11 - Nobody is Coming to Save You: Part 1

We are so grateful for the community that gathers when tragedy happens, but what happens when the helpers have to get back to their lives? It happens, as it should, and that's okay! In part 1 of this two part series we talk about what you can do to comfort yourself and take care of yourself as you get into your "new normal" as you are grieving a loss.

Links:
"Self Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself" book by Kristen Kneff
(p.s. at the time of posting, this is included with Prime reading, which means the e-book is free to read if you have an Amazon Prime membership)

Meghan's Mental Pump Up Playlist: https://music.amazon.com/user-playlists/0a7d083a552d403092a47930c57a8c2esune?ref=dm_sh_be16-4663-86f9-4aca-b7566

"The Nights" by Avicii: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UtF6Jej8yb4

If you find this podcast helpful, please subscribe and leave us a review! New episodes are available every Wednesday. Thanks for being here!

Transcript

00;00;00;00 - 00;00;20;01
Christina
I kind of wonder sometimes if people think podcasting is glamorous and if they realize that I am actually sitting in my closet like at a tiny desk, like all huddled in here. I don't know. Do you ever think that, like, we're not super fancy. Yeah, we're not even in the same room. We're not even in the same state.

00;00;20;01 - 00;00;22;16
Meghan
There is no studio setup.

00;00;23;03 - 00;00;37;22
Christina
 And both of us, we got we got a good, messy bun going on today. Both of us. I mean, yeah. Yeah. It's super glamorous for those of you who think this is fancy. Yeah. I have a coat hanging next to me and a backpack. Like, are.

00;00;37;22 - 00;00;43;07
Meghan
Are there people that think it's fancy? Raise your hand if you think podcasting is glamorous.

00;00;43;28 - 00;00;44;23
Christina
It is not.

00;00;45;00 - 00;00;45;22
Meghan
And there's crickets.

00;00;46;26 - 00;00;47;18
Christina
Exactly.

00;00;47;25 - 00;00;49;01
Meghan
Hi, I'm Megan.

00;00;49;01 - 00;00;52;23
Christina
And I am Christina, and this is the Full Cup Club podcast.

00;00;52;23 - 00;01;01;29
Meghan
We're here to talk through the good, the bad and the ugly of loss, whether that's losing a loved one, a job a dream, or even your marbles.

00;01;02;16 - 00;01;24;14
Christina
So whether your cup has coffee, tea, or vodka in it, welcome to the Full Cup Club. So fans welcome to the Full Cup Club podcast. On today's episode, we are going to discuss this idea that no one is coming to save you. And before we get started, Meghan, what's in your cup today?

00;01;24;21 - 00;01;39;09
Meghan
I was just taking a drink as you asked, and I was like, oh no, I think from this point until, like, October, you could ask, Hey, Meghan, what flavor sparkling water are you drinking today?

00;01;39;22 - 00;01;42;00
Christina
Okay. Good to know. Good to know. 

00;01;42;06 - 00;01;52;19
Meghan
Because it's warm here, and I think it's so refreshing and good. So I'll just make an effort to try a new flavor and give you my review every week.

00;01;52;19 - 00;01;53;18
Christina
That's a good idea.

00;01;53;18 - 00;02;12;25
Meghan
This one's good. I really like it. San Pellegrino Cherry and Pomegranate. And you know what? Last week, I had strawberry flavored Waterloo, and at first I was like, you know, I don't know that I would buy it again, but I really came around on it, and now I like it. I've had the rest of the box since last week.

00;02;13;14 - 00;02;18;18
Christina
Yeah. Yeah. Static water is still I don't see that happening for me, so. Yeah.

00;02;19;13 - 00;02;25;05
Meghan
What are you. Okay, well, let me ask you, what kind of tea are you drinking today? 

00;02;25;05 - 00;02;42;08
Christina
You know me well. I'm actually drinking - it's called Sugar Cookie. They don't make it anymore. I don't know what's up with me in these teas that I find that are amazing and delicious. But it's a sugar cookie. I'm not even going to tell you. It's made by because I've searched the Internet far and wide, and the company went out of business.

00;02;42;08 - 00;02;45;04
Christina
But, yeah, it's delicious. It's sugar cookie. And I'm so sad.

00;02;45;05 - 00;02;46;05
Meghan
Is it sweet?

00;02;46;24 - 00;02;56;25
Christina
I don't put sugar in it, but it's tasty like, it's sweet. Yeah, but there's no sugar. It's delicious. I love me some tea. It's cold outside. And yeah.

00;02;56;28 - 00;03;09;24
Meghan
That's crazy to me to think that it's cold outside because it's like 85 degrees here, which is not as hot as it gets. But it's definitely like, I went for a walk today, and I'm a little sweaty.

00;03;10;06 - 00;03;36;05
Christina
Oh, wow. Yeah. It's pouring rain here where there's no outdoor walkin. Friends on today's episode, we are going to talk about this idea that no one is coming to save you. And what that looks like is if you have lost someone in the very beginning, a lot of people may show up to help you and they're going to surround you and be supportive.

