15 - It's Okay to Smile

Smiling is okay. Laughing is okay. Crying is okay. In this episode we talk about feeling happiness while you're dealing with grief - it's okay to smile!

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Transcript

00;00;00;05 - 00;00;02;22
Meghan
Christina. Do you believe in ghosts?

00;00;03;02 - 00;00;09;07
Christina
Maybe. Am I supposed to say no? I don't know what I'm supposed to say. Yes, I do.

00;00;09;20 - 00;00;12;12
Meghan
It's just a question, it's just a question. Do you believe in ghosts?

00;00;12;12 - 00;00;14;07
Christina
Yes, I do.

00;00;14;08 - 00;00;19;18
Meghan
OK. Well, what kind of streets do ghosts haunt.

00;00;19;28 - 00;00;20;18
Christina
I don't know.

00;00;20;23 - 00;00;29;11
Meghan
Dead ends.

00;00;29;11 - 00;00;32;20
Christina
Oh my God. 

00;00;20;23 - 00;00;29;11
Meghan
Hi, I'm Meghan.

00;00;29;11 - 00;00;32;20
Christina
And I'm Christina. And this is the Full Cup Club podcast.

00;00;33;03 - 00;00;42;10
Meghan
We're here to talk through the good, the bad, and the ugly of loss. Whether that's losing a loved one, a job, a dream, or even your marbles.

00;00;43;03 - 00;00;57;23
Christina
So whether your cup has coffee, tea, or vodka in it. Welcome to the Full Cup Club. Friends today, Welcome to Full Cup Club. On today's episode, we are going to be talking about - it's OK to smile.

00;00;58;00 - 00;00;59;21
Meghan
At hilarious jokes.

00;00;59;21 - 00;01;00;16
Christina
Oh, yes.

00;01;00;19 - 00;01;01;20
Meghan
Like the one I just said.

00;01;01;28 - 00;01;06;05
Christina
Yes. Yes. And bad ones. And good ones and all. It's OK.

00;01;06;05 - 00;01;14;04
Meghan
Bad ones? Why you got to come in here with the bad ones right after I gave you comedy gold.

00;01;15;00 - 00;01;38;28
Christina
Exactly. I'm going to send that one to my my godson. I love to send my godson like cards with, like, a drawing on the front and then like a yeah, a like an appropriate nine year old joke. So, yeah, I will say that one. Yeah, it's OK. Yeah, it's OK to smile. And I have had widows who have that I've talked to that.

00;01;39;19 - 00;02;10;28
Christina
They are concerned that if other people see them smile, they will think that they didn't love their person. They didn't love their spouse. So I just want if you're listening right now before we get started and for you to pause for a second and ask yourself: You know, the moment you know, the moment when I ask you this question, you're going to know instantly, do you remember the moment where you laughed for the first time after your person died?

00;02;11;06 - 00;02;16;27
Christina
And before we answer that question, Meghan, what type of static water are you drinking to.

00;02;19;11 - 00;02;24;03
Meghan
It's funny you ask. It's not funny at all. It's regular that you ask.

00;02;24;21 - 00;02;40;19
Christina
I don't know if you know this is a thing, but our listeners are very fully engaged with your static water situation. You may not know this like there. I've had people write on my Facebook wall. My friend Justin has a whole feeling on the static water situation because his -

00;02;40;20
Meghan
What is his feeling?

00;02;40;20 - 00;02;41;06
Christina
you will have to go and read it. He's like-

00;02;41;06 - 00;02;42;21
Meghan
It's am I going to be offended?

00;02;42;22 - 00;02;56;13
Christina
No, no. Justin's hilarious. I love Justin. Justin's literally like a brother to us. I'm doing my my family. And he was like, he literally put the definition on my wall. So go read it. Static, like what is static.

00;02;57;21 - 00;03;05;29
Meghan
You'll have to share it. Share it on our social media. The flavor sparkling water I have today is it's Kirkland Brand. Shout out to Costco.

00;03;06;19 - 00;03;13;15
Meghan
And it's lemon flavored. It's good. What are you drinking today? Is it tea?

00;03;14;04 - 00;03;32;04
Christina
I'm not. I'm just so on my ice coffee kick. I'm just loving it. And I love that like, I get up in the morning and I just can, like, grab my iced coffee, pop on the treadmill for 2 seconds. In my pajamas mind you, I just need everybody to know this because you do what you got to do in life.

