32 - Celebrating Anniversaries After Loss

In this episode, Christina and Meghan talk about celebrating anniversaries and big events after loss. Specifically, Christina just endured what would have been her 25th wedding anniversary with her late husband, Michael. These two widows talk about things you can do as a friend or supporter of someone who is grieving, as well as ideas for how to celebrate these events. The feelings and reactions to important dates is not always the same from person to person, and it's not even the same year to year. That's okay. However you grieve is valid. <3

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Links from this episode
Christina talked about some seed envelopes made from upcycled children's books she got from a local vendor - these are similar: https://www.etsy.com/listing/1230601601/upcycled-assorted-mini-envelopes-with

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Transcript

00;00;00;01 - 00;00;25;03
Christina
So I mentioned last time that birds, my bird feeders were just bringing me all of this joy. But I literally have a bird feeder. Like there was a hawk in my backyard the other day that was trying to eat the birds and my bird feeder. And I just I didn't I didn't excite the little, little too much wild kingdom there for me.

00;00;25;26 - 00;00;26;03
Christina
So.

00;00;26;21 - 00;00;41;04
Meghan
Yeah, we get vultures. We get vultures here. I was always, like, a little nervous to let bear out when I would see, like, the big black birds, you know? Yes. Because and I was like, no, there's no way they could lift and carry him away. Right. And then you.

00;00;41;06 - 00;00;46;06
Christina
And then you saw this proposal. I mean, I didn't want to die, but I'm sure it's possible.

00;00;46;09 - 00;00;47;14
Meghan
Hi, I'm Megan.

00;00;47;15 - 00;00;51;06
Christina
And I'm Christina, and this is a full Cup Club podcast.

00;00;51;20 - 00;01;00;29
Meghan
We're here to talk through the good, the bad and the ugly of loss. Whether that's losing a loved one, a job, a dream, or even your marbles.

00;01;01;22 - 00;01;28;05
Christina
So whether your cup has coffee, tea or vodka in it. Welcome to the World Cup Club. Hey, friends. And today's episode, we are going to be talking about anniversaries, birthdays, special occasions where the person we have lost, we want to remember them in some way. So, as always, before we get started, Megan, what is in your cup? And is there anything that's bringing you joy right now?

00;01;28;06 - 00;01;28;21
Christina
Yeah.

00;01;28;22 - 00;01;57;22
Meghan
Okay. So first I have an answer. What's in my cup? You know, what I have been like really into lately is Sprite zero. I really like it. I am not drinking it right now. I'm just thinking about it while I'm drinking my drinking, my sparkling. I'm just, you know, kind of wishing that I am having a blood orange and black raspberry San Pellegrino.

00;01;57;22 - 00;02;04;13
Meghan
It's very good. And it's just not the same. It's, you know, it's just not quenching that craving that I'm having, you know what I mean?

00;02;04;18 - 00;02;08;07
Christina
Yeah. You feel like you're cheating on your Sprite zero over there, like thinking of.

00;02;08;24 - 00;02;13;00
Meghan
You know, I feel like I'm cheating on the San Pellegrino. Oh.

00;02;13;04 - 00;02;14;22
Christina
Oh, okay. That's true.

00;02;14;28 - 00;02;38;26
Meghan
It's like my mistress. Oh. Is okay a mistress? STUDENT Mr. and I have. Oh, my gosh. I have so much going on. My son's birthday is coming up and he wants to have a party, and I haven't thrown him a party in a long time. So I'm just really remembering how much I like doing that.

00;02;39;09 - 00;02;39;23
Christina
Mm hmm.

00;02;40;06 - 00;02;57;23
Meghan
And you know, planning. I do have a lot to do as far as, like, cleaning up and making sure the house is in order and everything. But I just I put together favorable eggs. Mm hmm. And that's like. That was really fun. Like, I just like, you know, I like all those little details on a party, all.