00;03;36;05 - 00;04;03;08
Christina
We talked about this in episode five, how some people in our lives were just some of the greatest heroes early on in our story. And but the reality is that those people, a lot of them have they have to go back to their lives. They have families. If you think about it, like you were shipwrecked on an island and maybe there are natives on the island and the natives come out and they recognize, oh, this person's going to need, you know, shelter and clothing and all of these basic needs met.

00;04;03;08 - 00;04;24;15
Christina
But then at some point the natives are going to expect you to stand on your own and like take care of your own stuff because they have to go back and take care of their families. And so that's what we're talking about today. And just just so you know, this is kind of a hard thing because I don't think a lot of people realize this early on that that help may not always be there.

00;04;24;15 - 00;04;44;07
Christina
And so what we want to do is encourage you and maybe kind of soften that blow a little bit by warning you that the support you received in the beginning, it is going to go away at some point. And we want you to be able to prepare for that and to prepare for starting to stand on your own two feet.

00;04;44;18 - 00;05;05;12
Meghan
Yep. People just have to get back to their lives, you know, your friends and family they're hopefully very happy to help you, but you have to get back to your life, too. And standing on your own two feet, like Christina said. And you know, moving forward and creating your your new reality, your new life.

00;05;05;27 - 00;05;36;27
Christina
So I think sometimes in that process, that can be really hard and you can feel angry that people are gone and you can feel you can feel very lost and alone. And it's okay to feel those feelings, but then you have to get back up. And so one of the things that we found, we saw is that I saw a therapist talking about this the other day that allow yourself to feel all the feelings.

00;05;36;27 - 00;06;10;21
Christina
You're going to feel a lot of feelings during this time. And if you just don't tell yourself the story, if you just allow yourself to feel set with those feelings, that for 90 seconds, after 90 seconds, that's all the time it takes. And so allow yourself to feel sad and that that's hard and all of those things. And don't tell yourself any stories about like, oh, where are people at - all of those types of things - let yourself feel it.

00;06;10;28 - 00;06;37;28
Meghan
So what does that mean? Don't tell yourself a story. So you're feeling sad, right? Let's choose sadness as the feeling. You're feeling sad. You miss your partner, your pet, your person, your old job, whatever it is, you're feeling sad. You sit with that sad feeling, but you don't snowball it. You don't say, Oh, I miss my partner. And then, now who's going to do this?

00;06;37;28 - 00;07;05;11
Meghan
Around the house? And now, now who's going to how am I going to do this without them? No. You just feel the sadness that you're feeling and only takes 90 seconds and then you'll feel better. You might not feel stellar, but that feeling will pass yes. If you sit with it, feel it. Let it in. Take a deep breath and then move forward.

00;07;05;13 - 00;07;26;24
Meghan
Just 90 seconds. But it's important to not tell yourself those stories where it's like, Oh, this is why I'm feeling sad. And then also this other thing. And then also, I was late to work today, or there was traffic or Starbucks got my order wrong or, you know, and you kind of once you're in that negative mindset, you're just pulling all of these other things in with you.

00;07;27;00 - 00;07;28;26
Meghan
It's important not to do that.

00;07;28;28 - 00;07;48;19
Christina
I think sometimes too, we can think like, where, where did all the people go? Don't they know that I am still hurting? Don't they know that my world is shattered and I'm still picking myself up? Where are they? Where where are all of those people that helped in the beginning and said they'd be here? Guess what? They have lives, right?

00;07;48;19 - 00;08;12;03
Christina
Don't tell yourself those stories. Don't you're telling yourself that your kids don't care or you know, my best friend doesn't understand - allow yourself to feel it. This is this is hard. This is probably one of the hardest things you've ever been through in your life. Let yourself feel it. But then you're going to have to get back up and that's really what we want to talk about today.

00;08;12;06 - 00;08;27;26
Christina
That's something we feel very strongly about in this podcast. Is helping you to understand really practical ways that you can get back up from this and not stay down. It's one thing to fall down. It's another thing to stay down.

00;08;28;00 - 00;08;50;14
Meghan
Yes. So what does it look like? What does it look like when you are getting back up? When you are in your new life, you can visualize it. How are you going to move forward? What is it that you need to do in your life to put one foot in front of the other to start living again once you have lost your person, whoever it is.

00;08;51;01 - 00;09;10;19
Christina
Yes, because that person may have been your your main support system you know, sometimes, you know, it can be a child, it can be a job. But in some cases, when it is your main person that you find comfort in that person you can vent to, that can be very challenging.

00;09;10;26 - 00;09;40;22
Meghan
Right. Particularly I think when there's a spouse or girlfriend, boyfriend, a partner that is your it's your person you tell everything to. And so then you're like, oh, this funny thing happened, but you don't have your person to tell, you know? So and that sucks. It's hard. But then sit with that difficult feeling taken in don't snowball it and just breathe for 90 seconds and you'll feel better.