00;03;32;21 - 00;03;55;06
Christina
I pop on my treadmill with my iced coffee and I take a little walk. So yes, that is what I'm drinking this morning. I'm loving an ice coffee. So, friends. Did you think about it? Did you know instantly when you heard us ask that question? What? When was the first time you laughed? So, Meghan, do you remember the first time you laughed after Jason passed?

00;03;55;23 - 00;04;20;19
Meghan
I do. It was like a week and a half later. I was standing in my kitchen with some of the kids, but not all of them. I don't remember what we were laughing about. It was something about Jason, like, something he would have done or said or something. I don't remember exactly what we said, but I remember laughing with them, and it was the first time.

00;04;21;01 - 00;04;29;29
Christina
Hmm. Did was it like fully imprinted? Like, did you realize at that moment, like, I'm laughing for the first time? Was it like, did it startle you

00;04;32;22 - 00;04;44;24
Meghan
It didn't startle me. It was I guess it did. In a way. It was a surprise to laugh. So. Yeah, yeah, I guess it did startle me. What about you?

00;04;45;15 - 00;05;07;29
Christina
I was, we had just finished two weeks of - we had just laid Michael to rest. Like we had just done this big funeral where on the way my kids and I are in my car on the way home. And, you know, we just had this very hard situation. Get in the car, and we're driving home we are almost home.

00;05;08;02 - 00;05;19;04
Christina
And both of my adult children are in the car with me. And this spider rappelled down from the ceiling of my car in my lap.

00;05;23;21 - 00;05;24;03
Christina
It's like.

00;05;24;11 - 00;05;25;11
Meghan
Where are you driving?

00;05;25;12 - 00;05;43;16
Christina
I was driving, and I just had to like, I pulled the car over, like, jumped out of the car. I'm like, I'm not it wasn't like fully freaked out, but like, friends, like a tiny. It wasn't a huge spider. This is like a tiny spider repelled down in front of me. Like, just point, like. Right. You know? Not even a foot on my face.

00;05;44;02 - 00;06;01;28
Christina
And I pulled over and I was laughing, you know, I pulled over, parked the car, jumped out, and the kids and I you know, we're just laughing. And as a family, just laughing. And I remember in that moment, like, it just was a very like it gave me pause to realize, like, hey, you just laugh.

00;06;02;06 - 00;06;04;07
Meghan
Yeah. It feels like surreal.

00;06;04;07 - 00;06;04;24
Christina
It does.

00;06;04;27 - 00;06;06;05
Meghan
Right? Yeah.

00;06;06;16 - 00;06;21;16
Christina
It does. It definitely does. And I mean, how did that like, tell me more about your experience. What did the kids like? Do you think the kids were aware that they were laughing for the first time or that you were.

00;06;21;16 - 00;06;26;12
Meghan
I don't know. If it was the first time for them, but it was for me.

00;06;26;16 - 00;06;27;02
Christina
Kids laugh a lot more than adults.

00;06;27;12 - 00;06;28;10
Meghan
So I'm not sure.

00;06;28;12 - 00;06;28;26
Christina
Yeah.

00;06;29;07 - 00;06;32;04
Meghan
Yeah. They kind of bounce back a little faster. Yeah.

00;06;32;11 - 00;06;38;29
Christina
Well, I mean, as far as like when you're in charge, you don't laugh as much, you know what I mean? Like a little kid, like, younger kids -

00;06;38;29 - 00;06;42;15
Meghan
You become way less fun as adults.

00;06;42;21 - 00;06;43;05
Christina
Yeah.

00;06;44;22 - 00;07;08;13
Meghan
Jason and I had a really funny relationship. We were always cracking jokes, always kind of poking at each other. And one of our favorite things to do, and this was never with malice. It was always a funny joke, was to flip each other off just to find creative ways to do it. Like one of the funniest ones, Jason was like, Hey, what's that on the wall?

00;07;08;13 - 00;07;31;29
Meghan
And he was picking at the wall. And then as he pulled his hand away from the wall, he flipped me off. And then he was so proud of himself. One year it was Christmas, and there was like a few presents for me under the tree. And I opened the first one and it was a statue of a monkey carved out of wood flipping me off so he was so proud of that.

00;07;31;29 - 00;07;53;02
Meghan
So that was one of our favorite things to do. So I have really fond memories of our very funny relationship and that makes me smile and feel good. And just thinking back on it, just those, you know, all of the laughing that we did together makes me smile now, you know?

00;07;53;10 - 00;08;14;09
Christina
Yeah, it is. It's fun to look back and think about those happy moment and the things. I mean, I love that. That was one of my favorite things is that we could make each other laugh. I'm like, We've been together 23 years and we can make each other laugh. Like that is such a cool thing to have. And so yeah, to get that laughter back and to be able to smile again sometimes.

