promised tomorrow. So every single day this it's not a gift. I don't know how to explain it.

00;41;52;09 - 00;42;18;07
Christina
Is it a gift? Is it not a gift that we have this this awareness every single day? That we're not promised tomorrow. And so today, if it was your last day, like at the end of the day, every single day, I'm like, did I do the things did I say at the beginning of now, beginning of now, at the beginning of every day, I start out with the intention of what do I want this day to look like?

00;42;19;15 - 00;42;41;00
Christina
I set the intention for what I want to bring into my day and the couple of things I want to accomplish. And that is something that's very different than it was two and a half years ago than it was while Michael was alive. And at the end of the day, I asked myself did did I accomplished that mission in life that day?

00;42;41;15 - 00;42;49;04
Christina
And I am, I like that. It's, you know, yeah, it's this really sad gift that I got, but I use it for - 

00;42;49;11 - 00;43;17;22
Meghan
Right. It's a lesson. Yeah, I, I can relate. I definitely, absolutely feel the same way. But for me, it looks a little bit different because I'm, you know, I'm running a business and raising a school aged kid, you know, so I'm, I don't have the ability to just up and go somewhere or I have to have, you know, some kind of routine with my life.

00;43;18;05 - 00;43;43;07
Meghan
But what I, what I do now is I am more selective about the clients I take on. If I am not feeling your energy, I am not going to work with you, you know? So I am just I am more selective in that way about my business stuff. I certainly do not stay up till three or four in the morning building a website anymore.

00;43;43;18 - 00;44;01;05
Meghan
It's for me it's like I am more selective now about how I spend my own energy in relationships, in business. I'm just more aware of my time and what I'm putting it towards.

00;44;01;16 - 00;44;25;09
Christina
Yeah. Because you realize time is precious. It's so valuable and you you can know that on some level prior to losing someone you love, but it, it just yeah, it just hits very differently after you lose somebody who's close to you. And then when you see other people lose someone, it's, again, a reminder to, you know, it's precious.

00;44;25;09 - 00;44;46;04
Meghan
It is. Yeah. Or even somebody that has a close call, you know, it's like, man, you know, this, this person just had a heart attack. They survived, they lived. And I'm so happy. But it's just a reminder or like, you know, this person got in a car wreck. It's just a reminder that life is precious. It could be gone in an instant.

00;44;46;04 - 00;45;04;05
Meghan
So what are you doing? You know, so speaking of, I want to, you know, what are some things that you're proud of, apart from getting your associates or being almost done with it? What are some things that you're proud of that you've accomplished or that you've changed or done in the past two and a half years?

00;45;06;00 - 00;45;26;13
Christina
I think like I've talked about this before, about like working with contractors to do things in the yard there are things that Michael would always say, like, the house is yours, which makes sense. Like he you know, I decorated. He wasn't like, hey, I'm going to hang this elk head right here in the living room. It wasn't that.

00;45;26;19 - 00;45;32;06
Christina
And I had free reign to decorate, but he was like, The outside is mine. And I'm like, cool, you know?

00;45;32;23 - 00;45;40;27
Meghan
So Jason was kind of like that, too, like almost like these very traditional gender roles, which I am not a huge fan of as a person.

00;45;43;13 - 00;46;10;21
Christina
I think we are. We are into the same man and we're the same person. It is. It's so true. Like for both of us, I've seen that reflected a lot in you and I. So I had the driveway redone. I also had I put rock in front of my house. There was, I've had gutters redone. I've had a lot of things done outside of the home as well as inside of the home.

00;46;10;21 - 00;46;28;22
Christina
So I'm proud of those things. I was, you know, just just that type of stuff. And yeah, much like you, but you take it to the next level. Like you build you legit, build you, you build it. Yeah.

00;46;29;05 - 00;46;46;22
Meghan
I am just, so Jason was really handy. He was really good at that sort of thing. And, you know, I gleaned a little bit from just watching him and we've talked before about how when I do have a repair person or somebody come out to my house to fix something or whatever, I'm watching and learning so that maybe I can do it next time.

00;46;47;19 - 00;46;56;28
Meghan
But yeah, I am proud that of where I am in this handy woman journey. Would you say Handy Woman or Handy Ma'am?

00;46;59;04 - 00;47;00;29
Christina
I was thinking a handy person, kind of like a mail person.

00;47;00;29 - 00;47;23;03
Meghan
Oh, OK. Sure. Yeah, OK. Yeah, we'll keep it gender neutral. But anyway, I'm I'm happy about where I am. You know, I have gotten a lot of experience with like, plumbing stuff. I replaced the toilet, I've fixed other toilets, I fixed my pool equipment a handful of times, just various things. I built my son this, like, fort, for his room.

00;47;23;03 - 00;47;44;16
Meghan
Like I made it out of wood and saws and nails and power tools. That was the first really big thing that I built was his for it over his bed. Just other things. Like, I replaced my garbage disposal when it went out and just having the confidence to just Google, Can I do this or do I need a professional?

00;47;44;16 - 00;48;04;01
Meghan
You know, just that first step where it's like watching this YouTube video of replacing it, it's like, Oh, OK, this doesn't look that hard. I think I can do this, you know? And so I rebuilt, I have this like double gate on part of my fence. It's like a gate that opens big enough for like a car to drive through.

00;48;04;03 - 00;48;31;05
Meghan
It's like a double gate. So I had one of those and it was sagging like crazy like just a little like just a little kiss from the wind was kind of knock it over, you know, it was crazy old. And anyway, so I rebuilt it and I was really proud of that. So just where you know, how far I've come from watching and being kind of nervous to pick up the tool and just try to where I am now, where it's like, well, yeah, I'll try.