00;09;41;04 - 00;09;50;12
Meghan
One of the things I like to or one of the analogies I like is that the lotus flower blooms from muddy water.

00;09;50;15 - 00;09;51;23
Christina
I did not realize that.

00;09;51;26 - 00;10;12;28
Meghan
Mm hmm. Yeah. So lotus flowers bloom and then they and then they go, they close up, then they bloom every day. So each day is a new bloom, and they only bloom in muddy water. So if you think of yourself as a lotus flower, each day is a new beginning. You you're the muddy water is the terrible thing that has happened to you.

00;10;12;28 - 00;10;19;11
Meghan
You know, your loss, whatever it is, but you have the opportunity to bloom like a lotus flower every day.

00;10;19;11 - 00;10;20;27
Christina
I love that. I love.

00;10;20;27 - 00;10;21;12
Meghan
That.

00;10;21;20 - 00;10;46;11
Christina
So one of the things that I learned recently is and watching a therapist was they talked about she talked about this idea that when you have been through something traumatic, that your nervous system kind of can't handle all of this. I think about two parallel lines and that normally maybe your nervous system was those two parallel lines. But then think of two parallel lines inside of those that really narrow down.

00;10;46;19 - 00;11;13;28
Christina
And that gap is when something happens, like maybe you're triggered about something you have such a narrow, you know, just that narrow region right there were that you're set off pretty easily. You're you can't handle a lot when you've been through something hard. And what she talked about is the things that help expand that narrowness out back to, you know, your full capacity is self-care.

00;11;14;16 - 00;11;35;24
Christina
And I really sound like, whoa, I have found that in my life. And so to hear somebody say that was like, wow, this is really a thing so what we want to talk about is a couple of things is that when we lose our person and maybe it was a parent and that parent was the person that you talk to all the time, the parent was the person who you shared all the history with.

00;11;37;08 - 00;11;56;15
Christina
And this happened this weekend where that something happened. And Michael was the only person I shared that history with. And so it was like, oh, there is no one to talk to about this. No one in my life. And I had to sit with that. And so if you're that person, maybe that that was your comfort person, you're going to have to learn to self soothe.

00;11;56;15 - 00;12;25;26
Christina
And so we want to talk about this idea of self-soothing. And there's a really great book by Kristen Neff. It's recommended, I read a lot of books and I hear people quote her and she talks about comforting yourself, about self-care and and just the self-compassion is what the book is about. And she talks about and we've we've mentioned her before talking to yourself like you would talk to a friend or a child.

00;12;27;05 - 00;12;48;19
Christina
And so just looking at those types of things. So we're going to go through a list of of looking at how would would a friend comfort you and some ways that you can do that for yourself or a partner and those comforting things. So what is one way, Meghan, that you have found that to kind of self-soothe, to self comfort in this process?

00;12;48;19 - 00;13;15;07
Meghan
For me, I get very overwhelmed by sounds and by just too much going on in my life, too many people talking to me or whatever. So if I can just have a moment where I can just take a deep breath, I'm quiet, I'm just in a quiet room by myself and I can take a few deep breaths, deep fully expand your lungs, breaths.

00;13;15;21 - 00;13;42;06
Meghan
That is something that really helps me. You know, when I'm in a bind, when I don't have time to like, you know, vacuum or something. Something. Yeah, I love those vacuum lines. But, you know, when I when I'm just like feeling really overwhelmed in a moment where it's, you know, just too much going on, I just have to be by myself for a second, sneak away, take a few deep breaths and then get back to whatever I was doing.

00;13;42;13 - 00;14;14;06
Christina
I like that. Yeah. I've I haven't read up on it a lot, but one of the topics that I want to read out more is like that vagus nerve and helping with your nervous system. I did hear an instructor talk about, like, when you're breathing like that just for breathing purposes, to think about, just imagine that you have these big, beautiful wings on your back and that when you're breathing, like when you take that deep breath in that you're expanding those wings and you're having this wings open up.

00;14;14;06 - 00;14;18;08
Christina
And I love that. I use that as a visual when I  do that.

00;14;18;08 - 00;14;19;26
Meghan
I love that, that's beautiful.

00;14;20;07 - 00;14;35;27
Christina
And along those lines, I think like what you're talking about, mine looks a little bit different than that, is that I will sit down in my chair and I will do a meditation. So along those same lines, I did not discover meditation until after Michael died.

00;14;37;28 - 00;14;59;23
Christina
Really, because of the focus issue. I have A.D.D. and I had seen where that meditation really helps people with A.D.D. to learn to focus. And I was like, what? What could this possibly have? But really, the instructor is teaching you to like when those thoughts come into your head to simply notice them - they'll say simply notice and then go back to focusing.

00;15;00;03 - 00;15;21;26
Christina
And it helped me a lot in that process when you know you're because your brain is so overwhelmed with all of these different things. And so meditation, I happen to have an app on my phone that I already used for meditation. But if you don't have one, a lot of exercise apps will have meditation as a feature. So check if you have one already.