00;08;14;19 - 00;08;40;12
Christina
I know for me, after Michael passed some of those had to be like curated moments where that kind of had to like reach for that in a way where there's a lot that you're processing and dealing with. And I know for me that just, it looked different with each of my kids. I have adult children, and so I did different things with each kid.

00;08;40;12 - 00;08;54;13
Christina
For those that are just joining us for the first time, can you share things that you did with your son that were kind of like these moments that you created of fun and laughter for you guys?

00;08;54;22 - 00;09;26;21
Meghan
So my son and I have a lot of fun together. One of the things that we did, and this is so random and so specific, but something that we did after Jason died is that we would, we had a lot of fun trying different fruits from the grocery store. So we are fruity people and by fruity, I mean we like to eat fruit and so it's something that he enjoys.

00;09;26;21 - 00;09;49;11
Meghan
And so when I'm grocery shopping or whatever, I would go to the section of the grocery store that's like the less common fruits, you know, like where they have dragon fruit, different kinds of melons, papaya, you know, things like that. And yeah, we tried all of it. Every, every sort of different fruit that I could find in my regular grocery store.

00;09;49;12 - 00;10;07;27
Meghan
We would just it would just be like what's the new fruit of the week? All right, how do I how do we cut this open? How do we what's it going to taste like? Should we Google it or should we just go for it? You know, I will say that jackfruit was the messiest jackfruit is like this big.

00;10;08;05 - 00;10;31;20
Meghan
It's huge. Like it's almost like watermelon sized and it has this, like, oily inside and it's sticky, like almost like sap. It was the hardest to cut open. And I wasn't I wasn't a huge fan of the flavor, but I do know that a lot of vegan people use it as like a meat substitute. So that's pretty cool.

00;10;31;20 - 00;10;36;14
Christina
I've had it as a meat substitute. Yeah. As like a barbecue type thing. And it was good.

00;10;36;14 - 00;10;38;02
Meghan
Yeah, yeah. That's what I've seen.

00;10;38;14 - 00;10;51;06
Christina
Do not hear that as I am vegan, no. So yeah, I've always wondered what that was like, you know, when it was out of that thing. So that's fun that you guys did. That is, ah, yeah.

00;10;51;07 - 00;11;10;05
Meghan
It was fun to learn and just fun to just try something new. I love learning and trying new things, which I think is clear in my personality. Like, Yeah, I'll jump in and try it, you know? So for me it was just fun to be like, Oh, that's what the inside of a jackfruit looks like, or Oh, that's how you cut open a dragon fruit.

00;11;10;05 - 00;11;10;14
Meghan
You know?

00;11;11;09 - 00;11;23;03
Christina
Was there anything else that you guys did that was fun that you kind of like, you know, purposefully did after Jason died?

00;11;23;03 - 00;11;52;29
Meghan
I mean, I am very intentional with spending time with my son and doing stuff together and one thing we did, Jason was obsessed with Star Wars, like number one fan super into Star Wars. And after he died the ninth movie came out. And so my son and I, we wanted to see it, but my son hadn't seen all of the Star Wars movies.

00;11;52;29 - 00;12;20;29
Meghan
He was little. So, you know, he hadn't seen every single one of them. So we had a - this was after I had built him this fort in his room. So he had this like playhouse type fort thing above his bed. And then like, you know, his bed was covered in like stuffed animals and cozy blankets and stuff. And so he had a TV in his room and we would hang out in his room because he wanted to host the movie night.

00;12;20;29 - 00;12;23;01
Christina
I love that. Oh, my gosh.

00;12;23;07 - 00;12;44;25
Meghan
As like a seven year old, he wanted it to be in his room. He would sit up in the fort. I would sit on the bed and we watched all of the Star Wars movies to prepare to go see the ninth one in the theater. And so we we caught it in the theater like probably the last week it was in there, but we made it.

00;12;44;25 - 00;12;47;01
Meghan
So that was something fun that we did.

00;12;47;09 - 00;12;48;13
Christina
I love that.

00;12;49;17 - 00;12;52;15
Meghan
You guys are into Star Wars and stuff, too, right?

00;12;52;16 - 00;13;18;09
Christina
Ah, so after Michael died, one thing. So my son was here in his freshman year of college and he was going to school here locally. He - we're very nerdy as well. And so we watched the Star Wars series the entire and you know, my son had it in order. Like he looked it up - which ones do you actually watch first to keep it in order?