00;02;58;00 - 00;03;03;01
Christina
Those things that, like, people remember later that they're like, oh, like, wow. Yeah, yeah.

00;03;03;02 - 00;03;14;08
Meghan
I love all love that. So yeah, that's a it's a it's like stressful but also fun. Stressful just because there's a lot to do to plan. There's all this, like a fun stressful. Yeah. Same questions to you.

00;03;14;23 - 00;03;23;24
Christina
Okay, so in my cup I am having from start year, I have a need a pink drink. Have you had a pink drink yet?

00;03;24;06 - 00;03;25;28
Meghan
I have. It's been a long time.

00;03;25;29 - 00;03;39;22
Christina
Okay. I love me a pink drink. I don't have them. It's like a special treat for me. I had the they have a paradise pink drink, which is kind of like a pina colada in a cup. Oh, some Starbucks. It's tasty, but I still like to drink.

00;03;40;16 - 00;03;50;06
Meghan
What is the. I'm not. I remember not being excited about the pink drink. If I go to Starbucks, I want coffee. I don't tend to get any of their other drinks. Mm. Okay.

00;03;50;16 - 00;04;19;24
Christina
Yeah. Now I know somebody who says if, if I go somewhere and I pay for more and I pay more than $5 for a drink, it better have alcohol in it. No, look at that. I could do that. Yeah. Okay. So what is bring me I you know, what's kind of fun is we are coming into fall. I don't want to admit that to myself, but all of my flowers, they they're starting some my flowers have gone to seed.

00;04;20;09 - 00;04;32;27
Christina
And so just being able to like there's something so satisfying about pulling on the petals once they're dry and seeing those seeds come out. Yeah, man has to make a a real about that.

00;04;33;16 - 00;04;37;01
Meghan
But I sent me a marco Polo the other day while you were doing that.

00;04;37;22 - 00;05;01;02
Christina
It's just, like, so fun. So I have tons of marigolds and daisies and snapdragons that I've been getting the seeds out of and putting them. Someone made these really cute. They made seed envelopes out of old storybook pages and it is they are so cute. So that is what's bringing me life right now. And lots of joy.

00;05;01;03 - 00;05;05;17
Meghan
Is where did you get those from? Like an Etsy shop that we could link or.

00;05;05;17 - 00;05;30;20
Christina
I did and I know that's terrible. No, actually, I got them from a local health food place. So it is a local artisan who makes them. But if I find them on Etsy, we will definitely link them in the show notes. I will send you the link. But yeah, super do. So today we are going to talk about weddings and anniversaries and all of those things and what kind of what kind of triggered this?

00;05;30;20 - 00;05;51;29
Christina
I won't say it kind of triggered it. Was Megan watching me go through the last couple of weeks. Monday would have been mine and Michael's 25th wedding anniversary and I saved mine. First up, so weird I guess because I'm used to I'm it's just me now so me because.

00;05;52;17 - 00;05;55;17
Meghan
Well, no, I think it's because you're smashing the patriarchy.

00;05;56;07 - 00;06;18;01
Christina
There we go. So what have been our 25th wedding anniversary? And that was I didn't know. You know, you don't know what's going to happen. Like each time each time an anniversary or birthday or whatever rolls around. How, you know, from year to year, from date to date, it's just seems to change. And so that's kind of how we decided.

00;06;18;01 - 00;06;35;00
Christina
You said, hey, we need to talk about this. And so that's why we're doing the show today. I would say, like my experience, it was sucky. I mean, I'm just going to be honest, it sucked. I tried to be proactive and do some things as far as sending myself flowers and sending myself a cake for my favorite bake.

00;06;35;00 - 00;06;42;29
Meghan
Really did. You did everything you could and you were just fully thwarted at every offer. Yes.

00;06;43;07 - 00;07;02;03
Christina
It was it was a rough the cake was supposed to arrive Friday so that it had several days to thaw. The cake did not arrive until Monday. And it was a buttercream frosting and friends is. Yeah. And it had been flipped upside down. It was a whole thing.