00;15;21;26 - 00;15;38;16
Christina
If not, check it out YouTube. YouTube is is going to have free content where somebody is doing a meditation with you. So I highly recommend that - it really help me to notice even like intrusive thoughts.

00;15;38;17 - 00;16;07;04
Meghan
I really struggle with meditation because I cannot quiet my mind. I'm just constantly bouncing all over the place. But one thing that helped me was thinking of it like, like something coming from above you, like like a rope, like a, like a string coming above you through you and then back up and it connects to where it was above you.

00;16;07;04 - 00;16;41;09
Meghan
So it like comes down through you and then out the bottom of your feet and then back up and reconnects at the top. So it's like the meditation and kind of coming down from wherever, from your source, your energy, your God, your whoever, your whatever, coming down through you and then circling back up and connecting. You could even do it within yourself where it's just like looping from your head to your toes, but thinking about that string and following it really helped me focus on the meditation.

00;16;41;10 - 00;17;02;27
Christina
For me, I had to because I hadn't done meditation before I didn't realize because I was like, Oh, my, my mind bounces all over the place. If you're somebody who prays, you know that this is like, you know, when you're a little you're just like your praying and your mind is like you're praying, and then all of a sudden you're like mentally like making a list of things that you need to do.

00;17;03;05 - 00;17;25;15
Christina
And so it's, it's a very similar thing where that when you're meditating, what you're doing, it's, it's basically it's a lot like prayer is that you are focusing on just like maybe relaxing your shoulders. The instructor's leading through, like relax your shoulders, relax your arms and you well, your mind will wander off and they will encourage you like it's okay if your mind wandered off.

00;17;25;15 - 00;17;44;15
Christina
Just bring it back. It's okay. Oh, you noticed that sound. And so I would encourage you to check out my meditation. It's basically like this muscle that you exercise and you get stronger and eventually you are able to block out the things around you that might be tripping you up and so that your body is able to focus and you will find what they found.

00;17;44;15 - 00;18;18;05
Christina
I've seen stuff where that, like, little kids are able to focus much better in school when they have learned to practice this. So that was something that I found very helpful. I set up a very comfy little - this is another self-soothing thing - is to set up a little area. I have my chair and I have everything around me, soft lighting and a warm blanket and all of that stuff to sit there and in the middle of the day, if I'm struggling I go sit my chair, I turn on a five minute meditation and it really helps me a lot.

00;18;18;05 - 00;18;24;29
Christina
And that is one of the probably one of the number one ways that I would say that I self-soothe when I'm really struggling.

00;18;24;29 - 00;18;51;02
Meghan
You brought up something that meditations do not have to be long, a five minute meditation is enough of a break. You can meditate for longer, but a lot of time I find it difficult to meditate for a long time. But just even like Kristina said, like 5 minutes in a comfortable spot. I have I've said this before, but I have very comfortable blankets in every room in my house.

00;18;51;16 - 00;19;16;24
Meghan
Now we are entering the warm season. So it is they're not going to be, as you know, used quite as frequently. But through the colder months, every single room in my house has a comfortable blanket. So no matter where I am, I can kind of like snuggle up, like I can wrap up. Something I find really comforting is when my house smells good.

00;19;17;12 - 00;19;48;12
Meghan
So I am constantly having wax melts going, burning candles, spraying Febreeze. Like, I just really like when my house smells nice and something I did in the first short while after Jason passed, he wore a lot of cologne, He was a cologne man. He had all sorts of different ones. And I am a scents person. I recognize that.

00;19;48;12 - 00;20;14;05
Meghan
You know, I think a lot of us are a scents trigger memories, right? So I would spray his cologne on a pillow or a blanket and like, snuggle with that in the beginning, you know, I don't really do that anymore, but it's so cologne or perfume, you know, even laundry detergent, right? Like just, aftershave. Just those smells from your person.

00;20;14;13 - 00;20;20;06
Meghan
Those that can be something very comforting, particularly in the beginning. It was for me.

00;20;20;15 - 00;20;44;21
Christina
Yeah. I actually I don't even know if I've told you about this, but I had one of - someone he worked with, reached out and said, I'd love to make you a pillow out of one of his, Michael's shirts. And I just couldn't part with anything. I just wasn't ready. And about a month ago, I thought, I'm ready and one of the textures, one of the things was his work shirt as uniform that I was used to hugging.

00;20;44;22 - 00;21;03;12
Christina
I was I hugged him before he left, kissed him and hugged him goodbye. And I was going to have that redone. And I was like, what if I just slip that over his pillow? And I did that and it fit like, great. And so I'm able to, like, hug that pillow with that particular texture of shirt that he wore every day.

00;21;03;16 - 00;21;23;25
Christina
So, yeah. So another really quick idea is maybe yoga or stretching. You might find that you have a lot of knots, there's a lot of tension, you're holding a lot of things in your body. So if you're able to have a massage done, things like that are very helpful. In that season. I was able to do that early on.