00;13;18;10 - 00;13;29;00
Meghan
There's different ways to do it. Yeah, there's there's release date and then there's also like in chronological order. But then there's this other way called like the machete way.

00;13;29;15 - 00;13;53;29
Christina
Yeah. We watch them in chronological order and not by release date. And so we went through the Star Wars series. We went through the entire Marvel series. So that's another thing that you have to do because there is a there is a proper order to watch all of the movie so that because if you don't, you don't get the back story you don't understand why, like, why is Doctor Strange there?

00;13;54;05 - 00;14;16;12
Christina
What does Dr. Strange have to do with this movie? So we watch all of those in order and as well, we did all of the Lord of the Rings series, The Hobbit, all of that stuff. So those were like when I look back on those moments, those were moments when I think of like joy that we got to experience joy.

00;14;16;27 - 00;14;23;08
Christina
They were very intentional times that we spent creating those well curated moments, for lack of a better way to put it.

00;14;23;12 - 00;14;28;23
Meghan
Was it like an event each time you did it? Did you like sit down with your popcorn and your movie candy?

00;14;28;24 - 00;14;47;01
Christina
Why do you think we were just like plowing through them. So it was just like, OK, what are we watching tonight? So yeah, it was it was an event. It was just like this thing that we did. Yeah, it was so much fun and I'm so glad we did it. And it, you know, it just it felt like it went by in a blink of an eye.

00;14;47;01 - 00;14;52;23
Christina
That's a lot of hours to watch but I love having that memory of something that we did together.

00;14;52;23 - 00;14;55;10
Meghan
Yeah. Mm hmm. I love that to.

00;14;55;15 - 00;15;19;26
Christina
For my daughter and I. My daughter lives in Texas. And she's an adult. And so, you know, she's a real live adult with a real life job. And, you know, she gets to come out and visit when she can, and she came out for her birthday. And so we went on hikes and stuff like that. Her and I, we've traveled together and done some different things, but the way that her and I do stuff, we do we like to have experiences together.

00;15;19;26 - 00;15;43;12
Christina
So we kind of made a list of what are things that we've never done. Like, we'd never been to a bed and breakfast oh, excuse the braces. I cannot speak. We went to a bed and breakfast and it was so much fun. So we figured out what are experiences we want to have that would bring us joy and help us to smile again and create these new memories.

00;15;43;29 - 00;15;58;26
Christina
So for me, it was having, you know, these two children and they're adults. It was like, OK, what are facets of their personality that, you know, what is going to bring, you know, individually? What did that look like in creating those moments?

00;15;59;00 - 00;16;20;14
Meghan
Yeah, exactly. I remember fairly early on when I didn't really know what to think or what to do because I was kind of in shock and just trying to figure out how to navigate my life with so many changes with, you know, not only Jason gone, but the kids were also gone. You know, they were with their other families.

00;16;20;14 - 00;16;42;05
Meghan
And, you know, I had been, you know, bonus mom for so long, and so now it's just me and my son again. So it's like it was like just trying to figure everything out and I didn't really know how to feel or how to act. And so, you know, I would have these moments where I would just laugh at a joke or I would I would say a joke.

00;16;42;05 - 00;16;51;29
Meghan
I mean, I was absolutely the first one to make jokes about having a dead husband because I'm a funny person. And it's so hard.

00;16;51;29 - 00;16;52;11 
Christina
You are, you can't help yourself.

00;16;54;25 - 00;17;31;20
Meghan
It's so hard to not use humor as a defense mechanism. It's my protective armor, like, let me just make a joke about it and we can move on. So but I definitely did have those times and those people that would look at me a certain way or be like, mm. Or and I would sometimes feel guilty for making a joke or for laughing because just because I was smiling on the outside in that moment does not mean that I wasn't just torn apart on the inside.

00;17;31;24 - 00;17;47;10
Meghan
You know? So I really struggled with some guilt there and not knowing how to balance that, not knowing how to be myself, but also deal with this this hard stuff. So

00;17;47;14 - 00;18;12;08
Christina
Yeah, that's so real. It's just you you want to reach for joy and at the same time you're worried like what are other people going to think if I'm smiling? Do they think that I don't love my person because I'm smiling or I am going on this adventure in in my case, I, I would I've been very fortunate to have such a supportive community of people around me, literally, like my entire town.

00;18;12;14 - 00;18;28;17
Christina
Like when I post something, they cheered me on and I appreciated that so much. But I know that that's not true for everybody. And I, I feel so blessed to have that. But I has had widows tell me that that's not been their experience. So.

00;18;28;25 - 00;18;29;08
Meghan
Yeah.