00;07;02;12 - 00;07;05;29
Meghan
And it smelled, it was like I said yeah right.

00;07;06;06 - 00;07;13;20
Christina
Yeah. I was going to say if you if you have ever had a small child drink milk in your vehicle, you may know that smell.

00;07;14;18 - 00;07;17;19
Meghan
So you find the sippy cup like two weeks later.

00;07;17;19 - 00;07;38;05
Christina
Yes. Yeah, we've all been there. So. Yeah, that was it was it was a bummer to have that happen. I was really hoping that it was going to be edible and it wasn't. And I appreciated that the company and I'm not going to say any names but the company before I could ever even ask for a refund, they sent me an email and said, Hey, we are refunding your money.

00;07;38;05 - 00;08;04;14
Christina
We're so sorry that this happened. So there was that. And then also I had flowers shipped to myself and that also did not go well. The flowers were supposed to arrive Monday. They did not arrive until Wednesday. So, friends, I cannot tell you to be proactive. I think this is why, you know, we've talked about being proactive when we know dates are coming in for anniversaries and birthdays and planning something.

00;08;04;14 - 00;08;26;28
Christina
And I think it's just want to say, you know what? Sometimes it totally fails and it's going to suck and but you know what? You're going to get through it. And it's you know, life is not going to be perfect. One of the things that I was able to do is I was on a trip that day. I would highly recommend if something like this a big thing is going to happen, be proactive, you know, plan a a day trip.

00;08;26;28 - 00;08;48;00
Christina
If you can't plan a vacation, plan a day trip, plan to do something that day. And I was out of town that day and I knew that there was a u-pick place for flower. And so I stopped on my way home and picked about thirties and is I don't know. Do you see zinnias or zinnias? I don't like I don't know.

00;08;48;13 - 00;08;59;05
Meghan
I don't think I can answer without being like biased because I don't think I say it often enough to to know for sure. I feel like probably I say zinnias, but. Oh, I don't know.

00;08;59;07 - 00;09;19;27
Christina
That's correct. Okay, that kind of makes sense. That sounds right. Yes. So I stopped and picked about 30 of those at the U-Pick place and made my own bouquets. And I think like sometimes that's that's part of it is just kind of you have to make your own rein sometimes on these things because not everybody is going to recognize, oh, it's their anniversary.

00;09;19;27 - 00;09;25;21
Christina
Oh, it's their 25th anniversary. Some people do. I think some people get that, but not always. And so.

00;09;25;21 - 00;09;26;08
Meghan
Yeah.

00;09;26;08 - 00;09;36;16
Christina
You do what you need to do to celebrate that day. And if it flops, it flops and just keep looking for the sunshine. But sometimes you got to make your own rain.

00;09;36;17 - 00;09;48;05
Meghan
Well, you talked about make it. I'm sorry. I just process what you said. I like that you've got to make your own rain. But is that the opposite? Wait a minute. Wouldn't you want to make your own sunshine?

00;09;48;15 - 00;09;57;29
Christina
I think there's a thing called rainmakers or something. I think that's where it comes from. It's probably better than ambulance chasers. I don't know. It feels like rain makers is a thing.

00;09;57;29 - 00;10;15;05
Meghan
Rain is important for growth. It's always sunshine. Yeah, it's true. I don't know. Anyway, sorry you said that. And I was like, ready to say a sentence, you know, because we're having a conversation and it went into my brain and just like fully blocked, like the rest.

00;10;15;05 - 00;10;28;01
Christina
Of the words coming out. Yeah, I think Rain Maker is a thing. Oh, maybe it's a movie. Yeah, it's a a John Grisham movie. That's where it's from. The Rainmaker. Yeah. Okay. I didn't imagine it.

00;10;28;18 - 00;10;51;14
Meghan
So you had talked about also or maybe you haven't on the podcast, but we have talked about even even while people are alive. I feel like it's important to communicate what you need and want. And sometimes you do have to put in that effort to make something happen if you want it to on a special day, you know.

