19 - What to Do When You're Triggered By Someone Else's Grief

Christina and Meghan talk about different emotional triggers and how they coped while grieving. Listen to this episode to learn what they did (and still do!) to get through those emotionally triggering moments.

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Transcript

00;00;00;16 - 00;00;04;07
Christina
I am. I'm feeling it, girl. I'm feeling it. I am.

00;00;04;11 - 00;00;05;23
Meghan
I'm in the great Texas.

00;00;06;00 - 00;00;07;15
Christina
The great state of Texas.

00;00;07;16 - 00;00;12;23
Meghan
I just see the heat waves coming off of. You just seem to sense the sweat.

00;00;13;17 - 00;00;34;01
Christina
More specifically, as we know, the boobs, sweat, the offense. You oh, my gosh. It is hot. Oh, my goodness. It has gone up two degrees since we started. Since we since setup started. So I am up to 77 now. If you live in the Pacific Northwest and you heard me say 77, you're like, whoo! That is a perfect day in the Pacific Northwest.

00;00;34;05 - 00;00;52;08
Christina
However, I'm not. I'm in the great state of Texas. The humidity is actually higher. It's probably like 80% right now. So that changes everything. If you have never been to the South, if you have never experienced the humidity in the south, I don't want to say you need to put it on your bucket list, but it needs to that you need to have that experience.

00;00;52;18 - 00;01;02;07
Meghan
Let's not torture people but it is a good it is a good reminder to be grateful for the weather in wherever you're from.

00;01;02;07 - 00;01;12;09
Christina
Yes. Yes, it it does it does help you to understand why everybody's always sipping on that sweet tea because. Whoo hoo, girl, it gets warm it.

00;01;12;10 - 00;01;23;21
Meghan
That's why it's why I have that fizzy water now. No more hot coffee. Not in the middle of the day. I'll do it in the morning. Can have hot coffee. You know it in the afternoon.

00;01;23;21 - 00;01;25;14
Christina
No, ma'am. No, man.

00;01;25;28 - 00;01;28;00
Meghan
From, like, March to October.

00;01;30;03 - 00;01;31;09
Meghan
Hi, I'm Megan.

00;01;31;09 - 00;01;35;01
Christina
And I'm Christina. And this is a full cup club podcast.

00;01;35;14 - 00;01;44;21
Meghan
We're here to talk through the good, the bad, and the ugly of loss. Whether that's losing a loved one, a job, a dream, or even your marbles.

00;01;45;15 - 00;02;09;00
Christina
So whether your cup has coffee, tea, or vodka in it. Welcome to the World Cup Club. Hey, friends. On today's episode, we wanted to touch on what happens when your emotions are triggered by other people's grief. When we see someone else who has experienced a loss and we feel triggered by that, we. It's a legit thing that happens.

00;02;09;00 - 00;02;34;17
Christina
It happens to all of us because we connect with we go back and connect with that within ourselves. So today we're going to be talking about that and ways that we can protect ourselves or arm ourselves a little bit better and be more prepared, be proactive in how to handle that. And have some things in place before when we see those things happen.

00;02;34;17 - 00;02;40;09
Christina
And but before we get started, Megan, what are you drinking today?

00;02;40;18 - 00;03;02;04
Meghan
So today I have iced coffee. As discussed, hot coffee is a no go this time. Of day. So this is just my leftover coffee from this morning. I always make enough to have two cups, but this morning I just had the one. So sometimes I'll I'll save the other cup for later. So, yeah, just a regular old iced coffee.

00;03;02;14 - 00;03;03;11
Meghan
What are you having?

00;03;03;11 - 00;03;09;01
Christina
I am actually doing water cup my water just because it's so warm and I'm trying to stay hydrated.

00;03;09;09 - 00;03;10;12
Meghan
In your cute new cup.

00;03;10;12 - 00;03;21;07
Christina
I did. So I have a coffee cup for Texas and I have a yeti, so yeti cups at home to keep my stuff cold. And so I went to their flagship store.

00;03;21;08 - 00;03;41;15
Meghan
She has rules when it comes to her yeti cups. Each one has it serves a different purpose. Yes, we don't co-mingle beverages. No, in the different cups. Listen, if your water cup is dirty, I'm sorry, but you're drinking whiskey like you got you got to use the if you got to use the cocktail yeti cup. Yes. Cocktail.

00;03;41;15 - 00;04;03;29
Christina
Yes. That is exactly how that works. Yes. People like what? I don't understand. No, the red cup is for hot tea. The Blue Cup is for coffee. Yes, there there is a whole thing. Yeah. Stuff that goes on with my cup. So, friends, as we said earlier, we're going to talk about what happens when we are emotionally triggered by other people's loss and watching them grieve.