00;18;29;27 - 00;18;53;09
Christina
And I know you and I have talked about like, what does that, what does that look like? You know, what what can you do in that moment when you feel like people are judging you for for being happy, for smiling when you're fearful, like, oh, my goodness, my friends are going to think I don't love I didn't actually love my person because I'm smiling or I'm hanging out with my friends.

00;18;53;09 - 00;18;56;17
Christina
Or or my kids and I went on a vacation.
00;18;57;07 - 00;19;16;22
Meghan
Yeah, I think you just have to quickly and this is what I - so I guess before I give the advice I could, I should just say this is what I realized I had to do as I just had to let go of that. I had to let go of what other people expected of me and feel my way through it.

00;19;16;25 - 00;19;48;06
Meghan
You know, if I'm going to laugh, I'm going to laugh. I know that Jason and I had a great relationship. I know that, you know, we he was so happy with me. I know that he when he died, he was happy. You know, so I. I know those things, and that's all that matters, you know? So I had to figure out my truth and roll with it and just not care what other people thought.

00;19;48;24 - 00;20;07;09
Christina
I think that's such a good point. It's like, think about for me, I had nothing, I have nothing to prove to anybody. I don't have to prove how our relationship was and how much we loved each other and. Right. I guess maybe that's part of it, too. I hadn't thought about that. It's like, I don't I don't have to prove anything.

00;20;07;09 - 00;20;10;10
Christina
If you couldn't see how much we loved each other, then.

00;20;10;22 - 00;20;13;13
Meghan
Then you weren't looking. 

00;20;14;01 - 00;20;41;14
Christina
Yeah, you weren't. And so there's I don't feel like I have to prove that. I don't, I don't feel like there's any value, it's not honoring Michael's life for me to be unhappy. Like, I think that, like, some people I want, I worry, I worry, worry, worry that there are people out there that wear grief like a badge of honor, and they don't want to let it go because it's like, if I let this go then 

00;20;41;14 - 00;20;51;23
Christina
everybody around me will think that I didn't love my spouse or my child or that is absolutely not true. I, I don't believe that.

00;20;51;23 - 00;21;09;11
Meghan
And I love what you said about how you're not honoring your person by continuing on that way, by wearing that badge. There is no prize at the end of life for being the most sad. So it's ok to be happy. It's OK to smile.

00;21;09;15 - 00;21;09;25
Christina
Yes.

00;21;10;27 - 00;21;11;21
Meghan
Absolutely.

00;21;11;22 - 00;21;28;24
Christina
I always think of, like, if I'm on my deathbed, if I get to live to be 80 years old and Michael died when I was 45, if I get to the end of my life and I looked back on my life and all I done is like sit in my rocking chair and wear black and like cried and grieved, like, how sad.

00;21;28;27 - 00;21;59;01
Christina
Like that I did not pick up and like Michael would have wanted me to be happy, like, all of these things. Like, he would have wanted that for me. He made sure that that I was happy when he was alive. And I don't think that he would want me to sit around and be sad. And I don't and I don't think that when people from the outside looking in if they're judging you, this is a really hard, hard thing to say to like wrap your brain around and it feels so unfair.

00;21;59;14 - 00;22;07;01
Christina
But it seems so unfair. But sometimes when you are the person who is grieving and when you are the person who is hurting, it's hard -

00;22;08;14 - 00;22;32;21
Christina
But sometimes you have to be the bigger person in that moment and extend grace to the people around you who might actually for real, be judging you and just give grace. From my definition of it is unmerited. THey don't deserve it. These people do not deserve your grace. They have not worked in your shoes. They have not been through your trauma.

00;22;33;09 - 00;22;48;06
Christina
They do not know what it's like. And I think until my thing, when I'm experiencing that and I'm feeling like maybe somebody is judging me or they don't understand because I don't necessarily feel like they're judging me, that they just don't understand. And in that moment

00;22;49;06 - 00;23;08;27
Christina
I'm always a little sad for them because I think someday when they walk through this, they're going to feel like, Oh, I wish I would it because honestly, I'm going to just be honest for a second. There have been a lot of times in my past as an adult when I was a young person, that I'd see somebody lose somebody, and they just were really struggling.

00;23;08;27 - 00;23;16;13
Christina
And it's like, man, like, I want for them. We all want to watch our heroes win. It's part of the story.