00;10;51;14 - 00;10;57;09
Meghan
Yes, on an anniversary, on a birthday, whatever, whatever the occasion is.

00;10;57;09 - 00;11;15;06
Christina
Yes. Because not everybody comes from the same background. Do you do, Michael? Sam Lee didn't do a lot of celebrations. Christmas wasn't big, all of this type of thing. So when he was coming into the marriage, that was not something that was important to him. In my family, there's going to be cake, there's going to be food, there's going to be all the things.

00;11;15;22 - 00;11;26;02
Christina
And so it took many years of marriage for him to come to that place. So I had to learn, if you want something, people aren't going to read your mind. They're not going to know what you need. You have to say it.

00;11;26;02 - 00;11;27;15
Meghan
And yes.

00;11;27;15 - 00;11;49;16
Christina
And in this case, it was our going to be our 25th. And I want to teach for the community of people that I live with literally, physically in my community, like, hey, this is our 25th anniversary is coming up and I'm struggling like I wanted them to know because you're people in your community and your family cannot take care of you.

00;11;49;24 - 00;12;12;19
Christina
And so you say like, Hey, I'm struggling with this, this is coming up. I just it helped me because I was also teaching them like, hey, and then there were other widows who got on because I posted this on social media and there were other widows that got on and said, Hey, I hear you. Our our, you know, 59th wedding anniversary was June 1st.

00;12;12;25 - 00;12;35;06
Christina
Well, you know, what I did sure did go to my calendar and put in that next year it's going to be this person's 60th anniversary. So I think it's just like teaching your community like that. This is still important. It's still important. You know, I think it's completely appropriate to say happy anniversary to people, totally thinking of you, all of those types of things.

00;12;35;06 - 00;12;57;12
Christina
You had some really good ones that you and I talked about earlier, but teaching your community but also saying, hey, I'm struggling here. This is really freaking hard and I want you guys to be aware. And then also I feel like at the same time that that makes it that normalizes like, hey, if I lose somebody, I need to verbalize that I'm struggling.

00;12;57;12 - 00;13;06;27
Christina
I need to let my community know because people don't know how to love you unless you say something. They don't know how to care for you unless you speak up. They cannot read your mind.

00;13;06;27 - 00;13;38;06
Meghan
You are a lot healthier about that than I am. I just. I just kind of, like, bury it and move on. Okay. I feel like. Or I just kind of this is not something I struggle with, like anniversaries and stuff. I will say that on the first wedding anniversary, the elopement anniversary, I had after Jason died, I wanted to go have sushi at our favorite sushi restaurant.

00;13;38;13 - 00;14;01;00
Meghan
Right. That was just the thing I wanted to do. We got married around Christmas time, so that's when the anniversary is. And I because it was Christmas, I was home. I worked from home. I hadn't driven my car in a week. And so then Christmas passes, I'm done everything. I want to go to this restaurant, my car battery is dead.

00;14;01;00 - 00;14;23;06
Meghan
I hadn't driven it there. I think I think my son or something happened where lt was left on. So drain the battery. And we didn't notice for a week. So I couldn't. I couldn't go to the restaurant cause my car battery was dead and instead got to figure out how to get a new battery while not having a car to drive to the car.

00;14;23;06 - 00;14;48;20
Meghan
Batteries from. So, you know what's funny is I was thwarted too when I wanted to try to celebrate with you were. Yeah it was I did wind up going it was like a couple of days later. And it's cool because that restaurant has our picture on the wall. Actually, I've been there in a while. I don't know if it's still there, but they had like a thing where they would take Polaroids, you know.

00;14;48;20 - 00;14;50;14
Meghan
And so our picture was hanging just fun.

00;14;50;14 - 00;14;51;10
Christina
That's cool.

00;14;51;26 - 00;14;52;25
Meghan
Yeah. And, you.