00;04;04;12 - 00;04;25;03
Christina
And I know for me personally, I live in a community that is smaller. And so I'm very connected in my community. We're not anonymous. We don't live in a big city where that you go to the grocery store and you don't run into somebody, you're going to run into 30 people. You're definitely going to run into 20 people from church and like five people that you work with.

00;04;25;03 - 00;05;01;21
Christina
And so it is a different type of community. And so for me, when I'm on Facebook, I know all these people. There are local people, so if someone passes, 100 of my friends easily lost the same person and then we're locally, you know, supporting that person and watching them grieve. And as someone who has lost, you know, their spouse in the last few years, I've watched a few other people in my community lose their spouses and there are a lot of very close ties with those people.

00;05;01;21 - 00;05;19;12
Christina
And so watching them go through that I, I can be triggered by that because what happens is I have to put myself back and think, how can I support this person? But that means that I'm connecting with something and me that those things.

00;05;19;27 - 00;05;28;27
Meghan
It's like you're, it's like you're diving back into it. It's like you're choosing to jump back into the hardest days of your life. Yes.

00;05;29;17 - 00;05;31;06
Christina
Yes. That's exactly what.

00;05;31;10 - 00;05;55;01
Meghan
You know, to be to be supportive of and empathetic in that moment for that person. That's that's what you have to do. And it can be triggering. It can be hard. So what can we do to ease that a little bit for ourselves? You know, to protect ourselves from, you know, having to, you know, to be able to be supportive or whatever.

00;05;55;01 - 00;06;02;08
Meghan
You know, in this instance, it's to be able to be supportive without hurting ourselves in the process. You know.

00;06;02;14 - 00;06;26;08
Christina
Definitely I have in the very beginning, I would say that I set up some I do realize pretty early on there were just things that I couldn't do. I couldn't be supportive to somebody who, you know, maybe in that first year or so, I just had to give myself permission to not be that person who comes in and helps, just to be honest.

00;06;26;08 - 00;06;53;15
Christina
And if you're that person and you feel like, man, because, you know, you've heard my story, literally, my community showed up and rallied around me and was supportive. And then, of course, I felt guilty because I wasn't ready to go back in and help someone else. And so I just had to give my myself permission pretty early on to let that go and recognize I wasn't able to help them at that point.

00;06;53;15 - 00;07;08;16
Christina
And so just to protect that. And so if you're feeling that maybe that might be some boundary you have to set up and give yourself permission and recognize you're still healing and that someday you might be able to be that support, but you're not going to be that right now.

00;07;09;06 - 00;07;37;11
Meghan
And that's OK. Yeah, that's OK to not just rush. And there's other ways you can be supportive while still protecting yourself. Yes, I, I don't live in a community like you do. I live in a big area. I mean, we don't I don't run into people I know at the grocery store. So it's not the same experience where, you know, you see, you see somebody passed and you're like, oh, wow, this is a devastating loss for the community.

00;07;37;21 - 00;07;57;17
Meghan
Yes. You know, yes. So in my case, you know, I'll see people who have passed and I just I take a moment and I'm just like, oh, that's so hard for their family, you know? And I might not know them. So maybe it's a Facebook friend, somebody I went to high school with or you know, something? I'm not really I don't I don't really chat with too often.

00;07;57;17 - 00;08;23;17
Meghan
It could be a celebrity sometimes. You know, when celebrity dies and some celebrities die I'm just like, oh, my gosh. Just, you know, grieving that loss, you know, for whatever iconic, you know, thing that they did, whatever movie or whatever. And then thinking about how difficult those people so how difficult their family is, you know, the difficulties that they're about to step into.

00;08;23;17 - 00;08;53;28
Meghan
Yes. And that's what I always think about when I see some of these pass. I'm like, oh, my gosh, this is about I mean, it's already hard for you guys right now. And I am I'm just so sorry that you have to deal with that. I think that perspective comes from having gone through it. You know, it's like before before Jason died, one of my jobs, I was in charge of sending gifts and flowers for, you know, employees like whatever they were going through, a wedding or whatever.

00;08;54;16 - 00;09;15;07
Meghan
A lot of the time it was sympathy, flowers. And now I just cringe when I think about it because, I mean, like a young 20 something didn't know what I was doing. I always had to write the note in the card, you know, from the company. Right. And so every single time I wrote, I'm so sorry. Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.