00;23;17;21 - 00;23;52;05
Christina
We love a good story where the hero wins when the hero saves themselves. And I wanted so much to to see people save themselves. And now walking through this, I feel very differently. I have a whole lot more understanding. And so I really needed grace myself in my early twenties when I watched people go through this. And so if you can dig down deep and hold space for people that are struggling with what you're going through and just realize, like they don't understand, and and someday you're going to be the person to, like encourage them if they go through this.

00;23;53;19 - 00;24;05;00
Christina
I would never wish this on somebody in a million years. I would never wish this on someone but if you it sucks to have to say it, but if you can give them grace and be the bigger person in that moment, like that's what I would encourage you to do.

00;24;05;09 - 00;24;32;05
Meghan
Mm hmm. Yeah, I agree. I think that walking through this also made me more empathetic toward other people and just realizing, like, oh, they don't know what I'm going through. So, you know, like you say, I'll give them grace. But that's also kind of the flip side of it is I don't know what they're going through, you know, so they're not dealing with what I'm dealing with right now, but maybe they are, you know, still dealing with something hard.

00;24;32;05 - 00;24;49;23
Meghan
So it has absolutely made me more empathetic and less quick to judge, less quick to react. Also, you know, when somebody is, you know, acting some kind of way, I'm like it just kind of bounces off of me now. 

00;24;49;24 - 00;25;11;25
Christina
Yeah, to understand the why behind it sometimes to really understand someone, if you understand what they're going through and sometimes you're not going to understand the why of watching somebody who is grieving until you actually go through it or so. Yeah. If you were the person watching somebody go through it and you're like, why is she enjoying time with her friends?

00;25;11;25 - 00;25;38;23
Christina
Why is he going fishing with his buddies? You know, give them grace because you have no idea. It may be, you know, the only moment that they've had to themselves, you know, they are helping small children navigate grief. And that may be that one moment that they have to breathe and, you know, just refresh themselves before they go back in to walking through that really hard season.

00;25;39;05 - 00;26;07;02
Meghan
Yeah, that's that's a great point. Not only just catching yourself in a moment of joy or a moment of laughter, but doing something for yourself to go on a fishing trip or out with your friends or whatever. Like you were saying I, I mean, I think it takes a lot of strength to do that.

00;26;07;02 - 00;26;07;15
Christina
It does.

00;26;07;17 - 00;26;41;18
Meghan
And you have to ignore, you know, the people who think you shouldn't because you're the only person that knows everything about the situation. You're the only person that knows how hard it is and that knows you and your heart and your relationship. So you have to really, really ignore what you're, quote unquote, supposed to do and how you're quote unquote supposed to act and walk through this with your frame of mind.

00;26;41;18 - 00;26;44;20
Meghan
What is your way of handling it?

00;26;44;20 - 00;26;57;11
Christina
Yeah, because and also, I have a sign above my desk that says, don't believe everything you think people might not be judging you. They might be cheering you on and they're just aren't good at like saying they're cheering you on.

00;26;57;19 - 00;27;16;01
Meghan
Yeah, that's - who out there - raise your hand if you just always assume everybody hates you. I raised my hand in case. In case. I know you don't I can't see and just always assume like, oh, I'm sorry. What did I do? I didn't mean to.

00;27;16;21 - 00;27;40;05
Christina
I think another, I remember and I've I've mentioned this before - Brené Brown talks about giving yourself like writing yourself a permission slip. So this is a time that you need to stop, tear off a little piece of paper and write "I give myself permission to smile" and sign your name at the bottom and whatever that looks like. I give myself permission to feel joy, to feel happiness.

00;27;40;17 - 00;27;48;09
Meghan
And I love that idea of writing that on your bathroom mirror where you're looking at your reflection. 

00;27;49;14 - 00;28;17;05
Christina
Mm mm. Yeah. Sometimes in this process, you are going to I've referred a lot to I want to go back and watch the movie "Inside Out" because a lot of times we have to sit with these two emotions. And I remember my daughter was here visiting and Michael was really big on like if like I don't, he loved, like he bought his parents things when he was in his early twenties.

00;28;17;05 - 00;28;34;11
Christina
He bought them a new dishwasher, he bought them a new microwave he was like working for the first time and had money and he did these things. And when we got married later on, they replaced their microwave. It was a couple of years old and they replaced it. They got a more modern microwave that Michael had purchased at microwave.

00;28;34;11 - 00;28;56;07
Christina
So he was like so excited. He brought the microwave home. We had a small microwave. So in his mind, it's like, this is the big, this was the big microwave. Like you could have cooked a turkey in this microwave. And I would always talk about like later on like, let's get a smaller microwave, like the modern microwave like, yeah, this was like you had to be a rocket scientist to like program this one.