00;14;52;25 - 00;15;11;07
Christina
Know, Facebook memories comes up and so it's almost kind of like cool to be able cool uncle, I don't know, to be able to go back and the memory came up the last year I had had to take half a Xanax and get in bed on our anniversary. So it was kind of like, hey, look, you've you've last year was rough this year.

00;15;11;07 - 00;15;27;02
Christina
Was it his birthday this year wasn't as hard as, you know our anniversary. And so it's it just kind of seen like right now where you're looking back and going, hey, you know, so yeah, it's some years are different and yeah.

00;15;27;17 - 00;15;48;22
Meghan
For sure I think that I'm more likely to think back on a birthday. So on his birthday, you know, it's like whatever year, 20, 22. And I'm thinking about doing the math. Wow, he'd be 48 this year. You know, like, that's but I, I don't keep track of our anniversary. I would have to, like, sit down and do math to figure, you know what I mean?

00;15;49;26 - 00;16;18;10
Meghan
Be like, wait, what year did we get married? Like, I'd have to really think about it, but on his birthday, that's the time when I'm like, Man, he'll be 48 this year. Yeah, yeah. So, but yeah, there are, you know, if you have a friend that's struggling or if you want to share ideas with your community about how people could help you, maybe you go visit if your person was buried at the cemetery, you know, maybe you go visit their grave.

00;16;18;10 - 00;16;34;22
Meghan
Maybe you have a friend go with you, you know, or you offer to take your friend, right? Or you go out to eat with somebody. If you didn't live. Christina, if you didn't live, you know, however many miles away you live, how many miles away do you think it is? I feel like it hasn't.

00;16;35;04 - 00;16;37;13
Christina
Oh, at least it takes a couple.

00;16;37;19 - 00;16;42;21
Meghan
I guess I'm going to guess 1200. No, I'm against 1700.

00;16;42;27 - 00;16;46;22
Christina
You're close. 633. Wow.

00;16;46;27 - 00;16;52;01
Meghan
Okay. So if you didn't live 633 miles away, we would have gone out to eat or something. Yeah.

00;16;52;17 - 00;16;57;25
Christina
Yeah, yeah. That's. It's just sending somebody a card in the mail, any of that stuff just.

00;16;57;25 - 00;16;58;18
Meghan
Attached to.

00;16;58;18 - 00;17;22;22
Christina
Whatever or like, just. Yeah, I know you did. You had said to me, hey, if we lived closer before, and that meant a lot to me, just. Just that little bit of acknowledgment, like, hey, I recognize that, right? Yeah, absolutely. So I don't think if you're listening and somebody is having an anniversary, a birthday, whatever, you don't it doesn't mean you have to have this big, you know, huge thing.

00;17;22;22 - 00;17;26;00
Christina
It's just something small. And acknowledgment is huge.

00;17;26;01 - 00;17;34;13
Meghan
Yeah. Because as time goes on, especially, you know, the further you get past the day that they died, the fewer people remember.

00;17;34;13 - 00;17;35;24
Christina
Yes, that's very true.

00;17;35;24 - 00;17;44;08
Meghan
You know, those dates and everything. So every text is so much more meaningful because it's it might be the only text they got about it. Yeah.

00;17;44;08 - 00;18;10;13
Christina
And you and I think if you're in this community and you have lost someone, it's almost you recognize that and if you have it in you to knowledge other people, because what you recognize is it may look like this person has hundreds of people in their community that are reaching out to them through social media. But reality and in person, no one is doing anything because people don't get it.

00;18;10;13 - 00;18;17;27
Christina
So if that's you send a text like, you know, you know how bad like that hurts. So that's what would be my encouragement.

00;18;18;01 - 00;18;29;06
Meghan
You said before. So you talked about kind of making your own sunshine or rain with sunshine and or rain, whatever is the positive one.

00;18;30;15 - 00;18;37;15
Christina
I mean, if you're in Texas or you're somewhere, there is a drought. Drought. You if you're in California.