00;09;16;28 - 00;09;38;00
Meghan
So that every single time I wrote our thoughts are with you because I never wanted to say prayers because, you know, it's a company, not another religion. Anyway, our thoughts are with you during this difficult time and then like from the company and it's like that is the most generic, non helpful thing to write in a sympathy card.

00;09;39;05 - 00;10;10;14
Meghan
And now now I'm like, oh my gosh, I am so sorry to everybody that received that. Like, it's just so like, oh, wow, this must be really hard for you. Well, bye. You know, it's just it just doesn't feel like authentic. And I'm just it just makes me cringe thinking about it. And so now, though, now that I have gone through the loss of Jason, I feel like, oh my gosh, when somebody passes, it's like, I know what it's about to be like for you.

00;10;10;14 - 00;10;11;15
Meghan
And I am so.

00;10;11;15 - 00;10;12;00
Christina
Sorry.

00;10;12;11 - 00;10;20;26
Meghan
That you are that you are going through this. You know, it's a much more authentic response. And I think that just comes from experience which sucks.

00;10;21;29 - 00;10;54;12
Christina
Yeah, I think of that, too. It's like, you know, you you can act differently when you're writing. I'm sorry. There's so much more weight behind it. When you're writing that card. I know for me, when I was in my early twenties, I lost my brother when he was a teenager and that has been something in my life that I have been able to connect with others who have experienced grief and loss that was something that I could that's the way I empathized with them.

00;10;55;00 - 00;11;06;29
Christina
And but I recognize that if it was a child, they lost or a spouse, they loss. It was not the same. Those griefs were different. Loss is loss. However, those losses are different.

00;11;08;02 - 00;11;19;28
Meghan
Would you say that since your early twenties when you lost your brother, would you say that you were triggered by things back then, by other people's grief?

00;11;20;17 - 00;11;43;14
Christina
Not as much as I am now. I think I was able to be there for people in a different way as far as being able to say I did nails for 15 years and so my clients experience different losses over theirs years. And the one thing I always felt like I could say to people from this very authentic place is no one gets to tell you how to grieve.

00;11;43;23 - 00;12;12;19
Christina
I mean, I've been saying that since I was in my early twenties. No one gets to tell you how to grieve but as far as I mean, I remember I have had a client who lost her husband and I it's not the same. I knew it wasn't the same then as me losing my brother. And so, yeah, I recognize that when somebody loses a child, I don't know what the parents are feeling, but I know what it feels like to be the sibling.

00;12;12;29 - 00;12;15;14
Christina
So, yeah, it's just it's different.

00;12;15;14 - 00;12;37;00
Meghan
You know, what it feels like to lose somebody close to you. So, like, there's that level of similarity, but it's not not the same. It's like if there's like a, it's like a path that kind of branches off. Yes. Like you have the first layer, it's the same and then it kind of goes into it. Yeah, I, I feel this.

00;12;37;03 - 00;12;58;19
Meghan
Yeah, exactly. The same. You know, I don't know what it's like to lose a child, but I do know what it's like to lose a spouse. And I know what it's like growing up having my mom died when I was a baby. So I don't know what it's like to lose a parent. I just know what it's like to live with a parent that's gone, you know, since she was a baby or I was a baby.

00;12;58;19 - 00;13;22;29
Meghan
So I didn't really feel that, you know? But I will say that I feel like there are emotional triggers just all around us that we just have to kind of shield ourselves from. I remember I've always, you know, Disney movies back in the nineties, like when we were kids, were a lot more sad. They were about like a family breaking apart in some way, a parent dying or whatever.

00;13;23;05 - 00;13;48;24
Meghan
Right? So those are really sad. And so they have always been sad. But I remember after Jason died, we watched a movie where it was like I felt personally attacked by this movie, and I can't remember what it was. It was on Netflix. And maybe if I describe it, you'll know it was, but it was like this young kid who was mom died of some some disease.

00;13;48;24 - 00;14;08;22
Meghan
Like it showed her progression of dying, so her mom died. But then something also had to do like she was her mom's spirit was like guiding her. And then she also had a love connection or something like as an adult. And that spirit was also guiding her. I was like, yo, is this my life? Like, I can't watch this movie.

00;14;11;03 - 00;14;16;13
Meghan
Again. And I remember after Jason died, I made the mistake of watching Coco. Have you seen Coco?

00;14;16;13 - 00;14;22;27
Christina
Oh, yes, man. We watched that right after right after Michael died. Yeah, within a few months. We watched it.

00;14;23;03 - 00;14;24;04
Meghan
For the first time.

00;14;24;14 - 00;14;24;29
Christina
Yes.