00;21;23;25 - 00;21;28;12
Christina
So those are some ways that you can self-soothe outside of that.

00;21;28;21 - 00;21;59;17
Meghan
I think that also kind of along the lines of meditation, along the lines of being alone with your thoughts, the idea that and we saw this on the goalcast Instagram page, but the idea that it if you think positive thoughts for 17 seconds it'll kind of snowball into more positive thoughts. So those thoughts kind of attract each other and they build on each other but the same is true for negative thoughts.

00;21;59;17 - 00;22;26;17
Meghan
So if you are in a negative mindset for 17 seconds, it's going to snowball. And so while it's very important to feel for the feelings and to wade through them and to not ignore them, if you're catching yourself dwelling on these feelings and you just can't pull yourself up, what's something you can notice, something good in your life that's happened?

00;22;26;17 - 00;22;47;02
Meghan
You know, maybe the sunset is beautiful maybe your flowers are blooming, maybe your coffee is perfect, maybe you get to eat your favorite food. Like what is something small like that that you can notice and think about because that's going to snowball into more positive thoughts.

00;22;47;11 - 00;23;09;27
Christina
Yes. Yes. Because again, friends, for some of us, you know, your family may live hundreds of miles away. Your children may be grown or you may not have children yet. I don't know what your situation is, but you may find yourself very alone and you are going to have to pick yourself up there may be no one there to do that.

00;23;09;27 - 00;23;43;21
Christina
And so you need to find strategies that work for you. And if you are in a negative mindset, it really can be difficult to get yourself out and just, recognize that your brain builds neural pathways and so if you are constantly thinking negative thoughts, think about if you've ever seen a road where that a stream like water has ran down the road, it will it will forge this very deep ravine in that road.

00;23;43;29 - 00;24;11;12
Christina
And what happens is that's kind of what happens with us. It's just that easy track that our brain goes where that water flows. And so you have built that neural pathway in your brain and you're going to have to get yourself out of that and so positive thoughts, thinking about positive thoughts and things that bring you joy, you will have you need to build a different you need to build a different pathway in your brain and you can do it.

00;24;11;12 - 00;24;31;24
Christina
I have done it in the past. So I'm I'm telling you this from experience, like Meghan's saying, make a list of things. When you wake up in the morning, practice gratitude. I had to make it a thing. Put a Post-it on your phone or right next to your bed to say, what are three things I'm grateful for? How am I going to make this a great day?

00;24;31;24 - 00;24;53;06
Christina
I learned this stuff from Tim Ferriss, which is another podcaster, I learned this from him years ago. It made a difference when I was really going through a difficult time to help me to reset my brain in the morning. So find the practices that work for you. Take this seriously, like this is your life. And again, no one's coming to to save you.

00;24;53;06 - 00;25;16;11
Meghan
Right. I had to do that to practicing gratitude. And the examples that I listed were my personal examples. It was I found beauty in the sunset. I got so excited when flowers would bloom. It was those things that I was like, Man, I am struggling so much right now. I don't know, my life is kind of spiraling, but this is a beautiful moment.

00;25;17;02 - 00;25;24;19
Meghan
So you can have both, you know, you can be sad and struggling, but also recognize those positive things.

00;25;24;26 - 00;25;47;17
Christina
Yes, and I think I really love just this idea of if you don't have friends around, like, think of what you would say to a friend. Kristen Neff talks about this in her book, like Talk to yourself. We said this earlier. Talk to yourself like you'd talk to a friend or a small child. And in her book, she talks about a lot of times the self-talk we have in her head -

00;25;47;17 - 00;26;15;09
Christina
If you had parents who are not positive, sometimes if they talk to you negatively, sometimes the self-talk listen to yourself, the way you talk to yourself. And if it's negative, sometimes the roots of that can be and may be your original caregiver, but you can change that self-talk. And maybe you're very positive. I try to be very positive, but I catch myself being negative with myself.

00;26;15;09 - 00;26;47;28
Christina
And so one thing that I have done in this thing, in this this practice, is I think like, what would a friend say to me, which is what she talks about in the book. And I actually have Post-its hanging above my desk of things. And Meghan and I were talking earlier, we kind of came up with an idea and I'll let Meghan share about. I was thinking Post-its of things above the desk, like, you know, you're doing great or mine that hangs about my desk says this is hard, it's a lot.

00;26;47;28 - 00;27;12;29
Christina
And that's okay. That's one of the things that I say to myself and the sucks, but you're going to me. You know, I think that's like being really real with myself of like acknowledging this is hard, but like, you're doing great, right? And so Meghan had an idea before we started about a way that you can support somebody or you could do this yourself.

00;27;12;29 - 00;27;33;28
Meghan
Going back to what you were saying, it's kind of that idea that everything is temporary, it sucks, but you're going to make it through because it's not permanent, it's not forever. You're going to move forward and you are going to, you know, build a new life, new memories. You are going to be okay. But it sucks right now and it's going to suck.