00;18;38;01 - 00;18;38;17
Meghan
Exactly.

00;18;38;18 - 00;18;39;09
Christina
It's your own right.

00;18;40;04 - 00;18;43;14
Meghan
And if you live in the desert, the sunshine is not the good one. Yeah. No.

00;18;43;16 - 00;18;43;29
Christina
Well.

00;18;44;22 - 00;19;02;05
Meghan
Yeah, no, I guess what I'm saying. So choose your positive there. But if you have to make your own or you have said that you, you know, you kind of did that with this anniversary, but you also kind of did that a little bit early in your relationship with Michael. You know, and you just kind of had and that's that's something I was trying to touch on earlier.

00;19;02;05 - 00;19;25;10
Meghan
And I think I got distracted, which that tracks, you know, even with people who are alive, they're not mind readers. It's you have to be vocal and say what you want to do. If you expect a gift on a holiday, say it. Yes, right. Or if you want to do something together, celebrate in whatever way you just you have to acknowledge that.

00;19;25;10 - 00;19;43;11
Meghan
And so that that other person like you were saying before, so that they know how to love you. And yeah. You were saying that you had to early on early on you just because he came from a family that didn't celebrate, you had to kind of train that into him. He would do like big gestures, right? Yes.

00;19;43;17 - 00;20;02;06
Christina
But yeah, there would be times where, you know, he'd buy me something special, like a month earlier or something like that. But it's like on the day he might not. And so it's just I feel like after years of marriage, it was this thing of like, oh, this person can't read my mind. And recognizing and recognizing like, oh, they're history with it.

00;20;02;06 - 00;20;23;02
Christina
And so you can if you're somebody who has big expectations on the day, if I'm somebody who doesn't have high expectations. And so, I mean, I don't I don't expect there to be something huge. And so then I'm grateful for whatever I get and I know other people will be like, what? My dad says, no, I expect big things.

00;20;23;02 - 00;20;59;00
Christina
And so he's disappointed. So I'm kind of the opposite. If you are someone who has very high expectations and then the day of you are upset, pissed off, whatever, that people didn't read your mind, that's on you. And so you need to figure that out and work through that. And so you can't expect family and friends if it's a birthday or whatever and you're struggling, you need to learn to speak up and say, Hey, I'm hurting, or you need to learn to figure out some things, like I said earlier, and be proactive and, you know, plan on going to lunch, ask some friends, Hey, can we all go to lunch?

00;20;59;00 - 00;21;21;01
Christina
Can my daughter's really good about this. My daughter is, you know, in her late twenties and she will say to her friend group, hey, father's Day is coming up. And, you know, and a lot of times people just don't think of it like, oh, I know it's Father's Day, but I didn't recognize like, oh, my friend is not going to have their father this year.

00;21;21;01 - 00;21;39;24
Christina
This is their first Father's Day without a father. And so I am really proud of her that she speaks up and says, Hey, this is coming up and you need to, you know, ask for what you need. So that would be my advice is you you don't get to be upset if you don't communicate that to your community and your family.

00;21;39;24 - 00;22;01;18
Meghan
I would like to tell a little story, a little anecdote, if you will, about Valentine's Day. I'm not a big gift person. Like I like I like gifts. But I'm you know, I'm kind of like you and that we're I'm just, like, happy that somebody thought of me, you know, like, it doesn't have to be expensive or extravagant or like, anything.

00;22;01;18 - 00;22;20;23
Meghan
I just, you know, I'm just like. I like the thought, right? So Jason was pretty good about about gifting. He would make things I really liked when he made things because it was unique. He was good at it. And, you know, so those are some of my favorite things that I still have from him. That is the stuff that he made, you know.

00;22;21;07 - 00;22;42;02
Meghan
And we got married. We got married, like I said, around Christmas time. So Valentine's Day, a couple of months later. And he didn't get me anything. And now let me tell you, I didn't give him a lot. You know, he had a little coffee mug with Reese's, was his favorite candy. And I sat like some Reese's in the coffee mug by the coffee maker.