00;14;25;03 - 00;14;46;29
Meghan
Did you know what it was about? I went into that one blind. I think it's important to maybe maybe when you're in a difficult emotional spot, look up a trailer ahead of time for a movie you're going to watch. You know, I went to see Deadpool two with my friend, and there's a there's a plot in there that's about losing someone.

00;14;46;29 - 00;14;49;21
Meghan
And I was like, you never expect it from Deadpool.

00;14;49;26 - 00;15;11;13
Christina
Yes. And here's something that is such a good like point. The kids and I went to watch Mr. Rogers I never in my wildest dreams. Now I'm a big person. This might be weird, but I'm a big person on everyone's email. I like to pick up a book that I know absolutely nothing about. And just start reading. OK.

00;15;12;09 - 00;15;17;22
Meghan
You do like you have to have change. That's part of your personality. You just have to have that level of excitement.

00;15;17;26 - 00;15;35;17
Christina
Can we just have a really funny moment for this? And people are going to be like, Oh my goodness, what? OK, so I'm an early adopter. I'm a very early adopter, so early in adoption that I am the first person I'm the first that's going to be on the scene because I want to know all the things. I don't want to be the last person figuring out.

00;15;35;17 - 00;15;57;10
Christina
Also, if I'm close to the end, I'm like, I don't even want to know. That's how I am such an early adopter. So funny story back in the day because I'm an early adopter. I kept seeing this book, like coming out and I'm an avid reader. So I get this book and I'm reading it and I'm reading and it's a book that I pick up and I know nothing about it.

00;15;58;00 - 00;16;22;14
Christina
And again, early adopter friends like so early adoption here, and I'm reading this book, I'm 110 pages in and I'm like, Oh, oh my. Whoa, what's friends again? I'm going to say I am an early adopter. It was 50 Shades of Gray. I had no idea nobody knew about this book.

00;16;23;05 - 00;16;28;18
Meghan
And I was like, Oh my gosh. Oh, I feel like ever look, I'm not buying it.

00;16;28;25 - 00;16;52;08
Christina
No, I guess just go back to this. No, no, no, no, no. I promise you, I worked in a nail salon. Nobody knew about this book. Like, nobody knew because that's how early adoption. So you don't know until you're 110 pages. And so by the same thing, yeah, my kids and I who are adult children, we have just lost Michael and we.

00;16;52;11 - 00;16;52;17
Meghan
Moved.

00;16;53;05 - 00;17;13;10
Christina
To Texas and we're like, OK, we're going to like watch this movie. And we go to see Mr. Rogers. I believe it's Thanksgiving. So literally. Michael passed the end of September. This is November. And we would watch this if you have never watched the movie. Oh, my goodness. We should have gotten up and walked out of the movie.

00;17;13;14 - 00;17;19;10
Christina
If you've not seen that movie, it's a don't go see it if you just lost someone.

00;17;19;10 - 00;17;24;08
Meghan
Is it just called Mr. Rogers? I feel like it was called a Welcome to the Neighborhood or.

00;17;24;08 - 00;17;25;13
Christina
Something like Mr..

00;17;25;13 - 00;17;26;27
Meghan
Rogers movie. It's the.

00;17;27;04 - 00;17;34;22
Christina
Movie about yes, it is about him and about somebody who lost a parent and he is going and visiting them and oh.

00;17;34;24 - 00;17;35;16
Meghan
My God, it's.

00;17;36;19 - 00;17;59;29
Christina
It's terrible. And it was a dad and my two adult children who just lost their father is where like all and I just walked out and I was like, do not I posted on social media. I was like, do not go see this movie if you lost somebody? So yeah, those types of things I would highly recommend. Like you're saying re if you're somebody who likes the surprise of a movie, you really want to read trailers or reviews or what.

00;17;59;29 - 00;18;09;16
Meghan
Is not the moment. Yeah, this is not the moment. You should watch those trailers I watched. P.S., I love you. Oh, yeah. A few months afterwards, I said, Have you seen that one?

00;18;09;17 - 00;18;22;12
Christina
I did and I, I had seen it and I rewatched it again. There are movies that like, I think sometimes you kind of want to go back into that space and feel all the, the feelings and then it's like, OK, you know?

00;18;23;01 - 00;18;39;05
Meghan
Yeah. No, I just didn't know what it was about. I just put on a chick flick just because chick flicks are always well, I thought it was like a rom com. Like, I thought it was going to be funny. So wrong. Huge mistake to watch that movie. After you have lost your spouse. Yeah, just give it some time, you know?

00;18;39;07 - 00;18;50;02
Meghan
Just give it some time. You want to watch it. Gerard Butler, he's fantastic. But like, wait no, that one. Just word to the wise. And speaking of emotional triggers. Yes.