00;28;56;07 - 00;28;59;01
Meghan
Christina, it's not the size of the microwave that matters.

00;29;03;12 - 00;29;26;11
Christina
Exactly. Oh, my gosh. So we like it was so funny because like, after he died is like this took up a lot of space in the kitchen, this microwave. And so I was like, I think I'm going to go ahead and replace the microwave. My daughter was there and I thought I better go ahead and replace this. So we decided to look to see what year this microwave was made.

00;29;26;20 - 00;29;27;10
Christina
Friends.

00;29;27;22 - 00;29;28;07
Meghan
Mm hmm.

00;29;28;21 - 00;30;06;09
Christina
It was made in 1994. We were looking at it in 2019. So this was 25 year old microwave and my kitchen and my daughter looked it up. You're supposed to replace a microwave like I think it's like every five or seven years, like they don't just last forever. Like we were probably like microwaving ourselves or something at that point, and I, friends, I laughed so hard when that happened.

00;30;06;09 - 00;30;36;22
Christina
This is probably six months after Michael passed. I laughed. So hard. I literally like I was crying. It was the hardest I'd ever last laughed in my life that we had a 25 year old microwave in our kitchen and I laughed so hard. And then there was this moment after laughing. I literally was in the floor sobbing and laughing so hard and then in that there was a moment that it broke my heart to realize, like, this was just part of his personality.

00;30;36;22 - 00;31;00;27
Christina
He loved stuff like that. He loved to be able to save stuff and salvage stuff. And there was a really big moment of heartbreak in that moment. And this piece of him and so I just want people to realize that even though you're going to smile, you're still there could still be that feeling inside of you. Of heartbreak.

00;31;00;27 - 00;31;24;16
Christina
It still is there. You still going to have those moments? Yeah, it's OK. You're going to feel that you're not alone in that. That is totally normal to have those moments of sheer joy and then moments of heartbreak that go with that and it's OK and you're going to be OK and it's going to get better those things are not going to hurt as much in the future.

00;31;24;16 - 00;31;25;15
Christina
It does get better.

00;31;25;15 - 00;31;45;28
Meghan
I have a, I also have a microwave story. It is not the same, but I was going to microwave something. And you know how microwave mine has a handle on it. Some of them just have like a button. You push and the door pops open, right? Mine actually has a handle, you know, so you can just kind of pull it and it opens.

00;31;47;03 - 00;32;17;07
Meghan
It's got like a latch. You know what I mean? Anyway, so I was going to microwave something. This was at some point last year, like probably six months ago. And I opened my microwave and the microwave door stayed closed and the handle came with my hand. The entire handle ripped off of my microwave. And I was like, oh, no, it's a it's a it's one that's mounted above my stove.

00;32;17;07 - 00;32;35;27
Meghan
So, OK, it's not just like sitting on my counter. So I was like just, you know, added to the list. I guess just another thing I have to replace or whatever. So I was looking it up and Googling it like can I replace a microwave? How do you do this? You know? And I did determine that I could do it, but then I thought, well, can I get it open?

00;32;36;09 - 00;32;54;20
Meghan
And so there's this little you just pull it from the bottom. There's this little trick you have to do to get my microwave open. And I was like, well, it still works. It just the handle is broken. And I say, brokem, you guys, it's broken. I can't glue it back. I can't screw it back. I tried, you know, so there is no fixing it.

00;32;54;20 - 00;33;10;29
Meghan
But I was like, man, the microwave still works. I hate to just get rid of it, even though it's a minor inconvenience to open it this way. So I pulled a Michael and kept the old microwave.

00;33;10;29 - 00;33;32;24
Christina
I remember the first time that I saw you. You were talking to somebody on Instagram and you guys were talking you were doing a live and you said something about your husband being dead. And she just, like, immediately was like, I wow, I didn't know that. And I'm like watching it. I'm like, oh, my gosh, this person does not know that her husband died and this is a friend of hers.

00;33;32;24 - 00;33;37;14
Christina
And then, like, the whole thing was like that. You guys were just like, deadpan, like nothing.

00;33;38;02 - 00;33;42;06
Meghan
And that is my favorite way to joke when people don't know that it's a joke.

00;33;43;14 - 00;34;22;08
Christina
Yeah. It was like and then afterwards, they they explained after a little bit like she was like, this was the first person at my house when my husband died. Like, she totally knows. But it was it was so funny. And there are some times that I do that with Meghan and I've done it with other people that I will say, and usually it's with somebody safe that has lost their spouse, that I'm really just like sitting there and thinking somebody saying like, I mean, like, you know, this is happening with my truck, and I just like, look at the person and very seriously, just like with all sincerity, is like, I know a person, but he's

00;34;22;22 - 00;34;32;25
Christina
he died. Like, I know the person who could have fixed this, but he's gone. And it's like sometimes to be able to laugh at stuff, like laughs. And then.