00;22;42;02 - 00;22;56;14
Meghan
So he got up after me so that, you know, when he woke up, there was a little little Reese, I think, was a Reese's Heart. I think it was you know, it's they do those big Reese's Hearts for Valentine's Day is one of those, you know, little something, no big deal. Just acknowledge the holiday. You're my Valentine, you know.

00;22;56;29 - 00;22;57;07
Meghan
That's it.

00;22;57;17 - 00;22;57;23
Christina
Yeah.

00;22;58;02 - 00;23;18;08
Meghan
That is that is the level I was expecting in return. Nothing crazy, you know what I mean? No, I don't want to go out on Valentine's Day. Are you kidding me with all those set menus and like, everybody's out being all cheesy and gross, like, no, I don't want to do that. Okay, so I get home from work.

00;23;18;08 - 00;23;39;04
Meghan
Nothing. We can acknowledge it. Like all day. I was like, What the hell? And we just got married. Did I make a huge mistake? Are you not my Valentine? And so I was like, Hey, you didn't give me a gift and you should have. And so the next day you didn't realize he was like, Oh, I thought we were married, so I have to.

00;23;40;00 - 00;24;02;24
Meghan
Yes, oh, my God, I didn't have to do that. I thought that was just like something you would do already dating. And I was like, incorrect, false. 100% wrong. And and, you know, I went over I was like, I'm not expecting like I don't want, you know, the the moon. I want the equivalent of a Reese's heart. And like, it doesn't want you to acknowledge the holiday.

00;24;02;24 - 00;24;24;25
Meghan
And that's what you and I are saying. Just acknowledge it, you know? And the next day he got me some he went to Walmart, all the stuff. Valentine's Day was on clearance. He got me some Tupperware and he came home and he goes, Well, I thought you were kind of a Tupperware kind of a person. So and I was like, what was this about mean?

00;24;24;25 - 00;24;45;14
Meghan
But you know what? Thank you. It was Rainbow. I liked it like, it's fine the next year for Valentine's Day, I kid you not. He got me a diamond ring because we didn't do rings when we got married, so I helped me like a wedding ring. I was like, Jason, you have overcorrected. You have gone too far, too.

00;24;45;14 - 00;24;47;27
Meghan
You went. You passed it this way.

00;24;47;27 - 00;24;50;07
Christina
Gosh, that's hilarious.

00;24;50;13 - 00;24;56;24
Meghan
Anyway, then he died, so we'll never know if he would have Goldilocks eat that, you know, and gotten it just right.

00;24;56;24 - 00;25;18;07
Christina
Yes, right. Oh, my gosh. Oh, Richard, it's hard because you go into relationships and their expectations. And I think even, you know, we've talked about dating and stuff like that. And so it's just like you you have to communicate those expectations. You do so just like you do that with a spouse and saying, hey, this is the expectation.

00;25;18;28 - 00;25;42;14
Christina
And then also just remember, like from person to person, it's going to be different. So if you are somebody who has those expectations that it's not a big deal to you, it may be a big deal to someone else. So I think that that is something that Michael learned along the way, that because it just because it wasn't important to him didn't mean it wasn't important to me.

00;25;42;14 - 00;26;03;22
Christina
And when you love someone, you do even do those things that are important to them. So if someone in your community is struggling and you know that maybe it is out of kindness, that their spouse was really big or they're really big on birthdays and it's going to be the first time that they're going to have a birthday without family or whatever, if you can do those little things.

00;26;03;22 - 00;26;22;16
Christina
Yeah. And if you're somebody, this is just like a bonus on this episode. I shared this on social media before our anniversary that you've seen those things where people make arrangements. Have you seen that where they make arrangements for flowers to be delivered for several years after they die? And I just have always thought that was the coolest thing.