00;18;50;16 - 00;19;15;25
Christina
And there there are a lot of them. I had some a widower pretty within a few months of Michael passing, there were there are actually a lot of shows on Netflix where people have lost someone. And some of them will say that and some won't. So just be aware because this person was like, this was really helpful to me because it was a husband who lost the wife to cancer and he had lost his wife, I believe, to cancer.

00;19;15;25 - 00;19;19;09
Christina
And so he really felt that connection where that for me it was.

00;19;19;09 - 00;19;21;09
Meghan
You describing after life.

00;19;21;09 - 00;19;22;15
Christina
Yes. Yes.

00;19;22;17 - 00;19;25;03
Meghan
I did watch that show. And I liked that show.

00;19;25;05 - 00;19;39;17
Christina
Yeah. It was just like too soon for me. But for him, it was very helpful. Yeah. In that process. So, yeah, it just depends on, you know, just be aware going into something that something that may not trigger someone else could be triggering for you.

00;19;39;28 - 00;20;01;24
Meghan
Right? Yeah. This is the time to research and watch those movie trailers. So just so you can protect yourself, you know, you don't have to skip it altogether. Just watch it later or, or maybe just knowing ahead of time. So you're not surprised by it going in. So so yeah, I think that social media can be triggering sometimes too.

00;20;01;26 - 00;20;36;02
Meghan
Yes. Or, or events that happen in the media. I always you know, if I if I hear about some of it, there's always some piece of awful news that happens right. And so I just I feel it. I don't I don't know if everybody is like this, but I just I, I feel it so much and I have to, I have to step away from, you know, so I'll, what I'll do is I'll always read the article and find out what happened so that I'm not just wondering and speculating and building up, you know, this, this thing in my head, right?

00;20;36;08 - 00;21;07;16
Meghan
So I'll read it, but then I'm not great at this. But what I try to do is I read one or two articles and then I stop, you know, I don't obsess over it. I don't like go try to find out more of what happened or whatever. I really try to stop and then if it's something that's all over social media, I have to just step away from social media for a period of time and I think that that's just, you know, it's important to know your limits, know what you can and can't handle.

00;21;07;16 - 00;21;25;00
Meghan
And to not feel guilty, I think, is really important when you have to step away just for your own mental health. I think it's very important that for you to know that you're not doing something wrong, you're not ignoring it. You are protecting your mental health.

00;21;25;00 - 00;21;46;20
Christina
Yes. Protect your peace. At this point. You you do not have the bandwidth to deal with a lot of things that other people may have the bandwidth for. Let the other people, you know, do those things. You are trying to heal. And if you are not at the place where you have the bandwidth for that, like it's OK.

00;21;47;00 - 00;21;47;25
Meghan
It's OK.

00;21;48;08 - 00;22;14;27
Christina
Give yourself permission. You do not need to be on the front lines of dealing with stuff when you are trying to heal from a loss. And even sometimes it can be ten years down the road that that it's triggering again. And I wouldn't expect someone I mean, think about that. It's how would we go back to this a lot if this were a friend, how would you encourage a friend to deal with?

00;22;15;02 - 00;22;42;19
Christina
I would not say, oh, if someone lost their spouse, you should be at their front door at 8 a.m., like sitting with them if you just lost a spouse. However, if it's a year down the road or two years down the road, you know, one thing for me that I do is I reach out after a while. You know, I give an appropriate amount of time and just say, hey, one of the biggest gifts in my life was being able to talk to another widow.

00;22;43;00 - 00;22;50;00
Christina
I may not be that widow, but I'm here. And I would encourage you to find another widow to talk to because your mama.

00;22;50;00 - 00;22;51;11
Meghan
Or your experience.

00;22;51;11 - 00;22;52;11
Christina
Yeah, if that.

00;22;52;11 - 00;22;52;20
Meghan
Is.

00;22;52;29 - 00;23;00;23
Christina
If that is what works for you. And so that's kind of how I put it out there. But I had to give it a couple of years before I could do that.

00;23;01;03 - 00;23;26;23
Meghan
Mm hmm. Well, even even doing this podcast, even doing this podcast, we, you know, I, I felt like I had to move through the really heavy parts of losing Jason before I could talk about it. You know, I had to be through it and and not done, but just at a point where I feel like I'm healed, you know, I couldn't.

00;23;26;26 - 00;23;33;29
Meghan
There's no way that I could have done this podcast. What we do every week while I was still trying to heal from that. Yes.