00;27;34;09 - 00;27;50;29
Meghan
It's going to suck, you know, here and there as you go on. But it's temporary. You will make it. But an idea I had or maybe is it something I've seen I can't remember. I can't remember if I came, if it entered my brain or  if it entered my eyeballs.

00;27;52;10 - 00;27;53;25
Christina
They say there's nothing new in the universe.

00;27;53;27 - 00;27;54;10
Meghan
Right.

00;27;54;16 - 00;27;56;03
Christina
So, you know, maybe.

00;27;56;26 - 00;28;20;09
Meghan
But is to have these notes, you know, you're doing great. You are crushing it today. Your you look really good today. I love that outfit on you. You have the prettiest smile. Just, you know, all of these positive things as separate notes in a jar. And then you can go pull one out whenever you need some positive encouragement.

00;28;20;09 - 00;28;50;04
Meghan
And as somebody who is supporting somebody that is going through it, that would be a cute little gift to give them just a jar of encouragement. I think particularly if your examples are personal. So you know what I mean? So if you give that to a friend and you can say something very specific about them, like I love you know, like I've always admired your beautiful curly hair or something just very specific.

00;28;50;06 - 00;28;54;16
Meghan
I think that would be a really cool little gift.

00;28;54;23 - 00;29;10;00
Christina
Or like, you are a fantastic artist and I can't wait to see what you create in the future - something like that to really help somebody see themselves in the future. Yeah. Knowledge, a gift that they have that maybe they have really put that on the back burner during the season of grief.

00;29;10;02 - 00;29;10;26
Meghan
So yeah.

00;29;11;03 - 00;29;21;06
Christina
We've talked about self-soothing and I want to talk about self-care. I want to touch on self-care a little bit. I think sometimes when we think about self-care the way I've always thought about self-care -

00;29;21;06 - 00;29;27;17
Meghan
Christina, it's just a face mask. If you do a face mask, everything will be okay. Right?

00;29;29;16 - 00;29;52;19
Christina
Yeah. Like I always thought that when people talked about self-care, they were talking about a face mask or they were talking about zoning out in front of Netflix and for me, that is something recently that I've recognized - I am wired very different than other people, a face mask or watching Netflix comes very easily and very naturally to me.

00;29;53;29 - 00;30;18;13
Christina
But what is more challenging for me is things like keeping my house tidy and doing my dishes and stuff like that. It's something I've gotten a lot better about over the years, but it's only recently that I realized doing your dishes and putting them away or folding your laundry for me, folding my laundry and putting them in the drawers, that was self-care.

00;30;18;29 - 00;30;41;22
Christina
And I never put it in that category as self-care of taking care of myself. And so for other people, maybe that looks like organizing their garage or, you know, washing their car. But I never thought about that as self-care. So if you are in the season and you are struggling with taking care of yourself, it may not be a facemask that you need.

00;30;41;22 - 00;30;50;12
Christina
It may be that you take your clothes out of the dryer and you fold them and you put them away. That might be what self-care looks like.

00;30;50;12 - 00;31;12;29
Meghan
It's like you you're holding everything in the air, right? All of these tasks you have to do just, you know, standard chores, standard things you have to do in your life. Work, you know, things around the house, or parenting your children, whatever it is. So if you can take one of those tasks and complete it most of the time, it doesn't take as long as you think it's going to.

00;31;13;14 - 00;31;48;15
Meghan
If you are feeling burdened by these tasks, time yourself, it probably takes 3 minutes to unload your dishwasher. Right? So but it's that idea of taking one thing off your plate that way, you know, you are taking care of yourself by doing these things that need to get done, but you're not having to constantly dread doing it, constantly worry that it's not been done or, you know, am I going to have that clean shirt I need or oh, no, the dishwasher is not unloaded and my sink is full.

00;31;48;15 - 00;32;24;24
Meghan
And, you know, so it's it's taking care of you yourself mentally. And that is that is my love language. Not having to think about things just taking things off my list completely is my love language. But so yeah, self-care to me is vacuuming. It's taking everything off of the stairs. So I think anybody who has a two storey house as a parent, you put things on your stairs for your kids to take up and they don't. I didn't as a kid.

00;32;25;02 - 00;32;50;15
Meghan
And now my son is not doing it. I have passed the torch. So so taking those things up the stairs. Right. It takes one or two trips. You know, and then I've got that visual affirmation that it's done, you know, it's, it's tidy, it's not cluttered. And that is self-care to me too. Now I love a face mask.

00;32;51;05 - 00;33;03;25
Meghan
I do. I've, I've tried them all and I love them all. But having an organized clutter-free, tidy space, absolutely the best thing I can do for myself.

00;33;03;25 - 00;33;43;15
Christina
And that is that is for anyone listening that has a an entirely new concept for me, even though I had, you know, really mastered and come a long way in taking care of my home, I had never viewed that as self-care, as a way to love myself was to do these things. And as a life hack to anybody listening who struggles with tackling tasks that seem overwhelming, pop in your earbuds, listen to an audiobook, listen to a podcast, just turn the TV on and watch your favorite show while you you know, I mean, I know I am not the only person.