00;26;22;16 - 00;26;42;22
Christina
And about a month or so before Michael died, he was working in our backyard and he had to dig up a line because we were burying our power lines and there were flowers. All of a sudden there were these really cool white daisies that came out of nowhere. They were wild growing in our backyard and he knew that I liked them.

00;26;42;22 - 00;27;02;15
Christina
I thought they were so cool. And so he transplanted them into this cast iron bathtub that I had flowers growing in, and they they died that fall after he died. And I was really bummed. I was like, man, that would have been so cool to have those. And the next year in the spring, they grew up, they grew back.

00;27;02;15 - 00;27;08;24
Christina
And I just think of that as like his way of sending me flowers every year and so, so fun.

00;27;08;24 - 00;27;10;05
Meghan
Yeah, that's cute. Yeah.

00;27;10;05 - 00;27;20;09
Christina
So if you're, you know, if you're thinking of something, you know, pay attention. If you have a friend who has lost somebody, you know, send in flowers, a card, whatever is totally appropriate.

00;27;20;09 - 00;27;41;26
Meghan
Yeah, I was very fortunate. My friends did do that for the first year. It was just the first year. But every time a holiday would come up or an anniversary, they would send me a text. I remember my friend sent me stuff on Valentine's Day. She sent me like a little gift, you know, send me stuff on his birthday, like just a little something and either a text or a little something from Amazon, like whatever.

00;27;41;26 - 00;28;01;06
Meghan
And then the death of nursery, that was another one. So, yeah, my friends, you guys aced it. You guys are fantastic. Thank you for doing that. Because it did. It meant a lot. Yeah. Especially in that first year, which I found to be the hardest. I know that some people say the second year is the hardest, but for me the first year was the hardest.

00;28;01;06 - 00;28;13;26
Meghan
And then I was like, you know, healing and just continuing, continuing that growth and continuing that healing and moving forward. So yeah, that, that is when I needed it most year one.

00;28;13;29 - 00;28;44;18
Christina
And I would encourage if you are somebody who is going through this, which is probably why you are listening, consider changing the narrative of that day if you want to look at it that way. So for our family, we are a blended family and my daughter doesn't remember not having, you know, Michael as her dad, but that our wedding day is actually the day we officially legally became a family.

00;28;44;18 - 00;29;10;10
Christina
And so when I look at that date, I want going forward, now that it's been the 25th to start looking at that as the date we became a family and our family was established. So for those of you who maybe don't have that mindset, I like that we had Michael and I read something years ago that a family is two people.

00;29;10;24 - 00;29;15;03
Christina
It's two people. It's two partners. That's a family. Children don't make a family.

00;29;15;03 - 00;29;15;13
Meghan
Yeah.

00;29;15;21 - 00;29;32;11
Christina
And so if you are someone who maybe wants to look at it that way, that that was the date that your family was established. And so you can go on and celebrate that with your children and grandchildren as this is the establishment date of our family to celebrate.

00;29;32;12 - 00;29;50;09
Meghan
Yeah, I love that. I love the idea of changing the narrative and kind of taking it back. You know, it is not necessarily this sad day that always has to be sad because your person's gone. You know, it doesn't have to be that you are certainly allowed to be sad and you are certainly allowed to grieve and do what you need to do.

00;29;50;09 - 00;30;17;22
Meghan
But but doing what you can to turn it into something that helps you grow, not necessarily positive, but something that helps you heal. Yes. As opposed to just this full stop. Every time it comes around, every year. I think that's really smart. That's really good advice. Great. Great idea. Thanks. All right, friends, while the time has come, so whether your cup is empty, half full or overflowing, raise it up.

00;30;18;04 - 00;30;40;08
Meghan
Here's to the craziness of life after last year. Thank you so much for being here with us. Please subscribe to our podcast if you found it helpful and you can also find us on social media, on Instagram, at Full Cop Club podcast. And if you search full club Club podcast on Facebook again, thanks friends and we'll see you next time.