00;23;34;21 - 00;24;03;06
Christina
There's this idea that to speak from your scars and not from your wounds. And I see people who speak from open wounds, and I understand that, like, sometimes when we're processing, we are speaking and we're helping. You know, for me, I was I was writing on social media to close friends, and we were all walking through this together, however, to to come on to here and to encourage people into in this manner, I felt like I really needed to be healed.

00;24;03;06 - 00;24;26;05
Christina
Like you're saying, there needed to be a lot more healing. This is going to take a lifetime. This is never going to fully, you know, become completely to a place where it's just like, oh, just jump up and down on that scar. You know, type thing. It's always going to have some level of, you know, healing. But it definitely like you feel like I'm in a different place that I didn't feel like I could.

00;24;26;13 - 00;24;36;26
Christina
Hey, let's just easily, you know, my goodness, if we were just on here, you would be crying like you'd be breaking down and doing different things. I feel like.

00;24;37;01 - 00;24;41;09
Meghan
Yeah, especially if it was the week I watched. P.S., I love you. Yeah.

00;24;42;29 - 00;24;47;11
Christina
If you need a good cry forever on this journey, and or adventure, as.

00;24;47;11 - 00;24;48;11
Meghan
We like to call it here.

00;24;49;07 - 00;24;59;28
Christina
This awful adventure, you know, sometimes you might be like, I just need to connect with that. I need to have a good cry that's a good movie to watch if you're that person. So yeah.

00;25;00;10 - 00;25;11;22
Meghan
I have never been a person who, like, needed a good cry. I don't understand that. I understand that that is the case for some people, but I don't relate to that.

00;25;12;06 - 00;25;16;02
Christina
I feel like I do not need a set of emotions. Some people do.

00;25;16;16 - 00;25;40;02
Meghan
Oh, yeah, yeah. And that's. That's fine. I just. That is not that is not my experience. I've never felt like I needed a good cry or I had a good cry. I just either am crying or I'm not. Yeah, I think that now, having lost Jason, I think that I am more emotionally triggered by other people's grief. Would you say that's the case for you too?

00;25;40;13 - 00;25;42;00
Meghan
I just think I'm more empathetic.

00;25;42;01 - 00;26;15;07
Christina
Yes, definitely more empathetic. I think I watched a lot of people who mourn their spouse very deeply for many, many years. And I couldn't understand to the depth I understand now. And yeah, I have a lot more sympathy, not sympathy, empathy in that situation to see somebody and recognize that it it does. It's a lifetime of healing that happens.

00;26;15;07 - 00;26;40;19
Christina
And so, yeah, I, I definitely feel differently. I know now when I see someone in my community, someone that I know or even someone I don't know, there's something in me and I kind of, you know, hinted at this earlier. There's something in me that has to connect with that person. And I have to be able to go back and think, what does this widow or widower need right now?

00;26;40;19 - 00;27;11;14
Christina
What are they going through? When I remember back and say, like, oh my, it's one month, what was happening one month out for me? And how can I is there some way that I can reach out to them or something that I knew right at that time that they needed? Like, was there something that the six month mark that I really wish someone would have done and I do those things, but I have to go back and allow myself to connect, which is a really can be a very emotional and it's a very vulnerable place.

00;27;12;07 - 00;27;31;13
Christina
I am a big fan of Brené Brown and her work on Shame Resilience and Vulnerability and all of those things. And she talks about the difference between empathy and sympathy. So sympathy is I feel for you, it's seen somebody in a really hard place and going hmm, that's that's hard. That would be.

00;27;31;13 - 00;27;33;07
Meghan
Rough. That must be hard for you.

00;27;33;08 - 00;27;56;00
Christina
Yeah. And empathy is going and you're connecting with something in yourself. That's been there, and you're able to go and sit with that person and just sit there and say, this is hard and I know it's hard and I'm just going to sit here with you. And to be able to be vulnerable and vulnerable enough to allow yourself to sit in that space and you know how hard it is.

00;27;56;09 - 00;28;18;11
Christina
And being able to sit with somebody and and not really give advice, but just to be able to say, like, that's hard. Like, it's hard that I mean, there are text messages that widows get for me and the stuff I say, I it's I say this is so damn hard, you know, and nobody's going to understand and this sucks so much.

00;28;18;11 - 00;28;41;13
Christina
And I'm so sorry you're going through this. Those are the kinds of attacks that they get from me that no one will ever see because I say some really hard things about how hard this is. And you have to allow yourself to go back to those spaces. And it's a hard, vulnerable thing to go back to but I think at the same time, you know, you and I were talking about this earlier.