00;33;43;15 - 00;34;02;00
Christina
I mean, years ago when I had little ones at home, like your couch is covered with laundry. I mean, I know that's real. I know other friends have had that. So tackle those tasks that seem overwhelming by distracting yourself with something fun to do during that time is my life hack to those things.

00;34;02;00 - 00;34;20;03
Meghan
I think that also it's you can show gratitude in doing those things and so grateful to have this house. I love all of my neighbors. I am so grateful to have this house to raise my son in and I'm going to take care of it.

00;34;20;03 - 00;34;23;00
Christina
Yes, I think and another one that is

00;34;24;09 - 00;34;45;11
Christina
Maybe something we don't think about. And if you're early on in the process, this might you know, maybe it hasn't crossed your mind. But I remember before Michael passed saying to him, one day it dawned on me that people who are single a lot of times will have a pet, they will have a dog that they're very attached to.

00;34;45;23 - 00;35;06;20
Christina
And it never dawned on me that it was the physical touch. And that is something that you really you know, it's hard and the beginning, because if you're used to having this person that hugs you or brings you comfort, that's gone. And Michael looked at me and he was like, yeah, like it just hadn't dawned on me, but he seemed to know that.

00;35;07;05 - 00;35;22;00
Christina
And so I would encourage you, if you are somebody who maybe you find yourself without family around, try holding your pet or, you know, petting your dog or your cat, if they will, let you.

00;35;22;00 - 00;35;23;28
Meghan
Or adopting an animal.

00;35;24;05 - 00;35;46;10
Christina
Yes. If that's somewhere that you're at in the process and you're able to adopt a pet and even, you know, if you're not if you're just not in that place, you're like, I'm not ready to adopt. Go to your local humane society. And I know here locally in our town people walk those dogs all the time, like that is something they do.

00;35;46;10 - 00;35;55;26
Christina
So maybe you can go walk a dog and pet it. So if you're looking, that might be a way that you can find some comfort is in an animal.

00;35;56;20 - 00;36;28;23
Meghan
So another thing you could consider is joining a grief group. If you're a person who, like Christina has said, you don't have people around friends, family or whatever. A lot of times, hospitals, churches, as maybe you even have like a local group. There are grief groups out there and available for people who are in your situation. Going through whatever it is that you have gone through, lost whatever person then their life you know as well.

00;36;28;23 - 00;36;36;04
Meghan
So you can find these people going through the same thing and maybe it'll help you feel less alone.

00;36;36;25 - 00;37;04;28
Christina
Yes, because people in your circle, we've said this before, they may not understand. However, the people who have gone through it, they get it, they know. And you can say all the hard things and they get it. I know recently my counselor actually last week said to me, hey, I just found out there's a widow group here locally and it's in the next town over and he was going to find out the information.

00;37;04;28 - 00;37;31;24
Christina
So if you are someone who is aware of a group, you may mention it to a friend that does that mean that, you know, somebody mentions one to you you don't have to go, but I'm excited to check out this widow group and, you know, meet some new people in my area. So you know, let people know if you hear about something like that or, you know, ask around if there is anything like that in your local area.

00;37;32;11 - 00;37;59;09
Christina
Another thing that we have talked about often and I never want to forget to bring this up is counseling. It is another way that you can take care of yourself. Is to go and speak with a counselor. It is a place that is safe. You can say all of the things. There is no judgment. And counselors are great at giving you tools and techniques and just helping you walk through this season of life.

00;37;59;09 - 00;38;33;14
Christina
So if you are someone who find yourself in a space where you don't have people to come alongside you and continue this, as we like to call it around here, adventure, this adventure, that we find ourselves on, consider counseling. There is there is now online counseling. Ask about local counseling. The way that - if you have insurance - that it works is usually that it's the same amount as your co-pay that you would pay if you went to your medical doctor.

00;38;33;24 - 00;38;57;06
Christina
So if you're like, oh my goodness I've never looked into this, that is generally how it works. So check that out. Ask friends who they go to. I actually found a counselor in the past just by going online and looking and reading reviews and found somebody that matched well with me for the season of life I was in.

00;38;57;21 - 00;39;01;24
Christina
And so that's one way that I have found.

00;39;02;19 - 00;39;03;11
Christina
For counseling.

00;39;03;16 - 00;39;36;22
Meghan
Can I share my favorite way to just sort of mentally feel better? I have talked before about how I have a playlist for everything. Well, I have a mental pump up playlist and only has a few songs on it. It's like eight songs. And it's funny because I'll add songs to it as I hear them. I recently discovered this band, "Oh, The Larceny" is the name of the band, and now like three of their songs are on this playlist.