00;48;31;05 - 00;48;35;08
Meghan
What's the worst that can happen? It breaks, I don't know, then I'll fix it again.

00;48;35;12 - 00;48;57;12
Christina
Exactly. Exactly. Yes, yes. Learning to trust yourself and have confidence. It's a really interesting journey. And so yes, and it's been fun to watch you because you're a little bit further up in the, you know, in this adventure and so yeah. Yeah. It's like, OK, she's, she's hit level 12 and at level 12, apparently you get these new tools in your tool bag.

00;48;57;12 - 00;49;21;19
Christina
And so it's kind of it's cool to watch. And so I think that's like why I really wanted to do, you know, when we talked about this episode, I think that's what's so exciting is that if you are six months into this and you can look at us and go, OK, at two and a half years, like, oh, OK, like you are eventually going to be able to get back up and stand back up and you're going to have a slow walk and then there's going to be this little jog and then like eventually you can sprint again.

00;49;21;19 - 00;49;22;27
Christina
So I think that is very exciting to see that.

00;49;26;23 - 00;49;54;03
Meghan
I will say that when I was at the beginning, you know, a couple of months kind of in that time frame, right after Jason died, I didn't really want to hear other people succeeding. I felt like, it felt like I was never going to get out of it. And I also didn't want to hear when people did. And I think that was just maybe the anger that I had bubbling up that I had that I didn't really label

00;49;54;03 - 00;50;09;18
Meghan
Or I couldn't really label yet, but so that's something that I felt early on that I was just like, you know, people would tell me you're going to feel better. And it's almost like I didn't want to feel better. It's like, I don't want to be in this. Like, I don't want to feel better.

00;50;09;18 - 00;50;10;21
Meghan
I want what I had.

00;50;11;04 - 00;50;30;24
Christina
Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. I know when I met you, I was six months out from losing Michael. And yet I remember you would talk about different things, and I was just, like, so confused, like, I don't understand? Like, she was saying, she's happy and I'm like, What? Like, oh, but yeah, it's just so confusing.

00;50;30;25 - 00;50;50;22
Christina
So if you're hearing us, like, know that we have been in that space, and. Yeah, and we see you, we've been there. And, um, because I think, like, man, I remember it was hard to hear that stuff and go, like, I don't understand where she's coming from. And now I'm like, Oh, somebody probably thinks the same thing in this process, so.

00;50;50;26 - 00;51;04;06
Meghan
Right. Exactly. Yeah. So that's why I wanted to bring that up. But yeah, so that's where we are now, almost four years for me, two and a half years for Christina and, you know, a lifetime to go.

00;51;04;20 - 00;51;32;29
Christina
I still you know, I think we'll probably spend an entire show talking about this, but I still haven't cleaned out Michael's clothes. I, I still haven't got rid of any of this stuff. And so I know, like, I got to watch you, you know, many years into the process to do that type of stuff. So you know that if you are two and a half years in and you still haven't cleaned out their drawers, that, hey, I'm there, too.

00;51;32;29 - 00;51;53;07
Christina
I haven't you know, that's on it's on the docket, but it's just hasn't, I haven't been able to do that. I feel like I'm a lot closer to that. It is my plan this summer to be able to go through and organize his stuff. And I think it will happen in phases where that, like, I organize it and then eventually move it into, you know, a storage area.

00;51;53;17 - 00;52;09;17
Christina
You know, here at my home, that type of thing. But wherever you are in this process, somebody else has been there, too. You are not alone. It just it feels it can feel very rotten at the beginning. But it it does get better, I promise. It does get better.

00;52;10;10 - 00;52;16;26
Meghan
It does. And you you start to feel like yourself again. You might be a new person, but you're still yourself.

00;52;17;02 - 00;52;17;27
Christina
Mm hmm. Yeah.

00;52;18;00 - 00;52;21;09
Meghan
OK. Do you have anything else to add for this episode?

00;52;21;14 - 00;52;41;23
Christina
Not to the episode, but again, I always like to say thank you. It is great to get to interact with you all on social media and to hear the feedback from you guys. I, I love it. I love getting to know people. So again, send us your stories. Tell us your stories. Keep those coming. Let us know content that you want to hear on the podcast.

00;52;41;23 - 00;53;04;05
Christina
Is there something that your experiencing or Hey, what do I do about this? Or have you guys experienced this? I mean, oh friends, we are still experiencing just crazy stuff that you wouldn't expect in this process. And I'm two and a half years end. So if that's you, you know, somebody in this community has probably experienced it, so send it our way.

00;53;04;11 - 00;53;05;02
Christina
What about you?

00;53;05;03 - 00;53;25;14
Meghan
Well, I was also going to say thank you for listening and for being here. If this is helpful to you. One of the best ways for other people to find us is for you to leave a review. So wherever you listen to podcasts, if you don't mind leaving a review that helps us kind of pop up in search results and stuff.

00;53;25;14 - 00;53;40;00
Meghan
So that would be so lovely. All right. Well, the time has come. So whether your cup is empty, half full or overflowing, raise it up. Here's to the craziness of life after loss. Cheers.

00;53;42;14 - 00;53;59;15
Meghan
Thank you so much for being here with us. Please subscribe to our podcast if you found it helpful. And you can also find us on social media, on Instagram at Full Cup Club podcast. And if you search Full CupClub podcast on Facebook again, thanks, friends, and we'll see you next time.