00;28;41;25 - 00;29;03;13
Christina
I also know that for me, I've had to set some boundaries around and be proactive with what I allow myself to do. So for the first year or so, I could not there are things I couldn't do I said this earlier. There were things that I was like, Nope, someone else is going to be there for them. That's not going to be me.

00;29;03;24 - 00;29;31;07
Christina
And I started thinking like, what are ways that, you know, I'm triggered by this? So what are what can I do? And so I just kind of figure it out. Like, OK, when that day comes I think I might be able to make somebody a meal. I wasn't able for a long time to go. I just, in the last few weeks, went to a funeral for the first time, and Michael's been gone for two and a half years to be able to go.

00;29;31;16 - 00;29;57;03
Christina
But before that, I couldn't. And so I was like, OK, what can I do? What do I know that I would be capable of doing? And about the two year mark, I was able to take someone to meal. And so I think thinking about that, giving yourself permission to set a boundary about what you can do if you're triggered and then say, you know what, right now for the season, I'm not able to do this, but someday what what will I be able to do?

00;29;58;01 - 00;30;15;24
Christina
I may not be able to go and sit in a service, but I can send that person a card and say like, I am, I'm your and my thoughts are with you on this day type of a thing and let the person know, like I, I want to be here. I'm not able to be there at this point.

00;30;16;17 - 00;30;20;23
Christina
So those were ways that I was proactive in that season when I was triggered.

00;30;20;28 - 00;30;30;01
Meghan
And, and that's great. It's great to know that about yourself. To put up those boundaries and also to not feel guilty about them.

00;30;30;21 - 00;30;50;02
Christina
Yes. Do not feel an important part. Yeah. You don't you don't need to be a hero. Nobody needs you to be a hero. Like be our own hero. You know, save yourself, protect yourself at this point because this adventure is tough. And I just want to go back to that, protecting your peace.

00;30;50;20 - 00;31;21;17
Meghan
So we've talked about ways you can feel triggered. So like you just said, going to a funeral after you have also lost somebody reading about difficult news in the media or even celebrities dying, watching or reading. I mean, 50 Shades is not a difficult book. But, you know, if you don't know what you're getting into with a movie or a book and it winds up having a really difficult storyline.

00;31;22;09 - 00;31;53;20
Meghan
So we've talked about all of these different ways you might feel triggered and then what you can do to protect yourself and not feel guilty about it. Either in the short term or the long term. Maybe going to funerals is something you can't ever do again, and that's OK. What are other ways you can show up? You know, so you've got you've got a toolkit here to at least feel validated that you shouldn't feel guilty for not doing things you used to be able to do.

00;31;54;22 - 00;32;29;07
Meghan
But then also, you know, some some helpful tips. Just read those reviews and and movie trailers or, you know, stop looking at social media for a period of time till, you know, and maybe that's the case after hard news cycles, but maybe that's also the case after right after you lost somebody. We talked a while ago about feeling angry, feeling anger, at other people's happiness because they got to have that, you know, and that's a that's an emotional trigger.

00;32;29;07 - 00;32;51;09
Meghan
I mean, that's being triggered so, you know, if you just step out of that, you recognize it's happening and then just put down the phone, just step away from social media. It doesn't have to be forever and then just take a little break and then come back when you have found that peace, when you have calmed down and then you can move forward.

00;32;51;09 - 00;33;12;29
Christina
I saw someone the other day talking about how that her spouse who had just passed, how they would have talked to her and how they would have encouraged her. And I think that's something, you know, that you and I have mentioned, as is have talked about, is that if that person was your support system when you are triggered about something that can be hard.

00;33;13;10 - 00;33;34;01
Christina
And I know you had mentioned finding a friend. You have a friend that you specifically talk to about these things. When you're triggered by something maybe on social media. But it also could be maybe you've gone to counseling and you've already gone through all of your you know, you spent a year and a half in counseling and you're like, OK, like, I don't even know if you're triggered sometimes.

00;33;34;01 - 00;34;02;06
Christina
Don't forget, you can reach back out to a counselor. If you don't have a friend to talk to. That would be my encouragement is if that was your person that brought you, you know, that was able to, when you were triggered, help you have a place to land, to have that as a be proactive and thinking, OK, if I am triggered, you know, write it down, write down like, OK, these are the three things that I'm going to do if I'm triggered.

00;34;02;06 - 00;34;18;11
Christina
Like Megan said, I'm going to shut off social media. Mm hmm. I'm going to find a friend to talk to and I'm going to you know, or I'm going to make a counseling appointment and maybe I'm going to practice some self-care at that point. And I mean, that is all self-care, if you think about it. It just it's not maybe going to be a mask.