00;39;36;22 - 00;40;01;23
Meghan
But it's just this mental pump up where I just, you know, all of the songs are like, You can do it. You can get through this, you're going to feel really good about it. Like all of the songs kind of have that message. And I just, you know, when I'm just feeling like down or maybe I just maybe I'm not feeling down.

00;40;01;24 - 00;40;22;29
Meghan
Maybe I'm just, like, ready, you know, getting ready to attack the day I will listen to this playlist. And I'll link it. I'll link it in the show notes. I use Amazon music and I'll totally link it. But we also, you know, even just fun music, I've talked about my cooking playlist, which we talked about yacht music before.

00;40;23;00 - 00;40;24;08
Christina
Yes. Yes.

00;40;24;17 - 00;40;52;22
Meghan
Just fun dancey music - create a playlist for you. What are the songs that make you feel good, you know, and then put that playlist on like maybe it's while you're doing your chores and stuff, or maybe you are on your drive to work or whatever, but create that playlist of those feel good songs. Put them put a little bit of time into it and then you can like curate it 

00;40;53;11 - 00;41;16;16
Meghan
to make you feel, you know, positive and happy and peppy - or or maybe it just maybe you like music that's slower. Maybe you like easy pop, or maybe you like metal music, whatever it is. Yeah, I listen to classical music almost all day, like while I'm working because it helps me focus. 

00;41;16;29 - 00;41;46;06
Christina
mmhmm I would say if you're listening to this, one of the things that I like to do as far as a pump up playlist is to think about things for the future, about building a life in the future. Because I think sometimes when we sit in this and we sit in this really hard stuff and there's a song that I think it's called The Nights (by Avicii), but it talks about - and maybe Meghan, can link it in the show notes -

00;41;46;06 - 00;42;27;25
Christina
But it says talks about a dad talking about "some day you'll leave this world behind, so live a life you will remember" and and really, I play that song to remind myself, like, there will be better days to come and to enjoy the time that I'm in, to live in this moment, to go to dinner and to try new things and to do all of those things, because we lost our person, but we are still alive, and we want to honor that person by living this great life.

00;42;27;28 - 00;42;31;29
Christina
And we are going to talk about that in the next episode.

00;42;31;29 - 00;42;40;28
Meghan
We talked about it in this episode. It's about picking yourself up and moving forward, not getting over it, but pushing through.

00;42;41;08 - 00;43;11;11
Christina
Yes. Yes. If that is something that you're struggling with, consider a playlist that really helps you to think about what is the life that I'm building going to look like when I get up and that there is still life to live because I imagine for some of you out there, because I have dealt with this of like of just really struggling in that moment to think like what is what is the future going to look like.

00;43;11;11 - 00;43;22;27
Christina
And so I think you have to get up and you know, once you get up and you've got yourself on your feet, like Meghan said, you're going to put one foot in front the other and we're going to move forward.

00;43;23;11 - 00;43;26;15
Meghan
Okay, friends, do you have anything else to add first Christina?

00;43;26;26 - 00;43;50;19
Christina
I just say like, wherever you are right now, if you are struggling, please know that you are not alone in this process, that there are others that are in the same boat and you are going to make it through this adventure, this crazy adventure. And we are glad you are here, we are so glad you found us.

00;43;51;00 - 00;44;18;01
Christina
And we look forward to meeting you all. I love that you are - you guys are starting to send me messages and tell me where you are in this process and tell me your stories. And I love to hear that. So please keep those coming. It helps us to know where you're at and what you're going through and for us to be able to share our experiences and hopefully help you in the process.

00;44;18;01 - 00;44;28;24
Christina
And if you are somebody who's listening and you have a family member who's experienced grief or loss, we hope this is helpful to you too. As you help them navigate that.

00;44;29;09 - 00;44;35;25
Meghan
Yes, I agree. I would like to add that we are happy you're here. We are not happy about how you got here.

00;44;36;24 - 00;44;38;16
Christina
Exactly. Exactly.

00;44;38;25 - 00;44;41;24
Meghan
Nobody asked to be part of this club, right?

00;44;41;24 - 00;44;42;07
Christina
Yeah.

00;44;42;22 - 00;45;10;18
Meghan
If you're finding our podcast helpful and you're listening every week, an easy way to help other people find us is to leave a review wherever you listen to podcasts. The more reviews that we have, the more likely our podcast is to show up on search results and things like that. So, we're super grateful for you. And if you like I said, if you're finding it helpful, please leave us a review that would be really helpful for us.

00;45;10;20 - 00;45;11;06
Christina
Thank you.

00;45;13;01 - 00;45;24;21
Meghan
All right, friends, while the time has come. So whether your cup is empty, half-full or overflowing. Raise it up. Here's to the craziness of life after a loss.

00;45;25;07 - 00;45;25;20
Christina
Cheers.

00;45;27;14 - 00;45;44;15
Meghan
Thank you so much for being here with us. Please subscribe to our podcast if you found it helpful. And you can also find us on social media on Instagram, at Full Club podcast. And if you search full club club podcast on Facebook. Again, thanks, friends, and we'll see you next time.