00;34;33;12 - 00;34;58;01
Christina
In those moments, like, because your brain literally goes there like, oh, Michael could fix this. Michael totally knows what to do. And then you realize they're gone. And then you just have this moment of like, well, he's dead, you know, and then that person's like, yeah, like, they get it. And so, yeah, sometimes people will get it and sometimes they won't, but it's usually the person who has lost somebody who gets it.

00;34;58;23 - 00;35;15;13
Meghan
Right, right. Yeah. And I feel like as the person who has lost somebody, you are allowed to joke. You can do whatever you want. If you are supporting someone who has lost somebody, you are not allowed to joke. 

00;35;15;23 - 00;35;17;07
Christina
You are not allowed.

00;35;17;12 - 00;35;22;17
Meghan
No, they you know, they have to they have to make the first joke. 

00;35;23;13 - 00;35;43;01
Christina
Yes. I remember saying something to my mom and my mom was like oh, like that is like, why are you talking like that? And I'm just like I'm grieving. Like, you know, she didn't get it. And it's just like, OK, you're obviously not somebody who understands what's happening here. So yeah, some people will get it. Some people won't.

00;35;43;22 - 00;36;05;14
Christina
I appreciate like, I have to say something shout out to my in-laws. They are amazing. I wouldn't say they're like not sitting around joking with me about stuff, but they have been so supportive of me being happy and me smiling and me going on adventures and doing all the things and shout out to all of you who are supporting people and supporting them being happy because this is tough.

00;36;05;25 - 00;36;19;04
Christina
And so, yes, shout out to all of you guys. Kudos to you for for supporting us in the endeavor to find glimpses of happiness in this adventure none of us asked to be a part of.

00;36;19;21 - 00;36;34;26
Meghan
Right. Thank you. Thank you. To those that are. Yeah. That are supportive in that way, that aren't judgy, that, you know, laugh along with us. Cry along with us. Listen. you know.

00;36;35;13 - 00;36;35;29
Christina
Yes.

00;36;36;20 - 00;36;39;20
Meghan
Well, do you have anything else to add to this episode?

00;36;40;23 - 00;37;10;21
Christina
I can't say that I do. Not to the episode. But again, just I love so much hearing from everybody. It's it's so fun to hear from you guys. Thank you so much for being supportive and sharing and the reviews use. And it's amazing. We have over 600 downloads. And I know that might seem like nothing to people, but it's a big deal to know that what we're doing is making an impact and, you know, sharing it with your friends and that it's helping.

00;37;10;23 - 00;37;35;04
Christina
We are getting those messages from people. So thank you for your feedback and your support and your love and shout out to all of you who are going through some really hard things. You are hitting birthdays and anniversaries of loved ones, losing loved ones, and thank you for allowing us to be on this journey with you. Well, we don't like to call it a journey, an adventure.

00;37;35;04 - 00;37;56;14
Christina
This really unfortunate adventure. And thank you for sharing that with us. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of it. Thank you for reaching out to us when you're struggling and saying, hey, this is really hard, because then we're able to say, you know what, it's really hard to and I'm struggling and it helps us to create content on here that is relevant to what you are going through.

00;37;56;15 - 00;37;57;04
Christina
So thank you.

00;37;57;25 - 00;38;24;10
Meghan
Yeah. Thank you. We appreciate you. And if this is helpful, leaving a review is the best way to help other people find us. The more reviews we have, the more likely we are to show up when people search certain words and things like that. So we appreciate you. We are grateful for you. And I hope you laugh and find joy and happiness today.

00;38;25;29 - 00;38;32;07
Meghan
Because that's what it's that's what it's about, man. It's your life. So laugh.

00;38;32;16 - 00;38;35;05
Christina
Your person would want you to be happy yes.

00;38;35;10 - 00;39;00;04
Meghan
OK, friends, while the time has come. So whether your cup is empty, half full or overflowing, raise it up. Here's to the craziness of life after loss. Cheers. Thank you so much for being here with us. Please subscribe to our podcast. If you found it helpful and you can also find us on social media, on Instagram, at Full Cup Club podcast.

00;39;00;10 - 00;39;06;24
Meghan
And if you search Full Club Club Podcast on Facebook. Again, thanks friends, and we'll see you next time.