00;34;18;11 - 00;34;21;19
Christina
It's going to be these are the ways that I'm going to protect my peace.

00;34;21;19 - 00;34;46;08
Meghan
Yeah, it could it could even just be as simple as I just need to rest. I need to sleep, you know, I need to I just need to wait it out until tomorrow, you know? But yeah, yeah, I was I had meant to mention that earlier that you could talk to a counselor, but even reach back out to a counselor if you have already been in therapy, do you have anything else to add for this episode?

00;34;46;17 - 00;35;10;12
Christina
Um, I would just say like, I appreciate having you as a friend that I can reach out to when I'm triggered, when I'm watching somebody go through something hard. And I appreciate that. And so, yeah, thank you. And I hope when our listeners are triggered, you know, hopefully they can pop on one of our episodes and hear us laugh and find joy.

00;35;10;12 - 00;35;32;21
Christina
And they can feel like if they don't have a friend to talk to that they can at least hear us laughing and being silly and yeah, talking about boobs, sweat and taxes and, and it can bring a smile to your face, you know, go watch a funny movie if you're having a hard time, go do something fun. Go take a walk, walk your dog.

00;35;33;06 - 00;35;58;00
Meghan
So yeah, just remove yourself from the difficult time and you can if you're feeling just emotionally overwhelmed. Yeah. I appreciate having you too. It goes back to having a widow to talk to you know, finding a widow. And we just got lucky that we also have similar interests and similar personalities. So that worked out really well. It's almost happenstance.

00;35;58;00 - 00;36;18;16
Meghan
Fate. Speaking of speaking of in episode 17, we talked about premonitions and and stuff. Mm hmm. Remember, at the end of the episode, we were like, it says there's four people on our Skype call, but it was just you and me talking. But it said there was four people. You know, I said Two out of four. Yes, yes.

00;36;18;27 - 00;36;36;19
Meghan
And that was the episode where we were talking about like the werewolf sounds like from, you know, like, I don't know, maybe there's, you know, well, if you look at Skype today, it just says two people are here. That's I'm just saying, that is the only time that has happened. And that is so weird.

00;36;36;19 - 00;37;00;17
Christina
And you know what else happened? I think I share that with you, but I didn't share it with our listeners. I walked out of recording and every morning I light my I have the candle we've shared about the candle. It's run on two D batteries and I walked out and I had lit that candle turn the candle on that morning and the candle was out when I walked out of there.

00;37;00;17 - 00;37;22;08
Christina
And it's the candle lit a light. Just if you haven't listened to the episode. Yeah, I light it every morning and it sits with like the flag from Michael's, you know, Michael's flag and a picture of him and some really cool other things and it was like, oh, that was also interesting. I was like, OK, that's, that's weird.

00;37;22;08 - 00;37;23;23
Christina
The candles out. So listen.

00;37;23;23 - 00;37;38;22
Meghan
It's weird, right? It's weird. And sure, sure. It can be explained, but also it feels very coincidental, very purposeful that it would happen on, you know. Yeah. Episode. Yeah. I'm just saying, believe what you want.

00;37;38;22 - 00;37;46;17
Christina
Yeah. And you don't like until this happens. You're like other before I would say yeah, I was little. Yeah. Like, Hmm. OK.

00;37;46;26 - 00;37;57;21
Meghan
Now like like batteries die. Like, that's normal. And computer technology has glitches. Like, it can all be explained, but can it? Mm and and yeah.

00;37;59;26 - 00;38;21;01
Meghan
It is fun to think about. It is. It is. Yeah. All right, well, thank you for being here as always. If you find our episodes, our podcast, helpful, and you like it here, you like this space, it's really helpful for us. If you leave a review that helps other people find us and you can also reach out and chat with us.

00;38;21;01 - 00;38;42;15
Meghan
Tell us your stories about about anything. You know, if there's something you want to share, maybe we could put it in a future episode with your permission. Obviously, you can reach us, reach out to us on social media, DMS on Instagram or Facebook. And then also you can email us for Cup Club podcast at gmail.com. So whatever is easiest.

00;38;42;18 - 00;38;54;00
Meghan
All right, friends. Well, the time has come. So whether your cup is empty, half full or overflowing, raise it up. Here's to the craziness of life after loss.

00;38;54;00 - 00;38;54;25
Christina
Cheers.

00;38;57;14 - 00;39;14;17
Meghan
Thank you so much for being here with us. Please subscribe to our podcast if you found it helpful. And you can also find us on social media, on Instagram at Full Cup Club podcast. And if you search for Club Club podcast on Facebook again, thanks, friends, and we'll see you next time.